"He won't get here any faster for your pacing," Jasper said, lounging on the sofa and watching me as I strode up and down the little sitting room.

"Why isn't he here yet? Something must have happened to him."

"Or he takes more than five minutes to run from Forks to Alaska," Jasper said, "shocking, I know, but, there you are. Perhaps you should tell him how disappointingly slow he is, when he does get here."

Emmett chuckled, "do that, Bella," he said, "I want to see his face."

I scowled at them both. They didn't understand me. Nonetheless, I tried sitting down, to see if it felt any better.

Jasper raised one quizzical eyebrow, "at least he is coming," he said, "everyone else has to stay put, and cover for him."

I scowled again. Of course Emmett must be missing Rose and Jasper must be missing Alice, but I didn't want to sympathise with them right now.

"Sorry," I mumbled, "I know this whole mess is because of me."

Emmett glared at his brother, "don't be a jerk, Jasper."

"I wasn't trying to be, all I meant was, Edward's on his way, can't you try to enjoy the anticipation a bit, look forward to seeing him, rather than cursing him for running so slow. He can't help being slow."

Emmett and Jasper exchanged smirks.

Of course, Edward was faster than his brothers, and he enjoyed letting them know that, no wonder they were enjoying all this talk of how slowly he was moving.

I smelt him before I saw or heard him, I jumped back up.

Jasper looked serious for a moment, "stay here, Bella," he said, "you can't risk running out to meet him. If you caught another scent . . ."

I hissed. Who was he to keep me from my mate? I could tear him in two and run right through him.

Jasper stayed where he was, as if he didn't see me as a threat.

"He's on his way," Jasper said softly.

"Very slowly," Emmett added.

The joke brought me back to myself, I shook my arms a little and sighed, "when will I stop reading threats into everything? I hate being so crazy."

Jasper laughed, "you're not crazy, Bella. You're a vampire. You're designed to hunt and to destroy all rivals. It takes time to manage those instincts. Trust me, darlin', you're doing fine."

Soon enough the sound of feet joined the scent of Edward, moving towards us. Not long after that, I saw him through the window. Then he was in the cottage.

"Bella!" He ran straight to me, wrapped his arms around me and held on as tightly as he could. I held on in return.

"I could hardly bear being so far apart," he said.

"Should have run faster, then," said Emmett with a big grin, "shouldn't he, Bella?"

Edward looked confused, then,presumably having read the context on Emmett's mind, slightly sad. "You were waiting for me. I came as fast as I could," he told me.

It was strange. He didn't look out of breath, or red in the face. But, I suppose vampires don't show exertion like that. Was there anyway to tell how hard he had tried?

"Eyes," Jasper said, picking up a book and settling into his favourite armchair again.

I didn't understand what he was talking about. I glanced over, but Jasper was concentrating on his book.

"You were feeling confused, and Jasper guessed you were wondering how you could tell if I had run as fast as I can," Edward explained, since Jasper himself didn't seem interested in explaining further. "High energy activity drains our blood supply faster, which results in darker eyes. Of course, there are other caused of darkening eyes, so it's not much of an indicator when I'm around you."

His eyes were a deep, galaxy black. Black as lust.

I swallowed a sudden mouthful of venom and wondred if my eyes were as dark as his.

"Maybe we should take this somewhere more private," Edward said.

"Not a good idea," Jasper said from his chair, a little half-heartedly, as if he didn't expect us to listen.

"What isn't a good idea?" Edward barked.

"What you plan on doing," said Jasper, unhelpfully, "Alice called me. She told me your intention, and it's stupid. She also told me that she couldn't see any way I could convince you to change your mind."

"Then perhaps you could mind your own business instead."

Jasper slamed his book shut and scowled at Edward, "why do you insist on ignoring my advice on this? You're the one who refers to my 'area of expertise'."

"You're an expert on managing newborn vampires. However, you are far from an expert on Bella, or on doing the right thing."

It was strange seeing Edward snap at his brother now. Now that I was beginning to feel these vampire I instincts for myself, I seemed to understand him better. I could feel for myself now that sudden rush of the urge to challenge a rival.

Jasper felt it too, he gave a soft growl, then turned to Emmett, "care for a run?"

The two of them left the cottage before this spat turned into a fight.

Edward took my hand, and led me upstairs to our room.

It was my turn to growl now. Not because I wanted to threaten him, but, I suppose this instinct to jump my mate was pretty animalistic too.

Edward, though, took a couple of steps away from me instead.

"Are you afraid that I'll hurt you again?"

He smiled at that, "no, of course not. It's just that I want to talk first."

"Really? What if I want to talk after?" I stepped towards him.

Edward sidestepped, dodging my caresses. "I don't think it would be honest of me to do this with you before we have this conversation. There's some things you need to know."

"Tell me later," I reached for him, and he slipped away from me again. This time my growl was more serious.

"Bella, it won't take long, but you need to know the whole of our relationship first. How much do you remember about bring human?"

"Enough, stop darting about and let me hold you."

"Do you remember me leaving you?"

"When?"

