Rachel watched the snow come down outside of the synagogue, declaring that it truly was December and almost Christmas and Hanukkah. She sat in temple with her fathers and her Nana who had come down for a weekend visit as she tried to ignore Noah Puckerman and his lewd gestures. She said her prayers in Hebrew, and followed the ancient traditions that her synagogue followed, but her heart wasn't in it. Normally it brought her comfort to take part in these traditions that have gone on for centuries, but nothing had given her comfort in a while. Her heart hadn't been into anything for a few months now, actually ever since the Halloween dance when she and Finn had made love on the prop bed and then he promptly disappeared. She had laid on the prop bed curled up sobbing uncontrollably for a while until she realized Kurt and his parents would be looking for her. She had cleaned herself up, redressed and fixed her makeup using the stage kit before going back to the dance.
Kurt had admonished her for her messed up hair, but didn't say anything else, because the look on her face told him that she was upset. He didn't push for any info and she didn't offer. She just wanted to be alone after that. The next day she broke up with Jesse at the Lima Bean. She couldn't keep leading him on when her heart didn't belong to him. She was surprised how docile he was, no dramatics at all with the break up. She expected shouting and posturing and attention seeking, but instead, Jesse simply leaned over, kissed her forehead and wished her well before he walked out. His simple sweetness had caused her to breakdown again in the middle of the Lima Bean tears falling into her soy latte.
November for Rachel had been nothing but school, rehearsing for West Side Story and glee. She still went to the Hudson/Hummel's for Friday night family dinners, but guilt ate at her for keeping her contact with Finn a secret. So to make amends she helped Carole cook and kept the topics of conversation light or school related, and stayed away from relationships and Finn. During one dinner Burt had brought up how the holidays were special for couples and Rachel had promptly started to sob at the table, causing Kurt to tell them it was due to her breaking up with Jesse and Carole admonishing Burt and making the topic off limits.
The first practice for West Side with props had caused another flood of tears when Rachel had to sit on the bed that she and Finn had made love on, but now it was Blaine singing to her, and it felt so wrong. Finn was her Tony; she always pictured Finn kneeling at her bedside, declaring his undying love for her instead of Blaine's Tony. The musical had been hard, but Rachel was professional and despite her feelings and emotions, she channeled them into the most heartbreaking Maria Ohio had ever seen. She had done such an awesome job that even Coach Sue Sylvester admitted on the nightly news that she had shed a tear or two over Rachel's portrayal.
After the musical, Rachel had really stopped interacting with her peers outside of on a need to basis. Free time was spent studying up on ghost folklore, questioning her rabbi and Carole's priest on the beliefs of their religion on ghosts. She had even gone as far as bringing in a paranormal group and a psychic into the school, after hours, to try to get in contact with Finn, but all that did was leave her even more alone, since they said Finn wasn't attached to the this world anymore. What the hell did that mean anyway? Finn was still firmly attached to this world! His mom was here, Kurt, Burt and her, wasn't she important enough to him to still be attached to them?
Her lack of interaction and sudden obsession with the paranormal seemed to have sparked worry in several teachers and classmates. Which lead her to her current situation of sitting across from Miss Pillsbury and her impeccably clean desk, looking at the red headed guidance counselor, who was nervously playing with a pamphlet, while Rachel impatiently taped her foot waiting for the woman to speak.
"Ra-Rachel, several friends and teachers have come to me concerned about you. They've noticed that you've lost weight, aren't your normal, peppy, bossy, and obsessed self. You're giving away solos in glee. All you seem to do is come to school, go home or go over to Kurt Hummel's house. It has everyone concerned Rachel. What do you have to say?"
Rachel shrugged, "Nothing, it's the holidays and winter and it's a normal time for people to feel down, especially those that don't have someone in their lives. I'm alone at what is supposed to be the happiest time of the year, so I'm down. And when was it wrong to throw myself into my school work. I want to make sure I'm accepted into all the colleges I applied to so I have a choice, is that so wrong?" Rachel avoided her counselor's large inquisitive eyes as she spoke, afraid Miss Pillsbury would detect the truth.
