Chapter Sixty-One

A blur of yellow and white shot past Kurogane as he released the kid's wrist. His vision focused, tracking the movement as he reached for Souhi. Only when he realized it was the mage did he abort the movement. "Syaoran-kun, calm down. Calm down."

The boy flailed, folding up like paper as his shriek sharpened. Fai wrapped his arms around the kid's shoulders, only to receive an elbow to the gut. Kurogane winced as if the blow had been aimed at him.

Syaoran's screams turned to sobs. "Get away, get away, get away . . ."

Fai stepped back, staring at the boy as his pleas degenerated into quiet whimpers. When a gold eye flashed to his face, Kurogane spoke. "Get the princess."

For once, Fai didn't argue. The vampire darted out of the room, supernatural speed turning him to a blur. Kurogane turned his attention back to the boy, heartbeat thundering in his ears. On the bed, the kid clutched his head, rocking back and forth. All the blood had seeped out of his face. Lines of red crisscrossed the whites of his eyes as he stared at the wall. If his fingernails had been their normal length, Kurogane was sure they'd have carved bloody furrows into his face by now. The sobs scraping through the kid's throat grated on Kurogane's eardrums like an awl.

It was like the kid wasn't there. He was sitting on the bed, physically present, but Kurogane had no idea how to reach him, how to make things all right again. And that terrified him.

Fai swept into the room again, Sakura in tow. As the princess stumbled over to the bedside, the mage retreated against the wall, watching from afar as if the kid would just erupt all over again. Instead, the princess took the boy's hand and sat at his side, murmuring reassurances. Kurogane watched, awed, as Syaoran's cries abated, his shoulders relaxing.

When the kid laid his cheek on the princess's shoulder, Kurogane let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. "I didn't know he'd do that."

The mage glanced at him, then away, not saying a word. On the bed, the kid quieted. The princess glanced at them. "Bring him something to eat. He needs it."

Kurogane started to move, suddenly eager to get out of the room. Fai raised an arm to block him. "I've got it."

He met the mage's gaze, lips twisting in annoyance. "I can do it."

"I think it would be better if I did." Fai turned and stepped over the splintered remains of the door. Kurogane followed, the back of his neck burning. As he stepped across the threshold, he grabbed the idiot by the wrist and stopped him.

"Are you really going to argue with me over this?" he demanded, his voice low, furious.

"Yes." Fai faced him, tilting his chin up. "I don't think Syaoran-kun will benefit from seeing any more of you today. He seemed quite upset."

You bastard, he thought, hands curling into fists. "That has nothing to do with this, and you know it."

"What I know is that you knocked down a door and triggered his panic attack."

His hand twitched. "You're the one who told me to get him out of his room."

Fai's expression didn't change. "I hardly see how that equates to smashing a door in."

"You didn't bother stopping me while I was doing it."

"A lapse in attention."

"Liar."

"And let's not forget that his episode only happened when you confronted him."

Don't kill him, Kurogane told himself, inhaling through his teeth. It would upset the kids. You'd have to hide the body. You'd be another player short of a chess team. He exhaled, forcing his fingers to uncurl. Fai looked down at his hands with disdain, as if he was staring at a bug he intended to crush underfoot. Then, the mage turned away and started for the kitchen.

"Is this about the door or something else?" Kurogane asked, unable to expel the venom from his voice.

Fai paused. "How strange. You're usually the one who criticizes needless questions." And then he stepped into the kitchen, leaving the chaos behind him.

Shame crept in as the memories receded. As Syaoran came back to himself, he drew away from Sakura, wiping his eyes as if his tears were made of acid. "Sorry."

Sakura—not his Sakura, he reminded himself, the spot of shame blossoming into something worse—placed a hand between his shoulder blades. "It's all right."

He shook his head. "I forgot where I was. That doesn't make this—"

"It's fine. You've been through a lot."

"I'm sorry." He withdrew his hand from hers, heart aching even knowing that she wasn't his Sakura. "You didn't have to come. I know this is hard for you." He thought of what she'd said back in the hospital, what she knew about herself. What must it be like to know you're a copy of someone else? he wondered. Even the Other didn't know what he was until Tokyo, and now he has no reason to care.

He wondered if being a copy ever felt like not existing at all. And if not existing at all ever felt like the depression he'd been facing over the past few days, locked away in this room where time didn't matter.

After a few minutes, Fai returned, carrying a bowl of chicken noodle soup. When Fai set the dish on his lap, Syaoran stared at it, stomach pitching as if someone had stuck a knife in it. He closed his eyes and inhaled through his mouth, throat dry. "I'm not hungry," he whispered.

"You're eating," Kurogane said, looming in the doorway with his arms crossed. The moments before his panic attack flickered through his mind, and he looked away, shame deepening.

"It's all right, Syaoran-kun. Whatever else is going on, it's safe for you to eat."

Safe, he thought, automatically associating the word with lies. Nowhere was safe. If a few monsters could pull him off the street and torture him, then what place could possibly be safe? I've never been safe. Just lucky.

"It would make me really happy if you ate," Sakura said, looking up at him with jade eyes.

His throat tightened. If I don't eat, she'll be unhappy. And I have to eat eventually, otherwise I'll starve. The thought lingered in his mind. Starvation was a painful way to go, certainly, but there was a passiveness to it that made it seem less horrific than other forms of death. Could be worse, he thought, shuddering at the possibilities. Death can come much faster if I wanted it to. But there are still worse ways to die. He moved his hand to the spoon, guilt motivating him to eat despite the stones tumbling around in his stomach. The broth tasted like pure salt, and the noodles slid down his throat like wet silk, making him gag. He choked down the first few bites, his body revolting against the sudden change, and the rest came easier. He ate until he felt sick, then set the bowl aside.

Hovering at the edge of the room, Fai sighed. "You only ate half."

"I don't feel well."

The magician's eyebrows slanted back, but he took the bowl away and headed out, pausing only to mutter something to Kurogane, who then crossed his arms and stalked out without a word. Sakura stayed by the bed a moment longer, taking his hand and holding it for a few minutes. "You shouldn't punish yourself like this. You haven't done anything wrong."

He said nothing. After a moment, Sakura stood and released his hand. "Will you try to be happy? As much as you possibly can?"

He hesitated, then exhaled. "Okay."

Sakura smiled, and his heart jolted with pleasure and guilt. "I'm glad." She rested a hand on his shoulder, and he took a moment to admire her. Even now, beaten and broken by Tokyo and everything after, this Sakura was a warm person.

He hated lying to her.