Out of Hand by relativelypositive
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and I make no money from the use of J.K. Rowling's characters.
Chapter 9: Pinball
Saturday Morning, Granger Household
When was the last time I used a highlighter?
Hermione stared longingly at the colorful row of highlighters in front of her father, Timothy. She itched to grab the yellow (always the best!) even though she had no notes to punctuate. The wide expanse of her parents' oversized desk reminded her of doing her homework here while one of her parents toiled on the other side. They were safe memories. Muggle memories.
"Okay, Hermione," Catherine Granger started as she hustled into the room. She handed Hermione a clipboard. (A clipboard! Hermione was secretly pleased.) "Shall we start?"
Timothy put down his notes and set his iPhone to silent. "Hermione, we attacked those books all night," here he pointed to a stack of ten to fifteen intimidating, dusty tomes, "and have compiled the pertinent data. There are just a few key rules you need to keep in mind."
Hermione felt an irrational moment of panic.
"Dad, don't start yet! How can I take notes?" Hermione lifted her fluorescent green cast with a forlorn expression on her face. She loved to take notes. Stupid Malfoy.
"Don't be silly, sweetheart."
Hermione's head snapped towards her mother.
"I made a PowerPoint."
Catherine popped up and switched on the projector. Hermione's jaw dropped.
She swiveled in her office chair to face the correct direction. She couldn't wait to see this.
On a large screen in the corner, COURTSHIP RITUALS popped up in a funky hot pink font, swirled in a circle, and settled in the top left-hand corner.
Her parents stood to each side and began.
"Courtship rituals are taught when a young witch or wizard turns twelve. We don't know why no one told us about this, but we have our solicitor on it. Anyway. Number one!"
Here Hermione's parents looked at each other. They were clearly each waiting for the other to do something.
"Catherine, don't you have the clicker?"
"I thought you were going to use it! We practiced this!"
"That's right, sorry! Where did that thing go?"
Timothy went back to the desk and started looking under his notes.
"Got it!" He looked too proud to have only found a remote control.
"And…number one!" announced Catherine, again.
The word "Attraction" popped up in green script.
"We gave you the sex talk years ago, and we assume you remember it."
Hermione did. She remembered the puppets.
She nodded.
"Good. For us, attraction starts with seeing a person that looks appealing. It is the same with wizards and witches."
"Watch the 'us and them' statements!" warned Timothy. He turned back to Hermione. "We struggled with how to present these steps, and wanted to equate them with familiar terms, but we didn't know how to do it without sounding like we were separating you from us. Does that make sense?"
"There's been a division between us since I started Hogwarts. I know. You won't offend me."
It was a source of sorrow for Hermione, feeling disconnected from her family. But being a witch was also a source of pride. She didn't want her parents to think that she preferred the Wizarding world. Even though she did.
"Just so you know, we approached this almost like different religions. Neither way of doing things is wrong. The beliefs and practices are different, but the end goal is the same."
"Thanks, Dad. I understand. Can we move on?"
"Of course. So…attraction. You see a young man and think you'd like to know him. It can end there. There is nothing wrong with wondering about a man or talking to him. Everyday conversation can either build a relationship or make you realize that you don't get along. Wizards call it showing an interest. The more interest you show in a person, the more your magic will take notice."
"You can remain in this state for years without anything happening," added Catherine. "Your two best friends are boys, Hermione. If your magic was stirred by either of them you'd know it by now."
"Oh!" That was surprising. Her crush on Ron had sometimes seemed overwhelming to Hermione. She always thought that since she acknowledged his bad traits yet accepted him anyway, that meant that she loved him.
Maybe it was, instead, the mark of true friendship.
Timothy advanced the PowerPoint. "Dating" appeared under "Attraction" and danced a little jig before settling into its spot.
"Dating!" announced Timothy unnecessarily. "Wizards call this the first step in the courtship ritual. Muggle? Is that the right term for us?"
"Yes." Hermione was comfortable with the term, but her parents were clearly more reticent about using it.