"Well, while all of that is true, you still aren't your normal self. You didn't even tell Jacob Ben Israel to shove it when he propositioned you to join him in the janitor's closet. That's not like you sweetie. You just seem to go through the day in some sort of daze."
Rachel pushed her chair back nosily and stood up, "While I'm glad you are concerned, but I'm fine and I need to get to Physics, so if you'll excuse me." She headed to toward the door when what Miss Pillsbury said next stopped her cold.
"I know you've been talking to people about the paranormal and checking books on ghosts and the after-life." Rachel turned around and looked at the counselor and slowly came back to the chair she had just vacated and sank down into it. Miss Pillsbury took it as her cue to continue, "We have surveillance of you sneaking in the school after hours during an AA meeting with a local paranormal team, and you went to Finn Hudson's old locker, the hall where you were attacked and the auditorium. You were asking them if Finn was still present and if you could talk to him." Rachel felt the woman's hand cover hers in what should have been a comforting manner, but it brought none. "He's gone Rachel, he's not coming back. I know you are good friends with Kurt and have become close to Finn's mother and step-father, but you didn't know Finn when he was alive, you two kept to completely different circles, so why all the interest?"
Rachel just stared at the older woman and shrugged, because there was no way she could tell her the truth.
"Well, I have a pamphlet for you to read that may be some help. If you have any questions after you've read it, please come see me. My door is always open."
Rachel took the pamphlet and walked out of the office. When she went down the hall, she stopped and read the title "The After Life is No Life for You." Rachel just chuckled and threw it away in the nearest trash can before she headed to Physics.
By the end of the day, she was spent and was going to skip glee and go home to get some sleep. She hadn't been sleeping well since she started meeting the paranormal group every Wednesday when the school stayed open late for the AA meetings, and her research on how to bring Finn back to her, she was just tired. As she grabbed her books and bag, she shut her lock only to jump at Kurt standing right there, waiting for her, "Oh my gosh Kurt. You scared the crap out of me. What are you doing?"
"I came to escort you to glee. Mr. Schue is going to pick the soloist and duet partners for sectionals, aren't you coming?" Rachel saw Kurt's brow furrow as he took in her books and her bag, ready to go home.
Rachel fell against the locker and looked at Kurt, "I'm sorry Kurt. I forgot. I'm just really tired and was going to go home and rest. Why don't you text me with who he picks this year, okay?" Rachel turned to walk away until she felt Kurt's hand on her arm, stopping her.
"No Rachel. You aren't going home. I'm really worried about you. For the last three years you have been cutthroat to get your solos for competition and always the first at practice. Now you barely show up. I'm scared Rachel. I don't want to lose you like a lost Finn." Rachel visibly gulped at the mention of Finn. She missed him so much. "Come on, I'm taking you somewhere. We both can skip glee. I'll just text Mercedes to give Mr. Schue an excuse for us and tell us who got the parts. I need you to see something."
Rachel just stared at Kurt as he texted Mercedes and then grabbed her books and led her to his SUV, throwing her books in the back along with his messenger bag. It had been dark and grey all day and now snow started coming down softly, covering up the dirty snow, making it appear white and pristine. Rachel shivered, her coat not doing a good job at keeping her warm. At the next stoplight, Kurt reached back and handed Rachel a jacket, the red wool and tan leather a dead give-away for McKinley's letterman jacket.
"Why do you have a letterman's jacket Kurt? I thought your short stint in football didn't earn you one?"
"It didn't. That's a duplicate of Finn's that Figgins had made for Carole since Finn was buried in his. Carole can't look at it so I've just kept it in here. Put it on, it'll keep you warm." Rachel let her fingers trail over the patches and the stitching of Finn's name on it. Pulling it on, the jacket was almost like a robe on her, but it was warm and if she closed her eyes and pretended, she could almost smell Finn on it, even though he'd never worn it. She just hugged it closer to her and watched the snow fall as Kurt drove on, silence overtaking them.
