Chapter Ninety-Three

The light was all wrong.

Syaoran stirred, sensing the unfamiliar warmth on his face. He usually woke before the light from his window moved past his ankles. I must have overslept, he thought, eyelids fluttering. I hope we don't have a chess match tonight. My sleep cycle is unstable as it is.

As his eyes adjusted, his mind cleared. Paper walls framed the room, interrupted by wooden support struts. The sunlight seeping through the walls seemed too bright for so dreary a place as Infinity. That's right. We moved on. We're in Nihon now. He started to sit up, still drowsy, then froze as he felt a warm pressure on his back.

"You're awake," Kurogane said, fingers trailing down Syaoran's spine.

Syaoran drew back, panicking. "I fell asleep?"

"Yeah."

He sat up, realizing with considerable embarrassment that, not only had he drifted off, he'd quite literally slept in the man's embrace. "I'm sorry," he squeaked, standing up. He studied his clothes, making sure everything was still in place. The maroon kimono Sora had given him looked rumpled, and his hair stuck up in asymmetrical spikes. "How long was I asleep? Did anyone see us?"

"Kid, relax."

"I feel like I've been asleep for hours," he said, trying to flatten the rumpled fabric of his kimono. And I look like it, too. "What are people going to think when I walk out of here looking like this?"

"There's no point in worrying about that now."

"But what if they start to wonder about us?" he whispered. "What if they piece it together? Too many people here know already."

Kurogane's hand circled around his wrist. "Sit down," he said.

Syaoran looked at him, then away, blushing. The ninja tugged on his wrist, pulling him down. He knelt at the man's side, unable to meet his eyes. "I'm sorry."

"You ought to be, acting like you're ashamed of this."

"I'm not ashamed."

"Your face is as red as your outfit."

He flinched. "I . . . I'm not ashamed, it's just . . ."

"Just what? A few days ago, you said you were in love with me. Yet you fall asleep in my bed once, and you act like you've done something wrong. If that's not shame, what the hell is it?"

"I . . ." He hated the tremor in his voice. He hated not having an answer. He drew in a deep breath, fighting for control as Kurogane's hand tightened around his wrist. "I didn't mean to upset you," he said, feeling the weight of Kurogane's gaze on his face. His apology hung in the air, met by silence.

"You know," Kurogane eventually said, "if you're going to be ashamed, you might as well do something worth being ashamed of."

Syaoran looked up, uncertain. "What?"

With some effort, the ninja sat up, releasing Syaoran's wrist so he could brace his hand on the ground for leverage. Even then, he was still breathing hard when he reached a sitting position. "Lie down," he commanded.

"Why?"

Kurogane pressed his arm against Syaoran's collarbone, pushing him down onto the mattress and pinning him there. "Because," he growled, "I want you to understand something."

And this is going to help? He leaned back, trying to find some hint of an answer in the ninja's eyes. All he could see was anger.

"I like the outfit," Kurogane said, his voice frigid as he tugged on the maroon kimono. "I'd like it better if it wasn't in the way."

Hands shaking, Syaoran untied the knots holding the front of the kimono together and tossed the garment aside. Then he pulled away the sheer cloth Sora had given him to wear under it, leaving his torso bare. An instant later, Kurogane's tongue traced his lower lip, seeking entrance. He opened his mouth, breath coming faster, heart pounding harder. The ninja's hand closed around his upper arm. "Kurogane-san . . ."

"Quiet." The man dragged his nails down Syaoran's ribs, leaving scratches.

Startled, Syaoran braced his hand against the ninja's chest. "Wait."

"Are you so ashamed of this that you're afraid to fall asleep in my bed when we haven't even done anything yet?" After a beat of silence, his grip tightened. "Is that it?"

"I don't . . . I don't understand. Why are we arguing?"

Kurogane sat up, resting his hand on his knee. "I don't care who finds out about us. I'm not ashamed of this. But if you are ashamed of it, you ought to say something."

"What do you want from me?" When he received no answer, he went on, frustration building in his voice. "What do you want? An explanation? A confession? An excuse? Fine, then! The last time I fell in love, I lost everything. My freedom. My chance at happiness. My idealism. My dreams. I lost her."

"And you found her again in Tokyo. If you loved her so much, why not make things right back then?"

The words hit him like a fist. He exhaled sharply, wrapping his arms around his chest. "Make things right?" he repeated, his voice flat, empty. He felt Kurogane's eyes on his face.

"I don't see what's so damn difficult about it."

His eyes stung with tears. "She wasn't the one I fell in love with."

He heard the pause in Kurogane's breathing, felt the shock that ran through the man's body as if it was his own. The irritation drained from the ninja's voice. "What?"

