Chapter Thirty Five – Days Fifteen to Twenty Four

"Hey there Sleeping Beauty," Wheeler's voice says from beside me.

"I fell asleep again?" I ask, a little alarmed. Did it work? I wonder

"Yeah." He says softly. "Do you remember anything?"

I shake my head. "Nyet."

He sits up and as I do the same, pulls me to his side. Bozhe' moy! I know what is coming… at least he did not leave me. "It is not good news, is it?"

"Actually, it's the best news we could've hoped for." He grins down at me. "You're ok…nothing happened… nothing that we can't get you through anyway."

"You mean Skumm and I did not…" I need to clarify, I need to hear him say it.

And he does. "Nope. You slept alone in a closet every night."

"Oh Wheeler, I am so relieved." That does not come close to what I am feeling as I wrap my arms around him and bury my face in his shoulder. I cannot stop the tears that come and I do not try.

Despite my attempts at bravery, this means more to me than he can know… there are so many levels of 'not okay' and the thought of my giving myself to that rat was just off the scale.

"I know Babe. I'm relieved too." Wheeler rests his head on mine and I know he is crying too… maybe he does understand how badly I would have taken it, he would not be this upset because of his own desires, he was worried for me. Like the night I tried to end it, or when he had that dream and was afraid he had hurt me.

After a few minutes he lays us back down again, it is more comfortable for both of us and there is no need for us to move. I look up at my Yankee and smile, this is all because of him… he kisses my forehead and then returns my gaze steadily. There is no need for us to talk, for a while everything is okay.

I feel stronger. Wheeler was right, there are some things I just would not do. I can trust myself again… and Gaia trusts me and needs me. I have a future again. It really is only a matter of time.

When did it become so normal for us to lie in bed together?

"So, what do you want to do today Babe?" Wheeler asks conversationally, his nose nuzzling the side of my head as it lays on his shoulder. He is still coming to.

What do I want to do? I want to stay here and enjoy the feeling of his arms about me, I want to return some of the massages he has given me and I want to explore some of the things that I had been afraid I might have done while blissed out. I think for a minute and then reply. "It is probably about time we set up a proper diet and exercise routine, maybe some of those pamphlets you had might help?"

"Sure thing… can we stay here a bit longer though? I had such a great nights sleep last night, I slept too heavy." He gives me a squeeze.

I smile. "Da, me too. It must have been the relief… of the good news."

I want him to tell me again, is that strange? I guess I need to know it was not a dream.

"The best news!" he agrees placing a kiss on my forehead, before burying his face in my hair. After a few moments he adds, "Thanks for trusting me Babe, even when you weren't sure."

"What do you mean?" I am genuinely confused.

Wheeler rubs my arm and snuggles closer. "You didn't know nothing bad had happened but you weren't afraid of me touching you… to comfort you I mean."

"I like you touching me." I can feel my face burn with embarrassment. I meant it in the platonic sense, as he did, but it came a little too close to the truth. I try to explain quickly, realising as I do that it is easier to talk about it now. "Comforting me, I mean. I can still remember Skumm doing things… like leaning over me in his bed, and squeezing my arm or brushing a finger down my cheek or neck... or rubbing my thigh when I was sitting next to him. He knew I did not like it but I did not complain openly and I felt dirty afterwards, even though it was not really anything more than flirting."

"It's okay." He murmurs softly as I pause, pulling me into a tighter embrace.

"I do trust you." I continue, still blushing slightly. "But it is also not the same, I do not mind. There is nothing creepy or dirty about the way you touch me, even when you are flirting."

I am looking up into his eyes so I can see how happy that makes him, but I am not done yet, I need to confess something else. "I felt tainted when I returned to my senses, I was surprised that you even wanted to come near me, even though I know that is unfair to you, you are too good a friend to turn your back on me. But I still felt… unclean. No amount of showers could make that feeling go away, but you did. So thank you."

I bury my face in his shoulder, hiding my embarrassment but glad I have told him. He does not answer, he simply holds me and presses his lips to my head. The moment is intense but it does not take long for us to relax again and we are both in good moods.

When we finally get up, we are still taking everything at a leisurely pace and the best part is that Wheeler has forgotten all about Kwame's remarks, or he does not care after what I told him this morning, either way he is being very affectionate. He wants to cuddle, his arm is constantly around me and if one of us moves away to do something, he catches me to his side at the first opportunity. There is some kissing too, mostly on my head or temples but occasionally he will tease me with a quick, chaste peck on the lips. Is this what it would be like to be a couple?