After another fifteen minutes, Rachel saw where they were, a cemetery. Rachel looked at Kurt quizzically as he drove through the cemetery almost on automatic pilot, "Kurt, why are we here?"
Kurt stayed silent but stopped the SUV and sat for a moment, before looking at Rachel, "I'm worried about you. You've lost all zest for your life. You've lost what makes you, Rachel Barbra Berry, and I don't like it. I thought maybe I could shock you a little into being more of yourself." Rachel just sat there; her mouth set in a firm line as Kurt walked around and opened her door. Rachel just sat there, her covered arms crossed over her chest, but the extra length of the sleeve covering her hands made it more comical than furious. "Please Rachel. I know you've never been here, but I want to show you and tell you something, so please come out." When she looked at Kurt she saw his eyes glistening with tears, and her heart broke. Whatever he was going to tell her and show her meant a lot to him and so for him, she slowly grabbed his hand and stepped out, wrapping her arms around her body once again.
Rachel watched Kurt walk nimbly over the grass, avoiding walking over anyone's grave, and Rachel followed until he stopped so Rachel did too. All Kurt did was motion his head towards the headstones and Rachel felt her eyes go wide at what she saw. Two identical black granite headstones, wet with melted snow rose above the snow whitened ground. Engraved on the left was "Son; Finn Christopher Hudson; September 14th; He's protected by his father's arms." Rachel had never been to his grave before since he had always been around, and seeing it in person hammered home to Rachel that Finn was dead and gone. Tears slipped down her cheeks as she turned towards the matching headstone, "Father, Husband, Marine; Christopher Daniel Hudson; September 15th; He will always protects us." Rachel walked over and placed her hands on Finn's stone and cried. She missed him so much and this was the closest she's been to him since Halloween and it hurt so much. She lay her cheek against the cold, wet stone as Kurt spoke, "Rachel, you have to snap out of this funk before you end up like Finn! Dead, cold, buried in the ground. You have so much life in you. Hell you probably have enough life in you for two people, but something has caused you to give it up. You aren't that bright shining star that we've all learned to love and hate all at the same time, and I mean that in the best way. Finn, he just went through life. He never pushed himself, but right before he died, he realized he wasn't living; he wasn't trying to reach his potential, so he started to turn it around. He was working hard in his classes, less partying, doing more drills to improve in football, and then it was snatched from him by that semi. Rachel, you know your potential, and you're throwing it all away. I can't have you doing that. I know you didn't know Finn, but please, live your life in all it's wonderful Technicolor glory! Do it for Carole, who didn't get to see Finn do it. Do it for Finn so wherever he is, he can see what it looks like. Do it for you, but please Rachel, start living again."
Rachel turned and looked back at Kurt, tears coming down his face. Not moving from Finn's stone, she smiled at her best friend, "I promise Kurt. Things have been hard lately, and you're right, I stopped living. I promise I will get back to being my old self. I'll start by coming to every glee rehearsal and even coming up with several ideas for sets for sectionals. This year's theme is relationships, so I have a few ideas. But can I be here alone for a minute, please?"
Rachel watched Kurt step gingerly over the soft ground and leaned over kissing her head, whispering, "You're my best friend Rachel. I love you." She watched him walk back to his SUV and get in, turning the heat on.
When she saw Kurt start singing to some song on the radio, Rachel turned and laid her head on Finn's stone, tracing his name with her finger. She didn't know if he could hear her, but she would try, "Finn, if you can hear me, I love you. I love you very, very much. I've been so lost without you, it's like most of my heart is gone. I've been so different since that night that I got called into Miss Pillsbury's office for her to talk to me and hand me a pamphlet. There's no one to help me with this. And when you looked at me that night and said to make sure I have no regret, I still don't. The memory of that night plays in my mind all the time, and that warm, protective, loving feeling that I had then is what keeps me going. Kurt was right though. I'm so consumed by the loss of you that I've stopped living. So to honor you, and to be myself, I'm going to be Rachel Barbra Berry, future Broadway star, and when I win my first Tony, I will thank you Finn. Because no matter what, you are my true love. It's just too bad it had to happen after you died." Rachel kissed his name, a warmth spreading from the stone to her lips, and then with one final look, got up and walked back to Kurt, determination shining in her brown eyes.
