Edward paid quickly for the meal, and we walked over to our usual table. Alice had been waiting for us, and she immediately began investigating what we'd bought and making a show of choosing her own meal.
"How's Jasper enjoying his new job?" I asked her.
Alice smiled, "Edward wouldn't have bothered asking," she told me, "that's why I'm so glad to have you around. Jazz is settling in very well. Luck would have it, I had a bit of research to do in the library this morning, so I had a chance to catch up with him and see how he was doing. He was shocked to find that they were using the Library of Congress Cataloguing System rather than the Dewey Decimal, but, obviously, he doesn't have time to recatalogue the entire library. Instead, he's amusing himself with making a few acquisitions. Apparently the school recently won a grant to help with a major restocking. That ought to keep even Jazz busy for a little while."
"He should start with an up-to-date set of encyclopaedias," Edward said, "did you notice that the current set are eight years old?" He smirked, "I believe that there's a good deal on the Americana at the moment."
Alice snorted, "I expect that there are a lot of good deals on that particular publication; it's not as though anyone would chose to buy it for any other reason."
Edward laughed, "Alice has a grudge against the Americana," he told me, "they corrected an article that she wrote for them a few years ago. Will Jasper buy the Britannica in order to please you?"
She shrugged, "he hasn't noticed the need yet. To buy the new encyclopaedias, that is, he is very aware of the need to please me."
"Of course, in an All-American High School, it might be considered injudicious to purchase the old world version, when the new is available." Edward continued, "and, you have to admit that the writing style of the Americana is superior."
"Though the Britannica has fewer errors."
They lapsed into silence for a minute or so, glaring at each other. Suddenly, Alice turned back to me and said, "I'm sorry, Bella, that was very rude of us. Sometimes we get a little bit too involved," that was when I realised that they must have been continuing the argument out of my range of hearing.
"Do you have anything to recommend for Jasper's wish list?" Edward asked me.
I thought for a bit. I hadn't spent a lot of time in the school library. There was, after all, not a huge selection. "I don't exactly have the current catalogue memorised" I joked, "but I think that they have a pretty poor dramatic section. Perhaps he could get Barrie and O'Casey."
"They have the novel of Peter Pan," Alice told me, "but not the play, which, as you were going to say, is a superior work. Any library is incomplete without O'Casey, so I certainly agree there." Of course, both of them would have the entire catalogue memorised.
"Have you seen the Hitchcock version of Juno and the Paycock?" Edward asked me. I shook my head and he smiled delightedly, "you should see it. Come and let me show it to you. I'd like to know what you think of it."
"It's nearly time we had a little less respect for the dead, an' a little more regard for the living." Alice quoted, with a wicked grin from me to Edward, oddly enough in a perfect Dublin accent.
"Th' whole worl's in a terrible state o' chassis" I replied, in my very best Irish accent. When I'd studied O'Casey in Phoenix we'd put on a production of Juno and the Paycock and we'd all spent many weeks practising our accents by speaking the blarney at lunchtimes.
"Have you seen Shadow of a Doubt?" Edward asked.
I wondered why he was changing the subject from Irish playwrights to Hitchcock movies. It couldn't be because he didn't know the plays. Edward had read everything. I was going to ask, but Alice slipped over a square of paper, which read 'Edward can't do Irish accents'. So instead I said, "we can have a Hitchcock celebration at the weekend if you like. I'll let you show me all your favourites. I've only seen the Birds."
"Not even Psycho?" Alice asked, then she laughed at my reply, just before I gave it.
"I don't like scary movies," I said, though I don't know why. Edward and Alice had already heard me. "I don't see what's funny about that," I complained, "I happen to get scared easily." Now they were both laughing. Ah, well, at least they were happy; crazy vampires.
"Do you have any other surprising fears?" Edward asked, struggling to compose himself.
I frowned at him, "I'm not scared of snakes or the dark or anything, if that's what you're asking me. I do have the usual standard fear of homicidal maniacs trying to kill me, though."
That stopped them laughing pretty fast. I realised too late, that they would think I was talking about Victoria. "Most of all," I said, desperately trying to think of a way of lightening the mood again, "I'm scared of ever having to listen to the full encyclopaedia argument between the two of you."
They didn't laugh as freely as before, but they did laugh again.
"I promise never to subject you to the full argument," Edward said solemnly, "I would only need two sentences to convince you of the greatness of the Americana."
"Not today you won't," Alice said, "three, two, one." The bell rang and we all got up to return to our classes.
Edward walked me to the gym and left me while I had my games lesson. I met him again in Biology. Walking into the room and seeing his head lift and his eyes light up, I felt on top of the world. I don't know what it is that Edward sees in me, but I'm glad that it's there, and I hope it never goes away. There's no greater feeling than walking into a room and finding someone who's pleased to see you.
"What are you smiling about?" He asked, "you look really pleased about something."
"You," I told him, blushing to my ears.
"That's very pleasing to hear. What have I done right? Tell me, so that I can be sure to do it again, often."
"You looked pleased to see me," I told him, "a girl likes to feel wanted, you know."
He grinned, "I am always very pleased to see you," he said, "and especially pleased to see you getting out of a PE lesson completely unscathed."
"Well, keep showing that you're pleased to see me, and I'll keep smiling. You could leave out the sarcastic remarks about my clumsiness, though."
"I wasn't being sarcastic," he said, "I was being serious. It is lovely to see you survive physical activity without hurting yourself. I was expressing my delight in your increasing gracefulness. I would like to suggest that it's the result of the dancing. Perhaps a bit more dancing would lead to even more gracefulness."
"I don't mind dancing with you when nobody can see us," I said, "that's quite nice." I thought about having his arms tightly wrapped around me, his eyes gazing into mine. When we were dancing, it wouldn't matter how close I got, Edward would be too polite to pull away before the end of the dance. Perhaps I should encourage him in this new desire. He couldn't force me to dance in public while he was still grounded and forbidden from leaving the house, unless he was going to school.
