Author's Note: Okay, so I am super sorry that it's been so long since I've last posted. BUT, in my defense, the last time I didn't post for-freaking-ever, I waited fifteen months before posting. This time, it's been like six. So, don't be too mad at me. Plus, this time, you get TWO chapters instead of one.

I've been meaning to write this one for a really long time, but I've been having a strange mix of pointless procrastination with writer's block despite the fact that I've had this idea since before I wrote "Camping Out in the Backyard" (Chapter 10). I really hope I didn't offend anyone with this. If I did, feel free to just skip this chapter; honestly it's just here for kicks and giggles and it doesn't really add that much to the plot. That said, the only people I'm really worried about with this chapter are people younger than twelve so don't be super worried about this chapter; it's not that bad.

As for the title, when I was coming up with the title, I was either going to call it "Birth Control Pills" or "Ministry Searches," but then, I decided to combine the two ideas and call it "Random Drug Testing" because it touches on both of those subjects even though this chapter has absolutely nothing to do with drug testing. But it was clever. And that's what counts. And so, enjoy.

A new Ministry decree went out that the homes of all Ministry employees would be randomly searched. Upon quitting the Ministry, one's home would be immediately searched.

And nothing had made Percy more nervous in his entire life.

Sure, the Ministry trusted him well enough and he doubted that anyone suspected him of anything (other than Alicia Spinnet of course), but they even searched Runcorn's apartment for good measure.

"I just don't get it," Yaxley grumbled. "Nothing. None of these searches have shown up anything."

Percy shrugged sympathetically. "None?"

"None. Hell," he laughed bitterly, "we even searched your parents' house!"

The hairs on the back of Percy's neck stood up. "And?"

"Nothing," Yaxley replied exasperated. "I mean, we….." He glared at Alicia Spinnet who wasn't doing a very good job of appearing uninterested. "Go get me some tea!"

She raised her eyebrows defiantly and pulled out her wand about to conjure up a cup.

"I said 'Go get me some tea.' That means get outta here!"

"And here I was minding my own business trying to get work done, doing my job," she grumbled as she stalked off.

Percy tried not to smile. He knew very well that she got next to no work done and that before Yaxley showed up, she'd been playing Hangman with some enchanted paper that she'd probably gotten from his brothers' joke shop. "You were saying?"

"Yeah, well we searched your parents' place, but we found nothing. Nothing that would lead us to Potter or that Mudblood he hangs around with."

Percy said nothing, just pretending that he was too immersed in his work.

Yaxley scowled at Percy as though it were his fault, "That sister of yours has quite a mouth."

Percy looked up. "Hmmm?"

"Well, we were just searching her room when….."

"Why were you searching her room?" Percy asked immediately regretting it.

"What?" Yaxley's eyes narrowed nervously.

"Nothing," Percy said quickly. "Old habits die hard, I guess. You know, overprotective brother thing." He desperately hoped that excuse would be enough.

"Right, well, we thought maybe she had something relating to Harry Potter in her room. Letters or something."

"Why would she have letters?"

"They were close in age. She might have been friends with him. Was she?"

"I doubt it. When I still lived with them she-" Percy stopped abruptly. He'd been about to say that she couldn't talk when he was in the room because of her crush on him, but that would only get his family in more trouble.

"She what?"

Percy shrugged. "Never spent much time with Ron or any of his friends."

Alicia returned with the tea which Yaxley snatched rather forcefully. She muttered a "That was rude," as she sat down, but Yaxley didn't seem to notice.

"So we're still going to keep doing these searches even though they've never shown anything. Personally I think they're starting to become pointless. Just a way to scare people. We're going after that Spinnet girl tomorrow," he whispered to Percy. He took a sip of tea, straightened up, and turned to Alicia. In a monotone voice, he said, "Well, you're fine. Nothing was found in your flat."

"What?" Percy asked.

"Nothin'," he waved his hand impatiently. He straightened up again and said in that same monotone voice, "I was just telling Spinnet that she's passed the search. He slouched once again and returned to his regular voice, "Anyway…."

"I thought you were searching her place tomorrow," Percy said slowly.

"No, it was yesterday," Yaxley said, this time in his regular voice. He laughed, "I think you're goin' deaf."

"Must be," Percy smiled, glancing at Alicia who winked.

"Yaxley," another Ministry employee walked in. "Umbridge needs you. She says it's urgent."

Yaxley rolled his eyes and hurried off. Percy turned to Alicia. "What did you put in that tea?"

"Lemon, a dash of sugar, some mint….."

