His words took her by surprise and she wasn't sure how to react. "Why did you tell her that?" she asked slowly. She poured a second glass of wine for herself, knowing it was probably a mistake but longing for the calming effect.

He looked up at her, "She asked me. I should've lied. God…why didn't I just lie?" He put his head in his hands and Olivia stood up and walked over to the sofa, sitting next to him.

"El…I don't understand. Why would Kathleen ask you that?" her voice shook. She put her hand on his back and he looked up at her. The pain in his eyes was heartbreaking and she wanted to turn away but couldn't. "Just tell me what happened."

"My last day at SVU…the day I shot Jenna," he forced himself to clear his throat and brushed away his tears, still fully aware of Olivia's hand gently caressing his back. "I didn't meant to do it. Just in the moment…there was no choice, Liv. She shot up the whole station…I grabbed my gun. I thought I could talk her into dropping hers, but she wouldn't. When she shot Sister Peg, I knew I had no choice. She could've killed any one of us. She could've killed you…"

Olivia nodded knowingly, "I remember…it wasn't your fault. IAB didn't treat you fairly. We all know that."

"I don't give a damn about those assholes," Elliot insisted. "I killed a teenage girl. A girl who'd lost her mother…someone we were supposed to be helping."

"But you didn't have a choice," Olivia reminded him. "She killed a lot of people, El."

He shook his head, "There's always a choice." He downed his latest glass of wine and exhaled deeply, "That night I went home and Kathy was trying to get inside my head, find out how I was feeling…like she always did…and I just lost it. Liv, I said things to her…things I'm ashamed of. Things I never should have said." He put his hands to head, rubbing his temples while Olivia moved her hand from his back to his shoulder, giving it a delicate squeeze.

"It's okay," she said softly.

"No…it's not!" he stood up and began pacing back and forth. "I told her I didn't love her. I told her the only reason I was still with her was because she got pregnant with Eli. That the only reason I married her in the first place was because I got her pregnant with Maureen."

"El…" Olivia tried to reason with him, but he wouldn't listen.

"Don't…you can't make me feel better about this, Liv." He shook his head. "I don't deserve to." He stopped pacing and looked down at her. "I ran out of the house and drove off…Kathleen followed me. I drove to your apartment. I wanted to see you…to talk to you and make sure you were okay after everything that happened."

Olivia shook her head, "But you didn't come up…"

"Because Kathleen followed me," he continued. "Before I could even get out of the car, she jumped in on the passenger's side. She said her mother was crying and hurt…asked how I could hurt her like that. I told her it wasn't her concern, but she just kept asking me…didn't I love Kathy and didn't I care about our family? She asked me why I wouldn't talk to them about what I was feeling and why I always come running to you. She asked if I was cheating on her mother with you…So I told her…"

"You told her what?" Olivia asked.

He sat back down next to her and looked her in the eyes, "I told her that no one understood me like you do. That I loved you…and I needed to talk to you that night…not Kathy…and if that was cheating, then yeah…I was cheating on her mother."

"We never did anything wrong," Olivia insisted. "You know that…" she had tears in her eyes thinking of Kathleen and how hurt she must have been thinking she and Elliot had been together.

"I did," he insisted. "I didn't love my wife…not as much as I loved you. I would've died for you, Liv. I'm not sure I would have for Kathy." His words were honest and raw. She didn't know how to respond, so she didn't. "Kathleen said she hated me. She said she wasn't going to let me treat her mom that way. She got out of the car and went home, and then I didn't have the guts to come to your apartment. So I went back home." He reached for the wine bottle, but Olivia grabbed it from his hands.

"I think you've had enough," she said with a sad seriousness.

"I don't," he grabbed it from her and poured the last of it into his glass, drinking it in one fast gulp. "When I got home…Kathy didn't even say anything. The next day, Kathleen stopped taking her medication. She said she didn't need to feel normal if I was going to screw everyone around anyway. I tried to talk to her. Hell, I even tried to have my mom talk to her. Nothing worked. And when you were calling me…wanting to talk…wanting to know if I was alright. Kathleen saw your name pop up on my cell, and she flipped out calling you a whore and saying I was using her mother. Kathy said maybe I should just move out, but I knew if I did she'd never let me see Eli. I just couldn't face you while I was dealing with that. Cragen kept calling me and telling me IAB wanted me to get help with my anger issues and finally I just told him to go to hell and I turned in my papers."

Olivia nodded. She remembered the day Cragen had told her Elliot wasn't coming back. The day she'd locked herself in the interrogation room, sobbing at the loss of the only person she'd ever been able to rely on.

"I couldn't call you, Liv," he explained as truthfully as he could. "I don't even know why. I just felt guilty about Kathleen stopping her meds because of what I'd said…and I'd hurt Kathy…I didn't want to face you. I knew if I told you I wasn't coming back that you'd look at me with those big brown eyes and I'd know I hurt you too…I couldn't do it. And after a while, it was just too long. I knew you were better off. I'd made you the other woman in my mind for too long, and never even admitted to you that I loved you. You deserved better. Kathy deserved better. My kids deserved better." He grabbed her wine glass off the table, drinking the last of it as well and wishing he had more. "Maureen got married to a jerk and moved to D.C. Kathleen ran off to California, saying she could be herself there and wouldn't have to face me. The twins were busy with college. Kathy wouldn't speak to me. I was alone…and that was what I deserved."

"You didn't deserve to be alone," she took his hand and squeezed it tight. "People make mistakes."

"The LAPD called and said they found Kathleen…" he began to sob, slow and painful cries. "We brought her body home and buried her. Kathy…I've never seen her in so much pain. There was no way she'd ever forgive me. I would never have expected her to. She moved to Jersey, filed for divorce, and took Eli. She said she wasn't going to let me screw up another kid."

"You didn't screw up Kathleen," Olivia cried. "And you didn't kill her. She was sick. She needed help and refused to get it. She didn't take her meds and she was an adult. You couldn't make her." She squeezed his hand tighter and used her other hand to brush away the tears staining his cheeks. "I understand why you couldn't call me. It's okay."

He looked at the pain in her eyes and it broke his heart, the way he'd known it would. "I have to get home," he insisted as he pulled his hand away from hers.

"You can't drive," she argued. "You've had way too much to drink…you can sleep on the couch."

He looked at her and couldn't control himself any longer. He grabbed her around the waist, pulling her close to him and pressed his lips against hers. He wouldn't have blamed her for pushing him away, but she didn't. Instead she leaned into him. When she finally did pull away, she exhaled and spoke in a quiet whisper, "or maybe you don't have to sleep on the couch."

Okay...so thanks again for all the reviews. I don't write for reviews...but they are definitely a perk. More soon...stay tuned.