SONG: Without YouARTIST: Breaking Benjamin

"...All I have is one last chance...I won't turn my back on you...Take my hand, drag me down...If you fall then I will too..."

A knock on my bedroom door at nine fifteen in the morning wakes me from a dream I wasn't ready to wake up from. I was dreaming that it was early; probably like six in the morning or so; and I was running through the sleepy streets; my entire body was covered in sweat, my legs and my chest were burning from exertion but I felt amazing.

"Go away dad!" I groan as I put my pillow over my face.

"There is someone here for you Landon." Dad's voice sounds unsure but why? It's only Jake; why would dad sound so unsure. Shit what if it's not Jake; what if it's my mother? Two weeks ago when I talked to my mom on the phone she had mentioned something about making a trip to see me before my birthday. She said she would be able to visit on my actual birthday because her and her boyfriend were going on a cruise.

"I need to get dressed." I shout from behind my pillow. My bedroom door opens and when I pull my pillow off my face I see my dad standing at the end of my bed with a smile on his face. When he smiles I can see his dimples; the same dimples that dent my cheeks when I smile. I look so much like him; pretty much every feature that I see in the mirror I have received from my father except for my green eyes; those I got from my mother.

"Hurry up and get dressed then boy and put on a nice shirt."

I groan loudly as I use my arms to lift myself into a sitting position before I rub the sleep out of my eyes. As I run my fingers through my messy hair I look at my father in confusion; why is he grinning at me like that?

"Why do I need to put on a nice shirt?"

"Don't you want to make a good impression?" Dad's grin grows wider and I can see the look of amusement in his grey eyes. Oh for the love of god! Dad must be trying this again and by this I mean; there must be some little girl out there from his church group that he somehow convinced to come and spend time with his poor crippled son. I wonder if he paid this particular girl; yes he actually paid a girl named Nancy twenty bucks to come over and watch a movie with me once. Nancy only sat on the couch across from me for about ten minutes before she freaked out and threw the twenty dollars at me before she bolted from the house. I was pissed at my dad for over a week because of that; I told him I didn't need him to pay any fucking church girls to watch a movie with me; I told him that I would never forgive him if he ever brought another girl around like that again. Yet here I am dragging my dead legs over the side of my bed to get up and put on a nice shirt. Dad means well and when he looks at me like that I can't be pissed; the look on his face makes me want to get dressed and go meet this church girl. His eyes are filled with hope; something I haven't seen in his eyes for what feels like a long time.

"Is this shirt okay dad?"

"It's just a black t-shirt; don't you have something nicer than that?"

"Dad it's Saturday morning and I just got up; at least it's a clean shirt."

"Yeah okay; I guess you're right. Besides the black makes your green eyes shine."

"Christ dad! What is wrong with you?" My voice is high pitched as I look at him in shock; when I see him chuckling I realize that he was only messing with me and I can't help but chuckle a little myself as I make my way to my bathroom.

"You shouldn't curse so much boy; you are far too intelligent to fill your vocabulary with words like that."

"This coming from the man that calls the lawnmower vile names just because it won't start." I joke as I lean against the counter and comb my hair; I run my comb under the water to tame my messy curls further and after a minute I just give up all together. The only thing that will tame my wild curls would be a shower but the impatient look I am getting from my dad tells me I need to just brush my teeth and get out to the living room to greet this new church girl.

"You could use a haircut; I can take you to town tomorrow afternoon if you want."

"Nah, that's okay dad; I usually go with Jake to get my hair cut. What's her name dad?"

"Huh?"

"The girl that is here to see me; what's her name?"

"Oh…um…you know I don't think she told me her name and I guess I was just so excited to get you out of bed that I forgot to even ask." Dad has a playful tone to his voice and he is still grinning like an idiot; what is wrong with him today? He is playing a game with me with this particular church girl today; fine if he doesn't want to tell me her name then I will just make him and her wait even longer for me to make my appearance. I know, I know I can be a difficult teenager just like the rest of them when I put my mind to it.

"Dad can I get a little privacy? I want to brush my teeth and use the bathroom before I go out there."

"Uh, yeah sure bud, no problem. Don't take too long though; we wouldn't want her to leave now would we?"

