A/N: Hey so I'm not dead, this story's not dead, nobody's dead! I've been meaning to update this for over a year and I finally got inspired by stupid things that make me laugh. Hopefully the good ju-ju sticks around and I'll finally update some other awesome strawhat moments this summer. BTW, this scenario occurs in 3 parts.
Road Trip Part I
"To Hell in a . . . Sporty Red Car?"
"Think about it, it'll be just me and you, all alone, together, no kids."
Robin thought about her husband's notion. Things had been pretty crazy lately around the house: Chopper's panic attack when he found pictures of himself all over his facebook page wearing a certain pop star shirt, Usopp's catapult taking a significant chunk out of the garage, and Luffy's "driving lesson" on the riding lawn mower through the living room.
"A break would be nice," she said. "But what about the kids? There's a possibility of a pile of rubble lying where our house should be."
"I'm sure Nami and Zoro can handle the ruckus just fine! They handled things pretty well last night when the Rock Band game got too out of hand."
"Hun, Nami shoved the drum stick up Luffy's nose."
"But he stopped wailing!"
"I'm still not sure we should leave them all alone for a weekend."
"Oh come on! We need this! Here, let's ask Zoro now."
Zoro lumbered into the kitchen, drenched in sweat, towel around his neck.
"Ask me what?" he said, grabbing a loaf of bread from the bread box and fishing in the silverware drawer for a knife.
Robin smiled sweetly, "If you wouldn't mind keeping everyone in line when Franky and I take some vacation time this weekend."
"Can't. Got a tournament in the city this weekend." Zoro fished out the peanut butter and started making a sandwich.
"Tournament for what?" Luffy asked, suddenly popping out from a cupboard under Zoro.
Zoro simply slid his stuff to the end of the counter and glared at Luffy. "My fight club, genius."
"Oh, so that's what you do for a living, Marimo?" Sanji sneered sauntering into the kitchen. "Lunch anyone?"
"Don't give me that shit, Curly Brow. I'm paying my rent." Zoro said, pointing his dirty knife at the cook.
"Yes, some lunch would be nice," Robin chimed.
"Oi Luffy! You were supposed to be hiding this time!" Usopp shouted, marching into the room and pointing accusingly at Luffy.
"I was! But then Robin and Franky started talking about stuff and Zoro came in and started talking about stuff and then Sanji came in insulting Zoro – "
"Hey! What did I say about clothes in the dryer? Don't throw your stuff in if there's already stuff in there!" Nami stormed in shaking a soggy ball of clothing above her head.
"Oh sorry, that was me," Usopp quietly responded. "I'll help you sort out the loads."
Nami sighed irritably and rolled her eyes to the ceiling. "Fine."
"Awww c'mon guys! I've been hiding in the hamper for a half hour now! Usopp, you were supposed to find me!" Chopper cried as he came shuffling into the kitchen.
Robin chuckled, the room suddenly very noisy and very crowded. She completely understood now that a little weekend getaway with her husband wouldn't be so bad anymore.
Tapping Nami on the shoulder to get her attention, Robin asked, "Nami, are you available this weekend?"
"No, sorry, I have to drive into the city to visit the museum for a project in my History class. Why?"
"Oh, well Franky and I were planning on having some alone time this weekend."
The room immediately went silent.
After a while, Chopper finally spoke up. "You're-you're leaving us alone for the weekend?"
"Hell yes," Franky barked. "My wife and I want a romantic weekend for ourselves, and we are going to get one without having to worry about you people razing the house to the ground while we're gone!"
Everyone was frozen in a shocked silence for a minute, then burst out laughing.
"AHAHAHAHAAA! Yeah, like that's gonna happen," Sanji said, wiping tears from the corner of his eye.
They all filed out of the room to find more interesting things to do, save for Nami, with Usopp in tow, Zoro still eating his sandwich, and Sanji preparing some lunch, elbowing the swordsman every so often just to piss him off.
Feeling rather pissed off by the cook's immature behavior, Zoro stuffed the remainder of his sandwich in his mouth and stalked off to the basement where Nami and Usopp were sorting soggy laundry.
