Chapter Forty Two – Day Thirty Four - Continued

It took an hour to get seen at the medical facility and return to the eco-sub. The doctor was very understanding, confirming that my Yankee does have a concussion and explaining how I should look after him. I mostly knew what I had to do, but I am glad Wheeler heard it too, it might make him a little less difficult a patient ... well I can hope!

I keep glaring at him, I cannot seem to help it, the more I think about what happened, the angrier I get. But it is not just him that I am mad at... my own response to seeing him in danger was just as bad... it is simply easier to take it out on Wheeler, it is what we always do.

I do not want to be the one looking after him right now, I keep thinking about what it all means for the future and my thoughts continue getting darker, so I settle for not talking to him.

He has fallen asleep. I will let him have a little while because that is okay, but I will need to check on him before we get back home.

Was his behaviour really more reckless than it used to be? Or am I just seeing it that way now because we are… what? How do you define a relationship like ours has become? More than friends possibly, but we are not a couple and I am wondering more and more if that would ever really work. There have been times when I was sure that it was what I wanted, and that nothing would come between us again… and there have been times when I am sure it would be a disaster.

After seeing the results of our feelings today… I think perhaps it would be better for the Planeteers if it were not an issue… but can we go back? And if we can, do I want to? If I am honest, nyet… but there are more important things than our feelings and one of those things is our duty to the planet…

I lean over and slap his arm. "Wake up."

"Wha-?" He responds

"I am checking on you. You seem fine." I should not be taking this out on him, but if I try to be nice I will cry.

Wheeler does not sound very happy as he answers me. "I am."

"Whatever." I am trying to sound as if I do not care, and failing miserably, fortunately he is inclined to go back to sleep.

Once we dock I wake him again… okay so I hit him, but he deserves it. He complains of course, but I am not listening, I need to get out of here and away from him… back to the safety of my cabin before I lose the tight control I have over my softer emotions.

I slam my door hard and head for the bathroom. Once I am in the shower I stop trying to hold back the sobs… it was all just a little too much. I needed Wheeler's support today, but he just acted like an irresponsible idiot. Maybe if he had not had a concussion he would have realised that I needed him to reassure me… or maybe we just are not on the same wavelength. He can fake it when he has time to think about it but when he is put on the spot… I do not want that to be true. I do not want any of it to be true…

I need to know why he really did what he did today, the truth, and not my own rationalisations and accusations.

I finish my shower quickly – it is not as if I was dirty, just a bit cold and clammy – I pull on clean clothes and make my way over to Wheeler's cabin.

Neither the shower nor the brief cry has done a thing for my mood and I treat Wheeler's door as violently as I treated my own. "Get up!"

He was lying on his bed and I guess I made him jump. "I only have to be woken up every few hours, not every few minutes!"

"GET. UP." I yell, trying not to feel guilty as I look at the huge bruise on his back… I want to be looking after him, not fighting, but I need some answers first.

He sits up on the side of the bed. "Geez, ok. What?"

"What? WHAT? That is all you have to say?" Maybe talking to him was not such a good idea after all. He is blaming it on the concussion, but somehow I think it would not make a difference. In the end I have to spell it out for him. "Why you would do something so foolish! Risk your life!"

"I was trying to save a life." He says it just a little too blasé.

"And ruin one at the same time?" I ask with just a little bit of malice.

He is still not getting it. "I'm fine. I had everything under control."

"I am not talking about you! I am talking about me!" I wish I could get my voice under control, but I can hear the tremor there, hopefully that is something else his head injury will make him oblivious to.

"You?" Sometimes I could shake him!

I hate having to explain, and I hate how selfish the explanation I give him makes me sound, but I cannot tell him the whole truth... not now, maybe not ever. It is not just for right now that I need him.

"I'm still here." He comes to stand in front of me, his hands on my hips and his forehead resting against mine.

I do not move away but I still need answers, and to do that I must share some of my fears. "You have been so strong for me these past few weeks. You have been there for me. But what you did today…was selfish. What were you thinking? Where you trying to impress us? Impress me? Because I WAS impressed Yankee…by who you have shown me that you are capable of being…and then in five minutes, you ruin all that by taking matters into your own hands on this mission and endangering yourself…and us."

"You shouldn't have gone in after me." He replies, "You could have been hurt."

Of course I must now justify my behaviour and I think I find a plausible explanation. "I was the only one who could save you. No one else would have been able to use your ring…I knew that. I had to be the one. It had to be me."

As usual he points out the obvious. "Linka, we didn't know that. We never tested that theory. What if it didn't work?"

"I knew it would," I say with complete confidence... and it is at least partially true. I did not give it a thought when I dived in after him, but I never doubted it would work either.

"Thank you…for saving me," He kisses my forehead and I can feel my resolve weakening, he knows just how to make it difficult for me to stay annoyed with him.

I am not done just yet though. "You are welcome…but you still did not answer my question…why did you do it?"

"So that we could get the mission over with and get back to Hope Island." He answers as if it were obvious.

I push a little harder. "But there was no hurry to get back…I was there with you…"

And he confirms my worst fears… he was so busy concentrating on 'us' that he was not thinking during the mission. All he wanted was to get back here and it nearly got us both killed… I have to put a stop to this before it is too late. "That one is 'Linka, the recovering addict.' NOT 'Linka, the Planeteer.' I need you Yankee…as a recovering addict AND as a Planeteer. I need to know that you will always be here for me."

"I will be." He promises.

