To the Power Born: A Tale of the Slayers
Part 29: Issues (and Other Issues)
"I… want to talk," Piper said, blushing darkly. "It's… I feel awkward, is all, awkward and stupid and—"
"You think I don't?" I asked softly. "Piper, everyone around me says that I'm imagining things, that I was Chosen as much as anyone else who has the power, more than most— and I can't make myself see it that way. I feel like an absolute basket case sometimes.
"I'm not. Neither are you. We're people with problems— which means we're pretty much people."
Piper was quiet for a long moment, and I took advantage of that to ask Ripley to relay to Tracer a message for Mom.
Tell Mom not to have anyone call us for supper, I told Ripley mentally. We'll eat when we come in— Piper needs to talk, and it may take a while.
A moment later, Ripley sent back, *Your mom says okay, and to take as long as is needed.*
"It's… honestly, Jocelyn, I'm… kind of ashamed about how much this is bothering me," Piper said, her voice only barely above a whisper. "I shouldn't be… it shouldn't bug me. I shouldn't be upset over this. I mean— not like I am. It shouldn't make me shaky and scared and leave me feeling like I'd like to run away just because— because I find some guys sexually attractive and don't know how to express that attraction without making a total can of Cheez Whiz out of myself."
She wasn't looking at me, but still she blushed deeply when she said this, and she'd sort of pulled in on herself, wrapped her arms around her own knees and put her chin on them.
"Maybe it shouldn't," I said slowly, "but then, maybe you're asking way, way too much of yourself, Piper."
She turned her head my way and said, "Huh?"
"Look," I said slowly, trying to figure out the best way to ask her what needed to be asked without upsetting or insulting her. "The big thing that you need to ask yourself is why it bothers you, Piper. Is it… well, are you losing the ability to speak coherently because they're guys and that makes you feel gay and ashamed of that?"
Piper did me the courtesy of thinking before she answered, then said, "No, it's not— no. My aunt and uncle, they raised me better than that. And when some guys were… ragging me once, calling me gay— I was thirteen or so… it bugged me, then, way more than it should have, you know? Aunt May and Uncle been did like your Aunt Dawn, pretty much backed me into a corner until I told them why I was so upset. After I told them what had happened, they asked me if I was gay, if that was why it bothered me, and they made sure that I knew that if I was gay or bi, or— well, whatever, asexual, hypersexual, gay, bi, straight, anything— they made sure that I knew I didn't have to be ashamed of it, that I shouldn't be ashamed of it, and I'm not, that's not the problem.
"It's just… Jocelyn, I was never any good at talking to girls when I was interested in them, but I learned to, sort of. I mean— MJ practically dragged me into the world of dating and romance and then I found out that I could talk to girls and not… you know, not make a total herb of myself. Not all the time anyway, I mean— I managed to talk to a couple of different girls and be… well, not a complete idiot.
"Then… well, I don't have any memories past that, not of being Peter. I know that Peter dated Kitty Pryde, but I don't remember that, not at all. If I— he— dated or even flirted with anyone else, I don't know it.
"And now… Jocelyn, I have to… I have to get used to the idea that I'm bisexual after being pretty sure I was straight my whole life (bisexual now because oh my GOD, it's not just the guys, it's killing me to be around this many gorgeous girls!) and I have to learn to talk to both sexes or genders or whatever the right word is, all over again! The things I want to say to start a conversation or to flirt a little— I don't know if they'd sound weird to a girl coming from another girl!
"And to talk to a guy who— no, no, not gonna half-measure it, dammit! Diane said if I talk about it to be honest, so I will, and I just have to hope I don't piss you off.
"Talking to Ballard is kind of hard, because oh, wow, something about him flips all my switches to 'on.' Only reason I can talk to him is because he's married— seriously, mondo, mega-married, even, I think that helps. Your dad's a hunk, though you probably don't want to hear that, but he's also more married than average.
"But Jocelyn, talking to Colin… he flips all those switches that I was talking about to 'overload,' not just 'on.' I can barely manage to talk to him because he makes me half crazy with wanting to see if the things that— that MJ did for me when I was Peter (we never went past some heavy petting, but holy crap that was so much better when she did it for me than it ever was when I… you know, masturbated), that felt so good I could barely keep from passing out, I want to see if they make Colin feel that good, and at the same time I want to see if the things I did for MJ make you feel that good, or Berachah, or— or most of the girls and women who freaking live here, but mostly you!