"I will be right out." I watch him close my bathroom door and I lean against the wall as I close my eyes. What I really wanted to tell my dad was that yes, yes I did want this girl to leave but I am too much of a softy. Well a softy and also I am plagued with the same pathetic hopefulness that my dad had in his eyes only a few minutes ago; I am hopeful that just maybe this girl will be different from the other ones. Maybe this girl will actually enjoy my company and want to talk to me or even just set beside me while we watch some shitty movie. I get so lonely sometimes; dad works too much and Jake has a job and other friends to keep him busy most days. Now Jake has Faith to keep what little bit of extra time he does have to spend time with her. I feel sad when I think about Jake not being around so much but at the same time his absence lately might make it easier when he goes off to Stanford after graduation. This summer is going to be tough on me; at least when we were in school I could talk to people. Most of the time people acted weird around me and asked me stupid questions about my accident but at least it's some form of interaction with another human being.

I decide to get in the shower after all and twenty minutes later I am looking at my refection in the mirror. I have my too-long brown curly hair slicked back and I am practicing my smile and different ways of how I might greet this new girl when I finally quit being a chicken and go out to meet her. I wonder if I should put on a different shirt? No, no this black t-shirt is fine; it's Saturday morning and it's my damn house anyway. Why should I waste my time getting all dressed up for some church girl that will probably bolt the minute she sees me hobbling into the room on my crutches. My mood and my emotions are all over the map as I make my way towards the living room; part of me wants to just go back to my room and hide under the blankets for the rest of the day. I don't do that because then dad will accuse me of slipping again; slipping back into my depressive state that I was in after the accident. Can you blame me for being a little depressed after I found out I would never be a normal teenager again?

When I get into the living room I find it completely empty; good maybe she got tired of waiting for me and left already. When I hear my dad laughing in the kitchen and hear him talking to someone I realize that; shit, she's still here. Might as well get this over with. When my crutches hit the hard wood floor of the kitchen with a loud thump my dad and the girl turn to look at me. When I see Faith sitting at the kitchen counter my stomach does a flip so hard that I almost gag at the sensation. What the hell is she doing here? I can't move; my already dead legs refuse to take me from the spot I am standing in and my mouth is hanging open as I watch her jump down off the stool and make her way towards me. She has a warm smile on her face and her thin arms hug my waist tightly; her long black hair is tied back into a messy bun and she doesn't have any of her black make-up on like she did yesterday. She's wearing a pair of black legging and a baggy black sweater that hangs off her shoulder; revealing her pale skin.

"Good morning Landon." She keeps her hands on my waist as she looks up at me with her brown eyes.

"G-good morning. Wh-what are you d-doing here?" I embarrassingly stammer as her hands remain on my waist and her large brown eyes look at me expectantly.

She lets go of me and takes a small step backwards and looks me up and down quickly before looking in my eyes.

"I came to see you silly. Since when do you stutter? I didn't notice you had a stuttering problem yesterday."

I clear my throat and avert my eyes away from her; not because I don't want to look at her but because I can feel my dad's eyes on the two of us standing in the kitchen as we have our shaky conversation.

"Dad, don't you have something else to do?"

"Oh…um…yeah I do actually. I have a few errands to run so I will just go run those errands and leave you two kids alone." Christ my dad just winked at me! He is so embarrassing; I know Faith saw him wink at me because she giggled and her cheeks turned pink as she quickly looks at the floor to avoid my dad's eyes.

"Are you going to the grocery store dad?" I ask in the attempt to make this uncomfortable fog that is in the kitchen lift slightly.

"Yeah, did you need me to pick you up anything special?"

"Nothing special just more cereal; we are almost out."

Dad walks over and places his hand on top of Faiths shoulder as he grins at me; I could literally hit him with one of my crutches right now because of how embarrassed he is making me feel right now.

"Landon would eat cereal for every meal if I let him get away with it."

"Well looks like that's another thing we have in common then Landon; I could eat cereal every day too." Her warm smile is telling me that my dad isn't even making her uncomfortable.

"Teenagers." My dad mumbles as he grabs the car keys and leaves the house. I hobble over to the cupboard to get a coffee cup down and I keep my back to her as I ask her:

"Did you want a cup of coffee?"

"You dad already gave me some coffee; do you need help with that or anything?"

I can't help the grin on my face as I turn around and use my skills to carry my coffee over to the counter; where I place my cup right beside hers as I narrow my green eyes at her.

"You're sitting on my stool you know."