He was so thrilled by my concession, that I felt guilty. He obviously thought that I was considering dancing with him in order to make me happy. He had no idea of my selfish ulterior motives. Maybe it was best to keep it that way. This whole 'full disclosure' thing could easily be taken too far.
We didn't get another chance to talk until the end of the day. As we headed back towards the car, Edward said, "will you come over tonight?"
"After dinner," I assured him.
"I don't think that you should spend so much time away from me," he said, "you're much safer at my house. Perhaps we could convince Charlie that it would be better for you to stay with us for a while."
"Why would he think that it would be better for me to stay with you?"
"He could be obliged to go away for work, or your house could burn down," Edward offered, as though these were sensible options, "or you could tell him that you love me and can't stand to be away from me every night."
I smiled, "I'm perfectly safe at home," I told him, "and, if my house is damaged in anyway I will hold you personally responsible."
I was surprised to hear Alice singing, before we reached her. In her delightful, soft Irish accent she sang: "Dear harp o' me counthry, in darkness I found thee, the dar chain of silence had hung o'er thee long. When proudly, me own island harp, I unbound thee, an' gave all thy chords to light, freedom an' song!"
"Please," Edward groaned, "I thought that you'd stopped messing about with accents."
Alice grinned and replied, "There's no necessity to be raisin' your voice; shoutin's no manifestin' forth of a growin' mind."
Edward glared and stuck his tongue out at his sister, which is probably the first time that this line from The Plough and the Stars has ever met with such a reception.
Jasper, who had been waiting patiently for Alice to finish her song, looked very sternly at Edward and said, "that is not polite, gentelmanly behaviour, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen. If you can't keep your tongue in your mouth where it belongs, I'll be happy to keep it somewhere else for you." As he spoke, he pulled a small wooden box out of his pocket and tossed it lightly between his hands.
I would have laughed at such an absurd threat, but Edward took it very seriously indeed. He took a couple of steps back and looked warily at Jasper's box. He put his hands out in front of himself and said quickly, "my apologies, Alice, I will endeavour to behave appropriately."
Jasper smirked and tossed the box over to me. In my surprise, I actually caught it. Then I looked at it suspiciously. Was I going to open it up and find it full of vampire tongues? I remembered Edward telling me that vampires could be ripped apart and put back together and only died if they were burned after being dismembered. I wondered what had happened to all the vampires whose tongues Jasper had stolen. Then I realised, with a giggle, that he must be joking. There was no way that Jasper stole tongues and put them in a box.
I looked down to examine the box in more detail. It was a little rosewood box, about two inches cubed. There was a pretty knot design carved on the top and a tiny little golden catch on one side. I flicked the catch up with my thumb.
Edward leapt forward and put his hand over the top. He kept his eyes on Jasper the whole time, wondering if Jasper was going to strike. "You should let me open it," he said.
"Definitely not," Jasper replied, "hands off, Edward."
Edward lifted his hand off the box, but left it hovering only millimetres over the top. He was tense. I looked over at Jasper and saw that he was standing very still. Alice didn't seem perturbed, she was idly tracing patterns in the dust of the driveway with her foot. I watched Edward's eyes narrow at something that Jasper had 'said' to him. Then he backed away slowly, standing just in front of me and still watching Jasper closely. I wondered at Edward's reaction. If he was in on the joke, he was building it up a bit too much. If he wasn't in on the joke, then his actions made no sense at all. What could he possibly think was in the pretty little wooden box?
I opened the box.
Inside was a neat little note saying 'Edward can't tell when Jasper's joking.'
I looked at Edward, waiting on tenterhooks for me to scream, and I span the box around to show him. Edward frowned "maybe that's because you're not verry funny," he told his brother.
Alice and Jasper obviously disagreed. They were laughing so hard that other students stopped to stare at us.
I didn't want to offend Edward, but I couldn't stop myself from laughing just as hard. "It was pretty funny," I said, "did you really think that Jasper would hurt you? How scared of him are you, if you take such crazy threats seriously?"
"Considering Jasper's past," Edward replied stiffly, "I think that I exhibit a reasonable level of caution in my relationship with him. You couldn't see what he was thinking about just now."
I shook my head, "your family are obviously better at controlling their thoughts than you realise," I said.
"Ssh," Jasper said to me in a whisper that I could barely hear, but I was sure was very clear to Edward, "don't tell him. We like to let him think that he's omniscient." Alice and I giggled, but Edward pretended not to listen.
I looked back down at the little box and noticed that, underneath Edward's inability to recognise Jasper's sense of humour, there were several other notes already inside: 'Edward can't juggle', 'Edward can't dance en pointe', 'Edward can't roll his tongue', 'Edward can't ride a horse', 'Edward can't peel a lemon and get the rind off as one whole piece', 'Edward can't tell what colours match', 'Edward can't calm people down when they're angry', 'Edward can't jump as far as Alice can', 'Edward can't jump as high as Jasper can', 'Edward is not very good at tracking', 'Edward can't live without Bella'. I added the note that Alice had given me at lunchtime.
"This is a lovely gift," I said to Edward's siblings, "thank you."
"We're going to help you keep adding to it," Alice promised, "it'll be a nice thing for you to look at whenever you get confused and think that Edward's good at everything. There are loads of things that he can't do and we will, gradually, help you to make out a whole list."
"Come on," Jasper said, "we should get going. We'll drop you off first, Bella, then we'll go for a quick hunt before we take my very serious brother home. Unless you're afraid to ride with me, Ed?"
Edward growled at him and held open the door for Alice and me to climb into the car.
