Disclaimer: this is not the 'Twilight' series. Honestly, why would I waste my time typing that? This is my own twisted version, and I like typing this, so it doesn't feel like I'm wasting my time. I'm having too much fun.

Edward was very much against me even discussing fighting. So Jasper, Emmett and Rose took me to the clearing, while Edward was stuck at home. Having him grounded was turning out to be surprisingly convenient. I didn't have to make up reasons for not spending time with him. He knew that I couldn't come to his house all the time.

It probably should have felt bad to keep a secret like this from Edward, but it didn't. There was no point in him getting upset over nothing. If I didn't need to fight, then he would never find out that I'd been practising. If I ever did need to fight, then he would be too pleased to see me surviving to worry about how I'd been able to do it. Either way, there was no point in arguing with Edward about it, when I could simply not tell him what I was doing.

I did worry a little bit about Edward finding out through his siblings.

"How are you going to stop Edward seeing all this in your minds?"

Rose shrugged, "by thinking about something else, Bella. Whatever he may think, Edward is not omniscient."

"He's with Alice, any how," Jasper said, "he won't even notice that the rest of us aren't there."

Rose and Emmett didn't seem concerned, but I could have sworn that there was a bitter note in Jasper's voice. I wondered what he was bitter about; was it the extent to which he had to share his wife, or the flimsiness of his relationship with his brother? Alice and Edward's bond had seemed intense enough to be a threat to me, but could it possibly threaten Jasper as well?

He must have sensed a spike of confusion from me, because Jasper gave a watery smile. I frowned. He ought to be better than that at concealing his emotions, wasn't that supposed to be a part of his gift?

Instead of explaining, or trying to convince me that he wasn't slightly hurt by Edward's relationship with Alice, Jasper changed the subject.

"Can I assume that you've never had any combat training at all, Bella?"

I nodded, feeling rather foolish to be standing with Jasper, who had been a serving soldier at my age, admitting that I had never had so much as a boxing lesson.

He didn't seem shocked, or at all concerned. I probably don't give off the vibes of a lean, mean vampire-fighting machine. He must know that fighting isn't on most high schools' curriculum. I was glad that Jasper didn't look as worried as I felt. Mind you, that might just be because he wasn't the one who might end up being killed by a hungry newborn vampire.

"There is an extent to which that might be an advantage. Fighting vampires is very different to fighting humans. At least this way we don't have any bad habits to erase. You are obviously not going to be able to beat a newborn vampire on strength, or speed, and you probably won't be able to outwit them. You might be able to use their disorientation to your advantage, so we're going to work on confusing the enemy."

It didn't sound very hopeful. Jasper was planning on teaching me how to confuse vampires. He didn't even try to pretend that I might be able to escape a vampire attack, he thought that I should focus on trying to distract them for a couple of seconds.

Jasper made me stand my ground while Emmett ran at me, pretending to attack. The huge weight of him barrelled down one me. I barely had time to scream, before he tapped me smartly on the shoulder and said, "Bella, you're dead!"

"Don't scream," Jasper said, "wait until he's nearly on you, then duck."

Emmett ran back in exactly the same manner. This time I didn't scream, I ducked. Emmett laughed loudly, jumped over me, turned around and then tapped me on the shoulder again. I sighed. I'd lived maybe two or three more seconds in this scenario.

"All you need is a couple of seconds," Jasper said calmly, "distract, him and give me time to step in. Try exactly the same attack, Em."

The third time it went better, I ducked and Jasper pounced on Emmett as he turned.

Jasper grinned and patted me lightly on the back, "good, job, Bella."

Next Rosalie attacked. I tried ducking again, but it was no use. She was on top of me. Rosalie played her part slightly more fully than Emmett and kissed me on the neck. I shivered, imagining how easy it would be for her to bite rather than kiss. If she didn't like me, I could be dead before I had a chance to see her coming.

"You have to be surprising, Bella, you can't just repeat the same move over and over. Rose is running the whole length of the clearing towards you. You saw her coming; that gives you time to move. Play dead."

Rosalie ran back again, I lay on the ground. She stopped, and looked at me. I don't know if she was playing a surprised newborn vampire, or if she was worried that I had fainted. Either way, there was enough time for Jasper to get to her. He wicked grinned wickedly at Rosalie and whispered something in her ear. She giggled.

Emmett and Rosalie amused themselves by leaping at me from behind trees and running across the clearing, while I tried not to scream. Jasper stood next to me. Each time Emmett or Rosalie grabbed me by the neck and pronounced me 'dead', he quietly suggested something else that I could try.

It was not exactly the fighting training that I'd expected Jasper to offer. I had been expected a boot-camp style thing. Instead I was learning to cartwheel and pull faces and tell jokes. Jasper said that there was absolutely no point in me trying to fight at all. In fact, when I asked him about it, he burst out laughing. I realised that was what he'd been doing in the car, when I asked him about fighting before. He hadn't been choking, he'd been laughing. He found the idea of me trying to fight off a vampire hilariously funny.

"Have you considered just changing me into a newborn vampire myself?" I asked, not enjoying the idea that I was utterly useless in a fight.

Jasper rolled his eyes, "I considered it for a fraction of a second. You would be more durable, it's true, but you would be unpredictable. We would lose at least two members of our force in guarding and controlling you. And, you still might get away from us and be hurt in the attack. Newborn vampires aren't indestructible, as you know. You would be more of a liability as a newborn."