She doesn't say anything to my attempt at a joke; instead she just moves to the other stool. I take my seat beside her and begin to intently study my cup of coffee that sits in front of me. I look at her half empty cup of coffee that sits right beside me and can't help but notice the heavy amount of milk in it. Feeling playful I lift up her coffee cup and take small sip before I grimace and place her coffee in front of her folded hands on the counter.

"Do you always drink coffee with that much milk and sugar in it Faith?"

"I don't really like coffee but the way your dad offered it to me made me feel like I would hurt his feeling if I didn't accept his offer."

"He has that effect on people. So you never answered my question."

"What question was that?"

"What are you doing here?"

"I did answer your question; I told you I was here to see you."

"Yeah but why?"

"Do you want me to leave? I'm sorry I just showed up here like this. I would have called or texted you but I didn't have your number."

She gets off her stool and starts to walk towards the door to leave; I have to stretch to grab her wrist to keep her from walking away further.

"Please don't leave." Damn it I sound so pathetic. She looks down at my hand as it grips her wrist and I quickly let her go as I mutter an apology for grabbing her in the first place. She just smiles and takes her seat again before she takes a sip from her coffee and makes a strange noise as she wrinkles her nose.

"Ewe it's cold."

"Do you want me to get you some more?"

"No, I don't even like coffee anyhow."

"Do you want something else then?"

"No thank you."

"Does Jake know that you are here?"

"No, why?"

"He's my best friend and I don't…"

"I'm not even dating him Landon; we just hang out sometimes."

I look at her and her brown eyes almost look angry as she stares back at me. This is awkward.

"Why do you hang out with him?"

"What happened to him being your best friend?"

"He is…what do you mean…I'm confused."

She throws her head back in laughter; the sound is music to my ears but I still feel confused.

"The way you sounded when you asked me why I hang out with Jake just sounded like you are appalled by the idea of it."

"Sorry." I mumble.

"I like fighting with him I guess."

"Fighting?"

"Yeah we call each other names and it's funny; plus sometimes he feeds me. Those reasons sound really stupid now that I have said them out loud actually."

"But you two kiss and stuff." Jeez I sound like an idiot.

"Kiss and stuff?" She raises her eyebrows at me.

"Well yeah; you know what I mean."

"No I don't actually; what has Jake told you?"

"Come on Faith; we're dudes; he tells me pretty much everything."

"Men are such pigs."

"I didn't say I enjoy listening to the things he tells me."

"I take what I said back then; Jake is a pig."

"That's not very nice you know. Jake just wants to have fun and I think with the right girl he will lean to settle down a little bit."

"There he is; there is the protective friend I met last night."

"Do you find amusement in confusing other people Faith?" I snap.

"No…I'm sorry Landon; I didn't mean to make you mad."

"Why are you here?" My voice is low.

"I really liked talking to you last night; I just thought maybe you might have liked talking to me too but maybe I was wrong. I think I might have made a mistake coming here so I should just go."

"No! Please don't go! I do…I did…I mean I do like talking to you and I want you to stay and talk to me it's just…" I trail off when I see her eyes fill with the look of sadness at my pathetic plea.

"So let's talk then. I get why you might feel a little strange when it comes to Jake but you should know that you don't need to worry about that. I don't think I want to spend any more time with him; I don't want him kissing me stuff and as much as it might seem fun to banter back and forth with him; that is really all we ever do. Jake doesn't even talk to me; he doesn't tell me things about himself and he never asks me anything about myself; hell he doesn't even know my last name. Most of the time he ignores me all together; at least until he…well anyhow." She trails off and bites at her lip.

"So you just fight with him and let him…well never mind… even though you don't really want him to; what else do you do with the rest of the time you spend with him? Surely you don't spend half a day with him and only manage to call each other a couple of names and you know..."

"He talks about you." She whispers.

"Seriously? What do you mean he talks about me?"

"He talks about you all the time. He has told me some funny stories about the two of you growing up together. He told me that you are his best friend and that he is really going to miss you when he goes off to college. He said he would make an effort to come and see you as much as he can when he is away. I feel like I know you already because of all the things Jake has told me about you; I think that's part of the reason why I kept hanging out with him. I enjoyed listening to him talk about this friend of his; when he asked me to go to the concert part of me wanted to blow him off but then he said you were going and I couldn't wait to meet you."

