Author's Notes:

Warning: smut in this chapter. You know, in case you hadn't guessed already. However, this is the stage in the story where if you're skipping the sex scenes, you're going miss out on some important relationship milestones, so when something comes out in later chapters that ties back to this, you may be a bit baffled if you haven't read these (I still give you permission to skip them if you choose, as this scene is marginally more explicit than the earlier sex scenes, due to being in Kurogane's POV).

Chapter Sixty-Eight

"I want all of it. I want you."

Shock flitted across Syaoran's face, the uncertainty returning. Before he could say a word, Kurogane kissed him, fierce and demanding. As Syaoran's lips parted, Kurogane unlatched the buckles holding his leg brace together. The boy jumped, a hand coiling around his wrist. "No."

"It'll get in the way." He unfastened the second buckle, freeing the brace so it would open like a briefcase.

Syaoran shook his head. "I can't."

"It's not like your knee is going to break again."

"What if it does? I've already been stuck here long enough without complications."

"It could use the exercise." The brace popped open under his fingers, revealing the vulnerable flesh beneath. The kid had lost some muscle mass in this leg; his thigh felt almost delicate under Kurogane's fingertips.

Syaoran stared at his exposed knee for a long moment, his expression strangely broken, as if he'd just witnessed something awful and had yet to regain his capacity for speech. When Kurogane felt the tremors running down the kid's body, he understood. "You're remembering it, aren't you? What happened in that basement."

"No," he said, too quickly.

"You are." Kurogane shifted so their faces were only a few inches apart. Syaoran stared at him, pale, frightened. "They can't hurt you anymore—you don't have to be afraid."

Syaoran shook his head, eyes squeezing shut.

"What happened to you back there was horrible. I know that. I know you have nightmares about it. But I will always protect you. I will always come looking for you. I won't leave you to die."

"I know."

"Then what's the problem?" he demanded.

"What if things change?"

Kurogane stared at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You say you'll protect me, and I believe you, but . . . what if, someday, you decide it's not worth it anymore?"

"That's ridiculous."

"No, it isn't!" The boy flinched at his own voice, eyes flashing open. "Wherever I go, I bring trouble. It happened in Clow, and in Tokyo, and even in this world. The fact is that I'm a lot more trouble than I'm worth." Something flickered in his eyes, gone before Kurogane could identify it. "I'm grateful you want to take care of me now—more grateful than you could ever know. But I can't be sure things will stay this way. Especially not when I consider all of this."

"This being what?"

"Us. What we did. What we're doing now. When we started, I thought you were doing it out of pity, or because I needed it. And then, I started to think that maybe it was something more than that—"

"It was more than that." It made you happy, Kurogane thought, not sure why that realization made his throat ache.

"But you pushed me away. First when Fai-san started getting suspicious, and again after he found out. You just kept pushing me away."

"I had to. You know that."

Syaoran flinched. "I know. I didn't want Sakura-hime to find out. Of course not. I knew the consequences. But I . . . There was a part of me that wished we'd stood together anyway. I wanted to be with you, even though it was selfish, even though Fai thought it was wrong. But you just kept avoiding me, so . . ."

"So what?"

"I thought . . . I just thought that you might want to fight for what we had. It was wrong of me to expect that of you, but I wanted you to. And you never did."

Kurogane sat back, stunned into silence. He hadn't expected this outpouring of desperation, hadn't thought things through well enough to predict it. I should've expected this, he thought, frowning. I should've known. It never was about sex. He wanted me to love him.

His knuckles skimmed across the kid's cheek as he laid down by his side. And for a while, the only sound in the room was the whisper of their breath. Kurogane stared at the wall, processing everything he'd been told. The kid had a way of softening him. Fifteen minutes ago, he'd been frustrated, ready to pin Syaoran to the bed and fuck him, consequences be damned. It seemed strange that the loss of control on the boy's part had helped him rein his anger in. Strange how they balanced each other out.

"I'll have to think about this one," Kurogane said, breaking the silence. Syaoran's eyes flickered to his, and he explained. "You don't want the princess to find out about this. We still have to be careful."

"Okay."

"And I will stand by you, if that's what you want, but she'll find out eventually."

"I know." His cheeks glowed deep red. A furrow formed between his eyebrows, and Kurogane recognized the look of his face. Thinking. Prioritizing. Syaoran looked at him. "But I want to do this now, before she does."

He nodded, then laid a hand on the boy's waist. "All right."

Silence filled the air again, resonating like the vibrations left after a chord. Syaoran shifted closer to him, thigh pressing against Kurogane's hip as the brace slid off the bed, landing with a thud on the cushion of clothes. Kurogane felt the tentative touch of the boy's lips against his throat, the invitation of Syaoran's skin against his. Permission without words. He hooked the boy's waistband with his thumbs and slipped his shorts off, repeating the movement a second later with his underwear. Syaoran nuzzled his neck, nose skimming across his collarbone.

Kurogane slipped off the rest of his clothes and grabbed the lotion off the bedside table. "You sure you want to do this?"

"I'm sure. It should be easier with the . . . you know."

"Right." He looked down at the bottle. No way to make this less awkward, he decided, pumping the handle until the lotion curled over his fingers. He set the bottle aside, shifting closer. Syaoran rested a hand on each of the ninja's shoulders, bracing himself. As Kurogane slid one finger into the puckered opening at the base of his tailbone, Syaoran shuddered. "You want me to stop?"