His eyes tightened, "you don't remember me breaking up with you and taking my whole family away because I thought we were too dangerous to you?"

I smiled slightly, "not at all. I suppose you do."

He nodded and grimaced. "I'm sorry," he said.

"Why? You wanted to keep me safe. I think it was sweet."

He looked as though his face was trying to collapse in on itself, it was so contorted with guilt and sorrow, "it wasn't sweet," he said, "you were heartbroken."

"That I can believe. But, Edward, sweetie, I very much doubt you were happy yourself."

"I deserved my suffering, it was my own fault. I deserve whatever punishment you choose for me. I came so close to destroying us both."

I looked carefully at my Edward, made so unhappy by merely telling the story. I didn't want to imagine how he must have felt when he lived through it. "You loved me even then," I said, "you must have suffered horribly when you left me. Let's not agonise over it all again. No more pain, Edward."

He was silent for a while, I suppose he was trying to accept my decision.

Finally he said, "I want to apologise."

"Haven't you already apologised?"

"Yes, but you don't remember. I want to give you an apology you can remember."

"I don't think I need that." But, looking at his face, I could see that Edward needed it, desperately. He needed my absolution. Hopefully, I gave it before, when I was still human. But, Edward needed it from this me as well.

"Tell me what happened," I said, "tell me the whole story."

He nodded. Then he dropped to his knees and began, "I was a fool, a reckless idiot, an ungrateful, miserable cad."

I considered interrupting him, it can't be healthy to spout so many self-deprecating remarks all at once, but, his speech had a lyrical quality, he'd prepared his confession for me, it was what he needed to say. I would have preferred to hold him or, at least, to look into his beautiful eyes. But this wasn't about me. This was something that Edward needed to do. He needed to get on his knees and confess what he'd done.

"I thought that my family were too dangerous to you. Rather than discuss my concerns with you, I made the decision to leave. I was utterly determined to go my own way, completely deaf to reason. I ignored all counsel from my family. I gave no consideration to your opinion. I thought that I knew best, for everyone.

"To start off the new life I had planned for you, I intended to create a clean break. I broke up with you, deliberately cruelly. I insulted you. I took you to the woods and spouted horrible, hurtful lies."

He hung his head miserably, "do you want me to tell you what I said? I never want to say those lies again, unless you need to hear them."

"I don't think it would help, sweetie. You broke up with me, that's enough detail; what happened next?"

"I ran away," he said, "cowardly, I ran from everyone. I hurt my family. I was cruel to them. I punished them for loving me. I told them - more churlishly still, I showed them through my disdain - that they weren't good enough. I hid in dark corners."

It was not a pleasant story. He was hard on himself, but I didn't want to disturb him by arguing, so I let him say exactly what he had prepared, and waited for when the time would be right to comfort him.

"I eventually realised the absurdity of what I was doing. I couldn't live without you. Even if it was the wrong thing to do, I had to get back to you. I was coming back, planning to beg forgiveness and ask to be allowed back in your life, when I heard . . . when I heard you were gone. When Rosalie told me that you jumped off a cliff, I couldn't bear existence any longer. I flew to Italy and asked the Volturi to destroy me."

"You tried to kill yourself! How dare you?"

Edward rocked back on his heels, confused, a little frightened. He'd expected me to be angry with him for leaving, but - apparently, absurdly - he hadn't anticipated me being angry at this.

"Bella, I had to. I thought you were dead."

I was furious.

Without planning it exactly (unlike Jasper I didn't seem able to collect myself enough to run off these sudden impulses to fight), I stood up and slapped him, hard. Impulsively, I smacked the back of my hand against his left cheek. I hadn't realised how hard I could hit until I did it.

He was already off-balance, having rocked himself back onto his heels a few seconds ago. He had no time to regain his balance. When I hit him, he flew through the air, smashing his way through the window and landing in a hedge in the garden, covered with glass.

I couldn't believe what I'd done.

I ran down the stairs and out of the door.

When I got there, Edward hadn't moved.

For a second, I wondered how badly he was hurt, quite what I'd done to him. Then I remembered that he was a vampire. Throwing him through a window was more rude than dangerous. If he hadn't moved it was because he had chosen not to move, not because he couldn't.

I walked over to the bush and, sure enough, he was looking up at me, perfectly alert, if a little shocked.

I felt his influence before I saw him, beginning to calm down as Jasper walked towards us.

Jasper looked at the window and gave a low whistle.

"I bet you wish that you'd had the foresight to discuss this on the ground floor," he said to Edward, "where did you get to?"

Despite his calming influence, I felt my hands clenching into fists, "he tried to end his life," I said.

Jasper nodded, "pretty much the expected reaction, then," he replied, "how about you take a bit of a break here, come and hunt with me, before you finish your discussion." Then he turned back to Edward, "I think that this is really down to you to clear up, don't you?"

Edward nodded, "of course, I'll tidy up now and fit a new window as soon as possible."

"There's replacement glass in the barn," Jasper said cheerily, "I'm married to a psychic."