I don't know what to say to her right now; the way she is looking at me makes me feel like I'm under a microscope right now. I can only imagine some of the so-called funny stories that Jake must have told her; that doesn't bother me but why didn't he tell her about my accident? Maybe he did tell her, maybe he told her about Amanda too and how she broke my heart. I was surprised at how badly Jake took my and Amanda's breakup; he was almost as heartbroken as I was. He told me he thought Amanda and I were going to get married and start a family and live happily ever after.

I shuffle off the stool and begin to make my way out of the kitchen but I feel her small hand press against my lower back.

"Where are you going?" She asks.

"I need to go lay down for a little bit; my spine hurts from those shitty seats at the concert yesterday." I mumble to her as I continue to go to my room. I have the most confusing feeling in my chest right now. On one hand I don't want her to leave but on the other hand I feel like I want her to go away and never come back again. I somehow feel violated by the fact that Jake told her so much about me; yet he never mentioned that to me; he never even talked about Faith; he really only told me that he was hanging out with some girl he met at a rave. After I settle into my bed and put my crutches in their usual place I look up to see Faith standing in my door way.

"Do you want me to get you anything before I leave?" Her question sounds so sad as her brown eyes look at my pathetic body lying on my bed.

"No I don't need anything; I just needed to lay down for a little bit. You don't have to leave if you don't want to but I understand if you want to."

She smiles widely and does this weird little skip into my room before hopping onto the end of my bed where she squeezes my big toe between her small fingers. I fight the urge to giggle with delight; there is a girl in my room and she is sitting on my bed. Damn the urge to giggle is replaced with nervousness as the smile slips from her face when she looks up at me.

"Do you hurt all the time Landon?"

"No…just sometimes. I'm supposed to take these pills the doctor gave me every day to manage the pain but they make me feel funny so I don't take them unless I am having a really bad day."

"Can I ask you a stupid question?"

"Sure." I chuckle when I see her chewing at her lip; she is nervous; this should be a good question then if she is nervous.

"Can you feel anything…like your legs and stuff…I'm sorry I guess I am just trying to understand more about all of this…you know what never mind…I'm an idiot."

"No it's okay…I think I understand the question. My legs have some feeling in them but they mostly feel numb all the time…kind of like how your hand will fall asleep and it gets all numb…that's how my legs feel most of the time…the numbness is why I won't ever be able to walk without the crutches…I get a lot of pain in my spine and sometimes my legs hurt too. It probably sounds strange but I actually like it when my legs hurt…because at least then I feel something other than numbness in them."

"So you can feel my fingers on your toe?"

"Yeah I can feel that…not like before my accident but I can feel you touching me. Watch…see I can even move them." I say as I move my foot from side to side as I wiggle my toes.

"Wow! That's…pretty cool actually…are they numb too or is it just your legs?"

"They get a little numb too from poor circulation but the problem isn't my legs or feet; the problem is in my spine. I thought Jake told you all about me; didn't he explain all this to you?"

"He never really talked about that stuff…I mean he told me that you used crutches to walk but he didn't tell me why and when I asked him he just changed the subject. If it makes you feel any better I don't think the reason why he wouldn't talk about that stuff was because it embarrassed him or anything…shit I am rambling…sorry Landon."

"Jake doesn't feel the need to talk about my crippled body because he is one of the few people that actually cares about me; Jake still thinks of me as the same person that I was before my accident. He isn't ashamed of me he just…I guess he just feels like my disability isn't the most interesting thing about me to talk about. He prefers to tell people storied about our childhood instead; that's why he will always be my best friend."

"You have really pretty eyes."

"What?" Does this girl have ADD or something? We were talking about Jake and all of the sudden she tells me I have pretty eyes.

"I wanted to tell you that last night."

"You wanted to tell me I have…pretty eyes? That's kind of weird you know? I'm a dude and dudes don't have pretty eyes."

"Well you do; I think you do anyhow. Who says dudes can't have pretty eyes?"

"Dudes; dudes say that…but I guess…thank you…thank you for the compliment…if that is what you meant it as I mean."

"It wasn't really a compliment; just an observation I guess; like when I told you that you smelled good but you're welcome though. God I am being so weird today; you make me weird Landon. I am never weird and you make me weird; I'm not sure I know how to feel about that." She trails off as she begins to chew at her bottom lip.