"Hey, Nami," Zoro called as he descended the stairs.
"Yeah?" she responded.
"You heading into the city too?"
"Yeah, History project and to visit Vivi. She just got a new apartment downtown."
"Can I get a ride? I have a tournament there at The Arena."
"Pay me half gas, plus interest."
"Plus interest? How much interest?"
"Depends. Don't worry, I'll bill you later."
"Woman, I just need a lift to the city."
"Fine then, take the bus."
Zoro squatted beside Usopp who was sectioning off piles of soggy laundry, contemplating his predicament. Yes, he could just simply take the bus, stay in a hotel, all by himself, but he knew —and Nami knew— how he'd never get anywhere because of his horrid sense of direction.
"Ok, ok, I'll pay you half gas plus interest."
"Deal! I'm leaving at 9 tomorrow morning."
"Yeah, yeah, Miss Greed," Zoro mumbled.
"Zoroooooooooo, but why won't you play a game of football with us?" Luffy whined while following Zoro up the stairs.
"I told you, I've got to pack for my tournament this weekend."
Luffy continued to whine as they entered Zoro and Sanji's room where Sanji was kicked back on his bed reading a Taste of Home magazine.
"But Zoroooooooooooooooooooooooo—"
"No."
"—oooooooooooooooooooooooooo—"
"Oi, what're you doing, Marimo?"
"Packing, Cook."
"—ooooooooooooooooooooooooo—"
"For what? You moving out finally?"
"No, idiot. A Fight Club tournament this weekend."
"Gasp—ooooooooooooooooooooooooo—"
"Ah. I hope you lose then."
"—oooooooooooooooo—"
"LUFFY SHUT THE HELL UP!"
Zoro impatiently leaned against the red mitsubushi convertible in the gravel driveway. It was currently 9:10 in the morning and Miss Greed had told him to be ready to go by 9 AM sharp. How annoying.
Suddenly the side door burst open and Nami came marching out carrying two suitcases.
"About time," Zoro commented as she approached the car.
"Shut up. Just toss your stuff in the back," Nami said, throwing her two suitcases in the back seat.
"NAAAAAAAMIIIIII SWWWWAAAAAAAANNNNN! You forgot your—AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Zoro and Nami both looked back at the house to see Sanji half hanging out a second story window shouting and wriggling around.
"Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-ZORO? Wha-what are you doing with my Nami-Swan?"
"Ignore him, c'mon let's get out of here," said Nami, coldly turning her back and getting in the car.
"ZORO HOW DARE YOU!" Sanji yelled some more, attempting to leap out the window now.
"Stupid Question Mark, you're gonna kill yourself doing that!" Zoro yelled back.
"NAMI I'M COMING FOR YOU! I'LL RESCUE YOU FROM THIS PIG!"
"HEY! Who're you calling a pig? ASSHOLE!"
"YOU'RE THE ASSHOLE, ASSHOLE!"
"Wow, getting to the intelligent insults now, aren't we?" Nami grumbled from the driver's seat.
"We'll see how cocky you are once I get down there— AGHRAHH!"
"Zoro, get in or I'm leaving without you."
"Yes, ma'am." Zoro slid into the passenger side and slammed the door, smirking at the sight in the rearview mirror of Sanji dangling by one foot from the window, flailing about and screaming. Yup, maybe this trip idea wouldn't be so bad after all.
Once the two hit the high way, they settled into their complacent silence: Nami cranking the tunes on the radio and Zoro popping in his ear buds and falling asleep. Yes, this was going to be a good little get away from all the stress of life in the Franky House, and they were going to meet up with her friend and old roommate. Nami took a deep sigh of relief and contentment.
CATHUNK!
"What'd we hit?" Zoro slurred, awoken from his deep slumber.
"I don't know! I didn't see anything in the road!" Nami yelled, looking frantically in all mirrors for any sign of something still back there.
CATHUNK! CATHUNK!
Nami swerved to regain control of the car.
"What the hell is going on?" Zoro exclaimed, hanging on for dear life.