"Come on. What did you slip in his tea?"

"I can honestly promise you that I didn't slip anything in his tea," she swiveled in her chair a bit, smiling, "Now if you said 'dumped' that might be another story….." She grinned.

About five minutes later, Yaxley returned grumbling things like "false alarm," and "overreacting," and the like. "Sorry about that." He took another sip of tea. "Oh, Percy. Just a heads up, we're searching your place tomorrow."

"What?!" Percy nearly shouted.

Alicia grabbed her wand and made a small, discreet motion.

"Your place tomorrow," Yaxley shrugged. "Not a problem is it?"

Before Percy could even think of an answer, Alicia jumped in with, "Would you like some more tea?!"

"I've got plenty here….." Yaxley looked down at his cup which had "magically" become next to empty. He glared and thrust the cup at her and she nearly flew off to the break room.

"That's not a problem is it, Weasley?" Yaxley asked menacingly.

"Well, I haven't exactly cleaned it in a while….."

"No one cares about cleanliness," Yaxley rolled his eyes. "I don't really want to search your place anyway, but it's the Ministry's new policy and if we don't search certain people's homes, it might look suspicious. Like we're hiding something. You understand, right?"

"Right, yeah. Of course," Percy nodded as Alicia stepped back in.

"Here's your tea," she thrust it into Yaxley's hand and he took a large gulp.

His eyes widened and he almost smiled before regaining his composure. "That's not bad."

She smiled, muttered a quiet, "Thanks," and returned to her "work" (cough, cough, hangman, cough, cough).

"So you were saying about the search," Percy said nonchalantly, hoping that whatever Alicia put into the tea would work again. "Well?"

"You still live with your great-uncle right?"

"Eh? Oh, right, yes," Percy replied, his spirit falling.

"And his-er-'friend' and her two grandkids?"

Percy nodded.

"Well, we'll be there at four tomorrow. See you then," he took another gulp of tea and walked off.

Percy fell back into his seat covering his face with his hands.

"I'm so sorry," Alicia whispered. She took a deep breath. "Lee's been living with me for the past few months and he and the Ministry haven't been on exactly the best terms. I didn't think….I mean, why would they search your place and….."

"More importantly, why would it matter?" Percy finished for her. "Yeah, I know."

"That girl you're always thinking about….Is she what you're hiding?"

"Her, her parents, and her little brother…." Percy shook his head. "What am I going to do?"

Alicia walked over to his desk. She gave him a quick hug and he felt her slip something into his jacket pocket. She returned to her own desk. "That…special sweetener I use…..you build up a tolerance to it really quickly. In a matter of minutes. But after a few hours, that tolerance wears off." She nodded to him and he smiled, but he couldn't help but feel defeated.

XXX

"Hey, how was your day….?" Audrey began to ask as Percy walked through the door, but he cut her off.

"Where is everyone?"

"In the kitchen….why?"

"Emergency. Everyone in the living room. Now."

It couldn't have taken more than thirty seconds before everyone was seated, frightened of hearing whatever it was that Percy had to say.

"They're coming. Tomorrow," Percy began and Mrs. Simmons gasped. "They still think that Ignatius Weasley is still alive," he nodded to Mr. Simmons, "and that his girlfriend," to Mrs. Simmons, "and her two grandchildren," and then to Audrey and Joey, "have moved in to help take care of him. So we're going to have to redo your disguises." (The charms Audrey and Percy had placed on the family had long since worn off and Audrey's hair had also grown quite a bit.)

The four Simmons nodded.

"We can pretend that you two are simply too old to do magic anymore," he said to Mr. and Mrs. Simmons, "but Joey is going to be a problem. He looks like he ought to be Hogwarts age, but then there'd be the problem of why he's not at Hogwarts. And he's too tall to pretend to be too young. And if he's an adult, there's the problem of why he can't do magic." He took a deep breath. "And our plan last September, the one where he's a wizard who had magic stolen….that's just not going to work."

"Then I'll break his wand," Audrey replied.

"What?" Percy asked.

"If someone asks why he can't do magic, we'll say that I was fooling around and broke his wand and we're waiting for Cassius Lignum to make him another one."

"Who?"

"Cassius Lignum. The most popular wand-maker in Australia. We are still from Australia, right?"

"Yeah…And you know who this guy is how?"

"I did a report on him while at Hogwarts."

