SONG: Next To NothingARTIST:Breaking Benjamin
..."You know I'll always be around...So now I wait...I know you'll love another day...Come and take my breath away...Look me straight in the face"...
"Does it work?"
"I don't know but I like to pretend it does." Her tone is more casual than her previous serious tone.
"Then why aren't you wearing your mask today?"
"Mask? You make me sound so mysterious Landon." She chuckles.
"You are mysterious. Are you going to answer my question or should we change the subject?"
"I don't feel like I need to hide from you. I know I told you I feel weird around you but I promise that weird feeling isn't a bad thing. I guess I feel like when I talk to you I am talking to a real person; real people are so rare anymore."
"Jake's a real person."
"Not around me he isn't."
"I'm sorry…I didn't mean to sound so harsh it's just I feel weird having you here right now without him knowing about it."
"I can leave; I don't want to make you uncomfortable."
"The thing is I might feel weird about the whole Jake thing but I really don't want you to leave. I want you to stay; I want to get to know you. I mean it's only fair; Jake told you all kind of shit about me but I don't know anything about you."
"What do you want to know?"
"Uh…shit you just put me on the spot like that…I guess something little; like what is your favorite color?"
"Lame."
"Yeah, yeah but I got to start somewhere." I chuckle.
"That's true…okay sorry…don't laugh…pink is my favorite color."
"Why would I laugh about that?"
"Look at me, I wear as much black clothes as I can, I dye my hair black, and with the exception of today I usually wear black make-up…you probably thought my favorite color would be black."
"What color is your hair supposed to be?"
She lets out a small laugh and rolls her eyes before saying:
"Dark brown…a little darker than yours actually…but mine is flat and boring brown…I dye it black because then it looks shiny."
"Not to mention; if you didn't dye it black then I would clash with the rest of your…um…well black stuff."
"Right! I'm all about matching!" We both laugh.
"If your favorite color is pink then why don't you wear pink shit? Hell you could even dye your hair pink so you can match."
"Pink shit? You make me laugh you know that Landon…seriously though I guess all the black is part of the so-called mask that I wear…helps me hide better when I wear all black…pink would draw too much attention to myself…wow…this simple conversation about colors is making me feel things…I'm not sure I like that."
"Feel things? What do you mean?"
"I guess I never really analyzed my reasoning for hiding behind my mask before and now you have me analyzing those reasons…now I feel shit…shit that I don't want to feel I guess..." She trails of as her eyes grow distant.
"What are you hiding from?" I ask softly in an attempt to pull her attention back towards me.
"Can we talk about something else?"
"Sure if you want to but just for the record I think you would look pretty in pink shit."
Thank god she is laughing at my joke; I feel like our previous conversation might have touched on a subject that she isn't comfortable talking about.
"I'll be sure to wear a bright pink dress next time I come over then; I will even put pink bows at the end of my braided hair just to make you happy."
"Are you going to change into a five year old too Faith?"
"No! God Landon what am I going to do with you?"
"Nothing too bad I hope; I mean come on I'm already crippled over here; give a guy a break."
She stops laughing and her brown eyes are serious when she looks at me.
"Landon…" She whispers.
"Sorry I didn't mean anything by that; Jake and I joke around like that all the time so I guess it just came out. Next time huh? Do you plan on coming over here again?"
She doesn't answer my questions; she just sits there looking at me as she purses her lips. I wonder if my questions about whether or not she will return might have been a little too forward; she was probably only kidding around when she said the next time she came over she would wear pink. After almost a full minute of her staring at me; her mouth goes slack and her eyes shift from my face to the wall behind me. Another minute ticks by before she looks at me again.
"Look…um…there is kind of a specific reason why I came here today. I really did want to talk to you but I also wanted to…well to thank you for saying what you said last night. It really meant a lot to me that you stuck up for me when that asshole Tad called me names."
"You don't have to thank me for that; it was the right thing to do. I'm sorry if he hurt your feelings but try not to let it bother you too much; Tad is a douche bag to pretty much everyone."
