So I am up at 3AM posting fanfiction...I'm not sure why. Anyway...thanks again for the reviews. They are much appreciated as always.

She hadn't had nightmares in a long time. They used to happened every single time she closed her eyes and sometimes even when she was awake, but with time and therapy Olivia was proud of the fact that she could fall asleep without the constant fear that she'd wake up in terror, fearing a dream so life-like that she felt she was reliving the worst moments of her life over and over again. Maybe it was because she wasn't expecting it that the dream was able to overtake her whole body in such a frightening way that she couldn't seem to awaken from it…like it was engulfing her and suffocating her as she gasped for breath.

He was on top of her…she wanted to fight him, trying to think of anything she could do to throw him off, but all of her training seemed locked away in some corner of her mind that she couldn't access anymore. She couldn't move her arms…clasped above her head with her own handcuffs…or her legs that were bound together by something, rope or wire…something that cut and burned when she tried to move her ankles, and tape around her knees to force the bones to rub painfully into one another. He pulled her hair, using it to hold her head back so she looked straight into his cold, evil eyes and he yanked the tape off her mouth so quickly that she was sure her skin had come off with it. She wanted to scream, but no one could hear her. He was the only one there…and no one was coming to save her this time. He shoved some pills down her throat and she choked on them, retching until he yanked her head up and shoved them back down making her gag on his fingers. Then he opened the vodka and poured it down her throat. She didn't want to swallow it, but she felt like she was drowning as it stung her throat and she had no choice. Then he tortured her, touched her, carved and burned his marks into her skin until she passed out and when she woke up it would start all over again…and no matter what he did or how he maimed her body, it was the vodka bottle that seemed to mock her…

"I'll never let anyone else have you…" her mother picked up the jagged vodka bottle from the floor where she had dropped it. "No one else wants you anyway…" Olivia ran from her, but it was only a matter of time before the sharp edge of the bottle was against her throat. She was going to die, and not because she'd told her mother she wanted to get married at sixteen, but because she'd made her drop the last of her precious booze on the floor. "Bitch…no one is going to save you…" she heard her mother yell and for the first time Olivia felt such intense fear and rage that she was sure she had to kill her mother before she let the woman kill her. She couldn't stop herself, as she kicked her mother so hard that she stumbled back and then kicked her once more so she flew across the room and banged her head on the wall, falling to the ground. Then Olivia stood there, watching her for a minute…trying to decide what to do…give the one final blow that would put an end to her pain and suffering or run out the door and ask for help? In the end, she couldn't watch her mother die…so she ran out the door.

She had overpowered him…cuffed him to the bed where he had taken so much pleasure in the task of inflicting pain not only on her body but her soul. And now he continued to torment her, daring her to shoot him and taunting her by saying she wasn't strong enough to do it. She put down her gun, refusing to give in to what he wanted. He wanted to die…to go out in one final quick moment where he was in control and made her do what he wanted. He'd forced her to beg for her life, to do things she'd never thought she'd do just to stay alive…and he wasn't going out on his own terms. She was going to make sure of that. He didn't know who he was messing with. She picked up the metal bar and pounded it into his flesh while his blood oozed all around her and she hit him over and over, harder and harder, and she couldn't stop herself this time. No one was coming to save her…

"Olivia…" she jumped at the sound of the voice, gasping for air and screaming out in pain before she realized the agony she felt had been in her dreams. "I'm sorry…I was in the hall…" Richard's eyes were terrified as he stared at her sweaty, shaking body. "You were screaming…is something wrong? Should I go get Dad?"

"Dickie…" she could barely hear her own voice as she looked around the room trying to remember where she was. "I had a nightmare…" her voice shook and she felt her stomach churning, sickened by the horrific memories her subconscious chose to disguise as a dream. She wasn't sure she could move, her body weak and shaking from the ordeal, but she managed to pull herself up from the bed and made her way past Elliot's oldest son and into the hallway bathroom in time to heave violently into the toilet.

"Dad!" Richard yelled fearfully down the stairs. "Dad…Olivia's sick…something's wrong... Dad!" he yelled again as Elliot came running up the stairs.

"What's wrong with her?" Elliot asked, seeing the panic on his son's face.

"I came up here to change after we came in from sledding and she was screaming…really loud…" he said nervously. "I opened the door to check on her, and she started shaking and then she just started throwing up…" he pointed toward the bathroom door.