"No." He shook his head rapidly, as if to clear it. His cheeks, already red, burned brighter. "Actually, that feels kind of . . . good."

Kurogane slid his finger deeper, paying attention to the way the kid's body contracted and easing up when his soft mewling turned into something less pleased. Despite the initial awkwardness, he couldn't fault the lotion's effectiveness. Syaoran moved with him, not cringing away as he had the first time they'd gone this far, and it took only minutes to slip a second, then a third, finger inside him. When the boy's breaths increased in tempo, Kurogane withdrew. "Turn over," he said, his lips grazing the boy's earlobe.

Syaoran said nothing, rolling gingerly to avoid hurting his knee. Kurogane leaned forward, pressing his lips against the back of Syaoran's neck and running one hand down his back. "Ready?"

"Yes."

He rocked forward, pushing inside the tight opening. The boy tensed, clenching around him before relaxing again. Syaoran's fingers coiled in the sheets, but except for his rapid breathing, he didn't make a sound. Kurogane eased up, withdrawing partially before plunging in again, deeper. A muffled groan escaped Syaoran's throat. "You all right?" Kurogane asked.

"I'm fine," Syaoran gasped, dragging his blunt fingertips across the sheets. Kurogane penetrated deeper, pausing when a moan broke past Syaoran's control. He withdrew half an inch, giving the boy a moment to adjust. Syaoran's hands clamped around the edge of the mattress, knuckles turning white as he gasped like a dying koi. Still, the boy kept moving, obviously trying to coax a response out of him.

Kurogane's hands trailed down Syaoran's hips, holding him in place. He planted a kiss on the boy's spine. "You don't have to try so hard. Just let go."

"K-Kurogane-san . . ." The boy craned his neck to look at him. "I . . ."

"Yes?" They were almost still now, their bodies barely twitching.

The boy hesitated a moment, his expression growing even more uncertain. His cheeks reddened again, as if he'd developed a sunburn. "I just . . . I wanted to say . . ." He trailed off, lips pressing into a thin line.

No, Kurogane thought, his blood pressure jumping in expectation of the next words. "I know," he said quickly, trying to stop the oncoming confession before it passed the kid's lips.

"Oh." Syaoran looked down again. "You know?"

Kurogane let his fingertips trail down the boy's ribs in a desperate attempt to soothe him. "It's all right," he said. "Don't be ashamed of anything." Not even that.

Syaoran took a deep breath and shifted under him, hips gliding upward. Kurogane repressed a groan as he slid deeper into the hot, tight opening. "Okay," Syaoran said, voice strained. "Does that mean you . . . feel the same way?"

Damn it, he thought, exhaling through his teeth. "Do we really have to have this conversation right this second? I thought we were in the middle of something."

The boy tensed, tightening up. "Oh. Right. Later then."

Kurogane closed his eyes and plunged once more, up to the hilt, hoping the sensation would drive away the knot in his stomach. His thrusts started slow, then increased in tempo as the lotion made everything slick. The boy's gasps came quicker, then turned into moans, then cries of pleasure as Kurogane found a rhythm. "Kurogane-san, please," he begged, pressing his face into the pillow.

His fingernails raked across the boy's back, palms coming to rest on Syaoran's hips as he drove forward. Fire twisted through his abdomen, a collision of pleasure and pain. He thrust it aside, fingertips digging into Syaoran's thighs, their bodies quivering as they rushed toward that peak.

Syaoran let go first, a strangled cry breaking through his lips as he convulsed around Kurogane. His body, too thin and lacking the muscle mass he'd had before he'd broken his knee, trembled with the aftershocks. Kurogane thrust forward again, nearing the edge. Beneath him, Syaoran groaned, gripping the sides of the mattress for support. A moment later Kurogane felt his own staggering release, like a wildfire raking across his skin as he finally, finally let go.

He went still for several heartbeats, then withdrew, knees going weak as they always did in this most vulnerable moment. Drawing on all his willpower, he rolled onto his side and wrapped an arm around the boy's shoulders, pulling him close. Stillness settled over them, a sharp contrast to the intensity of a moment ago.

When the aftershocks ceased, Kurogane spoke. "Was it better this time?"

Syaoran nodded against his chest, breathing hard. "Yes. The lotion helped."

"Good." He pressed his forehead into the boy's hair, inhaling his familiar scent, letting the disorganized spikes prickle against the ridges of his eyebrows. Syaoran's hair smelled like upturned earth after a rainstorm. "I missed this."

Syaoran stiffened. "Really?"

He pulled back, registering the pleased surprise in the kid's voice. "Yeah. 'Course I did." Missed the sex, of course, and the feeling of a warm, eager body under his. But it was more than that. He missed the intimacy of letting his lips graze Syaoran's forehead, of pressing his face into the kid's hair. He missed having someone kiss him back with as much fire as he did, just like he missed the tender kisses afterward.

I must be going soft, he thought, holding the kid against his chest and listening as his breathing slowed. When Syaoran nuzzled his collarbone, he let out a sigh, brushing the kid's hair back. "How's the knee?"

"Not bad. I should probably put the brace back on." He started to pull away. Kurogane kept him close, readjusting their positions so he could reach the metal brace from the floor. He slid Syaoran's leg onto the device, making sure everything was in alignment. Then, with a gentleness that surprised even him, he pressed his lips against Syaoran's kneecap and let the brace close over it.