XXX

And so the Simmons and Percy anxiously waited for four o'clock in the afternoon the next day to arrive. Ministry employees were allowed the day off the day their homes were being searched (though usually they weren't told until that morning) in order to prevent the searchers from taking anything valuable (a fair rule induced by an early incident where an employee's wife's diamond necklace disappeared and then one of the searchers wore an identical necklace to work the next day). Percy kept going over their plan over and over in his mind. Though none of the Simmons looked like themselves, Audrey and her mother kept checking everyone's appearances and making slight changes to their disguises so they'd be more believable. They also kept running all over the house, hiding anything that might seen suspicious. Audrey also insisted on temporarily transfiguring everyone's clothing to look older in her family's case and girlier in her own. Joey stayed in his room almost the whole day, only emerging to use the bathroom. Mr. Simmons, it seemed, was the only one who wasn't afraid.

"It'll all work out," he said to Percy who had begun to follow Audrey and Mrs. Simmon's suit by making sure that the photo albums still looked like cookbooks or novels or whatever and they were in the right place.

"You can't be sure of that," Percy replied turning to face him. "There's no way to know that."

"No, I can't," Mr. Simmons nodded, "but there's no point in worrying. It won't achieve anything."

"How can you just sit there?" Percy asked, not irrespectively, but genuinely bewildered.

Mr. Simmons just shrugged. "I have a good feeling, I suppose. Life's short. I've always known that. And mine has treated me especially well." He sighed. "Audrey and Joey, though. They're still young and if this doesn't turn out…." he shook his head. "But I'm grateful for everything I've had. And there's nothing I regret. Life's too short for that."

"Yeah, well, there's a lot that I regret," Percy replied.

"Like?"

"My family. I regret ever leaving them. I regret not patching things up when I had the chance. Hell, when I had the chances," he sighed. "I regret not being a better son and brother even when I still lived with them. I was always so focused on work….."

"But think about it this way," Mr. Simmons said. "If you had stayed with your family, would you have kept your job at the Ministry this long?"

Percy raised an eyebrow. "No."

"There you have it then."

"You're not trying to say that a job is worth losing my family….."

"Of course not. But if didn't have that job, what reason would you have had to be at the Ministry on September 1st?"

"No reason," Percy said, realizing what he was getting at.

"And if you hadn't been at the Ministry on September 1st….."

"Then I wouldn't have had a chance to help you escape," Percy finished for him.

"Then you wouldn't have had the chance to save our lives," Mr. Simmons corrected.

Before either of them could say anything else, the clock struck four and the fire erupted with green flames.

"Showtime," Percy muttered.

Mr. Simmons sat on the couch and stared off into space, pretending that he was suffering greatly from Alzheimer's Disease (the Simmons, excluding Audrey of course, had all been very surprised to hear that wizard's could in fact get dementia). Mrs. Simmons, as Vivian Turner, hobbled in on her walker (which Audrey had conjured) and shouted irritably when Audrey, who'd been walking behind, attempted to help her. Joey walked in, nose stuck in a novel that had been popular when Percy was at Hogwarts.

Yaxley and two other Ministry workers (whom Percy didn't know) stepped out of the fireplace. "Hey, Percy. Sorry about this, really." He nodded to the other two who proceeded to ransack the house. "Gently!" he shouted. He turned back to the family. Apologetically to Percy, "I'm afraid I'll have to question them."

"Right," Percy nodded. He'd been expecting this and so everyone had rehearsed questions that they might be asked.

Yaxley turned to Mr. Simmons. "How is he?"

Tentively, Percy sat down on the couch next to his "great-uncle." "Uncle Ignatius? Can you hear me? Do you know who I am?"

There was no reply.

Yaxley nodded. "Shame. I've heard stories 'bout the Great Ignatius Weasley. He was a great wizard in his day." Percy only nodded and Yaxley turned to Mrs. Simmons. "Well, let's start with the lady of the house."

Quietly enough to not attract attention, though not quietly enough that Yaxley wouldn't hear, Audrey said to Percy, "If this is going to take a while, I'll go put tea on." She left.

"Name?" Yaxley asked.

"Vivian Turner, officially, though my husband's been dead for over forty years so I don't see why I go back to my maiden name, Ricardo, but my children insist that I keep it 'Turner,' saying it's a disrespect to their father, as though it's any of their business…."

"Thank you, Vivian," Yaxley cut her off.

"Vivian?!" she shouted, aghast. "How dare you? Didn't your mother ever teach you any manners? We've only just met and you think we're already on a first name basis?" Percy bit back a smile. Mrs. Simmons was playing the batty old lady character far better than he'd expected.

"What would you like to be called?" Yaxley asked, irritated.

"Well, I suppose 'Mrs. Turner' though I haven't had a reason to be called that in over forty years and…."