"I want sex so bad I can taste it, it's— Jocelyn, it's worse than when I was a guy, and sometimes I used to go out and fight supervillains (or at least swing around and look for a supervillain to fight) because I couldn't get my mind off of MJ, or Gwen, or Liz Allan, the Wasp, the Black Cat, even that complete psycho Elektra, for the love of sanity!
"And now? Now I can barely think about anything else, and I don't want to do something wrong and upset someone or freak them out or— or freak me out because I freaked them out and I can't— I don't know what to do!
"And despite all this, despite knowing that there's nothing wrong with being gay or bi or what-the-hell-ever I am, it still feels weird as hell to be attracted to guys. Not bad, not shameful, just… 'holy crap, where's that coming from?' You know? It… takes me completely by surprise still, and that makes me feel even more awkward and geeky, makes me stop and examine the awkward and geeky because I don't want to be the sort of asshole who has problems with their own feelings, who thinks there's anything shameful about being attracted to anybody, caring about anybody. I don't want to be like that, I'm pretty sure I'm not like that, but I still keep stopping to check, and that makes everything more awkward and me more insane!"
I very, very carefully didn't touch Piper right then, much as part of me wanted to just grab her and kiss her and let loose my libido and hers— but that was a bad idea on a lot of levels (it could mess her up, it could mess me up by messing her up, and most of all, it could mess me and Colin and what we had up) and I knew that, so I didn't do it.
But oh, damn, I wanted to! Piper… gorgeous in so many ways, and I felt bad because she was hurting, and I cared a lot about her, even loved her… but this was not the time or the way, and I was aware of that, despite my age. (I'm going to guess it was a mix of good parenting and having my own issues at the time, even though my issues weren't at all sexual in nature.)
"Okay, first things first," I said slowly, trying to do things in the right order. "I'm not mad— not even irked— that Colin makes you crazy. I'm more impressed with your taste than anything else, Piper. And that I make you crazy…? Flattered, because you are the sexiest woman around here."
Piper had put her chin back on her knees after she finished talking— and now she lifted it and looked around at me so fast it was almost funny.
"Yeah," I said, nodding. "I'm bi, Piper. My first three lovers were all girls. Still want the girls, me, and if you don't know you're sexy, I need to make sure that Diane knows you don't know so she can help you with that particular kind of being completely insane.
"You haven't said anything that makes me think any less of you, feel any differently about you. You're still my friend, still someone I want to help, still… well, still sexy, too.
"I don't know what you're feeling, Piper, I don't think I really can, any more than you can know exactly what I'm feeling. But I can tell you that I don't think that there's anything wrong with what you're feeling. I doubt that I'd be in anything like the relatively good shape that you're in if what happened to you happened to me.
"So… stop beating yourself up for being confused and scared, okay? I know from experience that beating yourself up for something makes it harder to get past the something. I had to learn it, but Diane helped."
"You were beating yourself up over not feeling like you were Chosen?" Piper asked, staring at me. I nodded, and she unwrapped her arms from around her knees so she could throw them up in the air as she said, "Are you nuts!? That's just insane, because you don't have anything to be beating yourself up over! You can't help what you're feeling, can't help it any more than you can avoid thinking about a green hippo if someone tells you not to think of a green hippo, and… and… oh."
"Yeah," I agreed, and reached over to take her hand. " 'Oh.'
"Gotcha, Piper."
"You… yeah." She actually laughed. "Man, that's… Aunt May would laugh for ten minutes at how easily you walked me into that one."
We sat there for a moment, holding hands, smiling, and just… being friends. Ripley plainly approved, as she kept flitting back and forth from my shoulder to Piper's, rubbing her head against our cheeks and burbling, then going to the other one of us and repeating the process. Richter expressed his own approval by laying across both our laps.
Finally, Piper sighed. "I'm hungry. Did we miss the supper call, or was that a courtesy not-call?
"Courtesy not-call," I agreed. I moved Richter off of our laps, stood and pulled her to her feet with me. "I'm hungry too, let's go see if they saved us anything."