I am just glad that the others are elsewhere on the island today… I suppose I should be concerned that I do not know where, but they did not ask us to join them and I cannot say that I am bothered right now.

My Yankee is being very strict about the fitness program we established for me, Gi even asked me if he was bullying me yesterday evening. He was not of course, he was just being as stubborn as I was… which is what I need, I would walk all over the others.

Sometimes I feel guilty when we clash, but then I see that look in his eyes and it reminds me that our arguing is normal, it is when I am being submissive that he worries.

There are times, like now, when we are cuddled up and warm on the sofa and I am not watching the video because I am restless but I do not want to do anything else either. He senses my mood and babies me… and I play up to it, just a little bit. I know he thinks it is all to do with the withdrawal and that does trouble my conscience a bit, but I am enjoying it while I can because when I am completely better, I think my pride will stop me from allowing it.

"Time for bed Ruskie Tootskie?" he asks.

I pout. "I do not want to get up."

"Meaning you don't want to go to bed yet, or you just don't want to move?" He pokes me playfully in the side but I whine and turn away so that my back is leaning against him.

Wheeler wraps both arms around my waist and seeks out the tender spot on my neck with his lips. I melt when he does that and he knows it. "I'm gonna turn everything off and clean up. That's not gonna take me long, and then I'm gonna carry you to our room and massage away all of your tension."

Our room? Does he even know he said that? I can feel a warmth spread through me that has nothing to do with the hoodie and track trousers I am wearing, but I do my best to hide my smile. It is not really necessary, he knows I love his massages and would not even think to object, he will put any reaction down to that.

I feel so awful I cannot describe it. I woke this morning with no energy, I do not need to fake it, I feel like the world ended and I may as well just lay here.

"Time to get up Beautiful." Wheeler says cheerfully but I am not interested.

"Nyet."

He nuzzles me. "Babe come on, we have a routine to maintain."

"I do not care."

"I know what you want." He teases, rubbing my arm. "But it'll have to wait until after our run."

"You sound like Skumm, now leave me alone." I turn my back to him, leaving him in a stunned silence.

After a few moments he says. "I meant a massage Linka, I wasn't coming on to you."

I know that, I do know that… "I do not care, I just want to sleep."

"Okay." He hesitates a moment longer and then gets up out of bed. "I really wasn't suggesting anything…"

"I know." I am crying, I ache all over, I have no energy… I just want the world to fade away.

I hear my Yankee go in the bathroom and hear the shower come on. He does not take long and I keep my head buried under the covers so that when he comes out, he cannot see the tears in my eyes.

"I'm gonna get some clean clothes on and make breakfast…" He is still trying, he does not deserve my bad moods. "You want me to bring you back some."

"Nyet." I am not hungry, in fact I do not want to ever eat again.

He goes away and it feels like forever. I am falling into a black hole and I do not have the energy to climb out, and Wheeler has left me to it. I guess he will not be coming back, he has no reason to.

"Breakfast was boring, you didn't miss much." Wheeler says as he re-enters my room and I hear him kick his shoes off. "The others are off to lecture at some youth club, a lot of good it'll do, you know what teenagers are like. I think you've got the right idea today."

He slips back into bed and wraps his arms around me, pulling me back to spoon against him.

I turn onto my back so that I can look at him. "Why?"

"Huh?" My Yankee is very articulate.

"After what I said to you, why did you come back?" My face is still wet with tears and he gently begins wiping them away.

He actually looks unsure of himself for a moment but then he covers it well. "Didn't you want me to?"

I nod miserably and he relaxes, fidgeting around until he finds a comfortable position for both of us. "I know it's hard to believe right now, but the way you're feeling isn't going to last, it's part of the withdrawal."

"Nyet, I was getting better, I am past that." I tell him.

He looks smug. "If you'd read the pamphlets, you'd know that you have to expect days like this. Days when it all catches up with you."

"So how do I make it go away?" I ask, hearing that childlike note in my voice that I hate so much.

"Exactly what we're doing, cuddle up and wait for it to go away." He kisses my nose. "Let me know if you get hungry, I'll go fix you something."

I am not feeling polite so I turn my back on him again without another word, but this time it is just to get comfortable, I love having him hold me that way. It doesn't feel quite so bad anymore either, I still feel all the things I did when I woke up, but now there is a warm glow in my heart and it is keeping the darkness at bay.

To be continued…

A/N: And don't forget, to get the full affect of the story, you HAVE TO read Wheeler's side of the story in Becks7's Co-dependents Chapter 35! Let us know what you think!