During the drive back to my house, Edward was sulking and Jasper and Alice were talking too fast for me to hear them, so I let my thoughts wander for a bit. It would be good to have dinner with Charlie and spend a bit of time with him this evening. I hadn't spent much time with him since we'd all got back from our ordeal in Italy. I thought about how much had changed in such a short time. Only a week ago I was still miserable and alone, I thought that I would never be happy again. I caught sight of Jasper's raised eyebrow in his rear-view mirror, and quickly changed my train of thoughts. I tried to think happy thoughts, of smiling and laughing, riding my motorbike with Jacob. I ought to get back in touch with Jacob. We hadn't spoken since that stupid fight. I couldn't even remember what the fight had been about. Maybe after dinner, I could call him. I was pretty sure that I hadn't promised Edward that I wouldn't phone Jacob. I was pretty sure that he'd 'given up', before he got me to agree to that. It hardly mattered how late I got to the Cullens' house. They weren't going to go to bed. That would be a good use of my evening, I could catch up with everyone.
Suddenly, Alice began singing Danny Boy. I felt a slight flash of confusion, but then I felt myself flooded with joy and delight at the sound of her voice. It was beautiful. I gazed at Alice in wonder, she was the most amazing thing that I'd ever seen and she sang with the voice of an angel. I watched her lips as she sang and found myself wanting nothing more than to spend a few minutes alone with her, just to feel her hand in mine, perhaps, if she would allow it, to press my lips against hers . . .
"Jasper!" Edward said, "you're overflowing."
"My apologies," Jasper looked sheepishly at me and the love I felt for Alice receeded. Alice had stopped singing, I could see that she was my best friend again, and I no longer wanted to kiss her. "I can't help it, when Alice sings," Jasper explains, "it's just so beautiful."
Edward snorted, "it's a little bit uncomfortable for those of us who aren't in love with her, however."
"That's amazing," I said, "is that how you feel about Alice?"
Jasper shrugged a bit, "well, you weren't feeling the full force of it," he said, "Edward said that I was 'overflowing' and that's a pretty apt description. I lost control of my own emotions for a moment and allowed a fraction of them to flow into you and Edward. I try not to do that because it is rather uncomfortable to have to fight your own family in order to get some time alone with your wife."
"It was beautiful, though," I turned to Alice, "it must be really amazing to know exactly how he feels about you."
She grinned, "it is," she said, "but I think that I'd know anyway. Jazz has many ways of showing his feelings for me, I don't always need his gift." We were just pulling up to the house and Edward swang around to open my door. Alice leapt up, "hey, let me walk you in, I want to pick a better top for you to wear this evening. I don't really like that neckline on you."
"Alice, you dressed me this morning, why would you make me wear a top you didn't like all day long?"
"I did like it this morning. But a whole day has gone by and fashion has changed. There was a big show in Paris, and now necks have to be sharp, not curved, so you need to change." Edward looked puzzled, but he walked round to open the other door for Alice, obviously manners take precedence over rationality.
"Come on," Alice said, dragging me by the hand, "I'll be back before you convince him, Edward" she called over her shoulder as we ran to my house.
As soon as we were in the house, Alice had my little notebook in her hand and began writing furiously, "humans walk so slowly," she said, talking whilst she wrote, "there's a couple of possibles in your drawer upstairs, let's go and have a look."
Bemused, I followed her up the stairs. When we got to my room, Alice handed me the note that she'd just written, whilst continuing to talk non-stop about my tops: critiquing each one in turn.
'Firstly, please try not to make decisions suddenly like that. It was very hard for me to cover my vision in time and I think that Edward is still suspicious. Secondly, I know when you're planning on seeing the wolves because your future disappears. Thirdly, do you understand that: your future disappears! That means that I can't tell if you're even going to survive the day. Fourthly, there is a genuine risk that you might not survive. The wolves are really dangerous and they could easily kill you without meaning to do so. Fifthly, please say 'yes Alice' right now or Edward will come in.'
"Yes, Alice," I said, wondering exactly what I had just agreed to. Alice might be able to write notes, whilst imagining future conversations, whilst talking and walking up the stairs, but I couldn't even read one thing whilst listening to another.
'Sixthly, I know that you don't want anyone telling you what to do and that you spent plenty of time with the wolves whilst we were away, but I am begging you: please try and keep yourself safe. Please reconsider your plans.'
That was the end of the note, I looked up to see a plaintive expression on Alice's face. I sighed and nodded.
"That's decided, then," she said cheerily, "this top. We'll see you after you've had dinner. Thank you, Bella," she said, smiling at me to show that she meant to thank me for agreeing to skip my planned phone call to Jacob, "I love it when you let me help you pick out clothes."
I nodded again and Alice disappeared down the stairs. By the time I'd got to the front window to wave, Jasper had driven away.
I made steak for dinner and even put together a crumble for dessert. Charlie and I had a bit of a conversation over dinner, he was worried about my college applications because he hadn't noticed me sending any in. Of course, he had good reason to be worried, I hadn't yet applied to a single college and I knew that lots of deadlines had already passed. I also knew, however, that I would be dead and a vampire before I went to college, so any applications that I made would be for the sake of an alibi only. I reassured Charlie that I had sent off a few applications already and that I had it all in hand, I simply didn't want to get excited about anywhere in particular until I'd got an offer. I don't think that he believed me, but he was happy enough just to hear that I was still planning on college and didn't intend to get married and start having kids straight out of high school. I think that he was worried, after the 'trouble' that Edward had gotten into, that Edward might be leading me astray. He hinted a few times that I should be strong enough to 'say no' and advised that I chose the college that was best for me without worrying too much about what my 'other friends, even the closest of them' might be doing. I could easily keep up friendships, even without attending the same college. His advice wasn't very helpful, but I appreciated him caring enough to give it, so the conversation went off amicably enough.
I washed and Charlie dried and then I excused myself to go and see Alice and Edward.
"You should have Alice over here for dinner, sometime," Charlie said.
"Then I wouldn't see Edward, and I like to see him too."