"It's okay most people feel weird around me."

"I don't mean it like it's a bad thing…just something I'm not used to feeing I guess."

"You have pretty eyes too."

"Me? My eyes are just boring brown; I'd kill to have your green eyes and your dimples too; I'd kill to have those dimples."

"Wow! Are you flirting with me? I only ask because it's been a long time since a girl flirted with me and I'm not sure that is what you are doing right now so if it's not; then save me from embarrassing myself further please."

She laughs that hearty, natural laugh that I find myself enjoying more each time I hear it and I chuckle when she swats my foot with her hand as her cheeks turn red.

"Way to call me out like that Landon; wow I am totally blushing right now; I never blush."

"I will take your blushing as a yes to my question then."

"I guess I was flirting with you. Cut me some slack here though Landy; you are a good looking boy and I think you are lying to me when you say it's been a long time since a girl has flirted with you. Girls must flirt with you all the time."

My heart skips a beat when she calls me Landy; the way she said it made me think she likes the way my name sounds in her mouth. My teenage hormones are in over drive right now because of this girl sitting on my bed.

"I don't lie. The last girl that ever even came close to flirting with me was probably my ex-girlfriend. Before my accident girls flirted with me all the time but I had a girlfriend so I always just ignored their come-ons."

"From what Jake has told me about Amanda it sound like it's a good thing that she is your ex."

"It is actually; I didn't always feel that way but I am glad that she is my ex now. Amanda was the first girl I fell in love with but she changed so much that by the time she broke up with me; she was a completely different person."

"She broke up with you? Jake made it sound like you broke up with her."

"That sounds like him. He can be so overprotective of me sometimes. Amanda dumped me when she found out I wouldn't be able to walk anymore."

"What a bitch…oh sorry; I shouldn't have said that; I don't even know her."

"It's okay you don't have to be sorry…Jake calls her a bitch all the time and it doesn't bother me…actually he always refers to Amanda as the 'shallow bitch' whenever she comes up in conversation."

"Good…I'm not sorry then…I agree with Jake she is a shallow bitch; you are better off without someone like her around."

"Jake has another name for her too."

"Oh really and what would that be?"

"He calls her the 'mind fucker' sometimes."

"Why?"

"Because that's what she does…or I should say did to me…she won't do that to me anymore; I can't let her tear me down more than I already am. I have some dignity left after all."

"What did she do to you?" Her words sound almost angry or protective even and her brown eyes are locked on my face.

"She came back to me after she broke up with me…three times actually…every time was the same…every time she would come over crying and saying how much she missed me…but she would always change her mind the very next day…after the last time I told her to stay away from me. I changed my cellphone number so she would stop texting me and so far it's been almost eight months since she has mind fucked me…well until yesterday anyhow."

"Yesterday? What happened yesterday?" There's that protective tone again. My mind feels torn between thoughts of laughing at her almost feral words and pulling myself up to grab her in a tight hug.

"She was at the concert with her boyfriend…she tried to talk to me and at first I was that pathetic idiot all over again when I first saw her but I was proud of myself when I walked away from her."

"Good for you Landy! Just for the record I don't think you are an idiot and I don't think you are pathetic."

"Oh! Before I forget; I wanted to tell you how impressed I was with you last night."

"Impressed? Why?"

"I was watching you at the concert and I noticed that you sang along with all the songs; I think you might know the lyrics better than I do."

"Oh…I didn't realize you were paying so much attention to me…" Shit…I think I might have just creeped her out by telling her that I was watching her.

"I didn't mean to like stare or anything…it's just…well I kind of people watch; sorry if I creeped you out."

"No, no you didn't creep me out; I think it's kind of sweet actually."

"I don't know about sweet but it was cool seeing someone else that loves Death Punch enough to learn the lyrics."

"I do love them; some of the lyrics hit close to home for my you know."

"You should go without make-up more often you know; you are really pretty and all that dark make-up only hides your pretty face." Christ! Why did I just blurt that out?

"Now who's flirting?" She chuckles and I relax a little.

"I wasn't flirting I was just making an observation." I wink at her and when she smiles I smile back at her.

"That's why I wear all that make-up though; so I can hide." Her tone is serious.

"What are you hiding from?"

"People." She whispers.

AUTHORS NOTE:

Thank you for reading and please remember to take a quick minute to tell me what you think…with love…N…