We walked slowly towards the house, and about halfway there, Piper said in this carefully-casual voice, "So… you're bisexual. Any chance that you and Colin are looking for something like what your Mom, Dad and Gwen have?"
"Yes," I said, deliberately not looking at her. "Not hurrying, not so much 'looking for' as 'hoping for,' but… well, that's very much what I want, and Colin… he's not at all opposed to the idea, between being a male and seeing Uncle Ballard and Company and my folks and Gwen. Being male, the idea turns him on, and being around my family shows him that it can work."
"Oh." Piper spoke very softly, kept hold of my hand, and said, very, very slowly, "So if I can get some of my head-stuff straightened out, I could… maybe go out on a date or… I don't know, just for a walk or out to a movie with you two or something?"
"I think Colin would love that idea," I said. I squeezed her hand gently as I told her, "I know I would.
"But no hurrying, okay?"
"No hurrying," Piper agreed. Then she sighed deeply and said, "Thanks, Jocelyn. You're right— talking about it did make me feel better."
"You're welcome," I said easily as we went into Scooby Mansion through the kitchen. I took Richter off the leash (he had free run here, as well as at home), and we went into the dining room. Dinner hadn't progressed very far, we were only maybe ten minutes late. No one said anything, they just passed us the food, which was nice of… well, all of them.
When Colin and I went to bed that night, I said nothing about what Piper had said, because saying anything about it would probably let Colin work out the whole problem she was having. So I didn't even ask if he was still interested in looking for another girl to be a part of our relationship— even though that was pretty heavily on my mind.
The week went pretty quietly— until Sunday morning, when we all got pretty merry— and some of us had a hard time stopping laughing.
Shimmer's babies had started flying the day before, and they were starting to wander off by themselves, hang out with that year's crop of new Slayers some— most of them bonded with one of those girls. But, true to her hopes (and mine and most everyone in my family's, I think), the little slate-gray boy that had been fond of Piper since their first meeting made his decision after breakfast.
The little guy had been sitting in front of Piper's plate, and when she got up to rinse it after she finished breakfast, he flapped up and landed on her shoulder. When she came back and sat down again, he immediately head-bumped her cheek. Piper turned her head, met his eyes for a moment— then busted out laughing, held her hand up for the little guy to move onto, and held him in front of her face while she laugh-gasped, "Oh, yes— yes, that would be wonderful, thanks!" Then she kissed the baby dragon's nose, flopped back in her chair— and howled with laughter as she cradled the dragon and he settled against her stomach and looked pleased with himself.
"What?" I asked after a moment. "Come on, Piper, share!"
She tried, but the laughter was still too strong. It took several more people asking (and Buffy threatening to tickle her if she didn't stop laughing, which, counter-intuitive, but it worked) before Piper finally managed to explain.
"This little guy, here," she said, pointing at her new dragon friend with the hand that wasn't supporting him, "tells me that he— he wants to be my sidekick, and— and that his name is Hulk!"
Everyone there new enough about comics to understand why Piper was laughing so hard— even Giles— and we all laughed with her for a few minutes. Aunt Rose and Xander were literally crying from laughing so hard before they were through, and Uncle Ballard was lying on the floor, rocking from side to side and laughing.
Having a pseudo dragon friend helped Piper a lot— I didn't need Diane's little smiles when she looked at the two of them sometimes to know that. Losing Royal had really messed me up more than I already had been, and finally getting past my own stupid about that and letting Ripley into my head and heart? It had helped more than I know how to say, helped with losing Royal, with my doubts about being Chosen, with my shame over those doubts, all of it.
So the next Tuesday afternoon when Piper came out of her session with Diane, wandered over to the training session that was going on, stood next to me and watched as Colin sparred with Berachah (and lost), she didn't much try to hide that she liked looking at him shirtless.
When they finished, Colin came over and I started to hand him his shirt, Piper said, "Are you nuts? Keep the shirt, Jocelyn, keep it!"
Colin blinked in momentary surprise, then looked Piper in the eyes and raised one eyebrow.
Piper blushed scarlet— but she met his eyes and said, "Hey, I like the view— I'm only human, you know!"