Edward got up now and dusted himself off. He considered the implications of Jasper's words and looked archly at his brother. "You didn't fancy warning me?" he asked.

Jasper chuckled, "only one of many possible futures," he said, "you'll notice a lot of replacement items in there. The only thing we were pretty sure of was that something was going to get broken, and - to be fair - you did already know what you have to confess, surely you could have predicted the odd breakage without Alice's help."

Edward gave me an apologetic smile, "I am sorry," he said.

Jasper led me back away from the house, chuckling again, "so, what did you do to him?"

I looked down, "I slapped him, and he sort of flew. I guess I'm not used to my own strength yet."

Jasper's laughter grew, "hey, Emmett," he shouted, "you'll never guess what we missed. Bella only backhanded Edward through a window!"

Emmett's answering laughter filled the forest. At least they were enjoying themselves.

"So, Bells," Emmett asked jovially, "not that you need an excuse, but, why did you smack Eddy through a window? Was it his annoying habit of pinching the bridge of his nose?"

I frowned at him, "it's not funny, Emmett. I was worked up and acted before I thought. He was telling me about what happened a couple of months ago, when he thought I'd jumped off a cliff."

"You really did jump off a cliff," Emmett said.

"Yes, that's right, I remember. But he thought I'd just jumped off a cliff, really I was trying out a new sport."

Emmett shrugged, "so, he was telling you about his little trip to Italy?"

I nodded.

"What a doofus!" Emmett laughed, "he had the perfect chance to get a clean slate, and he wrecked it. What kind of a fool deliberately winds up a brand new vampire?"

"He felt guilty," Jasper explained, "he felt that letting Bella love him when she didn't know what he'd done was wrong."

"He was being noble and honest and I hit him," I said.

"No guilt," Jasper said firmly, "you have nothing to feel guilty about, Bella. You've got a lot of adjustments to deal with right now and Edward can handle the consequences of his own decisions. He knew what he was doing, telling you all that stuff."

"I still have to take responsibility for my own actions," I said.

"You made a split second decision to hit him, you don't need to stew over the guilt for hours," Jasper said. "I warned him what would happen, Alice warned him, and he has lived with newborn vampires before. He should have known better."

I shook my head, not really agreeing with Jasper's assessment, but not sure how to explain my objections either. It's not how long it takes to do something wrong that determines guilt, it's the effect of your actions. When Edward was vulnerable, I threw him through a window. That was wrong, regardless of how quick it was or how little thought I put into it.

By the time we were done hunting, Edward had fixed the window and was sat calmly in the garden waiting for didn't escape my notice that he was actually waiting peaceably, rather than pacing up and down, sniffing the air.

"I don't seem in control of myself these days," I said.

Edward smiled, "you're doing amazingly well, love. You're already far more stable than I was, even months into this life. You're taking to it wonderfully."

"I'm sorry about before."

"It's fine, you didn't hurt me, I fixed the window. You were just surprised."

"And angry," I said.

He nodded, "with good cause. I should never have left you."

"You need to listen to me. I wasn't angry about that. You loved me enough to want my safety more than you wanted your own happiness. It was romantic and self-sacrificing. I couldn't be angry about that. But, you tried to hurt yourself! Edward Anthony Cullen, I cannot believe you did something so stupid. You are not allowed to endanger yourself under any circumstances whatsoever. Is that clear?"

"It won't ever happen again," he said softly, "I have you forever, now."

"You're mine," I told him, twisting my fingers into his hair, 'you're not allowed to hurt yourself."

"I did it because I believed that there was no you to belong to," he said, "of course, so long as you're around, I'll be here."

I shook my head, "that's the wrong answer. Whatever happens to me, you are never to hurt yourself. You have to promise me."

Edward gave a slight smile, "another thing you forgot, you made me promise that already," he said, "before your change."

"I want to hear it again.I want to hear it so that I remember."

He nodded, "I promise, Bella, I will never deliberately endanger myself or try to end my existence again."

"Regardless of anything that happens to me."

He sighed, "I promise."

"Good. So, carry on with the story. The Volutri must have refused to destroy you, since you're still around."

"Yes, they refused. And I decided to try and force their hand," he tensed as if he was wondering if I was going to hit him again, but I was under control now, I nodded for him to carry on.

"I'm sorry I lost my temper," I said, "it won't happen again. It's just that even the thought of losing you forever, it hurts so much. I can't explain . . ."

"Believe me," he said softly, closing his eyes and shivering at the memory, "I know precisely what you mean."

"I thought," he went on, "that maybe, just maybe, there was a chance Carlisle might be right, maybe there was a heaven, somewhere, that would accept me. It was the only way I would ever see you again, so I had to take it. I was about to reveal myself in the middle of Volterra - they would have to destroy me - and my last thought, what I believe would be my last thought, was a prayer to see you again, maybe just to glimpse your paradise from wherever I belonged."

"But you didn't die," I said, more to reassure myself than to hurry .

"No, you arrived, you grabbed me, and I was in heaven," he said. He held me close, breathing in deeply, as if he wanted to be quite sure of his senses, "and I've been in heaven ever since."