"Do the Cullens not mind you hanging around there all the time? I thought that Edward was meant to be grounded, that's usually intended to put a bit of a dent in a boy's social life."
"They think that I'm a good influence on him," I said, "Esme and Carlisle like having me over."
"I guess, but wouldn't your other friends like to see you too? It doesn't seem right that you should wind up stuck at home alongside Edward all the time, when you didn't do anything wrong. When was the last time you saw Jacob?"
"Only a couple of days ago, and I see plenty of people at school. Look, if it makes you feel better, I was planning on calling Jacob tonight."
"I know that it's not up to me who you're friends with. I just don't think that you ought to ditch Jake just because the Cullens are back."
"Sure, thanks Dad."
I left the house and got into the car. I hadn't decided to see Jake tonight, so Alice shouldn't be cross, I was only thinking about calling him, and I was going to see the Cullens first, that ought to count for something.
This time it didn't feel so strange to drive myself to the Cullens' house. I parked the truck, strode up to the door and knocked without hesitating.
Edward opened it instantly, he looked relieved and delighted to see me. He gave me that huge grin that made me feel special and wanted, and pulled me into his arms for a tight hug.
"I missed you," he said, "what took you so long?"
"I had to cook and then I had to eat," I told him, "being a human takes up a lot of my free time."
He chuckled. "I like that top on you," he said.
I groaned, "how come Alice didn't make you change your clothes after school?"
"There haven't been any major fashion changes in menswear yet today," he said, "besides, we have an agreement: Alice only gets to choose one of my outfits a week. She tends to plan which one that will be quite carefully."
"How on earth did you manage to make an agreement like that?"
He shrugged, "I'm afraid that I can't let you in on my secret way of handling Alice," he said, "if more than one person tried to use it, it would become exponentially less effective."
I glared at him, wondering if he'd already forgotten our 'full disclosure' agreement. Of course, it was impossible for him to forget exactly, but he might have decided to pretend that it hadn't happened or that it, for some reason no longer applied.
"I haven't forgotten our agreement," he said, "but I was hoping that you would only subject me to one difficult conversation at a time. I'm aware that you intended to complete your questioning about my mind-reading this evening. It occurred to me that you might let me off discussing anything else difficult, at least for tonight."
"Don't look so put-upon, you know that I can't force you to do anything that you don't want to do. Will you talk about mind-reading here? You're not worried about your family overhearing?"
"Almost everyone's gone out hunting, Alice is upstairs, but she's probably seen the whole conversation already anyway." I was shocked at that, I'd thought that Edward was still under house-arrest. If he wasn't grounded anymore, why hadn't he come to visit me instead? "What are you thinking?" he asked, "are you worried about being alone with me? I can call Esme and Carlisle and ask them to come back."
"Of course I'm not worried about being alone with you. I'm just surprised. I didn't think that you were allowed to be alone at the moment. I thought you were still on probabtion."
Edward grimaced, "it's difficult for them to keep watching me all the time. I've been behaving myself and I promised not to leave the house, so they thought it would be ok to leave me alone for a few hours. Alice would be able to see if I planned on leaving and Esme and Carlisle could be back within ten minutes. Jasper can tell that I'm sincere about my repentance and that I am going to obey him and Esme and Carlisle from now onwards."
"I'm glad that your family trust you again," I said.
Edward shook his head, "I'm still in disgrace," he replied, "they just don't think that I can get into much trouble in ten minutes, and it's hard to spare someone to guard me all the time. They know that I wouldn't want to risk making them any angrier right now. I'm on thin ice as it is."
I knew that he didn't like talking about this. He was upset that his family didn't trust him and ashamed that he was being treated like a teenager. But I wanted to know exactly what was going on. If I was going to be any help at all, then I had to understand.
"Edward," I said, "come and sit with me, I think that we need to have a bit of a talk."
I went and sat on one of the leather couches. Edward followed me, like a little puppy, "are you leaving me?" he asked, "if there's anything that I've done wrong, I'm sorry. If there's any part of me that you don't like, I can change it. Are you determined to leave?"
"Hush, I'm not leaving, sit down." He sat on a chair opposite me, "come and sit closer," I prompted, so he walked over and sat awkwardly next to me on the couch. I tugged at him and pulled him over, so that he was lying down with his head on my lap. He smiled and let me do it.
"This isn't a 'breaking-up' kind of talk then," he said.
"No, Edward, I love you lots and lots and you're not getting rid of me that easily."
He smiled his crooked smile, "alright, what do you want to talk about."
"Um . . . first I want to clear up the me leaving thing. Do you know that I love you?"
He nodded slowly.
"Then why do you think I'd leave? Ever since we got back from Italy, you've been scared that I'm going to leave you. Why don't you trust me?"
He frowned, "it's not that I don't trust you. It's that I don't trust me. I ruined our happiness once, I'm just waiting for the moment when I do it again. I'm just waiting for the moment when I do something so wrong that you have to leave me, like I left you."
"That's silly."
He sighed, "thank you very much, Bella."
"Well, it is silly. Obviously, I don't want you to try and mess up our relationship, but I'm not expecting you to be perfect. When our next problem arrives, we just have to make sure that we work through it together and nobody tries to run away. Agreed?"
"Emmett was right," he said, "you have grown up. I can't grow up."
"Nonsense, everyone's always telling me how much you've changed. I'm sure that you can change again whenever you want to. But, I don't want you to grow up, anyway, I like you just the way you are."
"Really? You like me being a sulky teenager who over-dramatises everything?"
I leaned in to kiss his forehead, "yup, I think it's cute," I said. "Now, are you ready for the serious conversation?"
He shook his head, but he didn't move.
I began to stroke his hair, soothing him in preparation.
"You trust me, right?" I said.
He nodded, though I could see a wary tightening around his eyes.
"Good. Now, earlier you said that you were 'on thin ice' with your family. Will you tell me what you meant?"