"He didn't hurt my feelings; I'm used to people saying things like that to me so it doesn't bother me anymore. It was just nice hearing someone stick up for me. You didn't even know me when you stuck up for me which is more than I can say for Jake. So thank you Landon."
"You're welcome." I just leave it at that because I'm not sure what to say to her. The truth is, I might not have spoken more than ten words to this girl before standing up for her but it was still the right thing to do. The way she looked at me when she explained how much it meant to her that I said something to Tad makes me feel a strange sensation in my stomach. Her eyes are looking at the wall behind my head once again as I take the time to look at her. I nearly jump when I hear her voice.
"I kind of want to kiss you right now." She mumbles but I still heard her. She still won't look at me and her statement about wanting to kiss me makes my pulse quicken. I stay quiet as I wait for her to look at me and after a moment her brown eyes are on me again.
"So kiss me then." I say with surprising confidence.
"No. The moments ruined now; plus we both have coffee breath."
My heart is still pounding at the thought of her actually wanting to kiss me even after she changed her mind. I find myself pulling my body up to a sitting position as I awkwardly shuffle towards her at the end of my bed; she eyes me suspiciously but makes no attempt to move away from me. I place my fingers under her chin and lift her face to mine; where I brush my lips against the side of her mouth near her lips; testing her. Her pale hand lands on my face as she kisses my mouth and I embarrassingly moan at the feeling of her lips against mine; it's been almost a year since I have kissed a girl; kissing her feels amazing. My moan makes her pull away from our kiss and her brown eyes are somehow more alive when she looks at me.
"Sorry." I croak. Fuck I'm such an idiot.
"Well aren't you just a smooth operator Landy?" She says jokingly but her tone can't hide the blush on her sharp cheekbones. It means the world to me that she didn't comment on the pathetic moaning noise I made when she kissed me back. My lips are still tingling with the sensation of the contact with her soft mouth. Seeing the blush on her skin makes me think she liked the way I kissed her and I pull confidence that I didn't know I had out of my ass when I begin to speak to her.
"You said the moment was ruined but I like to make my own moments." My voice is low and rough; heavy with the sound of long forgotten seduction.
"Yes…I can see that. Is my face red? It feels like it's on fire right now."
I brush my fingers over her cheek as my green eyes burn into her brown eyes and I feel the corner of my mouth twitch up into a grin.
"Not red…just the perfect shade of pink…your favorite color looks good on you Faith."
She attempts to look casual as she shuffles her body a few inches away from me but the way her pulse pounds in her neck I get the feeling that I might actually be making her uncomfortable. I need to get a grip on my raging hormones right now before I end up scaring her off. Mild flirting is one thing but I'm sure the way I was looking at her suggested something much more intimate; if there ever is any kind of hope for this girl returning to this house then I need to back the fuck off. Besides the fact that I don't want her to leave or never return again; my brain keeps screaming at me for betraying my best friend; Jake is going to kill me if he finds out I kissed his girl.
"Hmm…I think maybe…shit…I probably shouldn't have kissed you." She says as I watch her as her teeth sink into her bottom lip with nervousness. What is she nervous about though? Does she regret saying she wanted to kiss me? Did kissing me feel gross or something? Is she sickened by the fact that she just kissed a crippled kid? Is she worried about Jake too?
"I was the one who kissed you remember? I'm sorry for being so forward and I'm sorry for making you feel uncomfortable. Please say you will accept my apology Faith."
Her brown eyes go wide and she releases her lip from her teeth as she takes in my regretful words; my downcast eyes shift back to her face when she shifts her body towards mine. She's so close that her knee is pressed up against my thigh and her body is turned in the opposite direction of mine so that she is sitting beside me but facing me at the same time. Her pale fingertips are slightly cool as she rests them against my cheek; she has her head tilted to the side in thought as though she is trying to read my eyes.
"No, I didn't mean it like that at all; I just don't want you to think I'm some kind of slut or something. Jake…well I know there isn't anything serious between Jake and I but I still feel guilty about kissing you when I haven't had a clear conversation with him about our status."
"So kissing me didn't make your skin crawl?"
"No. Why would kissing you make my skin crawl Landon?"