"Muggle-style dating includes just about any activity, and just about any physical interaction. Not so for wizards. Think of it as being on a perpetual first date. You talk about your likes and dislikes, your family and friends. You learn what makes a person tick. Your magic will be judging your interaction. One of the more troubling aspects of this phase is that your magic will not always distinguish between positive and negative feelings. Instead, it notices that you are thinking about that person a lot, looking at that person a lot, talking to that person a lot. There is little to no physical interaction in the first step."
"The second step I equate with going steady," Catherine said. She nodded at Timothy and he hit the clicker. "Amorous Verification" slid from the left of the screen and stopped under "Dating."
"I used the wizarding term here because it is a separate step. Muggles include it in the dating phase. Wizards want to make clear to their children that this is a huge step. This can be the end of the relationship altogether, or the beginning of the physical relationship."
"Your mother is trying to say that this step is snogging. Kissing. Holding hands. Hugging. This can be quite heated. You either like it or you don't. Your magic either likes it or it doesn't. This is the first point where your magic makes a connection with the other person's magic. It pokes and prods, approves or disapproves."
"Nothing in this step is dangerous as long as it's kept under control," added Catherine.
"Dangerous?"
"Yes. We'll get to that in a moment. We're giving you the idealized version first. There are caveats and provisos. Too many to count, really, but we'll get to that later."
Timothy continued with a click. "Formalization" took over the screen.
"This is where it gets tricky. You can languish in the Interest and Courtship phases indefinitely. Amorous Verification is very short. It can literally be as short as a few seconds. Your magic can say 'nothing doing' and give up immediately. Or it can say 'WOW' and zip around like a ball in a pinball machine. You can accidentally advance to the next phase by…groping I guess is the most accurate term. If you make any contact with each other's naughty bits, even through clothing, your magic will take that as proof that you intend to procreate. And as far as your magic is concerned, that only happens when you are married."
Catherine pulled a chair over to Hermione and grabbed her good hand.
"Magic doesn't realize that times have changed. This means Wizarding courtship hasn't, and in some ways can't, change. Your magic both reads into things and takes them at face value. For the most part it is indistinguishable from your own personality, your own feelings, your own identity. But in courtship, your magic works without your knowledge. It is easy to bind yourself to someone. Formalization is what wizards call engagement. And engagements are irrevocable."
Hermione's parents both took a deep breath, as though steeling themselves for something distasteful.
"Up until this point we have ignored the reason this was brought to our attention. We received a sternly worded letter from Professor McGonagall. She said that you claimed to have been intimate with a boy. Is that true?" Hermione's father looked sick to his stomach.
"Well, yes. But there is more to that story."
Timothy and Catherine exchanged another look. Catherine started to squeeze Hermione's hand a little too hard. She looked apologetically at Hermione, and then began again.
"Witches and wizards never speak of sex. They are warned against it from the moment they learn what it is. Magic…well, according to the books, your magic takes any mention of sexual activity seriously. You don't have to have physically done anything to essentially skip to the Amorous Verification stage."
"Honey, you can think about it, you can make elaborate plans for it, you can write about it, but you cannot do it, and you cannot speak of it," her father clarified.
Hermione asked if she could take a quick break, and they all took five minutes to let everything sink in.
She watched her father grab his phone. She laughed when she realized he was texting. Her father texts.
"Really, Timothy, we're explaining an important life change to our daughter and you're on your phone?"
"Just checking to see if the Egglesfields are available for dinner."
"Oh. That would be nice. Hermione would probably like to see an old friend."
An old friend? Claire Egglesfield? With any luck, Hermione would be eaten by a roving pack of wolves before dinner.
"I'd like to get back to it if that's all right?"
"Of course, darling. Timothy, lose the phone."
Timothy lost the phone.
"Back to the subject of how your magic can take statements and turn them into an engagement. Professor McGonagall suggested we equate it to a spell. You speak aloud to work a spell, and you use your wand as a conductor to guide your magic. When you mention a person by name, and speak of sex or engagement or marriage, your magic essentially thinks you've chosen your husband, and acts accordingly. It does what it thinks you're directing it to do. Just like a spell. Does that make sense?"