"In Tokyo, you all found out that the Syaoran you knew was a copy of me." He lifted his eyes, saw the dawning realization on Kurogane's face. "Is it so hard to believe the same thing happened to Sakura?"

Kurogane said nothing. He didn't need to. His face said it all.

"It was my fault, you know." Syaoran turned away, too ashamed to meet the other man's eyes. "Fei-Wang Reed manipulated the events that led up to it, but I'm the one who ruined everything. He'd placed a curse on her—a lethal curse that would activate years later. I combed the world looking for a way to reverse it, or slow it down. I would have walked the earth for a thousand years to save her, if that's what it would have taken." He laughed bitterly. "Interesting how that led me here. But . . . I could never find a counter-spell. When the time came and her curse activated, her mother stopped time in that world. I had no solution, no chance to save her. I'd vowed to protect her and I'd failed. And so I did the only thing I could think to do: I made a wish. And it backfired."

His hands curled into fists. He took a deep breath, flinching when Kurogane laid a hand on his shoulder. "Enough. You don't have to say anything else."

"I was supposed to protect her."

"You couldn't have known it would turn out like it did."

"I loved her."

"That's no reason to blame yourself for what that bastard did to her!"

"What about the things he did to you? Or to Fai? To your families, to the people you loved? My wish allowed Fei-Wang Reed to do all that, and you think I shouldn't blame myself?"

Kurogane's eyes flickered with pain. "What's done is done. You can't fix what happened in the past, so stop worrying about it."

"I can't."

"Then . . . Damn it. Look at me." He grabbed his chin and tilted his face up so their eyes met. "Don't cry."

"I'm not." But his voice trembled.

"Don't cry." Kurogane brushed his thumb over his cheek, wiping away the traitorous bead of moisture that had gathered there. His hand lingered, resting tenderly across Syaoran's cheekbone. "Don't cry. You don't have to carry that weight anymore. You don't have to be afraid anymore."

He shook his head. Of course he was afraid. Facing Fei-Wang meant putting everything he loved at risk. It meant accepting the chance of failure. Of death. Of imprisonment. And worse than all of that, it meant watching the people he cared about risk all the same things. "What if we lose?" he whispered.

"We won't lose."

"But what if we do?"

"Then the bad guy wins. But that won't happen. I won't let it happen." Kurogane's arm encircled his shoulders. "So stop worrying."

He shivered, closing his eyes and pressing his face against the ninja's chest. Kurogane stroked his back, murmuring reassurances. They stayed like that a few minutes more, until someone knocked on the door. "It's time for lunch."

Syaoran stiffened, sliding out of Kurogane's embrace in alarm. "Hold on a second," Syaoran called, snatching his kimono off the ground.

"No time to waste," the voice said, a hint of annoyance buried under her cheerful tone. "I do have other patients."

He punched his arms through the under-kimono, heart racing. She's going to see, he thought. And then she'll know.

"Hey." Kurogane nudged his elbow. "Relax. It doesn't matter if they find out about us."

He paused, half the garment dangling from his arm. Doesn't matter? he thought, raising his head. His mind flashed back to the beginning of their argument. "If that's not shame, what the hell is it?"

"I'm coming in," the healer announced. On impulse, Syaoran discarded the under-kimono and wrapped his arms around Kurogane's neck, sitting close enough to feel the man's breath on his face. He had an instant to watch the shock light up in the man's eyes before the wall slid open. "We've got soup . . ."

Syaoran smiled, arms falling to his side. The healer, a girl barely old enough to be in medical school in most worlds, gaped at them for a moment, her cheeks glowing a soft pink. "Sorry about that," Syaoran said, feigning embarrassment. "We were a little occupied."

"I, um . . . Uh . . . I'll just come back later." She stepped backward into the hallway, sliding the door shut.

"What the hell was that?" Kurogane demanded.

Syaoran shrank back. "You got mad because you thought I was ashamed of what we're doing. I wanted to show you that I wasn't." He dared to raise his head, then froze. "You're angry."

Kurogane flexed his jaw, fingers curling and uncurling. "Angry?" he said. Syaoran would have flinched at his tone if not for the almost imperceptible smile playing at the edge of his lips. "Kid, when I can walk without falling over, I'm going to kill you."

Syaoran's lips twitched into a smile. He planted a quick kiss on the side of the ninja's jaw. "I missed you."

The smirk softened around the edges. Kurogane pinched a lock of Syaoran's hair between his thumb and forefinger. "I missed you, too. And . . . I shouldn't have gone off on you like that. Been too long since I've had a decent argument, I guess. I kind of miss it."

He smiled wider, crouching down to gather up his clothes. "I should probably get back to Fai-san before he starts to worry. Will you be all right here?"

The man chuckled. "You suggesting I won't be?"

"I wouldn't dream of it."