Elliot pushed open the bathroom door, frightened when he saw Olivia collapsed in a huddle on the floor. "Liv…" he knelt down to her and he realized she was crying…a silent, painful cry like he had never seen before. "Liv…what's wrong? Is it the baby?" He was scared to death as he put his arms around her, "Do you need to see a doctor?"

"It's not the baby," she managed to say through her sobs.

"Then what is it?" he asked. "Let me help you…"

"You can't help me…" she cried. "No one can." She tried to stand up from the floor, but her legs gave out from under her and she fell back in his arms.

"God Liv," he said, his voice filled with fear. He picked her up and carried her to the bedroom, laying her carefully on the bed. "Tell me what's going on. Dickie said you were screaming. Are you hurt?"

"I had a nightmare," she curled up on the bed, pulling the covers up under her chin. "Tell Dickie I'm sorry I scared him."

"Olivia…what the hell is going on?" Elliot asked. "This was more than a nightmare…"

"It hasn't happened in so long…" she cried. "I really thought…I thought I was getting better…"

He put his hand on her shoulder, rubbing it gently. "Do you need to talk to someone…someone besides me?" he asked.

"You mean do we need to make a 911 call to my therapist?" she snapped without meaning to. "It's Christmas Day, Elliot. I'm sure he has better things to do."

"Then talk to me," he said gently. "Please…I've never seen you like this…never…"

"That's because you missed out on a lot when you were hiding out here in Queens and ignoring me for three years," she heard the words come out of her mouth and she regretted them, but she couldn't stop the anger from spewing out.

"Then tell me…" he knew she was scared and taking it out on him, but he also knew reacting to her anger wasn't going to help matters. He wanted her to be okay, and he didn't know how to help her…and that scared him more than anything. "What happened in your dream?"

"You don't want to know," she said seriously.

He brushed the hair away from her face, "Yes…I do…" he said.

She didn't say anything for a long time and he was about to give up when her voice broke through the silence, small and weak, and he realized he didn't even recognize it. She sounded so different…so broken…so hurt. "Lewis…and my mom…they were both there, and I kind of went back and forth between the two of them…"

"What were they doing?" Elliot asked, admittedly scared of the answer. He knew some things about her mom and he knew some things about Lewis…but he knew he didn't know everything she had endured from either one of them and he wasn't sure he'd ever find out. He wasn't sure he wanted to.

"They both wanted to kill me…" she cried. "So I had to kill them first…"

"Liv, you didn't kill your mom…and you didn't kill Lewis," he reminded her. "It was just a dream."

"I tried to…" she admitted. "No one was there to save me…I had to save myself…"

"Honey…you were dreaming," he said again.

"Are you not listening to me?" she asked. "When I was sixteen years old, I nearly killed my own mother Elliot. And I tried to kill Lewis. And now…my mind won't let me forget it. It just replays over and over again. Something is wrong with me. My father was a horrible, violent person…and I'm a horrible, violent person…"

"Liv, you know that isn't true," he sighed.

"There is something wrong with me," she insisted again. "I can't even be happy on Christmas…the first time I've ever had the chance to share it with a family of my own…and I can't be happy. I just want to curl up and hide. It's too hard." She cried.

"There is nothing wrong with you," Elliot squeezed her shoulder. "You've been through a lot, Liv. Things that no one should ever have to go through. And you did what you had to in order to survive it…"

"It's been so long since I've had this dream," she said again. "Why now? God, if Dickie hadn't woken me up…the next part would've been Lewis forcing me to hold that gun to my head and pull the trigger…" she began to gasp for air. "El…I can't go back there again…every time I just know I'm dying…"

"Slow down and breathe…" he knew she was being sarcastic about making a 911 call to her therapist, but he was wondering if he should call 911 anyway. He'd never seen her like this, and he was afraid she wasn't going to come out of this on her own. He knew she'd been diagnosed with PTSD, and he wasn't sure if this flashback dream was triggered by the stress of the holiday or if it would've happened regardless, but he knew she was sick and he was worried it could be affecting the baby too. "Liv…you're safe now. You're not back there with Lewis and you're not in that dream. You're here…with me," he held her and she clung to him and cried.

"I'm sorry…" her voice was soft, but he was relieved that it sounded more like her and less like a wounded animal.