"In that case, thank you, ma'am," Colin drawled in a relaxed tone. He then snatched the shirt out of my hand— but just draped it over one shoulder.
"Hmm." Piper sighed, then said, "Now, how do we get Jocelyn to go topless…?"
She blushed purple when we both looked at her in surprise— but she didn't flee, just turned to watch Berachah spar Aunt Elaine with more focus than usual.
At bedtime, Colin and I didn't make love, but just lay in his bed snuggling, our pseudo dragons on his stomach and my hip respectively. After a few minutes, he said in a too-casual voice, "So, Piper seems to be, uh… adjusting to her situation."
"Seems like," I agreed. "Points to Diane— and to Piper's 'sidekick,' of course."
Colin chuckled— a very nice thing to feel when your head's resting on someone's chest— and said, "Yeah. 'Hulk smash psychological blocks!' Or something."
"Still makes me giggle, him being her sidekick, and deciding his name was Hulk," I said. "But yeah, plainly, he's helping her. Which shouldn't surprise either of us."
"No, it shouldn't." He ran a finger over Nightfall's head, and she looked up and grinned at him. "Still… I find myself wondering… uh. I mean, she's… look, I don't know if it's rude to ask or not, so if it is, please—"
"Yes," I chuckled. I looked up to see him looking at me kind of hopefully. "Yes, Colin. Still hoping to find a girl we can be a threesome with, someday. Also yes, I wouldn't mind at all if it was with Piper. She's gorgeous, she's gutsy, and she… well, she's tried to help me with my own head-monkeys."
"So, uh… flirting back…?"
"Should be okay, but… well, I think we should both try to keep it, you know, low-key?" I thought for a moment, then said, "Well, lower key than anything she does, at least at first? Maybe… she and I talked some, Colin, first about my Chosen problems, then about the things going on with her. It was… she never said it was confidential, but I feel like it was, like she deserves that courtesy from me, you know?"
"I agree, and I approve," Colin said, nodding. "However, I sense a small 'however' coming…."
I chuckled at his wordplay, nodded against his chest, and said, "I know that she's attracted to both of us, Colin— but I also know that… well, even if she feels differently, I think it'd be a really bad idea to go forward any sort of fast, Colin— and she may feel differently."
"Okay," Colin agreed. "Slow works. I mean, sure, I've seen this before, but never thought about it in terms of my own life until I met you." I looked up at Colin questioningly, and he said, "Oh, right. I never got around to mentioning it to you, and you didn't read the comics. Armsman and his wife have a wife— not legally, but the three of them consider themselves married. They'd been together four years when I met them, and show no signs of ever breaking up."
"Good," I said, and put my head back on Colin's chest. "Because I do want to… well, try things with Piper, if she stays interested, which I think she will.
"But no rushing things. No hurrying.
"Dammit."
Colin chuckled again, then turned out the lights, and we and our dragon friends fell asleep pretty quickly.
Things progressed a little that week. Piper flirted with Colin and I both— usually when he and I were together, but a little with each of us individually— and we flirted back, careful to keep it light. Wednesday night, Xander got the latest superhero movie in the mail, and we all sat in the living room of Scooby Mansion to watch the Justice Society of America: Lightning Strikes together.
I sat down with Colin on a couch— and Piper sat down on my other side, close enough to make it plain that she was… interested. After a few minutes, I put the arm not around Colin's waist around hers, and she sighed happily and moved closer, leaned against me a bit.
The family noticed, of course— Mom and Dad both shot the three of us some approving looks, my various aunts all looked pleased, and my sister Belinda gave me a big, sunny smile that said she liked the idea of Piper being a part of what Colin and I had. Xander kept glancing our way and grinning— and so did Buffy.
Diane looked at us, smiled a little— and looked kind of satisfied. I took that to mean that she felt Piper was ready for the amount of affection she was showing, and relaxed.
After a bit, Xander paused the movie for everyone to hit the bathrooms and refill snacks and drinks, and I got back to the couch after Piper and Colin. Instead of sitting between them, as Piper had deliberately left me space to do, I nudged her and said, "Your turn for the middle, scoot over."
