Chapter Ninety
"The blooming of the sakura trees symbolizes the beginning of spring," Tomoyo explained, hanging a paper lantern from one of the ropes. "But actually, they can bloom any time between January and May, depending on where you are and how mild the winter is. Here, they usually bloom in April."
Syaoran nodded, handing her the next lantern. As he did, his eyes strayed to the forked branches where they had left Sakura's body. Cherry blossoms bloomed all around her, making her look like an angel sleeping among the clouds. Except her body has no soul, and she won't wake up until I can recover it, he thought, the comparison seeming suddenly unfortunate.
"Syaoran-kun," Tomoyo said. His head snapped up, and she let out a tinkling laugh. "A bit distracted, I see."
"I'm sorry." He handed her another lantern.
"You've been through a great deal on your journey. I saw you sometimes, in my dreams. You and the other one."
He looked down. "I see."
"Of course, I was mostly checking on Kurogane—he can be so volatile. I worried his temper would get him into trouble." She smiled, reaching for another lantern. Syaoran handed her one, then grabbed a few more off the ground. "But perhaps my fears have been . . . not unjustified, but overstated. He cares a great deal about you."
Syaoran froze, ice rolling down his spine. Don't be paranoid, he scolded himself, feeling his cheeks warm. She probably means "you" in a general sense. She wouldn't know about what you've been doing. Unless . . . He tried to banish the fear from his face. Because she could know. She saw the future in dreams. She'd watched over them during their journey.
What if she had seen?
"You seem surprised," Tomoyo noted.
"I . . . um . . ."
Her smile softened. She laid one tiny hand on his cheek. "It's unconventional, to be sure, but love often is. And for Kurogane to care about someone so deeply . . . It's both a surprise and a pleasure."
"I . . . I'm not sure what to say." Under her hand, his cheeks flushed a deeper red.
"No one else knows. And if you two choose to keep it secret, it shall remain so." She lowered her hand, grabbing a lantern. "True love is a rare blossom. One does not scorn a unique flower because of the soil it has grown in. One should not scorn something so rare and beautiful as love."
He thought about that for a moment. About the acceptance inherent in the metaphor. "Thank you."
Tomoyo simply smiled.
Syaoran glanced at the sakura tree, seeing the soulless body cradled in its branches and wondering how his Sakura would react when he told her everything.
Syaoran spent the rest of the day preparing the courtyard for the spring festivities, knowing he would be spending more time at Kurogane's bedside than enjoying the celebration. While the ninja slept, however, he didn't mind the distraction. Without something to occupy his thoughts, he'd have probably wandered to the medical wing and waited there until Kurogane woke. At least this way, he could forget his troubles. Mostly.
Still, he visited the infirmary frequently, always waiting for permission before entering Kurogane's room. Apart from clean bedsheets and fresh bandages, time seemed stagnate in that room. Always, he found the ninja lying face-up, one sleeve limp and empty beside him, skin unnaturally pale. After his first few visits, Hinata stopped supervising.
It gave him the opportunity he'd given up that first night—it let him rest his hand over the ninja's knuckles. To touch him for the first time since Ceres.
His hand is so cold, he thought, fingers curling around the ninja's palm. Kurogane didn't stir or squeeze his hand. Not that Syaoran had expected him to—that kind of thing happened in stories, not in real life. But he also hadn't expected the man's skin to feel so cold, or his muscles to feel so slack. It felt wrong, as if all the vitality had drained out of his body.
Syaoran's breathing hitched. He pulled back, reasserting control over himself. He would not cry over Kurogane's comatose body. Not now. Not when the healers spoke of his improvement. Not when the ninja would scold him over every unnecessary tear.
He sat there a while longer, the sky outside darkening from bright blue to navy. When he heard the door slide open behind him, he released the ninja's hand.
"Still here, I see," Fai said, managing a faint smile.
Syaoran shrugged, unsure how to respond. Fai sat next to him, adjusting his outfit—Tomoyo had called it a furisode—to make himself comfortable. Neither of them said anything, but Syaoran sensed that Fai was waiting for him to speak first. After a few minutes, Syaoran stood. "I should probably go see if there are any more decorations to hang up."
"Sit down," Fai said.
Syaoran sat, looking away. "Is there . . . something you wanted to say?" he asked after a minute of silence.
