Chapter Eighteen

As soon as the words were out, Syaoran wished he could call them back. It was too much to ask, even of someone he knew intimately. Certainly too much to ask for now. He backpedaled. "But only if you want to, and only if . . . only if you're really okay with it. Only if you mean it . . ." He bit his lip, staring off to the side, at a crack in the opposite wall. He can't mean it. He can't. He would've never offered if he'd realized this is what I would ask for.

The lightest pressure on his cheek made him look up. His breath caught as Kurogane wound his fingers through his hair, pulling him away from the wall. In the intensity of the moment, Syaoran hadn't even realized he'd retreated against the cold sheetrock.

"Is this okay?" Kurogane asked, pulling him close. The movement brought his face so close to the ninja's, he could feel the caress of Kurogane's breath against his cheeks.

Anguish twisted through him, mingling with the shame, the fear. How can I be this selfish? "You don't have to do this," he whispered, so quietly it was a miracle Kurogane even heard him.

"But you want me to."

"Yes." The word hissed through his teeth, startling him with its vehemence.

"Then I'll do it." Kurogane pulled back just far enough to meet his eyes, and the heat in his gaze seared through him. "It doesn't have to change anything. Whatever happens after this is up to you."

Syaoran shivered. He could feel the warmth rolling of Kurogane's skin, the electricity humming between their bodies. Doesn't have to change? How can he know? How can he promise that?

Kurogane's hand moved down his back, fingers following the ridge of his spine. The touch sent sparks of sensation along the rest of his body. It took him a few seconds to remember how to breathe. He says things can stay the same, even if we do this. He's never lied to me before, so it doesn't make sense for him to start now. Even so . . .

"What about the others?"

"They won't be back for a while."

Syaoran swallowed thickly, watching the ninja's face for any sign of disapproval. Surely, Kurogane was just humoring him. Playing along with his selfishness out of some sense of duty. But if he was, Syaoran couldn't tell from his face. The look there was warm, almost tender.

It could've been pity, but even that was better than the disgust he'd expected. Syaoran took a deep breath. "I want this."

Kurogane's hand moved across his ribs, easing him backward until his shoulders touched the wall. Kurogane's palms drifted to his shoulders, gently pinning him where he stood. Syaoran tilted his head back, unsure what to do. Cautiously, he lifted his hands to Kurogane's torso, withdrawing slightly as he felt the man tense. Their eyes met for a fraction of a second. He's really going to do it, he thought, lungs seizing up. Logic warred with desperation, twisting inside him until the only thing that remained was chaos.

Then, as gentle as the caress of a summer breeze, Kurogane kissed him.

Perhaps it was the fact that he'd been conditioned to think of kissing as something intimate, something sacred, or perhaps it was the natural rush of hormones that came with this too-young body. Either way, as soon as he felt the ninja's lips against his, the rational part of his mind faded to nonexistence and he leaned into the kiss. Pleasure surged from the crown of his head to his toes, twisting in on itself until it ignited a circuit of elation inside his body. It felt as if all the lightning of a summer storm had been trapped in his flesh, but rather than causing him pain, it burned away the despair that had been festering inside him for months.

Nothing else mattered except the sensation. Not the Sakura traveling with him, or the real Sakura, wherever she was. Not Fai, who would be shocked to see this. Not Mokona. Not the next chess match. Not his clone, wherever he was. Nothing mattered anymore, except this.

Kurogane was exceedingly gentle, his touch like an ember instead of an inferno. Warm, and still capable of destroying him at the slightest provocation, but gentle.

Kurogane's hands trailed down his arms, raising bumps on his skin. Syaoran shivered, edging closer, fingers curling around the fabric of the ninja's shirt. His lips parted, breaking the kiss.

When it was over, Kurogane looked at him. The determination in his eyes had softened, but the resolve remained. Kurogane brushed a stray strand of hair away from Syaoran's forehead, his fingertips lingering on the side of Syaoran's face.

Syaoran looked back, unsure how to respond. Did he offer thanks? Were they just supposed to look at each other? Was he supposed to say something else?

Kurogane arched an eyebrow. "So?"

"So . . ." His voice quavered.

"Do you feel better? Worse?"

"I . . ." He hesitated. "It was . . . It was how I imagine it would feel to get hit by lightning, except it didn't hurt. I think that's good . . . right?"

"Sure, kid."

The nickname snapped him back to his normal mindset, and suddenly, the kiss felt like a dream, instead of undeniable reality. His heart hammered against his ribs, as if it was trying to tear its way free of him. That really happened, he thought, lifting his fingertips to his lips. We really kissed.

"Hungry?"

Syaoran's head snapped up. "Huh?"

Kurogane stood by the refrigerator, holding the door open. "I'm going to eat. You want anything?"

Syaoran blinked rapidly, trying to come back from his momentary high. The sheer normalcy of the question made it sound strange somehow. It took him a few moments to process the words, and even then, he couldn't think of an answer.

Kurogane pulled a gallon of milk out of the refrigerator, smelled it, then set it on the counter, evidently accepting it as drinkable. A moment later, he opened the freezer and pulled out something this world referred to as "pizza."

"Kid? You going to eat or not?"

Did I just imagine that whole thing? Syaoran wondered, heart sinking. But . . . No, that was too real to be an illusion. Unless I'm insane. I could be hallucinating.

Kurogane sighed. "If you're wondering: yes, that did just happen, and no, it doesn't change anything unless you want it to."

Syaoran blinked, watching the ninja for any sign that this was a joke. Kurogane merely went about his lunch preparations, seeming completely unaffected. "Is it . . . Is it really that simple? We don't . . . You won't . . ."

The ninja sliced the plastic off the frozen pizza with the tip of Souhi's blade. "I won't ask for anything in return. That's not how this works, got it? I'm here whenever you need me, no matter what, but I won't ask you to pay a price for this. I'm not the witch."

But there's always a price. "I . . . I don't mind if you do . . . or if you want me to . . . to do anything. For you." Heat gathered along the back of his neck.

"This is up to you. You ask and you offer, of your own accord. That's the deal."

Syaoran gulped. "That's . . . That's a lot of faith you're putting in me."

For the first time, Kurogane looked up at him. His eyes were tranquil. He shrugged, as if it didn't matter to him how much power he was handing over. As if he trusts me, Syaoran thought. A surge of warmth accompanied the thought, flooding his whole body.

Another thought occurred to him just then, bursting through his lips without his permission. "What about Sakura? What should I—" He broke off, biting down on his lower lip hard enough to draw blood.

Kurogane looked at him thoughtfully, and Syaoran sensed that this had crossed his mind at some point. "This is between the two of us. It's a different kind of relationship than you're used to thinking about. It's not supposed to be exclusive unless you want it to be."

"Do they have relationships like this in your world?"

At this, Kurogane frowned. "Not exactly like this."

"But it's . . . it's okay?"

"Yes." He put the pizza in the oven and turned the dial to preheat it. After a few moments, Kurogane spoke again. "You never did say if you were planning on having lunch."

"I . . . Yes. I think that's a good idea. I'll set the table." He hurried to the cupboard to pick out the appropriate dishes. He set two plates on the circular dining table, then headed to the drawer to look for a pizza cutter.

It wasn't until he finished setting the table that he realized he hadn't thought of Sakura during the kiss. Not once.