Finn sat up suddenly realizing he wasn't in bed with Rachel anymore, but on a small bed in a small room that was filled with the sound of Rachel's sobs. Finn could hear the pain in her sobs and it made his heart clench, making it hard to breathe. "Rachel? Rachel can you hear me? Rach?" Finn yelled out in hopes she could hear him, but when her sobs started to die down, he dropped his head in defeat. She hadn't heard him. As he lifted his head, his hands were wet. Swiping at his cheeks he felt the dampness of tears on them. He was crying, real tears. He couldn't remember when the last time he truly cried was. As he dried his eyes he looked at his surrounding and realized he was in his childhood bedroom, with the too small twin bed with blue comforter, the cowboy wallpaper that his mom refused to take down since his dad had picked it out. His posters adorned the wall. His laptop, weights, drum kit and even his pile of dirty clothes next to the door were all here. He was in his old house, but that was impossible because his mom had sold it to the McPherson's e door were all here. He was in his old house, but that was impossible because his mom had sold it to the McPherson's a few months before he died. How was he in it now?
Finn was dizzy with confusion. He was actually crying, something he couldn't do as a ghost. He had seemingly slept something he didn't do as a ghost. His stomach growled with emptiness, so he was hungry something he missed being as a ghost. Did all of this mean he was alive? Was he a human again? As he sat up and swung his legs over the side of his bed, he heard his door open, and a Marine in khaki's walked into the room, sitting down swiftly in the computer chair. Before Finn could even open his mouth to ask his first question, the Marine held his hand up to stop him, "Hold on there Buck. Why don't I do some explaining before you ask all of your questions? It might save us some time."
Finn's brow creased at the man's words, "What did you call me just now?"
He watched the man scratch the back of his neck nervously before answering, "Um, I called you Buck, why?"
"It just sounded familiar, but why call me Buck when my names Finn?"
"Why don't you just sit back and listen first and then I can fill in any blanks you still have, okay? First, all of this," the man motioned around him gesturing to the room, "came from your memory. This is where you feel most safe, so this was created for you. And I'm your mentor. I'm the guy that you've yelled at and questioned without even knowing me, and you're here because you died before your time Buck. That semi wasn't supposed to take you out. There were plans for you, and with you dying the plan has been messed up a bit, but he's working on a way to make it right."
Finn sat up instantly at the words 'he's working on fixing it' his mind zooming ahead, "Does that mean I get to go back to Earth and be with Rachel? Do I get to go live my life instead of being this freaking ghost? Please say yes." Finn was pleading and would have dropped to his knees if he thought it would have helped.
"Sorry Buck, that isn't happening. What's happened has happened there is no more Finn Christopher Hudson on Earth, at least the one that lived in Lima Oho. You're dead. But if you calm down and listen instead of trying to do it all on your own, then you'll know exactly what's going on, because he can't fix the past, but he can make it right in the future." Finn thought he heard the man quietly mumble under his breath, "that was always your problem growing up, you literally went head first into everything. Poor Carole."
"Why do you call me that?" Finn asked, not sure if he heard him right, still curious over the nickname.
"Call you what? Buck? I call all men I meet and don't know their name Buck." Finn watched as the Marine rubbed the back of his neck as he talked.
"Oh. I just remember every once in a while my mom would call me that, but it was because I reminded her of my dad. Guess he used to call me Buck before he died."