He shivered and shut his eyes tightly, but I kept stroking his hair, and eventually he spoke, "I meant that if I make any more wrong moves they will get rid of me."
"You think that your family are considering throwing you out, disowning you?"
"I endangered all of them. Most importantly, I endangered Jasper's mate and Jasper's the oldest member of the family. Besides, when we got back from Italy, I disobeyed Carlisle and Jasper and Esme. It's not as though I'm a newborn, I have control over myself and I refused to do as I was told. Instead I attacked my own family, in an attempt to run to you, even though they had expressly forbade it. If this had been any other coven, I would have been thrown out long ago. I'm dangerous and out of control and I brought us to the attention of the Voturi. A normal coven would have destroyed me. My family are kind and they wouldn't do that. But they must be thinking about expelling me."
"Have you ever heard any of them thinking that?"
He shook his head, "they're too kind to let me know what they're thinking. They'll hide it from me until the moment they decide to get rid of me. Then they'll ask me to leave and I'll have to go." He opened his eyes and looked at me, with utter hopelessness and sorrow "I don't know where I'll go," he said quietly.
"Edward, honey, I don't think that you have to go anywhere. Has it occurred to you that perhaps you haven't heard them thinking about getting rid of you, because they haven't been thinking about it? Even on that horrible night, when you were fighting with Jasper and Emmett, did you hear them thinking about getting rid of you, then?"
"No. But, they may have been distracted by the stress of the moment. Soon they'll realise that my usefulness doesn't outweigh the risk of keeping me."
He talked as though he was a pet and not a brother and son. I was sure that none of his family had any idea that he thought this way about them. I wondered if it was possible to make him see how ridiculous he was being. They were a family. Family don't just throw people out because they won't do as they're told.
"Do you think that your family are considering getting rid of anyone else; Alice perhaps?"
"Of course not. Alice is with Jasper. Nothing could ever split them apart. There wouldn't be the family without Alice and Jasper and Carlisle and Esme and Emmett and Rosalie. You could never split up a couple, vampires mate for life. And if you took out any one of the couples, it would destroy the family, slicing off a full third at a stroke."
"Edward, two people aren't a third, your family has seven people in, doesn't it? You're as much a part of your family as Alice is, or as Esme is, or Rosalie. Edward, you know how much you love your family? I think that they love you just as much."
Again he shook his head and he closed his eyes, "they all have each other."
"And you and I have each other, too. You're safe. You're loved. And nobody is ever going to send you away. Now, you just stay there, where you feel safe, I'm going to call Alice."
He looked confused, "why are you calling Alice?" he asked.
"Ssh," I said, stroking his hair with my free hand. He sighed and settled back onto my lap, letting me soothe him.
Alice picked up on the first ring, "are you ready for the family meeting?" she asked me.
"Yes," I said, a little puzzled as to how she knew that was what I wanted, "this is about what I think it's about, isn't it?"
"Yes, Bella," Alice said slowly, "I have visions of the future. I arranged the family meeting that you were calling me to ask me to arrange. Sometimes it saves time to plan ahead. We'll all be with you in ten minutes. But, you should stay where you are. He's going to be calmer on your lap than he would be sat at the table. It'll all go just fine."
Edward had heard both sides of the conversation, of course, and he seemed to mull it over in his head. After a minute or so, lying there, letting me stroke him, he said, "you shouldn't leave with me, I can't keep you as safe as the rest can. The loss of my gift will be a disadvantage, but Alice's gift and Jasper's will make up for it. If they don't make me go a long way away, then I'll still try to help defend you. But, vampires are usually careful to stay out of each others' territory."
"Edward, if you left, I would come with you. I'm part of you and you're part of me. We're mated, alright, just like Jasper and Alice or Carlisle and Esme or Emmett and Rosalie. But, you're not actually leaving."
"You're right," he said, "they might keep me around, as long as I remain useful, so perhaps I won't actually have to leave until the current threats are disarmed. On the other hand, though my mind-reading can come in handy, it's also pretty annoying, so they may figure that they'd rather be rid of me sooner than later."
I sighed, "I think that – strange as it sounds to say – I might know your family a little bit better than you do, Edward. Do you think that they've 'kept you around' as you put it, because it's handy to have an in-house mind-reader?"
"Most of them are quite fond of me too," he said "I think that helps. And I can do other things. I make myself useful around the house and take an interest in everyone's hobbies. I think that they've found me pleasant company."
Poor Edward, convinced that he had to provide his family with reasons to want him. I wondered if I was really going to be able to make a difference. After all, Edward had lived with Carlisle and Esme for almost a century, if they hadn't convinced him that they loved him in the course of a century, how was I going to do so in an hour?
I suppose it made sense that he would have issues. He'd been the only single one of the family for a long time. I remembered him telling me about Alice moving in and taking his room. I remembered him telling me that he didn't deserve the welcome that Esme and Carlisle had given him after his rebellious period. I remembered him telling me that Carlisle had changed him because he was lonely and sought a companion, then telling me that Carlisle had finally found his soul mate in Esme. I wondered how long Edward had felt this way. Had he always wondered if his family really wanted him? Had he believed himself to be on 'thin ice' ever since he'd returned? Had he felt that Jasper and Alice had made him redundant? Poor Edward.
He lay on his side with his head in my lap, and I stroked his hair idly. Suddenly, he span round and looked up at me.
"What is it?"
"I can hear them," he said, "they're nearly here." There was a pause, Edward looked at me, building up the courage to speak again, "Bella, I'm scared" he said finally.
"Hush, it's all going to be ok," I promised him, knowing that it was going to be fine. They weren't going to tell him to go away. They were going to tell him that they loved him and wanted him to stay with them. But I didn't know if he would believe them.
"You'll stay with me?" he asked, then he sighed, "I shouldn't have asked."
