Chapter Seventy-Two

What the hell did I do now? Kurogane wondered as the front door closed. He'd barely had enough time to assure the kid that he'd come looking for him if he wasn't back by sunrise. I shouldn't have let him leave at all.

Growling under his breath, he walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of liquor from the shelf. To hell with it. If the kid was going to wander around the city, he'd enjoy his hour alone. He unscrewed the plastic cap, poured himself a tall glass of alcohol, and brought both the bottle and the glass over to the coffee table. He sat, snatching the remote from the armrest, and turned the TV on. But even after scrolling through the menu half a dozen times, he couldn't find anything that looked distracting. Frustrated, he settled on a documentary about penguins and took a deep drink from his glass.

The mage and the princess returned an hour later, as expected. Kurogane ignored them, knowing the princess probably wouldn't notice the boy's absence, and that the mage would wait until the girl retired to her room to ask questions. That conversation is going to be a fucking nightmare, he thought, pouring himself another glass of liquor to prepare himself. Bet he's been waiting for this. Probably going to scold me like I'm some stupid kid. Bastard.

"I'm going to go to bed," the princess said after a few minutes of shuffling around. Kurogane kept his gaze focused on the television, but his stomach clenched. Damn. He'd hoped the princess would wander around for a while longer, give him time to get drunk enough to deal with the mage.

"Goodnight, Sakura-chan," Fai said, in the indulgent tone he usually favored the princess with. "Sleep well."

The girl gave a soft murmur of acknowledgment, then stepped into her bedroom and closed the door. Within seconds, the vampire strode over to the couch and sat down, setting a clean glass on the table in front of him. Without a word, he picked up the clear bottle and poured himself a shot.

Silence settled over them as Fai sipped from his glass. Kurogane glared at the television screen, refusing to spark the conversation. If the mage wanted to annoy him, he'd have to make the first move.

"I didn't realize you found emperor penguins so disagreeable."

Kurogane looked over. "What?"

The wizard pointed at the television. "Your glare nearly burned a hole through that poor penguin's head."

If his glower had been piercing a moment ago, now it sharpened like an ax ground against a whetstone. "Maybe I don't like penguins."

Fai paused for a moment, seeming to consider that. His lips pulled up into a faint smile. "Amusing as this is, I think it's time to drop the penguin metaphor."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

The magician's smile faltered. He set down his shot glass. "Where did Syaoran-kun go?"

"How the hell would I know? I'm not his keeper." Kurogane snatched the bottle from where it sat and filled his glass to the brim. "He left about an hour ago. I don't know where he went." He took a long drink, letting the liquor burn down his throat and settle in his stomach.

"Did you two have a disagreement?" the mage asked after a moment.

Kurogane shrugged.

Silence passed between them. Fai poured himself another shot, swirling the clear liquid around in the glass before taking a drink. "Want to talk about it?"

"No." He turned his face back to the television, watching as a cluster of penguins huddled together on a block of ice, balancing oversized eggs on their feet. Though he'd never seen such animals in Nihon, he'd been on this journey long enough to recognize creatures from other climates. Once, it had pained him to realize how insulated his home country had been compared to many of the world's they'd visited. Now, the idea was just a dull ache. Just one more thing to be depressed about.

Fuck.

"Everything was fine." The words came out in a rush, fueled by frustration. "I shouldn't have said anything. I should've just let him talk to me on his own terms. But I knew there was something bothering him." More than that. He'd known what it was, known it was something he'd never have brought up on his own. And he didn't want to hear it—didn't even want to think about it—but maybe the kid needed to say it.

And maybe, Kurogane thought bitterly, I pushed him away too many times. "It bothered him," he continued, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "What he wasn't saying." What I wasn't saying. "It hadn't gotten too bad yet. He's still better than he was a few weeks ago."

Beside him, Fai winced.

"But it was wearing on him. I could see that. I thought getting him to talk about it would help, so I asked. And he just closed up on me."

Fai arched an eyebrow. "Do you mean that figuratively or literally?"

"Are you trying to get hit?" Kurogane demanded, rising to his feet.

The vampire raised his hands in a soothing gesture. "Just asking."

Kurogane stalked over to the television and jabbed the power button. The screen went black. The living room fell silent. "He left after that," Kurogane said quietly, the anger draining out of his voice and leaving an hollow place behind. "I told him that if he wasn't back by sunrise tomorrow, I'd come looking for him. I wanted him to know I'd always be looking out for him. And then he left."

Fai regarded him from the couch for a long moment, his expression unreadable. He crossed his legs, then uncrossed them, setting his shot glass on the table. "You care deeply about him. So deeply that it hurts you when he won't see it."

His hands curled into fists at his sides.

"Ten minutes ago, I still believed what you two had was something more based on convenience than genuine emotion. I told Syaoran-kun I wouldn't make him tell Sakura-chan about what was going on. I thought if I lifted the ultimatum, he'd be less inclined to hide this from her." He hesitated. "Being honest when the truth hurts is more difficult than any outsider could know. And being honest with yourself is harder still. I'd believed that if I took away the restrictions, the consequences, then Syaoran-kun wouldn't feel like he needed you in that way."

Fai looked up. "I see now that I was wrong. It's not convenience that motivated either of you. Or, if it was, it's not anymore. You love him."

His knuckles turned white as his fists tightened. He opened his mouth to argue, then grit his teeth, remembering that the princess slept only a room away. Or maybe she's not sleeping, he thought. Maybe the mage told her everything while they were out. Maybe she's sitting by the door and eavesdropping on this conversation right now.

"And he loves you."

Something inside him fractured, as if some critical cable holding him together had snapped. His shoulders slumped. "You don't know that."

"But you do. Don't you?"

He shook his head. "Who would be stupid enough to love me?" he said, every word dripping scorn. "Who would be reckless enough, masochistic enough, to fall in love with me?"

Fai winced. "You underestimate yourself."

"Bullshit." He turned his back on the magician, glaring at the wall as if his anger would just drain away. "I fucked up the one good thing I'd found since we landed in this world. The one thing I was trying not to fuck up. So don't you dare tell me who I care about. I don't want to hear it." He walked over to the bedroom he shared with the mage, grabbed a pillow and blanket from the wizard's bed, and tossed them into the living room before closing the door and locking it behind him. Bastard could sleep on the couch tonight for all he cared.