Emily shoved Andy down onto her white leather couch. Bossily ordered by the grumbling redhead. ''Now stay.''
Andy was looking around her modern loft, like a concussed simpleton.
''Miranda's not here.'' Andy almost wailed this. Looking about for her as if Emily hid Runway's Editor deliberately under her sofa.
''No Andréa. Miranda grew out of hide and seek.'' Rolling her eyes at her former idiotic work colleague. Just because Andréa the cow gave her couture two weeks ago did not mean she had to be nice to her.
''Now. Rules of my house. Andréa. You do not sit on my cushion and I do not have snacks. You may watch television. Since we've been forced to endure one another's company for hours to come.'' Emily looked heavenward, back to Andy, her pert nose flaring.
Andrea pay attention, I expect you to be... Put that photo down. Andréa perhaps in grade school you did not learn that you do not touch my things.''
Snappy and snatching it from Andy, pushing down all her younger photos at school. Andréa did not need to witness Emily with acne and braces or dressed as a carrot in a grade school play.
Blimey her Mum and snapping pictures.
Emily held the framed picture of Runway's Christmas party last year away from Andy who'd been defacing it with her breath. That strange look at Miranda in the photo came over her face again.
Just like the Manson family members and Jonestown had that trancelike look. Emily gave a snigger, Andrea was hardly transparent about her crush on Miranda.
Pathetic.
''I don't feel so good Em.'' Sachs did look peaky.
Andy's stomach growled loudly.
''Keep all bodily noises to yourself.'' Emily hoped Ohioans housebroke each other, placing her hand on Andy's forehead begrudgingly. ''You're burning up.''
Emily got a thermometer, just great Sachs is now sick.
Took her temperature in her ear. Adamant she wasn't sticking it anywhere else in Andrea. Emily's eyes blinked. 115 degrees. That seemed high.
Emily Charlton only did this with every emergency that popped up in her life. Had her on speed dial. Skyped her Mum.
''No Mum I'm not fired. No Miranda did not make me have a breakdown. No I do not need you to send Valium. I'm just home today. Yes really. Miranda gave me today off.
Very funny Mum. Runway is not closing down. No I am not pregnant. Yes. I'm a size 2 still. Mum. I am not putting on more weight to be curvy. I am not moving back home to Roehampton to work at Boots. Mum what do I do about a fever?''
Hanging up, talking to her Mum, made Emily stress eat, suddenly want chips or sugar. Rummaging in her fridge for carrot sticks or some cashews.
No way in hell was she sharing her coveted Jaffa cakes or Hob Nobs with Andrea. Emily got them from a Specialty British food store for expatriates wanting Wotsits and Walkers crisps.
Stopping on a boxed treat, Serena sweetly bought her yesterday from that quaint little bakery next to Starbucks. The label was 'Melusine's & Zelda's Enchanted Delights'.
Biting into a peanut butter chip muffin. Mmmm it was delicious. This was her little treat for the month. Fixing her hair that was done up with a metallic hair holder with stiff hair spray.
Told to give Andrea lots of fluids. She had Ribena. Water. Juice. Uncapping an Evian water for Sachs.
Setting her crutches down near the counter.
Andréa was shivering, Emily brought over a John Lewis blanket and thoughtfully put it around her.
Emily's phone buzzed. She saw it was Miranda calling on the hour, as sparkles glittered dusting over her and tickled up her nostrils as she shrunk down to a longhaired ginger coloured Shih Tzu with a top knot show cut, prancing over to Andy, oblivious to her new transformation.
Settling onto her cushion next to Andrea who was snoring under the blanket. Emily yawned tiredly herself, a nice nap just for a few minutes, she felt different all of a sudden. Lighter on her feet. Had she lost another pound? Why was everything black and white?
If Emily had been able to see colour and not now pooch colour-blind she would have seen petals fluttering around Andy.
Miranda stared at the phone in her office.
This was first time ever, Emily hadn't picked up and taken her call.
Pinching her nose bridge, she had explicitly told Emily she would call every hour, to check on Andrea.
Glancing at the clock it was just turning quarter to four.
Miranda was worried at Emily not answering. This wasn't fair to Emily to deal with this. Magic. Love spells and potions, all caused by Zelda, enchanting Andrea, to become falsely enamoured with her.