"You shouldn't need to ask," I said "of course, I'll stay with you. I'll stay with you, always."
He opened his mouth to protest, to tell me that I ought to stay with his family, to keep myself safe. Then he smiled slightly, "we'll talk about it later," he said, "for now, let me believe that I'll always have you."
Then the cars were close enough for even me to hear them. Edward sat up and leaned against me, putting his arm around my waist and resting his head on my shoulder. I shuffled a bit, making this new position comfortable and he pulled back "sorry, I should have asked, do you mind if I sit like this?"
"Of course not, I like having you close. Just let me get comfy," he smiled at me as I rearranged my legs and arms to my satisfaction. He put his head back on my shoulder and breathed in deeply.
"I love being this close to you," he said, "your scent makes me feel safe."
I heard car doors slamming, and Edward stopped speaking, just snuggled close to me. My right arm was wrapped around Edward, but my left arm was resting on my lap; Edward took my left hand in his right hand and held it gently. I heard voices, I couldn't make out what they were saying and Edward didn't seem bothered, so I didn't ask him to tell me. I finally heard Emmett as he came in the front door, "I'm just saying," Emmett's voice continued some argument that he had been having as he approached the house, "that, if the 'Edward's an Idiot' meetings are going to become a regular event, they ought to have an official name."
"It's a family meeting, Emmett," Carlisle replied, "that's a perfectly good name. I don't recall Edward talking about 'Emmett's an Idiot' meetings."
There was a bit of laughter at this, and I could discern Esme and Rosalie's laughter mixed with Emmett's.
"Of course Emmett was never this much of an idiot," Rosalie mused, "I think it's pushing it even for Edward. Maybe Alice is wrong."
"Never," I heard Alice's voice too now, "I'm never wrong."
"That's not quite true," said Esme, "and I can't help hoping that you're wrong about this. It's not that I like you making mistakes, Alice, I just can't bear to think of Edward being so upset."
"He is," Jasper sounded glum. His quiet words brought the conversation to a halt, and by the time the family joined us in the lounge, they were all silent.
"Don't get up," Alice said to us. The rest of the family nodded greetings at me and Edward and fanned out into the room, sitting cosily in couples. For a second I wondered how this had looked to Edward when he'd been to these meetings without me, when he'd been the only one with a couch to himself. Edward might have been thinking the same thing, because he nestled his cheek against me and ran his hand up and down my side, as if he was checking that I was really here.
"Right," said Carlisle, "I believe that this meeting was called by Bella, so perhaps you'll be willing to start us off, Bella."
"Er . . . sure." This had seemed like such a good idea before it started, now I was petrified. How could I have ever thought that summoning a coven of vampires and telling them to be nicer to my boyfriend was going to work? "I didn't actually know that I was going to call this meeting up until ten minutes ago, so it's a bit surprising to see it already starting. But I guess that's how things work in this family."
Alice grinned and Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper chuckled, even Esme and Carlisle smiled and I felt Edward relax a little against me, as he smiled too. That was good, start off with a joke and make sure that everyone's on your side.
"The thing is, that I came over today because I was worried about some things that Edward said and I think that, now I understand what he's been thinking, all of you need to know what he's been worried about." They all looked at me expectantly, Esme leaned forward, "Edward thinks that he's going to be thrown out of the family" I said quickly. It wasn't as neatly phrased as it could have been, but I thought that it was best just to say something.
Esme ran forward and grabbed hold of our hands. She clung to Edward's and to mine, pushing them tightly together and said, "oh, honey, why would you think that? What have we done to you?"
Emmett snorted with laughter, and Rosalie glared at him, "it's not funny, Emmett," she said.
"It is kind of funny," Emmett protested, "back me up Jasper."
Jasper shrugged, he still looked pretty glum, he probably couldn't shake off Edward's feelings.
"Oh, you're tied up with Eddie," Emmett said, "Bella, you think it's funny, don't you?"
"Not really, Emmett," he sat back with a pout and Rosalie smirked at him, "could you all start by telling Edward whether or not you've been thinking about asking him to leave, please?"
Emmett laughed again, and this time Alice giggled too.
"Of course I haven't considered asking you to leave," Esme said, still crouched in front of us and holding Edward's hand, "you're like a son to me these days. And you've been a wonderful son. You were a wonderful 'brother' too, do you remember? Oh, Edward, ever since I first became a vampire, you've been one of my closest friends and companions. I don't understand why you would think that I would ever want to live without you near me. I'm sorry that I've been angry with you recently, but I was angry because you tried to leave us forever, not because I want you to!"
Carlisle came forward to take Esme and lead her back to his side, then he looked carefully at Edward and spoke, "Edward, you were my first companion. You saved me from terrible loneliness. You comforted me while I waited for Esme to wake. You were the best man at my wedding. You've played many roles in the 'family' that we've presented to others, but you have always been a true friend and a staunch ally. Twice now, you have left me and each time I wondered what I could have done differently that might have prevented you from needing to get away. But, I have never wanted you to go. I have always sought to keep you with me. Even when you've wanted to be alone, I have preferred to have you near me. I don't understand why you would think otherwise."
"You're scared," Jasper said, "and you feel tremendous guilt and shame. That's why I'm going to say this. Do you remember the 'Jasper's an Idiot' meeting we had about two months after Alice and I had joined the family? I'd slipped three times in those short months. There were four humans dead at my hand and my eyes were bright red. I wondered if you were all going to ask me to leave, and you heard my thoughts. I recognise the feelings that you are having right now, and they are the same as those that I felt that day. You told me that I shouldn't be a fool and I shouldn't blow things out of proportion." I fought a gasp, it wouldn't do for me to be shocked at this moment, but it was pretty shocking to hear how calmly they had once discussed the death of humans. Jasper didn't look at me, he kept his eyes on Edward and he continued, "you told me that you hadn't welcomed me into this family lightly. You had all considered carefully before you decided to welcome me, and you would not recind that welcome now. I could choose to leave, but I could trust that I would not be thrown out. You told me that if I could learn to trust you and to trust Carlisle and Esme and Emmett and Rosalie as you had seen I trusted Alice, then I would find your ways easier and I would struggle less with my own nature. You were right. So, I am going to ask you to do the same now, try to trust me as I once trusted you. Try to trust your family and to believe us when we say that we want you to remain with us. You know the benefits that can come from trusting this family, it is time you took your own advice."
