Out of Hand by relativelypositive
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and I make no money from the use of J.K. Rowling's characters.
Chapter 22
The Girl Inside Hermione Granger: Meet the New Mrs. Malfoy
By Rita Skeeter
Hermione Granger, best friend of The Boy Who Lived, has finally gone insane.
You may remember her scandalous and reckless behavior during the Tri-Wizard Tournament two years ago, but you will now be shocked and appalled at how her brain has chosen to cope with the fact that she is a Muggleborn witch.
This reporter sat down with the controversial witch over tea and scones Sunday morning, and I tell you it was like no other interview that has ever been given in the history of the world.
"Good morning, Miss Granger. As we sit here enjoying our tidbits, tell me: how does it feel to know that you have a small army just across the hall willing to take up your banner and go to war?"
"Those idiots? Who cares? They just weren't good enough to be born into Pureblood families. If they weren't here, no one would care. Problem solved."
"I do find that statement surprising. As a Muggleborn yourself, and as the author of the article that started the whole revolution, are you saying that Muggleborns shouldn't be allowed into Hogwarts?"
"Let's start by saying that my name is Pansy Parkinson, and I am a Pureblood! Then let's continue on to the idea that Muggleborns, or M$$$$$$$$s, as I like to call them, should all be kicked out." (This reporter and her editor replaced the word. You know which one she used. Don't pretend.)
"I'm sorry…did you just claim to be someone else?"
"I am Pansy Parkinson. I am a Slytherin through and through. And I am going to marry Draco Malfoy, not that prissy little b$$$h. (Once again, my editor and myself felt the need to edit. Miss Granger has the most shocking potty mouth.)
"You are, hmm?"
"Quite. I will face down every witch alive. I will take them out one by one. I am swift and cunning. The competition will be gone before they even knew I was there. No one else will get to have him."
"That sounds quite hostile."
"Tell that to Hermione Granger. Right now she's shackled to a wall where no one will ever find her."
"Could you…take me to her?"
"I could, but I won't. I told you. The competition will not survive. I will be the next Madame Malfoy if I have to take a hatchet to every single one of them to do it."
"Are you speaking of a metaphorical hatchet?"
"Nope."
This reporter is embarrassed to admit that I then had a short case of the vapors. It is with a sense of journalistic pride that I tell you I did not at that point run screaming from the castle.
"The Malfoys are a very prestigious family. Do you really think you should be aiming so high? A witch like yourself, maybe you should consider young Longbottom's proposal?"
"How did you know about that?"
"I cannot reveal my source."
"That M$$$$$$d b$$$h would be lucky if she got Longbottom. Any Pureblood family that takes her would be blood traitors! She should go back to her own world, and leave the rich and powerful Purebloods alone."
"Are you saying that you're targeting the sons of the rich and powerful elite?"
"I am the rich and powerful elite!"
"Sure you are. Have you ever met Narcissa Malfoy?"
"Our mothers are practically inseparable."
"Then why haven't you formalized your engagement?"
"Cissy wanted to wait to give Draco the illusion that he has a choice. But that's all over. I'm going to take care of this once and for all!"
"What about Harry Potter? You are clearly not done treasure hunting, but why have you given up on Potter? You've always been close, wouldn't it be easier to seduce him? Or Ronald Weasley! Have you given up your dream of joining the expansive Weasley clan?"
"Those morons that follow her around all the time? She's too oblivious to realize they use her to do their homework, but wouldn't date her to save their own lives. They know she's nothing but a brain in a shabby shell."
"Okay then, let's get back to your revolution."
"That stupid b$$$h should lead those M$$$$$$$s right back home! Quit interrupting my education with this nonsense! They've taken over the Great Hall! They're sleeping where we're eating. It's disgusting!"
"So you believe that there is no reason to add a Wizard Studies class to the Hogwarts curriculum?"
"Is that what they want? S$$t, I thought it was for something important. Why would we want to do that?"
"To avoid any accidents, for one. The rate of unintended engagements in the Muggleborn population has always been higher than in the Pureblood and Half-Blood populations put together. You don't think that symbolizes a need for more education?"
"F$$k no, it means all the dirty M$$$$$$d sluts should learn to keep their damn legs together. Nasty hussies. And I'm sure their hygiene is atrocious."
Well, dear readers, all I can say is that the witch that has been touted as the brightest of her age has gone completely bonkers. It is incredibly sad that this Muggleborn, an inspiration to so many, will have to be institutionalized.
What will become of her rebellion, and all the Muggleborns that follow her? Will they lose all hope?
And are the t-shirts and other merchandise returnable? It would be truly tacky to run around wearing last season's folk hero.
The true tragedy may be the fall of the Malfoy family. Being connected to this particular witch will certainly affect Draco Malfoy's standing in society. MARRIAGE has reported a steep drop in inquiries about the Malfoy heir this weekend, and the trend will probably continue.
So, to sum up, Hermione Granger has deluded herself into thinking she is Pureblood heiress Pansy Parkinson and she would murder any witch that attempted to marry Draco Malfoy.
Ironically, as we go to print, we at the Daily Prophet have received word that Pansy Parkinson has been brought in by the Aurors for a variety of foul and illegal behavior, including kidnapping. While she will soon be home with her parents, it appears she has also lost her mind.
We will print frequent updates as this fascinating story unfolds.
Also, apparently Draco Malfoy's engagement to Hermione Granger has been formalized. We fear for his life.
A/N:
At 3:11 pm on Friday, August 8, 2014, I got my 100th Favorite for this story. I'm not going to go insane and list all of you or anything. My OCD isn't that demanding. But I am going to say thank you.
This is my first story. I only had one goal, and I reached it. Don't worry; this isn't like high school track. I didn't only do it to put it on my transcript, then quit when it was convenient.
I'm saying in my goofy way that I'm going to stick with it until the end. I do love this story. I won't stop writing it.
So. New goal. Finish the story.
Even though the laundry is piling up.
Clean undies? Not important when there's fanfic to write! (Cue theme song: either "We Don't Need Another Hero" by Tina Turner or "Invincible" by Pat Benatar. A mash-up, if possible, would make my head explode.)
I will list my reviewers, though! My lovelies are…
Kermit 304, Lynn, LovelyAshes, Tar-Silmarien, lunarcat12, shaymars, Chester99, ASJS, brighteyes2889, giada, KodeV, Allen-holic, and jdbmcmahan2000, viki, victoria, viola1701e, HerDreama, JellyRain, MarinaBrooke, planetcal, and Vukk.