Chapter Ninety-Two
Light filtered through the paper walls, making the far side of the room seem to glow. Swallowing, Syaoran slid the door shut behind him, sensing Kurogane's gaze on him. Head down, he walked to the edge of the mat and knelt at the ninja's side, silent.
From the corner of his eye, he saw Kurogane reach up to brush his remaining hand across Syaoran's jaw. "Hey."
The gentle touch had him blushing a deep crimson. "Good morning, Kurogane-san."
The ninja's hand stilled. Syaoran stiffened. He inhaled slowly, trying to keep control of himself. His voice trembled. "How are you feeling?"
"Terrible," Kurogane said, shrugging with his good shoulder as if losing an arm had been an inconvenience, rather than a debilitating injury. "You?"
"I'm fine. Tomoyo-hime had her healers take care of my wounds after they . . ." He trailed off, unable to stop his eyes from straying to the bandages wrapped around the ninja's shoulder and abdomen. His lungs seized up, and he had to look away to maintain control.
"This is the first time they've let you see the damage, isn't it?"
He shook his head. "I saw it earlier when I came to visit. I . . . I guess I haven't gotten used to it yet."
On the floor, Kurogane nodded, staring at the ceiling for a moment before reaching for his hand. Syaoran let him take it, knowing there weren't any comforting words—or, at least, none that Kurogane would ask for or accept. Silence settled over the room, giving him time to rein in his sorrow and shock. Still, he kept looking at the wound, at the pristine bandages the healers had affixed to it. It seemed wrong that Kurogane's sacrifice could be concealed by such mundane supplies. If he hadn't watched the ninja shear off his own arm, the absence would have seemed unreal.
"It's okay, you know," Kurogane said. Syaoran tore his eyes away from the wound to meet the ninja's gaze. Kurogane squeezed his hand, then moved it so Syaoran's palm lay over his chest. "I didn't lose anything too important."
Syaoran nodded, trying to believe that. He pressed his hand against the ninja's skin so he could feel his heartbeat. Knowing they hadn't lost everything made their current problems a bit easier to bear. "I thought . . . I really thought you were going to die back there," he whispered.
"Why? Because I cut off my arm?"
He shook his head. "No. Well, yes, but that wasn't what I meant. In Ceres, when the curse's magic closed around you, I thought you were both going to die. That I would fall into the next world with Sakura's body and no way to find her soul. I thought I was going to be alone again."
"Again?"
"Like I was before I arrived in Tokyo. Like I was before you and I. . . you know." His eyes flickered to the ninja's face, saw the understanding in his expression. "If you'd died back there, I'd have fallen back into that darkness. I'd have been alone."
"I love you."
His head snapped up. "I love you, too."
"And I don't plan on dying anytime soon, but if I do, you have to move on. Got it?"
"I . . ."
Kurogane grabbed his arm. "Listen. What I want more than anything else—more than being with you or killing that bastard who imprisoned you—is for you to be happy. And alive. So." He took a breath. Most of the color had drained from his face, but his eyes burned like fire. "So promise me that even if I die, you'll keep living—really living, not just existing."
Syaoran blinked in shock. "Kurogane-san . . ."
"I'm not kidding." With great effort, he sat up, bracing his remaining hand on the floor to steady himself. "Damn, that hurts."
"Maybe you should—" he began. Before he could finish his sentence, the ninja's lips crashed against his, hot and demanding.
"Promise me," Kurogane whispered. "Promise me you'll at least try to be happy if I die."
"Yes." He melted into the kiss, wrapping his arms around the ninja's neck. Desire burned in his chest, pulling him deeper into the moment. His hands traced Kurogane's neck, exploring the line separating his skin from the bandages.
After a moment, Kurogane leaned back, breathing hard. He sank into the mattress, his face paling. Syaoran followed, lying at his side, taking the man's hand in his own. "Will you promise me something?"
"That depends. What is it?"
"Promise me that if it ever comes down to my life or yours, you'll save yourself first."
Kurogane opened his mouth, then slumped where he lay. "There's no point in arguing, is there?"
He shook his head.
"All right then. If that's what you want."
"It is." Syaoran planted a kiss on the ninja's jaw, nuzzling his cheek with the tip of his nose. He let his hand trail up the ninja's arm, fingertips skimming over his bicep, then his upper arm, until they came to rest on his shoulder. All the while, Kurogane studied him, not saying a word.
"Does Tomoyo know?" he finally asked, resting his head on the pillow and staring up at the ceiling. Syaoran tensed, fingers curling as he nodded. "Yeah, figured as much. She always knows." Kurogane looked at him again, pulling his arm away to run his hand over Syaoran's cheek. He closed his eyes, accepting the contact, finding comfort in it. Even now, when I should be caring for him, he's the one who comforts me.
"I didn't tell her. She already knew."
"Yeah. Figured that, too." Kurogane rolled toward him, his expression soft. "Will you stay?"
He froze. Did I hear that right? "Stay?"
"Stay with me until I'm cleared to leave the infirmary. Will you?"
His heart fluttered. "Is that a good idea?"
Kurogane moved as if to shrug, then winced as the movement pulled at his wounds. "Tomoyo knows about us. The healers won't kick you out if I want you here. And . . ." He looked away, a flicker of embarrassment crossing his face. "I'd like to have you here. With all these sedatives, I won't be alert enough to watch for assassins."
He loves you, whispered a tiny voice in his mind. He needs you. "Okay." He swallowed. "I'll stay. But . . . I can't live in this world forever. Sakura is still . . ."
"I know. We've still got that bastard with the bat sword to deal with. I got my wish, but I'm not about to stay here and let you fight him alone."
