Thank you for reading and your continued support, you've all been so encouraging! I also feel like I should apologise for what happened to Chester but that had been my plan all along (I know, I'm a horrible person) and I hope I did him justice!

I do not own the Hunger Games nor its characters.

Chapter Thirty-Five

I've been through some awful times but these past six months are definitely in the running to be the worst. It must be about noon when I wake up on my sofa, covered in my own vomit with one hand on my knife and another on an empty bottle. I can't have been asleep that long; I very rarely get to sleep before 3am and I know that last night was bad.

I can't remember how but there's a feeling of dread and pain all over my body that only comes when my nights have been haunted by images from my past. Most recently I've been seeing little Freya running through the arena, crying out for her older brother only to be attacked by a group of ravenous mutts.

My stomach feels hollow, I know I haven't eaten for days but I've felt no desire to. It's still a mystery to me that I'm alive. I don't deserve to be. Not when innocent children like Chester are being slaughtered every year for sick entertainment.

I ever so slowly stand up and stagger in to the kitchen before pouring myself a glass of water. My throat is dry and raw and the stench of vomit should make me gag but it doesn't. I've become used to it very quickly.

As I walk back in to the living room I notice a small piece of paper with my name on it is sitting on the coffee table; I have no idea how that even got there. Did I put there last night or did someone just walk in? I can't say I care, I've got nothing worth protecting. The whole of 12 could rob me and I'd just let them carry on.

I unfold the paper to find that it's a note from Drake, inviting me over for dinner next week. Ever since the Games him and Herma have been determined to include me in their lives again, after all, what are the odds that Freya will be reaped, too? The worst has happened and they have forgiven me, they want me to grieve with them but I can't. I wish they hated me, it would make things easier. I let out a pained, low groan as I tear up the paper in to a thousand tiny pieces before raiding my cupboards for more alcohol. I'm running low, I'd better visit Ripper.

I begin to head out of the house but as I open the door a scared little man is standing on my porch, his hand raised ready to knock on the door.

"Hello, Mr. Abernathy," he says, to which I give a disgruntled groan. "I'm from the Justice Building and your presence is required at Johanna Mason's Victory Speech." He says the whole thing with his eyes closed as if my appearance is just too disgusting to handle. I can tell that the smell is getting to him, too.

"I'm not going," I say.

"I have been told that I have to bring you. No matter what…" his voice should sound threatening but it just sounds weak.

Rather than continue this farce of an argument I slam the door behind me and head towards the square, the stupid man trying to keep up with me. By the time we arrive the Mayor has already finished his speech and Johanna has stepped up to the mic. I really don't understand why my being here makes any difference.

Johanna's face looks hard and the anger I saw in the arena is threatening to return. "Thank you, Mayor Undersee," she says, "And thank you District Twelve for your kind hospitality. I would also like to thank the families of the fallen tributes," she looks down at Drake, Herma and Freya and Saskia's parents. "Without their sacrifice I would not be standing here before you." There's no heart in this speech, nothing that marks it out at something she's written but I'm not sure if anyone else can spot it. She goes on to tell us about how hard the Games were but also how important they are and I know that this speech has come directly from Snow's office, clearly her little outburst in the arena put him on edge.

I do make some form of effort for the dinner and make sure I have a shower and wear clean clothes. I have no desire to go but Plutarch wants me to see if Johanna is really worth recruiting or if she'll be a liability and right now the rebellion is the only thing I have to live for.

The meal is mediocre but it's the first food I've eaten in a while so it's welcome, as is the wine. I must get through a whole bottle by the end of the meal.

"Have you met Haymitch, Johanna?" Asks Blight, a victor from 7 who is about ten years older than me. He's always seemed like a decent guy but we've never been friends; I think he's always had a problem with my drinking.

"No, not yet," she says, her voice calm and steady.

"Well here I am!" I shout before laughing raucously. "Who wouldn't want to hang out with this fine specimen of a man?" She rolls her eyes and continues to eat her turkey. "No one likes a prissy madam, Johanna! The Capitol won't like that at all!"

Blight shoots me a look and I know better than to carry on so I just demand more wine, instead.

By the time the dancing hour is upon us all I want to do is knock Johanna down to size, does she not realise how hellish the Games were for me this year? I lost the closest thing I had to a nephew! She must be a manipulative person to win the way she did, she had it all planned out from the reaping right up until the end. I can't help myself when I stumble over to her, interrupting a conversation she's having with Blight.

"Chester should have won," I spit at her, "Not you. At least he was a nice kid!"

Her head snaps around to me and her eyes have a darkness to them that I've not seen before. "Maybe you're right," she says. "At least then my family would be alive!" She turns on her heel to leave but I grab her arm and pull her back.

"What do you mean?" I slur.

"You wouldn't understand."

I laugh, "Trust me, sweetheart, I'm an expert at losing families."

She lowers her voice as she speaks so that only Blight and I can hear her. "Snow wasn't best pleased with how I spoke about him in the arena so he offered me a way of redeeming myself…he said if I-"

"You don't have to say it, us victors all know the deal."

"Well I didn't! I spat in his face and walked out of the room, only once the celebrations back in Seven were over he had my whole family shot in front of me."

"You didn't tell her about me then?" I say to Blight and he shakes his head, much to Johanna's confusion. She's clearly angry with both of us, now.

"The same thing happened to me," I say and offer her a glass of wine.

"No, thanks. I'm not going to be like you." The anger from her face has gone and been replaced with pity. She's still hurting, still pining for her family but she's seen the future in me and I can't say I blame her for rejecting it.

As I walk home I think about Chaff's comments during the Games. Johanna could be the one to get the districts going but meeting her tonight has confirmed my belief that she isn't the one. We should certainly recruit her, I'm sure she wants Snow dead just as much as the rest of us and now she knows how the game works maybe she'll have her head screwed on a bit better. She's a clever girl.

We can definitely use her but she's not the one. We have to keep waiting.