"I…because of me being crippled and all."
"Wow…Attention: pity party alert; guest of honor Landon."
"Huh?" I am so confused right now.
"Now you have a deer in headlights look on your face. A few minutes ago you were smooth as silk and full of confidence but now you are acting like a scared puppy." She has the look of amusement on her face and I nearly flitch when her fingers slide from my cheek and into my hair where she grips my thick curls tightly.
"I don't mean to seem so confused but I am; it's been a long time since I have been around a girl like this. I know you think I was acting all smooth before but to be honest with you I think my raging hormones may have taken over. I didn't mean to sound like I was looking for pity or anything; it's just I really enjoyed kissing you and when you said you shouldn't have kissed me…I don't know…I guess I thought maybe I grossed you out or something."
"I love how you aren't afraid to say things to me; lets me know that you realize I would never judge you for the things you want to say. I mean most guys would never argue if a girl told them they were a smooth operator; most guys would just chock it up as a win and go with it but you just admitted to me that your hormones are out of control."
"Help me out here then please; you say you like my honesty; you say you like my eyes and my dimples; you think I smell good; you have your hands in my hair as we speak; yet you regret kissing me."
"I never said I regretted kissing you; I only said I probably shouldn't have."
"Why then? I don't think you are…sluty or anything…is it really Jake or is it something else?"
"It really is Jake; I need to have a conversation with him about all of this now."
"Why? We don't have to tell him about the kiss."
"No, we wouldn't have to tell him about the kiss if that particular kiss was the first and last one but…"
"But what?" I can't hide my excitement at the thought of her maybe wanting to kiss me again.
"That might have been the first time I kissed you Landon but I have a feeling that it will definitely not be the last time." My breath hitches when she uses her other hand to twist my lip ring between her fingers.
"Does that mean I might not be that out of practice?" I ask shyly.
"You aren't out of practice; trust me." A blush of color floods to her cheeks.
"No?" I whisper as my fingertips slide under her chin.
"No, not at all."
"Do you like the way I kissed you?" I inch my face closer to her.
"Yes…it's taking everything in me not to kiss you again."
"Why don't you want to kiss me again?" I whisper as I move a little closer; my breathing is coming out in small pants as I anticipate tasting her mouth again.
"I do want to kiss you again…but…"
"So kiss me then." I can't keep my eyes off her lips.
"I can't…it's not right…I already feel guilty."
"Me too…yet I still want to…yet I wouldn't stop you…in fact I would even kiss you back…I feel even worse because he's my best friend…shit…I feel like I might explode if I don't feel your lips on mine…"
Just before I can capture her mouth with mine; she jumps off my bed and moves far enough away from my bed that I couldn't reach her if I tried.
"We can't Landon; I'm really sorry that we already let it go this far but we can't."
"Relax Faith; it was only one kiss." I say dismissively to try to ease the tension in the room.
"I should probably get out of here." Her voice is low and she won't look at me as she begins to chew at her bottom lip.
"I understand if you want to leave but you really don't have too; I promise to behave from now on; in fact if you stay out of my reach then you are guaranteed to be safe from me because it's not like I can jump up and grab you or anything." I attempt to lighten the mood with a little joke; unfortunately I am having trouble hiding the disappointment in my voice.
"Stop that!" She snaps. Her brown eyes are full of anger when she finally looks at me. She is no longer chewing on her lip and she has her hands on her hips.
"Stop what?"
"Making fun of yourself. I get that you and Jake might think it's funny but it's really not."
"It's not that I think it's funny but what would you rather have me do; make a joke or be all down and depressed about it? You don't know me and you don't know how things were for me after I got home from the hospital. I had so much going for me; I was on the right path for my education; I had a girlfriend; I had tons of friends; I could fucking walk…when I got home I wallowed in my own self-pity for too long. I stayed in my room; stayed in bed. I acted pathetic and helpless; I made my dad do everything for me…even shit he knew I could do by myself. It's probably my own fault that I don't have friends anymore because I pushed everyone away for too long. Even Jake was afraid to come around for a few weeks because I was so bad. You should just go…Jake is my best friend and I fucked up by kissing you…he deserved to know about this so whether or not you speak with him about this; I am telling him that I kissed you. Jake is all I have left…he's the one person that I can depend on…he's the one person that makes me feel fucking normal…he…means more to me then you will ever know…if it wasn't for him…I probably wouldn't…please just go home Faith."