Fai's lips parted slightly, but he hesitated. "No," he said carefully, folding his hands in his lap. "I don't want you to feel like you need to leave just because I sat down. I'm not looking to be alone."
The words gave him pause. He looked at the bandages coiled around Kurogane's side and shoulder. After a moment, he let his fingertips trail across the gauze. It felt rougher than he'd expected. Not fluffy, but coarse. His hand lingered there.
"I can hear his heartbeat," Fai said. Syaoran glanced up and saw how the vampire's eye shifted between blue and gold, pupils changing between slitted and round. Instinctively, he edged closer to the unconscious ninja, placing himself between predator and prey.
Fai blinked rapidly, the gold flecks vanishing from his eyes. Maybe he has to change forms to sharpen his hearing, Syaoran thought, puzzling over the mystery for a moment. It wasn't something he'd thought about much—in Infinity, he'd avoided the magician, and during the chess matches, he'd been too preoccupied to study Fai's vampire nature.
"It's steady," Fai said. At Syaoran's blank look, he explained. "His heart rate, I mean. It sounds healthy. And his breathing patterns are almost back to normal. Soon, he won't be comatose, just asleep."
"You can hear all that?"
"Yes." He smiled. "Not that I need it to know he'll be up and about long before he should be."
Syaoran looked at Kurogane's face, noting how pale it still looked. Unconsciously, his hand moved upward to cup the ninja's face.
"You love him, don't you?"
Syaoran jumped, withdrawing his hand. His cheeks burned.
"In Infinity, you asked me whether there was a way to fall out of love. I can only take that to mean you thought you were already in love."
His blush deepened. "It's . . ." He nearly said "complicated," but he'd read the same phrase in so many books that it seemed horribly clichéd. And, he decided after a moment, inaccurate. "Perhaps a better question would have been whether you can love more than one person at a time. And if so, what do you do about it?"
Fai waited a beat to respond. "Have you discussed this with him?"
"Sort of. He knows I love Sakura." My Sakura, he thought, sighing. "He's all right with the idea of me . . . being with her, if that's what I choose. But I don't know how she'll react." I don't even know if I'll ever see her again.
"Love is a strange thing, sometimes," Fai said. "But I'm sure it will all work out in the end."
At least one of us can still manage optimism. "Yeah. Maybe."
Silence fell. After a few minutes, Syaoran sighed. "He told me he loved me. Before we left Infinity. No one . . . No one's ever said that to me except my parents."
"But it made you happy. He makes you happy."
"Yes." Sorrow coiled around his windpipe, making it hard to breathe. "He makes me happy. Even with everything that's happening, even with all the pain and loneliness and chaos, he makes me happy."
"And you don't feel you deserve that happiness." It wasn't a question.
"No. I've . . . There are things I regret, both before and after my imprisonment. Things I wish I could change. But . . ." He thought about his wish to turn back time, to save his Sakura. "Once something's broken, it can't ever be fixed. Not truly. I think that's one of the most important things I've learned on this journey. Even so, when things do break, it's possible to pick up the pieces and make something better out of them. It's possible to find love where you only expected indifference."
Fai absorbed that, nodding to himself. "Is that what it was like with you and him?"
"That was how it started. Sometimes I wonder if it could have happened any other way. If he could have come to love me without those first few months of trepidation. But I think that, without those hardships, our relationship wouldn't have become strong enough to withstand the things we're facing now, or the things we might face in the future. We built something strong out of something that, by all logic, should have never been able to stand on its own."
Fai sat quietly for a few seconds, then rested a hand on his shoulder. "You don't have to punish yourself for old regrets, you know. It's okay to be happy."
You wouldn't say that if you knew what my regret stems from, he thought, saying nothing. A moment later, the wall slid open, and Hinata Yamura peered inside. "Tsukiyomi-sama wishes for you to return to your room. She says she sent gifts for each of you."
Gifts? he thought, puzzled. Is this Tomoyo-hime's way of kicking us out? He considered objecting, then decided against it. If Hinata was anything like Infinity's Doctor Yamura, arguing would do him little good. He rose to his feet, bowed, then stepped out into the hallway, Fai close behind him. "What do you think that was about?" the magician asked when Hinata closed the door behind her.
"I don't know. But we can't refuse Tomoyo-hime's kindness in her own castle. We should go back." And maybe once we find these "gifts," we can return.