I am still arguing. I need him to understand. "Not if you go and do something stupid and end up getting yourself killed, you will not be. I need to know that I can trust you to make the right decisions, not just for me, but for the Planet. Please…do not endanger yourself on missions just to get back here…to this. That has always been my greatest fear…that we, you and I, would not make decisions based on what is best for the team, but what is best for each other…that we would compromise our positions as Planeteers, not give ourselves fully to the mission because we were too concerned about getting back to Hope Island and…this."

Wheeler sounds so sure as he says. "It wouldn't be like that."

But I know for a fact he is wrong. "Yes it would…you just proved it."

"I didn't know I was being tested." He apparently thinks that is unreasonable.

"Exactly…you acted naturally…if you had known, you would have acted as you thought I wanted you to… but honestly, I did not intend to test you…" This is really not easy to say, but I have to. "It just…made me see."

"Can you blame me for wanting to get you back here, all to myself?" He takes my hands and I look down at them. Bozhe'moy!

I am drawn to him… I cannot explain it and when he touches me I do not want to explain it, I just want to fall into his arms… but I must not, it is too important. "Wheeler…"

"I know. It's selfish…I'm being childish…just trying to get things back to normal…if you're gonna go back to being the serious, no non-sense one, I gotta go back to being the shameless flirt." He lets go and sits down on the bed.

It is as if all the cold air rushes back in around me and I shiver, remaining silent and letting him talk. "I'm sorry for upsetting you…for scaring you…for being my usual idiotic self. I know things still need to stay stress free for you, and I'm sorry for jeopardizing that."

He is back to being the strong one and I am selfish enough to be glad of it because I was about to cave. I sit down next to him, as close as I can get without putting myself in his lap, and begin to relax as his proximity shuts out the cold. "I forgive you. Just do not let it happen again,"

I bump his shoulder with mine, hoping he will put his arm around me but all he does is promise to stay in control, just as I asked him to.

"And I am sorry for hitting you to wake you up." I add.

He seems amused. "S'okay."

"And I am sorry for enjoying it when I hit you." I tease, watching for his reaction.

"Well now, that's just unforgivable."

Despite his words I know he is joking. It will not be easy to remain 'just friends' but I think we will manage it, I am at least sure we will never be less. "I think you will find it in your heart to forgive me."

"Yeah, you're probably right…you know I'm a sucker right?"

"WHAT?" I can tell by the look on his face that I have misunderstood… and that he knows my mind is not as innocent as I like to make out.

He explains the meaning and though I make light of it, I am a little bothered that he would offer me so much control over him… but perhaps that is just a saying too?

It creates a now unusual awkwardness between us so I try to lighten the mood again. "So, if I tell you I want a massage…"

"Then I have no choice but to grant you your wish."

I do not feel guilty about this, he enjoys it as much as I do. "Well then…I want a massage."

"You got it Princess," He says, just a little too eagerly, but I have a surprise for him.

"AFTER I give you one." If he can use it as an excuse, so can I… besides I am not completely better yet, right?

I guess I need to offer to do things for him more often, it was not meant to be that much of a surprise. "Me?"

"Da…" When he got up I got a better look at his wound and now I cannot help saying something. "Your back…the bruise is horrible!"

"Yeah…it hurts like hell, and that's without anything touching it, so as nice as it sounds, I don't think I can handle having any pressure put on it…even delicate, soft hands like yours." He takes my hand and rubs my palm with his thumb, sending shivers through my body that have nothing to do with the cold. I am glad I put his hoodie back on after my shower, our cotton t-shirts are far too revealing.

"I was thinking more like your neck. With a concussion, your neck muscles are going to be sore from the trauma to the head. Are you in pain?"

He looks… guilty? "I was…but I took some of the pills that the doctor gave me."

"Oh." That is why he feels guilty, because he would not let me have any. Another thought occurs to me and it brightens my mood considerably. He brought them home with him… that must mean he really does trust me again!

"I wish I hadn't though." He adds, shaking my confidence for a moment.

"Why? Because of me? Do not worry about me."

"No, it's not that…not completely. It's just…if I had known that a better offer would come along…for a more…natural pain relief, I would have waited for that. After all, I've been preaching it to you for weeks…I should practice what I preach."

What he means is, he wants a massage! But it is also a reminder that he does think things through… even if it is after the fact. Maybe there is hope for him yet! "Lay down."

Wheeler does as he is told for once and I climb over him to sit astride his hips. I start with his shoulders and move up to his neck, and despite my urge to wring it earlier today, I am very gentle.

I cannot resist playing with the hair at the base of his neck. It is getting long again and I would offer to cut it, but I like it that way. I can tell he likes what I am doing from the noises he is making, I have never known anyone to be able to relax quite so easily… or thoroughly as my Yankee.

"Stabbed by a jealous lover, beaten by a frightened whale…" I say affectionately. "What is next Yankee?"

"Sweet torture by a beautiful Ruskie?" He sounds hopeful

Trying to tease him a little, I lean down and whisper softly in his ear. "Soviet."

"Da…Vhatever," He is attempting to mimic my accent but he sounds more like Arnold Schwartzenegger.

I answer him softly, not wanting to disturb him too much, and manoeuvre myself off the bed. "Get some rest Yankee, I will be here to watch you and wake you periodically to check on you…more gently this time, I promise."

He agrees sleepily and closes his eyes. The way he is sprawled out across his bed does not leave me any room to join him so I sit at his desk instead. I watch him for a long time… I think part of me is still frightened that he will stop breathing, or just disappear or something.

To be continued…

A/N: And don't forget, to get the full affect of the story, you HAVE TO read Wheeler's side of the story in Becks7's Co-dependents Chapter 42! Let us know what you think!