Olivia brought the wine bottle into the living room, and Elliot followed with the wine glasses, sitting them on the table. She opened the bottle, realizing she hadn't had a drink since she'd brought Noah home and wishing she didn't feel like she needed one now, but she had to agree with Elliot. If they were going to seriously talk, the drink might help. She poured a glass for each of them and handed one to Elliot who sat on the sofa and took a big sip. It took a moment for her to decide whether to sit next to him or in the chair across from him, eventually sinking down in the chair and pulling her legs up under her. She was still in her robe and was becoming increasingly self-conscious about it, but if she left to change they might never go through with the conversation and she needed this talk. It was three years coming and she wasn't letting him leave without an explanation.
"So…what do you want to know?" Elliot asked matter-of-factly.
Olivia sipped her wine and thought about the question. What did she want to know? Why had he left her without saying a word? Why hadn't he returned her phone calls? Why did he give up twelve years of friendship in the blink of an eye? Did he know how much he meant to her…how much he still meant to her after all this time despite her efforts to push those feelings aside? She looked at him, embarrassed by the single tear that was sliding down her cheek, "Are you okay?" she asked gently. "Because…I just don't understand…"
"God Liv, do not start crying…just don't," he sat the wine glass on the table and stood up, "I can't do this. I have to go…"
"No!" she stood to her feet, grabbing his shoulder, "You don't get to walk away from me this time. Do you understand me? Sit your stubborn ass down!" She knew she shouldn't be yelling and for a second she was worried they'd wake the baby up again, but if felt so good to finally face him that she wasn't letting him go without hearing her out. He jerked his arm away from her, but sat and picked up the wine glass, downing the rest of it in one gulp and grabbing the bottle to pour another. "Why didn't you tell me about Kathleen?" she asked.
Elliot shook his head, "Don't mention her…" he took another drink.
"Maureen told me…about the overdose," she sighed. "You could've called. You should've called, El. I loved her too…"
"I know you did," Elliot's voice was low and dark. "I couldn't call you…not after so long. It had been over year…"
"I wouldn't have cared how long it had been, El," Olivia replied gently. "You know I would've been there for you…for Kathy…for the kids…"
Elliot sighed, "Maureen took it harder than anyone. She was pregnant and her husband was cheating…then Kathleen died. I thought for a while we might lose her too." He downed his second glass of wine and quickly poured another. "I…I didn't want to live either…not at that point. Lizzie and Dick, they were in college and didn't come home much. I know they were hurting too, but they didn't show it as much. Eli was only in kindergarten…I'm still not sure he understands." He looked at Olivia, his eyes rimmed in red from the stinging tears he was attempting to hold back, "It was all my fault…"
"El…she was sick," Olivia spoke softly. "You know that…"
"She left because of me…because of what I did," Elliot argued. "That's why Kathy left me. After Kathleen died…she couldn't even look at me anymore."
Olivia couldn't believe for a second that Elliot had done anything to cause his daughter's death. She knew he blamed himself, but it couldn't be his fault. "What do you think you did?"
"I broke her heart," he let himself cry, and Olivia wasn't sure what to say. It was rare to see him so emotional and while she longed to hold him and comfort him, their time apart made the situation awkward and she didn't want to overstep her bounds.
"El…whatever you did…" Olivia whispered, "I'm sure she forgave you. She had to know you didn't mean it."
"I told her I was in love with you," Elliot admitted. "And I meant it. And I'll never forgive myself."