Piper looked surprised, and she blushed just a little— but she moved over, and when Colin draped an arm across her shoulders, she made a little sighing sound that was… well, it actually sounded like a sigh of relief. Then I sat on her other side, put an arm around her waist and leaned into her just a little, and we three stayed that way until the movie ended.
Wasn't until the movie ended that I noticed something else kind of cool— Mi Kyong was sitting in a big overstuffed armchair— which she was sharing with Riley Giles, Kelly and Giles's son who was… really close to her age, maybe just a month or so older. They had their arms around each other, and both looked absurdly content. Good on them!
Colin and I both got some… extended hugs from Piper at bedtime that night, and we both noticed (I asked him, after) that she was, shall we say, exhibiting signs of physical excitement when she hugged us. (And if I'm going to be honest, my nipples were just as hard as hers.)
That following Friday and Saturday was Twin City Summerfest, the last big celebration of the summer here in the Twin Cities. (And, truth be known, deliberately held the week before Illinois State University in Normal and Illinois Wesleyan University in Bloomington, the two four-year colleges in the Twin Cities, came back into session.) Friday would be a concert with local rock groups in Miller Park in Bloomington, while Fairview Park in Normal had a concert with local country and western groups, then on Saturday they swapped genres and didn't insist on local talent. Colin and I were planning on going to both sets of rock groups in the two towns. Thursday afternoon, he made a suggestion that I liked. A lot.
"Hey, Jocelyn," Colin said as strolled to my house for some snuggling before dinner, "if you don't think it's too soon… why don't we see if Piper wants to come to Summerfest with us? It'd be… well, big public concert, pretty well lit, I imagine, so maybe a little less pressure than something more intimate, like a dark movie theater?"
"Ooo, I think I like that." I bounced up and kissed him on the cheek. "You go on ahead, I'm going to ask Diane her opinion— she's the expert."
I caught Diane at the back door of Scooby Mansion, and said, "Diane, do you think Piper's… adjusted enough, I guess, that Colin and I could ask her to go to Summerfest with us the next couple of nights?"
Diane looked thoughtful, then said, "Conditional 'yes,' Jocelyn. Piper's accepting what's happened to her and what it means to her so much faster since she got her 'sidekick' that if I didn't have experience with the phenomenon myself—" She paused to scratch her pseudo dragon's chin. "—I'd be worried that it was false progress. As it is… I think it would be good for her.
"However, I'm going to ask you to… try to control the speed at which the relationship, if you develop one, occurs, Jocelyn. Piper… uh, apparently, the female form is much, much more sensitive than the male form, sexually. She's… maybe a little too eager to experience the differences firsthand to be able to be reliably self-controlled. Think you can handle that?"
"I think we can," I said, meeting her eyes. "We talked, last week, and I… I don't understand what she's going through, I think that this is maybe a unique problem and that I probably can't understand, but I do get that it's got to be confusing— and that maybe she needs people who care about her to help her get through it, even if that means telling her no about some stuff."
Diane looked at me closely for a long moment, long enough that I started blushing a little before she said, "Why the hell can't you be this aware when it comes to your own problems, young lady?"
"Because they're my problems." I stuck my tongue out at her briefly, and she laughed. "Besides, if everyone was good at dealing with their own problems? You'd be out of a job.
"Thanks, Diane."
"Thanks for asking. Go on, have a good time— but not too good!"
So I caught up with Colin as he climbed into the shower in his room, joined him, and said, "We have Diane's approval— but she did ask me to be kind of careful about the speed that we let things go places, if they start to go places." Colin made an interrogative noise (I was scrubbing his back by then) and I explained. "She's… uh, apparently, the male body isn't as sensitive sexually as the female body is, and Piper's… really aware of that. And aware from her days as a guy that someone else doing things to you feels better than doing them to yourself…."
"Oh." Colin seemed to think for a moment, then added, "Wow. Seriously, Piper says women are more sensitive than men?"
"Yes," I said. I turned around as Colin turned to rinse, so that he could scrub my back. "And since she's probably the only person were ever going to meet who's gone through a change this thorough? I think we're going to have to take her word on that."
"Uh, yeah." Colin sounded a little distracted, though he worked a scrubbie over my back with his usual dexterity. "Okay, so… shall we ask her after dinner?"