"Yes, thank you, Mrs. Turner." He read over the questions he was supposed to ask and thought better of asking her age. "Birthday?"

"October 19th."

"Blood status?"

"A positive," she replied.

He sighed. "Pureblood? Half-blood?"

"Oh, I thought you were asking about my health," she chuckled slightly to herself. "I was going to hit you with my walker if you tried to ask me how many heart medicines I'm taking.

"Just answer the question, please," Yaxley sighed.

"Pureblood."

"How long have you known Mr. Weasley?"

"About nine months when he moved into the cottage."

"Mr. Ignatius Weasley."

"Oh, you were talking about Iggy. That's what I call him," Mrs. Simmons, greatly enjoying her character replied. "Thirty-two years exactly, next month. We met on my daughter's birthday. The second daughter, I mean. Not the disappointing one. I mean why would she want to be an actor? No money in that business! But she's going to be a star! Well, let me tell you, she hasn't gotten her break yet. Should have taken my advice and been a lawyer. She was on her way to it too!..."

"Thank you. That'll be all," Yaxley cut her off. He turned to Joey. "Enjoying that book?"

"Eh? Yeah, thanks."

"They all die in the end," Yaxley said.

"Have you read it?"

"No."

"Then I guess I'll just have to finish it to see whether or not that's accurate," Joey replied his eyes never leaving the page.

"Son, I have to ask you some questions!" Yaxley shouted irritated. At that moment, Audrey returned with the tea. She handed Yaxley his cup and her mother a random cup, but let Percy get his own. Percy was mildly impressed with that touch.

"Can I read while you ask me?" Joey asked.

"May," Audrey corrected.

"Eh?" Yaxley and Joey asked.

"We all know that you're capable of reading and talking at the same time, but you were asking permission," Audrey replied.

He set his book down. "Really?"

Yaxley cleared his throat. (The fake argument was turning out well.) "Name?"

"Artie."

"Artie?"

"Turner," came Joey's exasperated reply.

Yaxley viewed him for a moment and asked, "Age?"

"Twenty." Joey turned a page in his book.

"Really? You don't quite look that old."

No one even had the chance to look worried before Joey replied, "Flattery won't work on me."

"Birthday?"

"Every year."

"When each year?" Yaxley asked through gritted teeth.

"June twelth."

Yaxley took a deep breath. "And how long have you been living here?"

"I dunno."

"Eleven months next Wednesday," Audrey offered.

"Yeah. What she said."

"Thank you," Yaxley nodded. "Blood status?"

"Half-blood," he replied, his eyes never leaving the page.

Yaxley raised his eyebrows, but said nothing. He turned to Audrey. "Name?"

"Lucy. Short for Lucille."

"Surname?"

"Turner. Same as my brother's," Audrey said, in an I-want-to-be-helpful-but-are-you-honestly-that-stupid tone of voice.

"Age?"

"Twenty-five." It wasn't much of a stretch. She'd be twenty-two that following April.

"Birthday?"

"May twenty-fifth. And I've lived here as long as Artie."

"Blood status?"

"Half. Same as Artie's."

Yaxley nodded. "Well, when they're done, we'll be going."

Percy was taken aback. "That's it?"

"Yeah, well, you're not doing anything illegal are you?"

"Does embezzling millions count?" Percy asked.

Before anyone could respond, the two other wizards came back in and one of them said, "We didn't find anything suspicious….except this." He tossed a small bottle to Yaxley and Audrey, seeing what it was blanched.

She gave her mother a fearful look and her mother only nodded.

"Eh, what is it?" Yaxley turned the clear bottle around a few times and grinned when he realized what was it in. Thankfully, he didn't realize that it was, in fact, a Muggle brand. "Birth control, eh?"

Audrey gasped loudly. Her face grew red as she glanced at Percy, biting her lip. Percy, understanding perfectly what she was trying to do, felt his own neck and ears grow hot. "I thought I hid that better," Audrey muttered.

"What?" Joey looked between the two of them shocked.

Yaxley laughed and smacked Percy on the back much harder than just friendly. "Ah, Percy! Didn't know you had it in you. Well, if there's nothing else…."

"Oi! What's this?!" the other wizard Percy didn't know held up the family's copy of The Christmas Carol. "I've never heard of it…." He opened the first page when Audrey jumped up and offered him some tea.

He took a sip and straightened up. "Yep, I remember this. Mi gran used to read this too me every Christmas."

"Are you alright?" Yaxley asked taking a sip of his own tea. He too stood up straight and said, "Well, time to go. Sorry to bother you."