Alice spoke next, smiling more broadly than any of the others had, Edward loosened his grip on my hand and began tracing circles on my palm with his thumb. He was beginning to relax. "You're not going anywhere," Alice said first, "I don't only know that because I can see it, I also know that because I know that nobody will let you leave. We want you here, and you're staying. I can't believe you think that we only want you because your ability is useful. Is that really the only thing that we ever think about when we're with you? Honestly, Edward, for someone who can read minds, you seem to know remarkably little about what your family are thinking. Have you ever heard anyone think that they wish you weren't in our family?" Nobody spoke, but everyone looked at Edward curiously, "my speech is the interactive one," Alice teased him, "you're expected to reply."
"No," he said quietly, "nobody has ever let me see that thought."
"Or nobody has ever had that thought" Alice said sternly, "Edward, you know that we're not that good at concealing our thoughts. Apart from Bella, is there anyone here who hasn't let you overhear a secret?"
Edward shook his head.
"Again, apart from Bella, is there anyone here who has ever managed to sneek up on you or surprise you?"
Edward smiled very slightly "actually, Bella hasn't ever snuck up on me either," he said, "but I get your point, Alice."
"Really? Well, have you ever heard anyone thankful that you were part of our family? Think back, Edward."
"Yes, I have, thank you."
"When we're glad to have you around, is it because we find your ability useful?"
He sighed, "not usually, no, but sometimes that's what people think. You're all glad when I can warn you if people suspect us. Everyone has at some point asked me what someone else was thinking. You can't say that my gift isn't useful to you."
"Have we ever asked your opinion? Have we ever asked you to spend time with us? Does Emmett like to wrestle you? Does Jasper like to race you? Does Carlisle enjoy your conversations? Is Esme pleased to see you when you come home? Does Rosalie enjoy working on the cars with you? Do we all like you, Edward? You can read our minds, you can tell me the answer."
He nodded, defeated, "but, however much you all like me, I've still caused a lot of trouble lately. You would probably miss my company as well as my ability. But, you wouldn't miss the danger that I've brought upon you."
"You understand that it isn't your ability we want to keep, it's you?"
He nodded again, "thank you, Alice. I'm sorry for being so stupid."
Emmett laughed, "ah, that's ok, Eddie, that's why this is the 'Edward's an Idiot' meeting not the 'Edward's got a perfectly sensible point to make' meeting. I think it's my turn." Alice sat back with a genial wave. Rosalie smiled, I hoped that she was going to be a good choice to go last. I didn't want her to undo all the good work so far. "Right," said Emmett, "this is a bit odd, Eddie. You don't often need advice, and I don't think that I recall ever having to tell you something this obvious. You're family and nothing you do – however stupid – could ever change that. We all know that leaving Bella was stupid and telling her that you didn't love her was asinine. But, Bella seems to have forgiven you, so I guess you got away with it. We also all know that going to Italy and – unintenionally, but fairly predicatably – telling that Aro guy all about our whole family was ultra-stupid. When you got back here, you did seem a little bit crazy. A run of really stupid moves, followed by attacking your family, of course we were worried about you. So we wrapped you up and kept you safe, and we're going to continue to keep you safe until you get back in control. Nobody thinks that you're going to be crazy forever, don't worry about it so much. Obviously it sucks that you can't drive and you're stuck in the house or being watched over by Jasper all the time, but it's only because we want to keep you safe. I do wish that you hadn't done some of the stuff that you've done this year, but then I wish you wouldn't fight with Rose, and that's never stopped you. Just remember, this is pretty stupid, and it makes sense that you're a bit cut up about it, but this isn't the only stupid thing that you've ever done and it may not turn out to be the most stupid thing that you'll ever do. Try and get a bit of perspective."
"That must make it my turn," Rosalie said, smiling at me, then turning to look much more seriously at Edward. "I know that we all tease each other a lot about favourites, and I know that you don't think that you're my favourite brother, but you are my first brother and that means a lot to me. When I first met you, I didn't understand what it meant to have a brother. I only knew that you didn't want to be a husband to me, and I was hurt, because that felt like rejection. But gradually, I got to know you and I realised that you weren't rejecting me at all, you were offering me a different kind of relationship. Having a brother is great. It does mean arguing; I know that you and I argue a lot, but I think that's because we're more sibling-like than anyone else in this family. But having a brother also means having an equal, someone that you can be comfortable with and someone that you can share things with without fear of rejection. You helped me, when I was scared and I thought that nobody wanted me. Now, I guess it's come full circle. Now you're afraid that I'm going to reject you, and I'll have to try and show you what a sister is meant to be like. I might not have done a very good job in the past, and I know that I've been unkind to you since you got back from Italy. But I will try harder to be the kind of sibling that you were to me when I needed it. Maybe you'll see that having a sister can be pretty great too."
I know it's soppy, but I was choking back tears by the end of all those speeches. Edward's family really did love him, and they knew how to express their love in words. It was beautiful to hear. Alice slipped out of the room and came back with a glass of water, for which I was very grateful when I tried to talk.
"Oh," I said, "I wanted – oh" I found myself choking and spluttering, it wasn't a very impressive ending to all the beautiful speeches. I sipped my water, while the room of perfect vampires waited calmly, as if this was normal behaviour.
"She's not unhappy," Jasper said to nobody in particular, perhaps responding to a general feeling of concern and confusion, "she's moved; um, she liked what we said."