"No son. I didn't know you when you were little or your momma. I was assigned as your mentor when you died. So I don't know what you're talking about, but I do know you're hungry. How'd you like some pancakes, eggs and sausage? I learned to make a mean breakfast when I was in the corps." Finn watched silently as his mentor walked out of his bedroom and down the stairs, his shoes clicking on the wood. Finn sat on his bed for a few more minutes, just thinking about everything his mentor had just said, but what really stuck out was being called Buck by the man. He remembered when he was little his mom would only call him Buck if he did something that reminded her of his dad. She said that his dad called him Buck because he said Finn was his little Buckaroo. This guy must have known his mom or have watched them since he was little because he hadn't been called Buck since elementary school; since he decided in middle school he was too cool for nicknames and asked her to stop calling him that. As Finn sat there, his stomach growled for the first time in a very long time, as the smell of frying bacon filled the air.
Finn walked down the stairs to be greeted by a large pile of pancakes with bacon and eggs on a side plate. He sat down in what had always been his spot at the table and loaded the pancakes with maple syrup and butter. The first bite was heaven, since it had been so long since he had eaten or tasted anything. He held back the moan that wanted to escape when he bit into the light pancakes and the salty bacon. Not bothering with manners, Finn wolfed down the meal and when he was finished, sat back, his stomach pleasantly full and he was suddenly tired. He hadn't felt tired in long time and his bed upstairs was now calling him.
As he walked upstairs, he started to hear the beginning of sobs again. Upon entering his room the sobs became louder, more heart wrenching and totally Rachel. She was heartbroken and Finn could feel her sadness throughout the room, and warmth spread from spot on his forehead throughout his body. It was so much that his head hurt and he lay down and curled up into a ball, trying to get the crying to stop, but it only seemed to get louder. As he covered his ears, he felt a hand on his shoulder. It was his mentor, standing there and looking very confused. "What's wrong Finn?"
"Can't you hear that?" Finn said, his eyes scrunched together, his hands covering his ears trying to deaden the sound of the sobs
Finn watched his mentor look around, "Hear what son? It's dead quiet in here."
"Rachel's crying. She sobbing and her heart hurt so much that I can even feel it. I just want it to stop; I want her to stop hurting." Finn could feel the tears start to come down his face and as he folded his arms over his chest protectively. As he laid on the bed, crying and hurting for Rachel, he felt the bed dip and then a hand on his back, lightly rubbing his spine in a hesitant but comforting manner. Finn felt his body relax as the crying started to lessen and the comfort of his mentor's hand on this back.
Finn woke up with a start, confusion buzzing through his brain. As he looked around his familiar room, everything from before came back to him. This time instead of waiting, he got up and ran downstairs, calling out for his mentor, who didn't have a name, he realized. Finally after the second search of the house, Finn found him sitting in his father's chair in the living room.
nd and leaned over kissing her head, whispering, "You're my best friend Rachel. I love you." She watched him walk back to his SUV and get in, turning the heat on.
"Don't sit there." Finn deadpanned
"What?"
"I said don't sit there. That's my dad's chair and no one gets to sit there, and even if that's not the real chair, you still can't sit there." Finn could hear the agitation in his own voice, but no one sat in his dad's chair but his mom when she was really missing his dad. Finn watched as the man got up slowly, with his hands in front of him, in an okay gesture.
Finn kept standing in the archway, agitated, "You know, I don't have a name for you other than mentor or dude. So do you have a name that I can call you? "
His mentor seemed to stop and think for a moment before answering, "Dan. You can call me Dan if that helps. So I went and did some research and talked to the man to get a clearer picture of what I was supposed to do exactly with you, and now that I know my mission, I'm ready to proceed with you."
"Wait a minute, I'm not some experiment or project. I'm a person. You can't just go messing with me!" Finn's voice was wavering with fear. He wasn't an experiment. All he wanted was to get back to Rachel, and he couldn't.
Finn felt the same soothing feeling come over him like before as soon as Dan put his hand on his shoulder, and as Finn looked into Dan's eyes, he felt instantly at ease, "How about you let me explain then before letting fear overtake you, okay Buck?"
All Finn could do was nod and sit down on the couch, as Dan started to explain.