"If we can catch her alone, sure," I said. "After all, Colin, she might be even more susceptible to blushing than usual if we ask her around other people. Wouldn't want her to have a stroke from blushing or anything…."
Colin chuckled and agreed with me. Fortunately, we got an easy shot at it— after supper (eaten at our house that night), Piper went out on the back porch to sit with Hulk and Abe, and took a book with her. No one else seemed inclined to go out— it was still hot out, but Piper said that it never felt as hot to her here as it had in New York City— so after a few minutes, Colin and I went outside, found Piper reading to Hulk (pseudo dragons generally love being read to) and waited until she finished her chapter before Colin spoke.
"Hey, Hulk, mind if we interrupt for a couple of minutes?" Colin asked, and Hulk, who'd been perched on Piper's shoulder, grinned pseudo dragon style and shook his head. "Thanks, we'll keep it short— we're both readers, too.
"Piper… Jocelyn and I are going to Summerfest the next couple of night— both rock concerts, the one in Bloomington tomorrow night, the one in Normal on Saturday night. We were hoping you'd like to go with us, maybe? Both nights?"
Piper blushed, but not super-dark, and opened her mouth— then blushed more as no words came out. Hulk rolled his eyes and nudged her jaw with his head, and she managed to speak.
"I'd like that," Piper said, her blush actually dimming a little. She took a long, slow breath, then said, "Actually, I'd love it. I mean… look, so there's not any, you know, confusion, are we… is this… like a date?"
"Just like one." I grinned a little at the look of sheer relief on Piper's face and added, "Casual clothes, though. I'm doing jeans-and-a-blouse, and I'm betting Colin goes for jeans and a polo."
"I might go whole hog, button-down sports shirt." Colin rolled his eyes. "But probably just the polo, yeah."
"Uh, okay." Piper took a super-slow breath, her blush faded even more, and she managed, "Thank you. Both. Lots.
"Um, dragons? Can Hulk tag along?"
"Absolutely," I said. "Miller Park is completely dragon-friendly, even in the pavilion, the zoo— everywhere. And Fairview in Normal doesn't have any buildings but bathrooms, so no problems there."
"The noise?" Piper asked.
"Pseudo dragons have no problem with loud music," I assured her. Then I thought for a second and corrected myself. "Oops, not quite right— they don't have a problem with loud music if their human companions don't. Bookmark can't stand concert-level-loud, but then, neither can Giles, so no surprise. Same for Mouse and Vincent."
Piper chuckled and nodded. "Funny, being as how Giles was Mr. Sixties-and-Seventies-Rock-Guy. You'd think he'd have a higher tolerance for loud music."
"You would, wouldn't you?" Colin mused. "Well— anyway, we're going to leave right after supper both nights. Whitey's driving us to Miller Park tomorrow night, picking us up after. Vincent's going to drive Saturday. Vi's going with us Saturday night— Vincent can't handle live music, with his exceptional hearing, but Vi knows some people in one of the bands Saturday, so is going to go."
"You've got to get a driver's license, dear man," I said with an exaggerated sigh.
"Well, you know, first I need to have legit ID at all," Colin pointed out. "Hasn't been a lot of need for that, what with all the girls being here with parental permission, or without parents at all, this year."
(Before the big revelation of the truth of the supernatural in 2003, some of the girls who'd gone to school here, some of the first class [including my Mom] had had to have fake ID and faked guardianship papers for one of the adults. Even in the last couple of years, we'd had to use fake ID and papers— one girl who had gotten here on her own from Mexico had been being abused by her father and older brother. We simply got fake ID and papers for her— and sent a covert team of Slayers down to get video of the two human slugs trying very hard to force their attentions on a couple of their neighbor girls. After they had the video, the team beat the flying shit out of the two men— then called the cops and left the video for them to find. Those two are in prison in Mexico for life, and somehow, no one ever put out feelers to try to find the super-powered, super-trained girls and young women who beat them down. Team Slayer may not always play legal, but we play for the good guys!)
"Details," I said, waving a hand airily. Then I smiled at Piper. "Okay, we'll let you go back to reading before Hulk decides to get irritated. No one likes an irritated Hulk!"
Piper's laughter followed us as we headed inside, and she resumed reading to her dragon pal before we cleared the back door.