Okay, so here is some more. I appreciate the reviews, follows, and favorites. I hope everyone continues to enjoy the story. More to come...
It had taken longer than she expected at the precinct and as Olivia made her way back to the apartment all she could think of was the fact that she wasn't on her A game at all that day. It had started when she walked in without Noah and Fin had asked where he was. She told him she had left him with a friend and the look on his face let her know he didn't believe she even had a friend to leave him with. Then as the work progressed she became more and more distracted, wondering if things were okay at home, and longing to leave before Elliot called the station or showed up there with the baby. She didn't want anyone to know she had talked to him, let alone left her son with him, and she wasn't even sure why. Right before lunch she'd called to check on them, and he had assured her everything was fine, but she wanted to get home and see for herself. It was a little after two when she unlocked the door to her apartment.
"I'm home…" she called as she walked in the door, then she stopped and smiled at the sight that lay before her. The living room was a mess, toys scattered everywhere and Elliot was laying on the couch, eyes closed, with Noah sleeping peacefully on his chest. Elliot opened his eyes at the sound of her voice, putting his finger to his lips to signal her to be quiet. "Rough day?" she whispered as she slipped off her shoes and put her purse on the side table.
"He just fell asleep," he said in a tired voice. "This kid has a lot of energy."
She laughed a little, and reached to pick up her son. The baby started to fuss, but quickly went back to sleep, cuddled in his mother's arms. She took him to his room and put him gently in bed, then walked back to the living room where Elliot, now sitting was looking around the room at the mess. "I'm sorry he was so much trouble," she said sincerely as she tossed a stuffed bear on the floor and sat next to him.
"He wasn't," Elliot assured her. "He just missed you." He smiled. "And I might be a little rusty when it comes to child-rearing."
"I don't believe that," she grinned. "I know you watch Kate for Maureen, and you have Eli…he's still a kid."
"Kate is my granddaughter," he reminded her. "I just spoil her rotten until Maureen comes home." He laughed. "And Eli is in second grade now. You'd be surprised at how grown up he is." His face saddened a little, "Besides…I only get him on the weekends and he spends most of that time playing video games."
"Well, Noah isn't used to being with anyone other than me or Maureen," she insisted. "I should have thought of that before I left him."
"I loved watching him, Liv…really," he smiled. "He just missed you, and I can't fault him for that. I missed you too," he leaned over and kissed her, surprised when she pulled away.
"El…I don't think we should…" she tried to explain, unable to find the right words.
He looked confused, "You wanted to last night," he reminded her. "You asked me to stay…"
"I know," she sighed. "But I think we were both overcome by emotions last night. We weren't thinking clearly about all of this."
"Thinking clearly?" he snickered and she could tell he was hurt. "You were the one that insisted I pour my heart out about everything that happened. You were the one that asked me to stay." He shook his head in defeat, "How could I have been so stupid?"
"No…El…you don't understand," she pleaded with him. "I love you. I really do."
"Sure you do," he sighed.
"I do," she insisted. "But you don't even know me anymore. I'm not the same person I was when you left, and last night, I felt like the old Olivia again…but today I have to face the fact that you love who I used to be and you don't even know me now." She looked seriously into his eyes, "And I don't know you either…not really."
"I told you everything last night," he argued. "Things I didn't want to say…things I shouldn't have said."
"And I really love you for that, El," she said softly. "You needed to say those things, and I needed to hear them. And we both know we could go in my bedroom and close the door and let ourselves get carried away with the emotions we are feeling, but it wouldn't change a damn thing. You'd still be hurt over everything that happened and I'd still feel like you don't really know me anymore…and that will just lead to more hurt and resentment and I don't want that. I'm tired of that."
He wanted to be angry and he was hurt because as much as he wanted to hold her and make love to her, he knew she was right. He didn't know her anymore. He hadn't known about her baby or about her becoming commanding officer…two big things in her life that at one time he couldn't imagine would happen for her without him being involved in some way. And he knew about other things…things he hadn't mentioned because he knew it would hurt her and he felt guilty for not protecting her and keeping her safe, and he knew she blamed him for leaving her alone to deal with it all, "Is this about William Lewis?" he asked. He could see the shock on her face, the disbelief that he had known about it and hadn't bothered to check on her or make sure she was okay.