"Sir?" the second wizard asked.

"What?" Yaxley snapped. "Let's go. We don't want to take up more of their time. I'm sure they have better things to do." He raised his eyebrows at Percy suggestively.

"Yes, but…."

"But nothing. I'm in charge. Let's go." And with that, the three wizards were in the fireplace which lit up with green fire once again and then they were gone.

All was silent.

All was still.

Until….

"Who," Audrey asked, "left The Christmas Carol lying around?"

They all looked around, waiting for someone to fess up, but everyone was just as confused as the next.

Finally, Percy broke the silence. "I don't think it matters who had it last. They searched the entire house. We could have hid it in a safe under the floor in the bathroom and they probably would have found it."

"Then why wasn't it enchanted to or something?" Audrey asked, still fuming.

Percy knew he had to choose his words carefully. Otherwise, he'd have to face The Wrath of Audrey. Not something that he, even as a Gryffindor, thought he could face and live to tell the tale. "It never crossed my mind. And I suppose that you didn't think of it either," he replied calmly. "We had that enchanted sweetener so it all worked out." He paused to smile slightly at Mr. Simmons and continued, "Hopefully this won't happen again, but if it does, we'll be sure to charm all of the Muggle books."

"But then we'll forget something else. Like the birth control," she turned to her parents. "Are you guys crazy?! Birth control?! Not just that. Muggle birth control?!"

"I'm sorry. I didn't think you wanted any more siblings, Audrey," her mother replied coolly.

"And you didn't think that having Muggle birth control would look suspicious?"

"Not nearly as suspicious as an eighty-somehting-year-old woman being pregnant."

"Why didn't you tell me?! I could have charmed it to look like heart medicine or something!"

"And you don't think that conversation would have been a little bit awkward?"

"AND THE STORY WE JUST MADE UP WASN'T?! If it weren't for Percy we probably all would have gotten killed!" She calmed down and turned to the man of the hour himself. "Brilliant acting by the way. I thought I was the only one who could make myself blush on command."

"Oh, yeah, right. It's….it's a Weasley thing," Percy felt the back of his neck grow warm again.

Audrey gave him a strange look which could have been appraising or approving, Percy couldn't tell.

"Well, this has been fun," Joey said awkwardly. "Can I go back to looking like me again?"

XXX

On this unusually warm March evening, Percy found himself sitting on the front porch, staring the first few stars that had appeared that night.

"Hey," Audrey said, sitting in the chair next to him. "What's up?"

"I'm just realizing how close we came to being caught," Percy replied, his eyes never leaving the sky.

"Funny how when we're about to do something, it seems so scary, but once we do it, it feels like nothing," Audrey mused. "But I guess it's not over is it?" she asked.

"I was thinking," Percy sighed and looked down at Audrey; he found that it was impossible to look directly at her so he looked at his lap, "maybe it's time for Uncle Ignatius to die."

"What?" Audrey asked.

"Maybe….maybe it's time that we set the records straight and we have a small funeral and the four of you go home to Australia. Or anywhere for that matter. But after today….it's not safe. I don't know why I didn't try to sneak you somewhere once Joey got better." He shook his head. "I should have…."

"Stop it, Percy," Audrey said. "We chose to stay here. And I understand if we've overstayed our welcome…"

"Of course not!"

"Then why do you want us to leave?" she asked.

"It's not safe for you here!"

"And it'll be safe somewhere else? You think it'll be safe for us to somehow go abroad? You think the Ministry won't notice?"

"Other people have done it…."

"And other people have gotten caught," she snapped. "You may not believe this, but you're not the only one in this house who reads The Daily Prophet."

They were silent for a little while before Percy said, "Just think about it. I don't want you to go, but I'd rather know that you were safe."

"I'll tell my family," she said slowly. "And if they want to go they can, but I'm not going anywhere."

Percy just smiled.

"Hey, Percy?"

"Hmm?"

"You can't actually make yourself blush on command, can you?"

"If you tell anyone…."

"It's a secret I'll take to my grave."

XXX

When Audrey walked back into the house, she found her entire family looking…."busy" in a stiff, I-grabbed-the-first-book-I-saw-so-you-wouldn't-get-suspecious kind of way. Her father was reading last week's paper, her mother was reading a dictionary, and Joey was exactly half-way through the book Percy loaned him (the book he'd started that morning). "Well, goodnight!" she said, irritated.

"Night," they all replied in unison.

Once she was gone, Joey groaned, setting the book down. "I hate spoilers."