"Probably wouldn't what? What did you mean if it wasn't for Jake; you probably wouldn't what?"
"Please go home Faith."
"Okay…I'll go home but just so you know; you are right; I don't know you Landy but I want to. I don't want to leave here knowing that I might not see you again. There's something about you; since the moment I met you, you have been stuck in my head and no one has ever affected me the way you do. Any time Jake would bring up your name; I couldn't wait to hear what he had to say about you. I know I just said that since I met you, you have been stuck in my head but the truth is; you have been stuck in my head for the past three weeks. Jake is your friend so I will give you the space to tell him what you feel you need to and then I will tell him my side of the story; I hope you might still…want to…I don't know…be my friend maybe."
I don't say anything to her; I just look at her and after a few minutes of silence she sighs and leaves my room. After a few deep breaths I shuffle back up to the top of my bed and rest my back against the headboard before picking up my phone to send out a text.
Me: What r u up 2 right now?
Jake: 6'1"
Me: Funny but seriously r u busy?
Jake: I should b a comedian.
Me: If ur busy its cool.
Jake: Settle down or I'm coming over there 2 shove 1 of ur crutches up ur ass. I'm just watching TV. What's up?
Me: Can u come over? I need 2 talk 2 u about something.
Jake: Am I in trouble?
Me: No but I might b.
Jake: Landon! Don't fuck around! R U having a bad day?
Me: Please just come over.
Jake: B there in 10.
Me: Thanks.
Six minutes later; Jake comes busting in my room with a look of panic on his face; his eyes dart wildly around my room. The panic in his eyes; his fast arrival; it all hits me and I am overwhelmed with guilt when I realize what he must be thinking.
"Jake I'm fine. I didn't mean to freak you out or anything; there is just something I need to talk to you about and I thought it would be best to tell you in person."
"Freak me out? Landy you scared the shit out of me! I hit Mrs. Stevens's mailbox on my way over here for Christ sakes."
"I'm really sorry Jake. Mrs. Stevens is going to be pissed; that's the second time you smashed her mailbox."
"Fuck that old bitch; all I care about it you. Are you sure you are okay? You said you were in trouble."
"I'm just fine Jake and I said I might be in trouble not that I was in trouble. You will be the one to decide that fate."
"What the hell are you talking about Landon?"
"First off; I just want you to know that you are my best friend and I would never want to do anything to fuck that up."
"Stop being a fucking drama queen and tell me what's going on."
"Faith was here today."
"Faith? My faith? What was she doing here?"
"She came to see me; she said she liked talking to me last night and that she wanted to get to know me better."
"So? Why would I care if she came over here? Of course she likes you Landon; you are a cool dude and she's not shallow like most of the whores that go to our school."
"Jake you act like you just want to have fun and do your thing; you say being in relationship is too much of a commitment and that you are too young to tie yourself down to one person but…"
"But what Landon?"
"The way you said the words: My Faith…the look on your face when you talk about her…I don't know…how do you really feel about her Jake?"
"Feel! I'll tell you how I feel about Faith; she gives good head and she lets me fuck her anyway I want too; other than that well she's kind of a bitch to me. I mean don't get me wrong I get a kick out of fighting with her but sometimes it gets old."
"Maybe you should stop fighting with her then; maybe if you would actually talk to her instead of fucking her or seeing who can spit out the best insult then maybe you might see that she really isn't a bitch after all." I'm shocked at how defensive I am being over a girl I barely know.
"Oh for Christ sakes! Did she come over here and tell you she is in love with me or some shit?"
"No. I told you she came over here to see me."
"Good for the both of you; now what the fuck does that have to do with me? Why did you scare the shit out of me and make me drive like an idiot to get over here just to tell me that she came over to talk to you?"
"It has everything to do with you because I…kissed her."