"Liv…you don't have to be sorry," he stroked her cheek, "But what caused this? You said you've had this dream before…but you haven't had it in a long time…so why do you think it happened now?"

She shrugged, "I feel like I'm failing…" she admitted. "I missed most of Christmas Eve because I was at work and it was Noah's first one with me…It was our first Christmas together and while I was whining about wanting to sleep later, your ex-wife was downstairs making you a feast fit for a king…I've wanted a family for as long as I can remember, and yet all the noise and chaos seems to stress me out to no end…Lizzie asked me if the baby is kicking and I had to tell her I can't feel my own child moving inside of me…I'm failing at life, Elliot…" she looked seriously into his eyes. "That's why the dream came back. I've ruined everything…I've ruined my own happiness…and no one is going to save me from myself."

"Liv…" he didn't know what to say. It broke his heart to know she was in so much pain, that she was emotionally broken in ways he never imagined possible…and yet he loved her so much that all he wanted was to make things right for her. "You are not failing…" he promised. "Noah loves you, and he was so excited when you came home last night. And I would have much rather had a cozy morning in bed with you than eating Kathy's breakfast. And I love my family, but we would overwhelm pretty much anyone who wasn't used to us. And the baby just isn't kicking yet…it has nothing to do with you." He moved his hand to her stomach, rubbing gently. "And that dream…it's a horrific reminder of what happened to you…and you didn't deserve that…and you don't deserve to be reminded of it over and over again…but when it happens, I want you to know that I will be here. You're not alone. I wish I had been there to save you, Liv…but you didn't need me because you saved yourself. You are the strongest person I know…and someone as strong as you, can't possibly fail."

She closed her eyes and he wondered if she was going to say anything. He was content to hold her while she sat in silence if that was what she needed him to do. But then she looked up at him and nodded, "I love you…" she whispered. "And I'm sorry for ruining Christmas."

"Christmas isn't over," he reminded her. He leaned over and kissed her softly. "But if you don't feel like doing something, it's okay. You don't have to join in on all the Stabler family activities, Liv. It doesn't mean you're not part of the family…it just means you need some time to yourself. We all understand that."

"Really?" she asked.

He nodded, "Yes. Believe me…we all need time away from one another once in a while." He smiled, "Are you going to be okay? Do you need anything…anything at all?"

She shook her head, "I think I need to apologize to Dickie. I scared him half to death."

"Do you want to come downstairs and watch Miracle on 34th Street?" he asked. "We can cuddle on the couch and the older kids can work on Christmas dinner and the little ones can play with their new toys…"

"Can we watch It's a Wonderful Life instead?" she asked. "I used to watch it with my mom every year…I'm not sure I've really watched it since she died."

"It's a Wonderful Life it is," he smiled and kissed her on the cheek. "New Stabler family tradition in honor of our newest members." He patted her stomach lightly and winked at her playfully.

She laughed a little, "Thanks, El." He nodded knowingly and helped her off the bed, not sure if she had regained her strength yet. He put his hand on her back, relieved to know she was walking steadily again and they headed downstairs. Richard was at the bottom of the stairs when they came down, his face still white and plastered with fear. Olivia reached out and hugged him, "Thanks for taking care of me," she said sincerely. "You did the right thing…getting your dad. I appreciate it…more than you know."

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm alright now," she answered. "But if you hadn't come in when you did…" she stopped. "I just wanted to say thank you."

"Do you want to watch It's a Wonderful Life with us?" Elliot asked.

"Okay," Richard answered. "I'll get Liz and Maureen. They're putting the ham in the oven." He walked into the kitchen.

Elliot and Olivia went into the living room where Eli was spinning cars across his race track. Noah was handing him the cars, at least the ones he wasn't putting in his mouth and Kate was grabbing them when they spun off the track and onto the floor. "That's what I call teamwork," Elliot teased as he stuck the DVD in the player and clicked on the TV.

"That's what I call a family," Olivia whispered as she sat down. Elliot sat next to her on the couch and she curled up next to him while the movie started. The older kids came in, sitting themselves in various places around the room. Olivia looked around at everyone and for the first time in days she felt okay about things. She wasn't an outsider looking in at the happy family…she was a part of it. Maybe being a part of the family didn't always feel the way she thought is should, but right now, it felt nice…and she was content with that.