"But . . . your sword," he said, torn between telling him to stay and begging him to come. "You lost it in Ceres. How will you fight?"
"This is Nihon." He pressed his lips to Syaoran's forehead. "I'm pretty sure I can get my hands on a sword."
Syaoran nodded, trailing his fingertips across the ninja's chest. Kurogane's arm circled his shoulders, pulling him closer. He's warm, Syaoran thought, settling in and closing his eyes. The ninja stroked the back of his neck, his hand a slow, soothing pressure. Syaoran didn't know how long he laid there, but after a while, his mind drifted, his thoughts becoming scattered, dream-like. He drifted into sleep like a boat floating in calm seas.
Fai gave them two hours to have their reunion, then returned to the medical wing. He tried to tell himself that he just wanted to find out whether Kurogane was angry about getting punched in the face (honestly, Fai had been surprised it had gone over as well as it had), but a smaller part of him wanted to see the ninja again. A part, he thought, that he'd been denying far too long.
He passed Hinata in the corridor and nodded a greeting. The woman glanced at him in surprise, then inclined her head. "Good afternoon. Is there something you need?"
"Just checking on Kuro-pyon."
Her eyebrows flew up into her hair. "Kuro . . . pyon? He lets you call him that?"
"Well, he did try to cut me open the first few times, but I think we've come to an agreement." And he looked so relieved when I went back to using his nicknames, Fai thought wistfully. "Kuro-wan isn't so scary once you get to know him."
Hinata stared at him, running her thumb across the scroll in her hand. The gesture reminded him of Doctor Yamura's habit of glancing at her clipboard. "Yes, well . . . Syaoran-kun is still with him. You'll want to knock before you enter."
"All right." He walked past, humming to himself until he reached the correct door. He knocked, waited a beat for a response, then spoke. "It's me."
No one answered. After listening for any signs of movement, he slid the door open and slipped inside.
They lay beside each other, too deeply asleep to be disturbed by his knocking. Syaoran slept on his side, face pressed against Kurogane's uninjured side, one hand lying across the man's abdomen. Kurogane slept just as soundly, head lolling to the right, his single arm loose around Syaoran's shoulders. Both looked peaceful.
Fai loomed in the corner of the room, breathing slowly, feeling as if something had cracked inside his chest. And, if he was being completely honest with himself, he had felt that pain for weeks now. That fissure in his heart. He'd banished it from his thoughts when he'd found out about their relationship. He'd endured it when he'd recognized the genuine affection between the two of them. But now, seeing Kurogane sleeping so peacefully, the crack opened wide, leaving him drenched in grief. I could have had this, he thought, mourning the missed opportunity. If I had been less of a coward, if I had acted less coldly, if I had been a better man, I could have had this. His breathing hitched, and he drew in another slow breath to regain control. Kurogane could have loved me instead.
He looked down at his furisode, remembering the sad glimmer in Tomoyo's eyes when she'd delivered it to him their first day here. He had understood the significance of the garment, even if he'd held little hope for changing the way things were. He had waited too long. He had refused to appreciate the sacrifices Kurogane had made for him, and though he'd been forgiven, he had lost something important because of it. He had lost his own chance at love.
Is this the sacrifice I have to make? he wondered. Is that love what I have to give up in recompense? Is this the price for my betrayals?
"You don't have to punish yourself for old regrets." That was something Ashura had taught him, long before he'd gone on this journey. He'd repeated that same advice to Syaoran just a few hours ago. Is that what I'm doing? he wondered, Am I blaming myself for something that could never have been? For something I couldn't have planned for? Am I blaming myself for someone else's choice?
On the floor, Syaoran shifted closer to the ninja. Kurogane didn't stir, as Fai might have expected from the habitually light sleeper. For him to let his guard down, even under the influence of sedatives. . . That required more than love. It required trust.
That's what I've been missing, Fai realized. I never allowed myself to trust them. I was always waiting for the day I would betray them, so I never freed myself enough to believe they'd forgive me. That's why I couldn't love or be loved. He absorbed that, the thought somehow putting him at ease. He no longer had to betray them. He was free.
Let it go, whispered a tiny voice in his mind. They're happy together.
"Time to move on," he whispered to himself. His lips pulled up into a smile. He slid the door open, the crack in his heart sealing up. He suspected it would still ache from time to time, but he could endure it. As long as the others were happy, he could endure anything.
Author's Notes:
So, we get the conclusion of this little mini-arc here. I hope Fai's thoughts don't come out of the blue (I did try to hint at his feelings for Kurogane in previous chapters). There are events he mentions in this chapter that occurred in Nihon but weren't mentioned in previous scenes, such as Tomoyo giving Fai a furisode, but I think that any good story has a lot of background content and detail that exists only in the author's mind, not on the page. This is one of those instances where you see the end result, but not a lot of the lead-up. Given that Fai is not part of the pairing, I feel that going back and writing his interactions with Tomoyo would have slowed the story down. This is the same reasoning I give for never showing Fai and Sakura actually shopping in Infinity—it's important that you see the result of those trips (by which I mean alone-time between Kurogane and Syaoran), but the trips themselves are not important.
Another note on this chapter: you'll notice that I'm using Doctor Yamura/Hinata quite a bit, given her status an OC. This wasn't really intentional, as I am generally of the belief that an OC should stay in the background as much as possible (though there are always exceptions for those who write OCs well). But I like Hinata. She can interact with the canon characters in ways they can't/won't with each other, and having her exist to represent the healers, rather than just leaving them as unnamed OCs, makes the scenes feel more real to me. YMMV on whether she's an effective character or not, but either way, I'd like to hear what you guys think of her (and anything else in this chapter or in the story in general). Anyway, thanks, as always, to those who read and review.