Chapter Forty Six – Day Forty continued

The service is much as it was for the funeral, and Wheeler has a far away look on his face. I wonder if he is thinking of Boris, or James… or has just zoned out. I am crying again but that is not a surprise, now that my own pain has subsided it is much easier to grieve for my cousin.

"Do you want to visit your parents again?" My Yankee asks as we exit the church. The service was beautiful but wearing and what I really want is to go home and go to bed… and someone to cuddle up with. I have unfinished business however.

I shake my head. "Nyet, but I want… I need, to go to Boris' grave, just for a while?"

His hesitation is momentary but it is there, accompanied by a brief flash of anger. "Sure Babe."

Again I shake my head as he takes a step in the direction of the gravesite. "Alone. Please?"

This time there is no hesitation, he simply tells me 'no', but despite being fatigued I am back to my old stubborn self. I need to do this and he is not going to stop me.

Fortunately, my Grandmuska steps in before it turns into a scene, and drags Wheeler off to visit the final resting places of her husband and children. He gives in to her graciously enough, but to me, he does not look happy.

There are other friends and family at Boris' grave when I arrive and they greet me with condolences and hugs, both of which I hate but am too polite to repulse.

Perhaps I should have brought Wheeler with me after all, they seem to know to keep their distance when he is there… at the same time I would not be nearly as okay with accepting their displays of affection if it were not for him.

At least they seem to acknowledge my greater claim, because they soon leave me in peace with my lost cousin. There is a large tree near the grave with a bench around it, I did not notice it before and it gives me a chilling insight into just how bad a state I was in last time we came here. I sit on the bench and try not to think about what I put my best friend through.

I know Boris is no longer here, as I explained to Wheeler earlier, that is the point of today. At the same time, his remains give me a connection to his spirit and there is something I need to say.

"I want you to know… that I forgive you." I lick my dry lips and swallow back tears, this should be easy to say, but it is not. "I miss my little cousin, he was a good person and I loved him very much… I still do. I wish… that I had been there earlier, to help you… to stop you before it was too late… I know I should have done more… I should have been able to save you."

I sob, struggling to get my emotions under control as my vision blurs with unshed tears. "I should have visited you earlier… with Jason, he… you would have liked him. I think back then he would have liked you too, and then he would have understood why I had to come here today. He saved me Boris, not just my life, but my soul. I was broken and he put me back together… that is the sort of person he is, no matter what it costs him, he can never let someone suffer. I owe him more than I can ever repay and I love him more than he can ever know."

"You owe him too Boris, he fixed your mistake, he has freed you of the burden of your sin and he has made it possible for me to move on." I take a deep breath. "Rest in peace."

I take a few minutes to compose myself and then walk slowly back down the path towards the tombstones that mark the graves of the rest of my family… so many gone…

As if she is reading my thoughts, as I approach I hear my Grandmuska say. "She has had so much loss in her life Wheeler. I do not think she can take anymore."

I blush at overhearing their conversation, especially when Wheeler replies. "I know. I'll always be here for her. You too. If you or your family ever needs anything, don't be afraid to ask. I'm just a phone call away."

There, is that not what I said to Boris? I just wish I deserved such loyalty.

My grandmother thanks Wheeler and then addresses the grave of my grandfather… I have never been more grateful for Wheeler not being able to speak Russian! "Our Little Bird has found a good man for herself, Sergei, I hope she will not keep him waiting long."

I nearly choke – though I am almost sure she is talking about marriage – and manage to turn it into simply clearing my throat.

"Hey Babe…you ok?" Wheeler does not hesitate to hold his arm out to me and after the emotionally draining morning I have no hesitation in accepting.

"Da." I reply into his chest, nodding.

After a few moments I pull away and kneel at my grandfather's grave, saying in my native language, "I did not find him Grandfather, he found me, and I would be lost without him in my life."

I know Grandmuska hears me, but she has no idea just how true those words are… or what they will ultimately mean for us.

But not right now. Right now we are here together and if my grandmother wants to think there is more going on I am in no mood to argue with her. I stand up and return to Wheeler, placing my hand in his, where to my mind, it fits perfectly.

To be continued…

A/N: And don't forget, to get the full affect of the story, you HAVE TO read Wheeler's side of the story in Becks7's Co-dependents Chapter 46! Let us know what you think!