Her.
Andrea without a spell was repulsed by her. If she was aware of that kiss it would be no doubt absolutely repellent to Miss Ohio lip locking the Serpent of Seventh Avenue. The Ice Queen and the Dragon Lady.
That kiss. Miranda knees had melted, shakily still felt it, trust damn Andrea Sachs to do that brilliantly and in such a way to make her more flustered and now convinced that the brunette had to stay away from her. Far away from her.
It was bad enough with her dreams when Andrea worked for her.
Silky chestnut hair and toned. Pink tinted her ivory skin thinking of those lips.
Heard happy giggling in her office. No clacker would dare to. HR had sent a mousy temp up who was out on errands for Miranda.
''Zelda I can hear you.'' Miranda said to thin air.
'' You did say you didn't want to see us but never mentioned not hearing us. Mirybelle.''
Zelda was in a celebratory raucous mood at Mir doing magic. So proud of her uptight niece dusting off cobwebs and just did it. Finally stopped restraining herself.
''Imagine how strong it would be with all the kinks out. Try it, make me appear on a beach in Proeviencieles.''
Miranda curled her lip. ''No.'' Zelda could buy a plane ticket to Turks and Caicos and pay airfare like normal people.
Earlier after Andrea left with Emily marching her away. Miranda made Zelda and Melusine leave her office.
Saw both out curtly. For Miranda, Melusine and Zelda had unfortunately met Irv Ravitz walking into Elias Clarke building of all times.
''Miranda. Good I need to see you on Friday. The Board's dinner party is coming up. I trust you'll be enchanting them like Paris. ''
Miranda tilted her head. Her sharp blue eyes coldly having to be civil and placating to him. Miranda had to assuage a sort of forced smile at Ravitz who was still trying to usurp her position.
Turning Irv away from seeing Zelda rearranging a portrait of Ravitz along the wall. ''He's as oily as a troll. Mel remember when we had to make that potion for Napoleon to stop being so tongue-tied around Josie. He was a shorty too.''
Irv Ravitz took in a taller severe woman with a streak in her hair and a shorter plump frizzy haired lady with a huge smile.
''Oh and Miranda I look forward to seeing you make good on your promise in Paris.'' Leering at Miranda. Almost wanted to lift a finger at him. Stopped herself. Miranda scolded her lack of control. Stephen was a fluke this morning. Had to protect Andrea.
Staring at Irv Ravitz, Zelda peered at the short fellow. ''Have I seen you before?''
Zelda insisted she knew Irv Ravitz from Salem.
''Mel I know I've seen him on the committee who tried to burn us.''
On the sidewalk, Miranda again told them like at sixteen to leave her alone. ''I do not want to see you both again.'' Flouncing back into Elias Clarke.
''Filet of fenny snake in the cauldron, boil and bake.'' Miranda couldn't believe Zelda practising her mixology.
''It's for credits at the community college. Bartending for poker night.''
Pouring ingredients into the blender ... uh, cauldron '' Eye of newt and toe of frog, wool of bat and tongue of griffin. Adder's fork and blind worm's sting. Barbados lime is just the thing. Cragged salt like a sailor's stubble. Mel where did you put my vintage Belladonna- laced tequila.''
Zelda was putting the lid on the blender. '' Flip the switch ...and let the cauldron froth and bubble!''
Miranda turned down a dirty margarita the colour of midnight, which appeared as a peace offering on her desk, pushed it away. Miranda was not in a bar in sunny Barbados.
''It has rosemary to make you forget any bad behaviour. I know under that icy prissy prim staidness is a saucy minx wanting to break free.'' Zelda shook her head at her highly strung niece.
Her margaritas were the best and besides Zelda stated were harmless except for one time hallucinogens her jealous ex once slipped in. Didn't affect her. ''I'm way too imbalanced, it'd be redundant.''
There was that time on a wing of an airplane waving to BA passengers as it was flying.
This was typical of Zelda. Nonconforming and thinking once for younger Miranda starting school in September was optional. Once had only thought Zelda was endearingly eccentric.
''Zelda go away.'' Miranda called Emily again.
Miranda was worried after ringing again that Emily didn't answer her call this time as well.