"Sadly, yes. It makes perfect sense."
"So, you said something about this boy…something naughty?"
"I don't want to repeat it if it's all the same to you."
"Have you ever said anything like that before?"
"No. The whole thing was…a joke."
"Well, now that you know what to avoid saying or doing, you can keep yourself safe. No harm done!"
Catherine turned to her computer and started fiddling with the screen.
Hermione knew she had to come clean.
"That's not all."
Her mother stopped fiddling and her father put his phone back down.
"Not all?"
"No. See, word somehow got back to him and he cornered me."
"Did he hurt you?"
"No. I was hysterical. I had just come from seeing Professor McGonagall and I had barely slept. He pulled me aside to ask about our 'night together.' Before that, though, I said…I said…fuck me."
"Hermione!" She'd now mentally scarred her father.
"No! No, I had said it to Professor McGonagall!"
"Hermione!" Now she'd shocked her mother, too.
"Quit interrupting me! I didn't mean it literally to either of them! I was laughing! I was seriously out of control for a few minutes. I told him what I said. I was talking to him like a friend! It was odd. I just didn't feel like I normally did when dealing with him. I think that moment made a difference."
"Hermione, you realize…"
"Yeah, I got it. My magic didn't differentiate. It thought I was getting ready to do the nasty."
Something occurred to her.
"We need to check the paper later. I wrote this whole 'I don't want to marry him' ad, and actually paid to have it published because he told me to. It was supposed to help with this situation. Later I found out he was pranking me. Anyway, we avoided each other all day, and then I got pulled out of class. That's when I found out I was coming home. I ran to send in my ad and he was right behind me."
"What did he want?"
"To find out what was happening, I guess. He said…he said he was fucking with me. That's why he told me to write the ad. Then, there was this…I've been thinking of it as a 'zing' in my magic."
"The pinball machine."
"Yeah, it felt like that. Both times."
"It happened twice?"
"Yeah, again on the train. I was laying some truth on him when I started saying something about engagement. Then, you know, zing. If I'd had any idea that flippant words could change the course of my life, I'd have taken a vow of silence."
"I assume we don't have to worry about you becoming engaged to McGonagall, right?"
"Funny, Dad. Thank the heavens, no. Some day I'll tell you about the debate I had with Ron. It ended in him fainting, so I don't think you're ready for it yet."
"Well, your zing certainly worries me," Catherine remarked. "We need to find out exactly how far that means you are in the courtship process."
The unmistakable crack of apparition stilled everyone in the room, even though Hermione was the only one who knew what it was. She cursed the fact that she was underage. Could she defend her family?
Then the doorbell rang.
Hermione ordered her parents to stay in the study. Her father protested but she pulled out her wand and he backed down pretty quickly, realizing her advantage.
As she made her way to the door she wondered if it was Professor Dumbledore, or maybe Professor McGonagall to take her back to Hogwarts. Or maybe it was Lucius Malfoy, come to do her in for ensnaring his only son.
She looked through the peephole but couldn't see anyone. Had they left?
When the pounding came again she was still looking out the peephole and accidentally smacked her forehead into the door.
She rubbed it a bit, and vaguely wondered if it would leave a mark.
She took a calming breath and cracked open the door.
A flash went off in her face and she realized it was a photographer.
Hermione was stunned. Why would anyone want a picture of her?
The photographer got a good six or seven pictures before she came to her senses and slammed the door.
When the knock came again she almost ignored it. She wanted to. But she also wanted answers.
She steeled herself and pulled open the door.
"Oi! What are you-"
Hermione broke off when she saw all that long silver hair.
A/N:
I have stared at this chapter too long. I have rearranged it, pared it down, built it back up, erased chunks, and read it backwards. Don't ask.
It makes sense to me. I hope it makes sense to you.
Thanks to ASJS, Kermit 304, Somnus Verus, pumpkin314159, Chester99, brighteyes2889, KodeV, eliza6801, Tar-Silmarien, and werevampluvr for reviewing. You are all keeping me on schedule!