"I will not discuss that with you," she said with a fury that surprised even her, but then again her emotions at the mention of that name always sparked an unpredictable response. "How dare you come in here and…"
"And what? Ask you to tell me about the worst thing you've ever gone through?" he looked into her eyes and noticed for the first time that they lacked the spark they once had. "Because that is exactly what you made me do last night!"
She shook her head and her voice quivered, "If you knew…" she cried. "Where were you? You say you love me, but you didn't care enough about me to show your face."
"The first time, I saw it on the news when they were searching for you…but Liv there was nothing I could do," he insisted. "Did you want me to come look for you? Because I wanted to…I really did, but I'm not a cop anymore…"
"Yeah…you're not a cop anymore…" she turned away from him.
"I called Cragen," he tried to explain. "He wouldn't talk to me except to say I needed to stay the hell out of things." She looked back at him, waiting for more of an explanation. "He said they had it under control and that I'd just make things worse." He sighed, "I was scared to death. I even went to church and prayed…for the first time since we'd buried Kathleen."
She brushed away the tears that were streaming down her cheeks, "I was off work for two months…where were you then?"
"I was scared," he admitted. "I didn't want to see you like that…it made me sick to think about it. That was wrong. I admit that…I should have been there. I'm sorry…"
"You called Brian a dumbass," she exhaled sharply. "But he was there…through the whole thing. He never left. He didn't care that I was damaged…that I couldn't have sex with him for months afterward…or that I'd wake up screaming in the middle of the night. He was there…"
He nodded, "I'm glad he was there for you. I should have been." He wrung his hands together nervously, "I understand why you still love him…"
"I don't love him…" she whispered. "Not the way you think. I took care of him when he was shot and he took care of me after Lewis. I care about him…I'm grateful to him…but we wanted different things in life. We filled a need for one another, until we just didn't anymore." She took a deep breath, "I miss him…"
Elliot put his arms around her and pulled her close, "I'm sorry…" he felt her head resting on his chest as her tears began to moisten his shirt. "I'm so sorry…"
"I wanted to die," she admitted. "A part of me did. I'm never going to feel safe again…never." He looked back at the locks on her door and he understood why they were there. She looked at him and sobbed, "The second time, when he came back…he made me hold a gun to my head and pull the trigger. I knew I was going to die…and sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night and I swear I'm right back there with him…"
"He's not coming back, Liv," he held her close, wiping the tears from her cheeks and brushing her hair back from her face. "He's dead…and you survived…he can't hurt you now." He kissed her gently on the top of the head, taking in the intoxicating scent of her hair, and knowing she was right when she'd said she wasn't the same person she used to be. The old Liv would never have let herself appear so vulnerable, even to him.
"I wanted you," she admitted. "I wanted you to come and help me, and you didn't." She cried. "But that taught me something. I don't need you Elliot. I'm fine on my own. I can take care of myself."
"I know you can," he squeezed her tighter, afraid she might pull away and relieved that she seemed comfortable leaning on his chest. "You don't need me, Liv. You never really did."
"But I love you," she sniffled. "More than anything." She lifted her head from his chest, putting her hands on his shoulders and pulling him toward her, kissing him softly.
He forced himself to pull away from her kiss, "Liv, don't…you don't want to…"
"Yes I do," she interrupted, grabbing his face and pulling it back to hers and he knew he wasn't going to resist her. He wanted this…he wanted her. "Come on…" she stood up and pulled him toward her and he couldn't help but smile at her eagerness.
"You gonna show me that bedroom now?" he asked, as he began to unbutton her blouse and kissed her neck. Seeing the scars on her chest, markings he knew were permanent reminders of Lewis, he couldn't let her see the pain he felt for her. Instead he kissed her again, pulling her blouse off and tossing it to the floor, running his finger along the strap of her white lace bra. He felt her fumbling with his belt buckle, knowing this was actually going to happen and he picked her up and she laughed as he carried her to the bedroom, "Shhh…" he whispered. "Do not wake up the baby." She smiled as he put her gently on the bed. He hovered above her, running his finger along the tears that were still staining her cheeks. "Are you sure?" he asked, one more time. He didn't want her to do something she would regret. He loved her too much for that.
"I love you," she whispered. She pulled him back into a long passionate kiss, and then replied breathlessly, "I've never been more sure about anything…"