"Yes, oh, I did," I stopped to drink again, Edward rubbed his hand on my back. "I wanted to suggest something that might stop this occuring again."
"Stop what occuring again?" Emmett asked, "are you going to stop Edward being an idiot?"
"Stop calling Edward an idiot," Esme said.
"Er, no," I said, "that is, he isn't an idiot and if he was," Edward stared at me, "I wouldn't know how to stop him. No, I wanted to suggest a way to stop Edward thinking that you didn't really like him."
That got their attention, even Alice was looking at me, though she must have known what I was going to say, since I'd been planning on saying it all day, "you should all stop thinking at him." I said.
"Now, let me explain, before you comment. I know that Edward hears thoughts and that can't be controlled, but I also know that you all use his ability to speak to him. Of course, I can't 'think' at Edward, so I can only guess how it works, but I do know that you choose to think at him and that he can hear the difference between aimed thoughts and just general thoughts. I also know that it is possible to 'shout' at him with your thoughts, and I know that some of you do that." Edward grimaced a bit now, which was understandable. Rosalie and Jasper in particular were glaring at him, wondering what he'd been telling me. "What I want to suggest is that you stop thinking at Edward. If you want to tell him something, say it aloud. And never, ever yell at him in your thoughts. I don't think that anyone apart from Edward can tell if he's being yelled at by lots of thoughts at once, but I can only imagine how distressing that must be. Of course, none of you want Edward assailed with a roomful of angry thoughts, you can see how this would lead to him thinking that you all hated him. "But, let me try something. When we got back from Italy and I came over here to my very first Cullen Family Meeting, Edward told me that he didn't want me there. You all have perfect memories, so you must remember that." They all nodded. "Right, well, just as an illustration, raise your hand if you thought a message to Edward at that moment." Slowly everyone's hand went up (apart, of course from mine and Edward's). "Thanks, now, keep your hand up if you were using um . . . 'loud' thoughts." The hands all stayed up, "wow," I said, "no wonder you looked a bit miserable." Edward gave me a weary smile, I don't think that he was enjoying this part of the meeting at all. "Well, that's my point really, if you yell at Edward in your heads, then you can all end up yelling at him at the same time and he gets depressed. I also think, though again it's impossible for me to know, that you're all a little bit meaner in your heads than you are out loud. I think that it's tempting to censor your thoughts less than your speech. So I think that you probably think more harshly at Edward than you would speak to anyone else. That's the point of my suggestion. For just a few weeks, perhaps until he's not grounded anymore, and he can actually get away, I would like everyone to talk to Edward out loud and not in their heads. What do you think?"
I sat back nervously, wondering what the Cullens were going to say to me after my slightly cheeky suggestion. After all, nobody could know less about the issue than I did. I could neither read thoughts, nor send messages in my thoughts to Edward. I didn't even know if what I was asking made any sense. They might just laugh at me and say 'it doesn't work that way' or they might be angry that I would imagine they were ever sending unpleasant or critical thoughts in Edward's direction. For all I knew, all anyone ever thought were polite statements.
"I'm not sure," said Edward, "it can be convenient to think at me rather than speaking. I can hear thoughts over slightly larger distances."
"You all have cell phones," I said.
Edward sagged, "I don't know if I want to be yelled at out loud all the time," he said, "it doesn't sound better to me at all."
"Do people yell at you all the time?" I asked him.
He shrugged. "Nobody yells at me all the time, but I live with six people. I can get yelled at for a large portion of the day."
"It's a good point, Bella," Esme said, "I never really thought about it before. But, if I tell Edward off in my head, I don't know if Carlisle is doing the same thing. It isn't right that Edward should always be scolded in stereo, we would never shout at the other kids simultaneously. Do we do that, Edward?"
He nodded "I expect that it's because you think along similar lines," he said, "Alice and Jasper often think the same things and so do Rose and Emmett. If you've spent a full day together, you can get completely in sync. It's romantic."
"I think we should try Bella's idea," Carlisle said, "I'm interested to find out if I do speak differently to you in my head to the way that I speak to you aloud."
"I don't see the harm," said Emmett, "though I'm not sure that there is much difference between my thoughts and my words."
"It'll be harder not being able to show him pictures," Alice said, "but we're only talking about limiting deliberate thoughts, so I guess that he'll still share my visions. I'll just have to tell him exactly what to wear, rather than showing him."
"I don't mind," Rosalie said, "though he'll still be able to hear our thoughts anyway. So he'll hear all the things that we think about saying, but don't say."
"What don't you like about it, Edward?" Jasper asked, "you've been getting steadily more uncomfortable."
"It'll sound rather hypocritical," Edward replied, "but I'm a little worried about losing my privacy. I realise that I invade all of your private moments all the time, so I have no right to complain. But I know the sorts of things that you all tell me, and the thought of hearing them all out loud, and being publically insulted does make me uncomfortable, and Jasper wanted to know what I was feeling. Sorry."
His family laughed a bit.
"The whole point is that people will stop insulting you," I told him. "Alright," I said, "that's agreed. That's all I wanted to discuss."
"Then, unless anyone else had something that they wanted to bring up," Carlisle checked around the room quickly, but nobody indicated a desperate desire to prolong the meeting, "the meeting is closed. Thank you, everyone."
"We'll see you all later," Rosalie said, getting up and pulling Emmett up with you, "goodbye, Bella, we probably won't be back down till after you've left."
"Bye, Rosalie. Bye, Emmett."
"Bye, Bella, drive safe. Sorry you're still locked up, Ed," Rosalie elbowed him in the ribs, so Emmett groaned "what's wrong. That's what I was going to 'think' so I said it instead. We all agreed that we were going to do that!"
"Edward doesn't need you teasing him."
"I wasn't teasing, I was sympathising. That was honest sympathy."
Still arguing, they disappeared upstairs.