Getting her coat and bag she was going to drop in on Emily, taking from Emily's desk drawer, an extra apartment key she left because Emily often lost her keys.
Called for Roy to meet her downstairs.
Stepping onto the elevator, pressing down.
Sliding into her town car.
''Roy take me to Emily's.''
Andy stretched, rubbing her eyelids, groggy waking up, feeling weird.
This wasn't her place. Where was she? Confused Andy saw a toy dog on its back with a tongue hanging out, snuffling sprawled on a needlepoint cushion.
Dusting off some petals as she stood up.
Andy had no idea whose loft was this. All modern and stark.
''He-Hello?'' What the hell happened to my voice? Gravelly and rougher. Andy touched her throat. Just needed some liquid to get the scratch out of it.
She'd just go and get a glass of water, pulling off her heels that pinched and felt small, blearily Andy went to the kitchen sink, splashing her face, catching her reflection in the stainless steel.
Brown eyes became wide as distance.
Andy Sachs didn't do drugs so it wasn't that. It was dream. Just a dream, a crazy dream. Pinching a toned arm to wake up.
Not working by waking herself up. Okay Sachs time to wake up, pinched herself again harder.
Where the hell were her clothes? More importantly where the hell were her breasts? Wrapped in a soft blanket which fell to her ankles.
Looking down at it.
What the! How in the world did she have a….
Biting her lip. This had to be a dream. Come on wake up Andy whimpered to herself.
Yup this was one of those odd eat cheese before bed dreams and I have manly bits. Bit her lower lip, maybe she shouldn't have had a Tompkins Square Bagel with birthday cake cream at 11pm last night.
This was the reason for this weirdness.
It felt real.
Heard the door opening and a voice that Andy knew very well calling out. Miranda walked through the door. ''Emily? ''
''Andrea?'' Caressing her name across her tongue in that way that made Andy react with a tingle.
Andy squeezed her eyes shut. This was a dream. Wake up now Sachs.
Great dream Miranda's sensual voice just made a part that Andy does not possess between her legs, stand to attention with a stiff hello. A boner.
Think of Nate's ear hair. No her Mom. No think of Aunt Gladys's bunions. Her grandma's moustache. Her grandmother waxing her legs. Something disgusting like toenails. The Knicks losing scores that was enough to make anything deflate.
Why did she have the most embarrassing thing happen even in a dream with Miranda, Andy often made a humiliated fool out of herself in real life with Miranda easily enough.
In this too, her dreams.
Andy saw a spatula, reached for it. ''Down.''
Miranda saw him.
Screamed. At the naked intruder. ''Stay back. I have 911 on the line.'' Holding her phone up in front of her as a warning to this exhibitionist.
''Yes Operator I have a naked attacker at 188 …put on hold. Wonderful she'd be defiled and her throat slit before they got back on the line.
Andy was taller and stronger, grabbed the phone from Miranda. Almost wrestled to get it from the dragon. Struck by her handbag. What did Miranda carry around bricks?
Holding the IPhone triumphantly. ''Easy there. I'll give you this phone back only if you stay calm. I'm not going to hurt you. Miranda.''
Blue eyes cut to slits at him. Emily and Andréa were not here, what had he done to them?
''How do you know my name?'' Was he a naked sick pervert stalking her?
Andy almost gave a full smile at the frosty silver haired Editor who Andy saw now was scared. Putting on a brave face but she was shaking as Andy moved closer towards her.
Miranda warned. ''Don't come any closer.''
Made to scream again as Andy put her hand over her mouth, pinned by him against the fridge.
''I-I use to work for you. I'm Andy-Andréa.''
Miranda didn't believe this no clothes wearing assailant was her last assistant
''I'm going to let you go if you promise not to scream Miranda. Promise me.''
Saw one of Emily's crutches propped against the counter, a wicked smiled formed.
Hit.
It felt like she was dying. Like an ice cream headache to her crotch. This felt real and it hurt like a mother, it hurt too much to be a dream.
Andy knew now why it looked painful when guys' gems were smashed. The sharp point of Miranda's Louboutins about to grind down. Andy painfully moaned.
''It is me. Honest. I swear.'' Andy didn't seem to care she was naked here. Like naked as the day she was born with an extra part now. '' Miranda. I am Andy. Get my bag.'' Gasping out in defeat.
