A/N: This was very difficult to wrap my head around so I hope that it turned out all right. A massive thank you to those of you out there that are reading and still posting reviews. Some of them are great helpful to this silly American who sometimes gets things wrong. So I hope you enjoy this, let me know what you think if you care to do so.
After the fight with Sian the night before, Sophie was sure to make the appointment with a therapist that very morning. Sian had claimed to be all right, but Sophie had her doubts. After so many years she knew when Sian was fed up with something. And finding that picture didn't help things. They'd gotten thru the rest of the evening but Sophie had decided to go home for the night.
So she had gone to the therapist and she had hated every minute of it.
Are you gay? Check.
Born Again Christian? Check.
Are your parents divorced because of infidelity? Check.
Recently got back together with the love of your life who you nearly married but ultimately humiliated? Check.
Panic Attacks? Check.
Here's some medication.
Check.
Sophie had taken that prescription and ditched it right into the bin. And grabbed the bus home.
And even though she knew that it was never a good idea she then went and made herself a whiskey on the rocks. Flopping on the couch she flipped on the television.
Lost in her thoughts she didn't even notice when her dad came in.
"You shouldn't be drinking that," he said as he took off his jacket and went into the kitchen to brew himself a cup.
"So says you," Sophie shouted as she purposely took a sip in front of him.
"I won't ask. Just be careful sweet heart, I won't be carrying you out of here" he warned.
Sophie put the cool glass to her burning forehead. She didn't need her dad telling her what she should and shouldn't be doing. How many times had she come home to find him with a bottle gone? Her dad was lucky that she had more pressing matters.
"Dad! I can take care of myself," she groaned.
"I know," he said as he sat down next to her with his tea. She turned down the television and placed her head on his shoulder. Even though he was being annoyingly parental, he was her dad and he knew her so well.
"Did you see that therapist today?" he asked. She nodded. "Well how was it?" he asked.
Sophie took a big long sip from her glass then placed it down.
"A big fat waste of time. He just sat there and judged me and then gave me a load of pills" she said mardily.
"Well do you want me to go down there and give them a piece of my mind?" her dad offered.
"No dad! I just should have guessed that it wasn't gonna work but Sian really wanted it so I went" she sighed.
"Well Webster's don't do therapy aye?" he placed his arm around her shoulders and gave her a hug. After they broke apart she wiped her eyes and hoped that her face wasn't a mess even though it was just her dad.
"But you know sweetheart that you can always talk to me? I'm just your lousy old dad but I can try to help" Kevin tried to reassure her. It was probably the whiskey but Sophie couldn't stifle her laugh.
"Dad, you do realize that a good part of this is your fault aye?" Sophie looked at him. She got up to refill her glass.
"How so?" he said his voice rising a bit.
"Well it's no wonder the way that you and my mom make disasters of your lives over and over again that I'm so terrified that if Sian even leaves for a moment that I'll screw it all up and she'll be gone" she sputtered out gaining speed with each word. She knew that with what she said that she had a chance of two reactions, but at the moment she didn't care. "It's as if I'm convinced that at any time I'll just chuck it all away and do something stupid…oh wait I already did that once. How many times has it happened between you and my mum aye? I can't even count" she kept on. Her mouth was like a runaway train, which she couldn't stop. It was spilling everything that she had been thinking all afternoon since she got home.
"But your mum and I, we always come back together. Because we are meant for each other no matter what we do" he got up to face his daughter who was clearly bent on confrontation tonight.
"Maybe it's because neither of you will just give it up. Masochists you are" Sophie sneered.
"Go ahead, Sophie, I can take it. But just remember what you've always told me: You make your own choices. You know your own mind," he said forcefully. She could tell that he was getting wound up. "It seems to me daughter, that it's when you question yourself and not follow what you know is right that you lose your way" Kevin finished up.
"I just can't lose her dad. I love her so much" she teared up again.
"I know sweetheart. I know," he said as she once again found solace in her father's arms.
The lights above were out and she wasn't responding when she rang the buzzer. Sophie whipped out her phone and sent out a text. After that she had no choice but to wait. At least it wasn't too late in the evening but still she didn't like standing out here in the street. After she had talked to her dad, she came up with a plan. She knew what she needed to do.
Sian buzzed her up. Sophie practically bounded up the stairs. She buzzed with intention. There were moments in her life when she knew that the pieces were falling into place. She could feel it around her in the air.
Her girl opened up the door and Sophie had to catch her breath. Even though Sian was only wearing a t-shirt she was gorgeous. It still hit Sophie like a train how lucky she was to have found her soul mate so young. At 15 years old she had known that she didn't want to be with anyone else. That was precious and not to be trifled with or ignored.
"Sophie, I didn't think that we had plans ton…" Sian got interrupted when Sophie covered her lips with her own. She placed her hands on the other girl's waist as she pulled her closer. Sophie pushed herself further into the flat and without breaking the kiss she leaned back and shut the door.
"Well then that was a surprise" Sian said giggling.
"I don't know why. I had it clearly marked on my to do list" Sophie laughed as they sat facing each other wrapped in sheets. Sophie took a deep breath and grabbed the other girl's hands. She held them between them like a tether to keep her centered.
"I know that you don't like to think on it but I need to because it scares me so" Sophie began. "I was thinking back to when my attacks started and I remember that we were lying here and you asked me if I would move in here with you and I said no" she continued.
"Yeah, you said that you didn't want to rush things. That it was too soon," Sian said looking down. Sophie knew that it had been disappointing to her girlfriend at the time.
"Every time I've thought about being away from you now I worry that I'll do something to screw it all up. That I'll do something like with Amber and I won't be able to tell you" she said hesitatingly. Her voice was so small and unsure, although inside she knew that this was what she felt in her heart. She had noticeably hesitated saying Amber's name. She still was bitter about that stroppy mare. Still so many years later she had never understood why that woman had chosen to mess with her head. Even worse was the fact that it had succeeded.
"My dad was that way with my mum, even though he says that he loves her and us, but he still destroyed our family. But as I was talking to him tonight I realized that I won't because…" she took Sian's hand and placed it over her chest. "I know what it feels like here" she paused to press Sian's open palm flat where her heart was beating ten to the dozen. "When I kept the truth from you it was because I was afraid of losing you, and I still am, but I know that having to live with that weight is worse, the clamp on my heart…I'll never let that happen again, because…" she paused tears threatening behind her eyes.
"Because mistakes are how we learn Sophie" Sian finished it. Sophie nodded seeing that her lover understood. "We're not perfect Soph" Sian followed up after a few minutes "…but we're not our parents. We can be better than them. In fact that wouldn't be hard really" she chuckled.
"Too right" Sophie laughed taking Sian's hand and placing kisses to her fingertips. "So go to Newcastle, settle everything there. With you gone, I can move my stuff in and organize this madness that you live in" Sophie smiled seeing the shock on Sian's face. She loved shocking her with surprises.
Sian suddenly pounced at her across the bed. Sophie was sure that their laughter could be heard all over Coronation.