Chapter Fifty-Nine

"Where is everyone?" Sakura asked, voice thick with grogginess as she shuffled into the living room.

Syaoran struggled to think of a reply that didn't incriminate anyone. "They were gone before I woke up," he said, feigning ignorance.

"Oh." She frowned, glancing at the clock. "Early for them to be out."

"I guess." He looked away, trying not to cringe at the thought of what Kurogane and Fai were talking about right now. Kurogane will tell the truth. He has to, now that Fai knows this much. But how much of the truth will he tell? His face warmed, memories of their more intimate interludes dancing in front of his eyes. He doubted the ninja would describe in detail what they'd done, but the thought that Fai would know they'd done more than kissing made his stomach twist into knots. How am I ever going to be able to look him in the eye again? And how can I know Fai won't tell Sakura himself?

"Are you all right?"

His head snapped up. The corners of Sakura's lips had turned down, and a furrow had appeared between her eyebrows. "I'm fine," he said.

"Your face is red. Do you have a fever? Should I—"

"No, that's okay. Really, I'm fine." Please let it go. Please.

Her frown deepened. "Do you want me to make you some soup?"

"I . . ." He hesitated, weighing his options. Fai wasn't particularly thrilled with him, and he doubted the magician would let Kurogane anywhere near him for a few days, even for menial tasks. And he didn't want to take advantage of Sakura's kindness while their relationship was so tenuous. Yet what other option did he have? "Soup sounds wonderful. Thank you."

Her eyebrows lifted half an inch. "Okay. I'll get that started, then. Do you think the others will be back in time for breakfast?"

He shrugged. Better if she believed he knew nothing of what was going on. Better to lie, whispered that hateful little voice in the back of his mind. Better to lie to the Other's princess than jeopardize your own happiness. But then, it's been that way for months now, hasn't it?

Syaoran shook off the thought. He'd justified his relationship with Kurogane so many times in his mind, and now to Fai as well. Maybe too much. Maybe you're lying to yourself. After all, why bother with him when you've got your own princess waiting? It's because you're selfish. You can't even set aside your own pleasure to do the right thing. Pathetic.

He heard the front door swing open, and braced himself, unsure what to expect. Fai might not be openly hostile to him while Sakura was in the room, but the cold looks, the accusation in his eyes . . . Syaoran expected all of it.

And you deserve it, whispered his mind. You deserve whatever comes to you.

For the first few days, Syaoran was so focused on Fai's silent disapproval that he didn't pay much attention to the fact that Kurogane was avoiding him. But gradually, it started to sink in.

"I'm heading out," Kurogane said, donning his black coat. "Be back in a few hours."

In the kitchen, Fai muttered a subdued reply and continued scrubbing dishes that were already spotless. Syaoran turned his head, looking away from the television to see the ninja walking out the door. Then, attention straying, he turned his head back toward the screen and watched the colorful patterns flickering in front of his eyelids. He'd ceased paying attention to the program he'd been watching, letting his mind wander. As the scrape of steel wool over dishware hissed in his ears, he closed his eyes, letting himself drift.

He'd slept a lot in the first few days after they'd found him in that basement, recovering from its injuries. Ever since Fai had caught him kissing Kurogane six days ago, he'd started sleeping even more, shunning his waking moments in favor of the oblivion of unconsciousness. Sleep let him escape the depression of his daily life by plunging him into the hell of his nightmares.

He wasn't sure which he preferred. Usually whichever was most present in his thoughts. But for the moment, he let himself slip into those nightmares, just for a change of pace.

Cassie's basement stretched out in front of him, everything faded to a dingy gray. Phantom chains pulled at his arms, icy cold against his skin as they dragged him back into that pit. Eerie red light spilled across the room, dying everything crimson. Syaoran struggled against the restraints, wrists bleeding as the metal cut into his flesh.

A girlish giggle fluttered against his eardrums. "Welcome to the playroom," Cassie said, twirling a glowing dagger in her hand. Screams. His screams, he knew, but they didn't sound like him. He couldn't scream, couldn't let them see that their torment was getting to him. He'd endure any pain. Had to. But the metal bit into his flesh and the shackles binding his wrists burned as if they, too, had been plunged into the fire. His screams grew shrill, rising to a pitch that made his head pound. Streaks of agony crisscrossed his chest, skin shriveling as Cassie plunged her dagger into his skin, but he wouldn't die.

Couldn't die, no matter how much he wanted to.

Fai's ears zeroed in on the pained whimper as if it had been a car horn. His head whipped around, and the plate in his hand nearly shattered with the force of his grip. Before it could, he set it on the counter and darted over to where Syaoran lay, claws coming out as his supernatural speed kicked in. "Syaoran-kun?"

Crumpled up on the couch, Syaoran whimpered, shivering under the blankets. Fai knelt beside him, resting a hand on his shoulder and shaking him. The boy recoiled, raising his arms in front of his face. "No. Please, no more . . ."

Fai drew back, ice sliding down his spine. Syaoran's shivers increased in intensity, his body curling up as much as possible with his leg still immobilized by the cast. Another whine escaped his throat. "Let go. Please."

A nightmare, Fai realized, his eye widening. He shook Syaoran's shoulder more forcefully. "Syaoran-kun, wake up. You're dreaming. Wake up!"

The tremors, the whimpers, the pleas—all of it stopped as Syaoran snapped back into awareness. Glassy brown eyes drifted up to Fai's face, pupils dilated, still trapped in the nightmare. Then, like a flower blooming in fast-forward, he unfurled and pressed his face into the couch cushions.

Fai hesitated for a moment, then rested a hand between Syaoran's shoulder-blades. Syaoran flinched, burrowing deeper into the cushions.

He's traumatized, Fai reminded himself. It's going to take time for him to recover from what was done to him. Especially considering everything else. His mind flitted to the conversations he'd had with Kurogane and Syaoran just a few days ago. To him, the relationship seemed dangerously codependent. Even with consent, such heavy reliance didn't bode well in the long-term. He's not in a good place now. He hasn't been since we met him. He might not realize this is the wrong way to go about things.

"Syaoran-kun," he said, lowering his voice as King Ashura had when Fai had been nothing more than a broken child with a stolen name. "It was just a nightmare. It's going to be all right."

"I'm fine."

Fai bit his lip. "Sakura-chan wouldn't want you to hide your pain. You can still talk to us. I'm not . . . I'm not holding anything against you."

"I don't believe you."

I deserve that, he thought, wincing. Why should he believe me? Why should anyone, when all I do is lie? I'm a hypocrite. "I don't want you to think you don't have a support network. We—"

"If I had a support network," Syaoran began, eyes flashing with temper, "then where were you after we landed in this world?"

He froze, his response catching in his throat, choking him. His vision blurred for just a second, hurt shredding through his chest as if he'd raked his claws through his lungs. Then, without a word, he bowed his head. "I should've been." Then maybe things wouldn't seem so broken now.

"Yes," Syaoran said, his voice clipped, bitterness seeping into his words like poison. "You should have. But you weren't. What else was I supposed to do, except latch onto the only person who was?"

"You know that doesn't change anything."

Several seconds passed in silence. Syaoran sat up and shifted, grabbing his chair and bringing it around to the front of the couch. "I'm going to my room," he said, his voice eerily devoid of emotion. Like the other Syaoran, Fai thought, watching Syaoran wheel himself into his bedroom for the first time in weeks.

The door closed with a sound of finality.