I sighed. "Am I ever going to be anything other than a liability to you?"

Jasper smiled sympathetically. "I know how you feel" he said. It sounded so silly, for Major Whitlock to tell me that he knew how it felt to be useless, that I almost yelled at him. Then I remembered that he was probably just being accurate. Even if he'd never been in a remotely similar situation (and I couldn't imagine that Jasper had ever been the weakest link of any chain), he did know exactly how I felt.

"Look," he said, "when we found you with James, you were still alive. You were hurt, but you were alive. I know that he was the type to play with his food, and that probably helped. But, really, you must have done something to keep him interested. You just need to repeat that. We will all be there, you only need to distract a newborn for a couple of seconds. As long as there aren't too many others between us, you only need to distract them for one second and I will be there."

I shivered, "it doesn't sound like much of a plan, Jasper."

"I'm not really expecting them to reach you." He took a stick and began making marks on the ground. "You'll be here. This is me, Carlisle, Emmett, Edward, Alice, Esme and Rose." As he listed the names, he indicated their positions, carefully drawing a solid barrier around the mark that was me. "There's no way to get through us and reach you. I promise."

"And we're doing this 'training' because . . ."

"Because it'll make us all feel better if you have some sort of a plan. Then you can sit back and enjoy the show."

"Enjoy?"

He smirked at me, and I felt a great wave of joy lift me into the air. I laughed like a child at the circus. Mood-altering vampires can be so cocky. If Jasper was so inclined, he could probably make me laugh my way through the entire attack. He probably wouldn't, though, that would be rather distracting to the rest of the Cullens.

"Leave it to me, Bella."

So, I stuck with Jasper's plan and let him carry on teaching me how to distract blood-thirsty vampires.

We kept practising. I kept being stupid and confusing and strange. Once I made Emmett laugh so much by singing to him that he didn't even reach me. Jasper stepped neatly between us and said, "that's amazing, Bella, a full twenty-three seconds. Making him laugh is a matter of luck, though. You won't know these newborns."

I wasn't sure how I would feel about making the newborn vampires laugh. I'd been trying to think of them as less human than the Cullens. What would it be like if they were laughing?

These newborn vampires were humans like me not all that long ago. They were exactly like the Cullens used to be. Jasper especially was once a crazed killer like the newborns who were coming. How could I justify the whole-sale slaughtering of thinking, feeling, laughing vampires?

When we practised it was funny. I distracted Rose and Emmett so that Jasper could count to three and then tap them on the shoulder. In the real battle, Rose, Emmett, Jasper, even Esme, Alice, Carlisle and Edward were all planning on killing other vampires. They were going to destroy their own kind, just to stop them killing me. It was sick and wrong.

"Focus, Bella," Jasper chided, "staring into space and day-dreaming won't stop anyone wanting to eat you."

When Rosalie came for me the next time, I pointed at her and shouted "I can't believe you're wearing that!"

Rose looked genuinely taken aback. Which gave Jasper plenty of time to saunter over to her and whisper in her ear again.

Rose giggled, "that is positively scandalous, Major," she said.

Even I heard Emmett's growl from the other end of the clearing.

Jasper smirked.

Inspired by his obvious irritation with his brother, Emmett's next attack was phenomenally fast. I gasped and he was on me. Instead of reminding me that I'd lost though, he said "Jasper is so dead."

"Er, Emmett, the game is to kill me."

"Not right this moment it isn't." Emmett replied in a low, threatening voice, then turned around to face Jasper. That was when I realised that Emmett had only been playing at trying to attack me. He was much more terrifying now, squaring up to his brother, than he had been during any of his rushes at me. Emmett drew himself up to his full height, towering over Jasper.

The shorter man appeared unphased. He was smirking, even though he was completely covered by the very large shadow of a very angry-looking Emmett."It was nothing," he said, putting up his hands in a mocking surrender, "calm down, Em."

"I can kick your ass, perfectly calmly," Emmett replied, ignoring the relaxing feelings that Jasper was giving him and running at him anyway.

Jasper let Emmett run right up to him, then somehow grabbed his arm and tossed him onto the floor. The ground shook and the air was momentarily filled with the thud of Emmett hitting the floor. Emmett got up and took another swing at his brother. They began to fight properly, moving too fast for me to make out all the moves. When one brother managed to make contact with the other, there was a loud crash. The continuing fight sounded like an avalanche.

Rose materialised next to me, "it's been a long day," she explained. "They just need to get it out of their systems. I think that your training is over for the day."

I nodded. It didn't seem as though Jasper was going to come back and return to giving me tips. "How do you think I'll do?"

"Your taste in clothes hasn't improved." I didn't laugh. I wanted to hear what she really thought. I wasn't in the mood for cheap jokes. She sighed, "I don't know what's going to happen. I know that we'll all be together, and I think that's a good thing."

I wonder if Rose is right. If one of us is killed, will it be any consolation to know that we were all standing there when it happened? Probably not.

On the other hand, if I am going to die, I would rather die surrounded by my family. If the rest of the Cullens all feel the same, then it's worth us standing together. I was glad that Rose, at least, was as worried as me. Edward, Alice, Jasper and Emmett were all so confident that it made me nervous. What if their over-confidence jinxed us? Surely they knew that pride merely sets people up to fall.