Miranda went and got it. Not turning her back on the in the buff stranger who was rolling on the floor in pain. If he tried anything Miranda eyed the plug in waffle iron.
''In my wallet. My parents are Richard and Katherine Sachs. My blood type is A+. There is a picture of me with them and I have a birthmark on my inner thigh…here I'll show you. Look.''
Miranda made a strangled noise at that. She was not looking between his legs.
Didn't believe him at all. ''Prove it. Tell me something only Andréa Sachs would know?''
''You ordered me like some Latin American generalissimo, to get you the Harry Potter unpublished manuscript for the twins because I came upstairs and saw you and Stephen arguing.'' Miranda's eyes flashed at him.
Pointing her tapered finger at Andy dangerously. Between her-his brows.
''You drink caramel coffee but only when staying late at the office and you always lick the spoon… Cassidy got an A+ on my science project on the solar system I spent all night on and Caroline once called the office and you hummed to calm her down when a bully Gloria made her cry when Roy was late… You play with your reading glasses which is really distracting but sexy…and in the suite in Paris you were crying for Cassidy and Caroline handling another divorce and what the press would write and hurt your girls. You were wearing a grey robe and no makeup.''
Andrea was the only one in her room that night with her. ''How do you know that?''
Miranda was startled, peering into brown eyes. Trembling as she moved closer. ''Andrea?''
It was Andréa in there. Same eyes.
Suddenly very aware of Andréa naked.
Her Aunts had done this. Making a choking sound at full frontal. Andy grabbed a tea towel to cover up.
Andy was looking for a bag of frozen vegetables, placing it to herself. On her newly acquired in pain goolies.
Miranda rubbed her face. ''Where is Emily?'' Both looked at the toy dog peevishly yapping at Miranda's heels.
''Emily.''
Andy hoarsed out. ''That's Emily!''
This was not happening. Andy needed to sit down. This morning was very blurry, she remembered she ate a cupcake at that cute bakery near Starbucks.
Did the consumed cupcake have weed in it or a hallucinogenic? More than likely. Highly likely. By her now looking like a long haired Marlon Teixeira with pecs.
Or this was a breakdown. Knew should have listened to Dad and moved back home last week and gone to work at The Cleveland Courier. Yup write about bake sales or country fairs or jam making or worse give up on writing and apply to Hank's Dinky Donut World which had openings.
Andy knew her fifth grade locker combination. She knew Monday follows Sunday, and that summer follows spring. But this was not possible and this was not a dream.
Feeling it behind her eyes. Boys no men don't cry or weep. She was. Like watching The Notebook.
'' No, no, no, don't cry. Please stop crying Andrea. There's a perfectly good explanation.'' Miranda was at a loss for one though.
''I can't help it.'' Looking miserably up at Miranda.
''Here.'' Reaching into her handbag for a tissue.
Andy dabbed her lids then blew loudly.
Picking up Emily who was yapping out of control. Placing her on her kitchen counter who was barking at both of them. ''Emily. Quiet.''
Emily the little dog obeyed Miranda. Her alert little eyes squinty at sobbing Andy with her flower pattern dish towel and frozen Birds Eye pack of mixed veggies in his lap.
Miranda knew this state Andrea was transformed into, had to be because of Zelda's spell.
Hardening her blue eyes. Miranda called them.
''Zelda. Melusine come here now.''
Andy saw them. Appear. That wasn't possible. It was almost like magic.
Zelda popped alongside Melusine to Miranda. ''Mirybelle. I was just having a few friends around for my Margaritas and poker. Do you want one now. We're having a protest march next week on us witches being shown as ugly old hags. I think you would be an perfect face for the campaign.''
Andy saw a glass float in mid-air.
Both saw him. Zelda flirted. ''Hi handsome. Drink?''
Miranda crossed her arms seriously. ''Zelda this is my spell admirer do you notice anything different about Andrea.''
Andy shuddered she knew that tone from Cerulean. Waspish and viperish.
Melusine's jaw dropped open, gaping at Andy. Zelda circled Andy fascinated as she covered a toned chest.
Andy stared at both of them scared. Gulping as her brown eyes grew frightened.
