Chapter Fourteen
Things get easier as time goes on.
I hate who I have to be when I go to the Capitol. But I get to be someone entirely different when I go home, where Annie loves me unconditionally.
The Capitol is easier to bear during the next three years too because of Johanna's presence. The citizens expect her to be brash and uncompromising in her opinions and they're too stupid to realize she really does think they're the scum of the earth. President Snow knows about my relationship with Annie and he knows Johanna is dangerous so he doesn't object to our friendship, knowing that I won't fully ally myself with her and in the hopes that I can calm her down.
I don't even try.
Mags didn't mentor during the 72nd or 73th Games, leaving Muscida to come with me. She insisted on mentoring during the 74th Games. The reason is simple – the rebellion is close.
Annie's doing better too, so we decided she can be left on her own for a little while.
It helps that she's made friends with Messalina, a seamstress in town, and seems to really like helping her sew sheets and make clothes. I trust Messalina completely and there aren't rules about victors being allowed to have friends stay with them in the Victor's Village. She didn't hesitate to accept when Annie invited her to stay with her while Mags and I were in the Capitol.
That the tribute from Twelve was a thin, unassuming girl who volunteered to take the place of her sweet, innocent sister sent shockwaves through Panem. There was no doubt that Katniss Everdeen was far, far more dangerous than even she knew. I was frightened for her, because I knew she would be pulled into the rebellion – and probably not even know what was happening to her.
On the other hand, when she covered the little girl from Eleven with flowers – something that made Chaff cry openly in the mentoring room – she seemed like exactly what we needed to achieve the goal of ending it all.
And when she and Peeta Mellark came precariously close to taking their own lives rather than kill each other and let one win… I was more than a little surprised they weren't blown up right then and there. That might have been more merciful for them.
The winds changed to a far more dangerous thing when the mentors were banned from the Victory Party and the Crowning Ceremony. It was clear that President Snow did not want us getting to know the Star-Crossed Lovers from District Twelve that the Capitol loved so much. If the people in our districts saw us befriending them, they would pay more attention to what Katniss and Peeta did. It would give the people hope.
Hope is forbidden.
Messalina is still with Annie when Mags and I get home, but she slips into the kitchen with the promise of tea and leaves us three victors alone.
"He didn't kill them, did he?" Annie demands as she hugs me and then Mags, then me again.
I hold her too tight and bury my face in her hair. "No, he can't kill them."
"What about her sister? He won't kill her sister, will he?"
"No," Mags answers for me. "Everyone in Panem knows her sister. She has to be around for the Victory Tour celebrations. Who did they interview when she made it to the final eight?"
Annie steps back and just keeps one arm around me. "Her cousins. A widow and her four children."
"How old are the cousins?"
"The oldest could've been Reaped but will be too old next time. The youngest was maybe four. Why?"
She shakes her head sadly. "Too old for the Reaping. Means he'll be working in the mines. Worry about the cousins, not her sister."
Annie sighs and squares her shoulders. "Come on. The tea should be ready and we made a cake and soup."
"Those don't really go together," I point out as a I let her lead me, and Mags does too.
"The cake is for you, silly, since you only like sweet things. The soup is for Mags because she thinks your sweet tooth is silly."
Mags laughs and settles into a chair. "She's got a point there, boy."
I roll my eyes and feel the tension ebbing from my body. "See what I have to put up with, Messalina?" I ask, hoping to get her on my side.
She shrugs noncommittally and then proves whose side she's on. "We went into town and got you four more boxes of sugar cubes. Do you need some with your tea?"
There are six sugar cubes in the bowl on the table and I dump them all into my cup. "No, thank you," I smirk, "but you might want to open a new box for everyone else."
"Rot your teeth," Mags mutters, as she has for years. Then she thanks Messalina for staying with Annie and tells her she's welcome any time she'd like to come – and I know she must agree with me that she's Annie's friend and nothing more than that.
Things are better when we laugh but even that's different now. I hope the feeling wears off, or even just lessens some. Things are changing, I know that much. I just want a little carefree time with Annie before it all becomes real enough that it could rip us apart.
My tea got cold while my mind wandered and it's Annie's hand on my cheek that brings me back to the moment. We're the only people left in the kitchen and I only ate one bite of her cake. "I'm sorry," I say when she brushes her thumb over my cheekbone. "I didn't mean to fade away."
"Were your dates very bad?" she asks softly. "Or is it something to do with Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark?"
"The dates were the same as always." I hate the answer, but it's the truth. "Katniss and Peeta, I think, only mean that what I've been waiting for three years to see is going to happen. That scares me, I suppose, because I don't know how it will turn out. I can't know how it will end. I can't control it."
"You couldn't control your fate in the arena," she points out gently, "and you came out of that alright."
"I was only worried about myself then." I tug on her ear, telling her who I'm worried about now. "I've been able to control my fate, your fate, Mags' fate… all of it since I was in the arena. I can't now."
She stands and pulls my chair back so she can sit on my lap. When she's straddling me, she cups her hands around my face and lifts it so I have to look her in the eye. "Stop trying then. Stop trying to control everything. Stop trying to fix everything. Stop trying to carry the entire weight."
There's a lump in my throat that makes it hard to breathe. "I don't want you to get hurt, Annie," I say around it, still held in place by her body.
"You heal me, Finnick," she whispers, pressing her forehead to mine. "The only thing that could hurt me is losing you. And maybe I'd lose you in whatever secrets you and Mags have but there are other ways I could lose you too. Like when you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders and it's crushing you.
"And it is crushing you, Finnick. How can you heal me if your spirit is crushed?"
The lump moves from my throat to my chest and it's even harder to breathe. "I don't know what to do, Annie," I breathe. "I don't know what to do."
"Be strong, do what your heart tells you to do, stop listening to your brain." She makes it all sound so easy. "I'm stronger than you give me credit for. That means you can trust me to stay strong. Mostly. I won't ask what you and Mags whisper about. I'll let you take care of me that way. The less I know, the less you have to worry about me. Okay?"
I nod once and croak my agreement.
She smiles and brushes her thumb over my cheekbone. "And I'll worry about you, every moment of every day I will worry about you."
I exhale a shaky breath and kiss her. "I don't deserve you, Annie Cresta."
She flicks my ear and shakes her head. "That's beside the point, Finnick Odair. Whether you deserve me or not, you've got me for the rest of your life."
The invisible weight on my shoulders feels lighter and the lump has faded to nothing in my throat and in my chest. "That, Annie Cresta, is the best thing I have ever heard."
She kisses me again and it's a long minute before we pull apart. "I love you, Finnick," she whispers. "I love you today and I love you every time you take a breath, and I'll love you when you stop breathing. Never forget that."