They were witches. Tucking her knees together. What did they want with her? That meant Miranda was one also. A witch.
Blurting this outloud without thinking. ''You're a witch.''
Icy blue eyes connected to Andy's. ''Yes Andrea exactly right, I am.'' Looked at as if Andy had said something incredibly rude to her.
''Stay back. Stay away from me.'' Andy warned, backing up from Miranda.
''Calm down Andrea. We're not going to hurt you.'' Andy made a sound of disbelief.
''I swear.''
Melusine kindly stepped in. ''Here let me fix this. Roses are red, violets are blue I am me and you now are back to you.''
Nothing happened. Melusine looked perplexed. ''Strange usually that unenchants anyone.''
Andy had squeezed her lids shut. Opening slowly back to face her. Miranda. ''Change me back.'' Andy demanded desperately.
''Andrea I cannot.'' Miranda wished she could.
''What kind of a witch are you.'' Andy snarled.
Miranda saw Andy still had the same irritating her always personality. ''One that doesn't like your tone Andrea. Here let me try Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo. Happy now.''
''That's not funny.'' Andy said. Miranda quirked a small smile at Andy's outrage. Brown brows furrowing at her angrily. ''Please Miranda make me be me.''
''I can't do that Andrea. Zelda here is responsible for this.'' Zelda waved behind Miranda's suit shoulder cheerfully. ''Hi there.''
Admiring her work. '' It's amazing.'' Miranda slapped Zelda's hand away from Andy's dishtowel. ''Zelda. Don't. Stop ogling Andrea's abs or buns.''
''Sorry.'' Sheepishly Zelda muttered. ''I did a good job. I only used the finest ingredients on you. Porpoise milk. Crushed black Peruvian rose petals. Nigella seeds. Madagascar vanilla bean. Tezcatlipoca chocolate. A rare orchid for the you know…''
Andy blushed.
Melusine repeated calmly to her little sister. ''Zelda you added crushed Peruvian black rose petals and Tezcatlipoca Aztec cocoa butter to Amas Veritas. What else?''
Zelda shrugged casually. ''This and that.'' She was caught out now, might as well come clean. ''I tweaked it for Mir. To be perfect.''
Melusine looked a lot like Miranda for a moment to Andy. ''You altered a thousand year old recipe with this and that.''
Zelda nodded. She knew Mel was mad. By the twitch of her eye. Furious with her.
''Mel. Maybe it's just one of those 24 hour things. Like a head cold.''
Andy stared at the three of them accusingly. ''You better figure out how to get my damn body back. I don't want to be a guy, OK? I especially don't want to be one near you Miranda, as this or as me. ''
Andy missed Miranda's look of hurt in her blue eyes.
Emily trotted at Andy's heels. Making her yappy opinion known to Andy. ''Tough I'm in your things.''
Andy opened a drawer in Emily's walk-in closet. Only Emily would have underwear with days of the week on them. Great Andy's privates now knew it was Wednesday.
Found a pair of sweatpants shorts and cut off Ibiza midriff t-shirt. Great she looked like a Village person Yoga instructor minus tube socks.
Andy was going back to her place and maybe sleep this off. Do yoga and eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Maybe wake up with no member.
Grabbing her purse, barefoot walking out on the witches. She was going to do what every frightened girl who's ever been turned into a guy in one afternoon did. Call her Mom in Ohio.
''Andrea don't. Stay we'll find a way to break this. '' Miranda promised.
''Miranda I don't work for you remember, so no I'm not staying with you. You did this to me for some sick reason and here. Here's Emily your obedient little lapdog and if the broom fits, ride it Miranda.''
Handed Emily the long haired Shih Tzu who nipped Andy.
Andy held her bit hand and was heard in the hall, insulting Miranda. ''Runway's Witch.''
Not hearing Miranda's sincere words. ''Andrea I didn't do this to hurt you. I wouldn't hurt you.''
Andy got as far as downstairs before she was swooshed back. What the hell?
Fuming as she found herself sitting next to Miranda on Emily's couch. The dog looked almost smug in Miranda's lap.
Andy through gritted teeth. ''Don't.''
Zelda cleared her throat. ''It appears your both stuck together. By Mir's side. For however long the spell is.''
Terrific. Now what dancing naked under the Manhattan moon.