"I DON'T KNOW!"
CATHUNK!
Finally, Nami hit the brakes, screeching to a stop on the shoulder and receiving many angry honks because of it.
"Same to you buddy!" she yelled out and shook her fist at the passing car. Then she got out of the car to see what was going on with it.
"Flat tire?" Zoro asked, joining her.
"No, all my tires look fine," she said circling the car.
"I don't see anything back there." He squinted back down the highway for a bump in the road or roadkill.
CATHUNK! CATHUNK! CATHUNK!
"It's coming from the trunk!" Nami screeched and backed away from the car.
Zoro arched an eyebrow. Great. "Pop the trunk."
"WHAT?"
"Do you want to know what's in there?"
"Well, yeah, but it could be—"
"Pop the trunk."
"Fine."
Nami stood back and pointed the keyless remote at the trunk like a weapon.
"MEEEEEEEAAAAATTTTTTTTT!"
The trunk flew open as soon as it unlocked and Luffy more or less exploded from the trunk screaming and whining. "I ALMOST SUFFOCATED IN THERE! OHMYGOSH I COULD HAVE DIED!"
"LUFFY?" Nami and Zoro gawked at the same time.
"Hi guys!"
Nami instantly whipped out her cell phone and dialed the number for home. "I am NOT taking him with. Sanji is going to come out here and pick him up and take him back home."
"AWWWWW NAMI! PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME GO BACK! I WANNA TRAVEL WITH YOU TWO!" Luffy cried, gripping Nami's ankles.
"Ack! Luffy, get off me!" Nami tried to shake him loose.
After continuously calling the house and various cell phones with no one answering, Nami was about to fling her phone onto the road, but thinking of something better, she marched back towards the car.
"Get back in the car, Zoro, we're leaving. Someone will find him eventually."
"WHAT? I COULD DIE OUT HERE! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!" Luffy whined, begging on his knees for Nami to take him.
"Why can't we just turn around and take him home? We're only an hour away," Zoro suggested.
"Nope. Too much time would be wasted."
"PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE—"
"Nami, we can't just leave him out here. He will find a way to either follow us or hurt himself."
Nami paused to consider Zoro's logic. "Fine. Luffy, get in, BUT NO ANNOYING STUFF!"
With Luffy now joining their trip, things went a little like this . . .
"One hundred bottles of beer on the wall! One hundred bottles of beer! Take one down—"
"Oh my god, he's going to drive me insane."
"Don't think my zen meditation is so useless now? Hmm?"
And this . . .
"NAMI I HAVE TO PEE!"
"But we just stopped five minutes ago!"
"I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO THEN! NAMI PLEASE I'M GONNA BURST!"
And especially this . . .
"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
"Zoro, quick, give me one of your socks. I'm gonna gag him."
"Look, you decided not to turn around. It's your fault he's still with us."
"Your interest just doubled."
"Here's both my socks."
But the best part of the trip was this . . .
"Wow, did he just fall asleep?" Nami asked looking in the review mirror.
"Yeah, I guess so. Wore himself out finally. But you know him, he's a ticking time bomb, he'll wake up and cause us to crash."
"Ugh, I've got a headache."
"There's a rest stop next mile. I'm sure they've got some aspirin there."
At the rest stop, Zoro also got out of the car, to Nami's surprise. "Where are you going? Stay with him."
"He'll be fine. If anything, he's probably the best car alarm there is. I'm gonna get coffee, want some?"
"Fine. But if he goes missing or my car gets stolen, you're paying."
Zoro's eye twitched at his constant debt to Nami as they entered the traveler's plaza.
A few minutes later, Zoro wandered the parking lot with two cups of coffee, looking for Nami's car. Did he come out the wrong entrance?
Suddenly an ear piercing scream caused him to look over the top of the car next to him and see Nami having a fit and conniption at an empty parking space.
Oh, so that's where they parked.
As Zoro got closer, he could hear better what Nami was screaming. "MY CAR! MY CAR'S BEEN STOLEN! AND LUFFY'S IN IT! OH MY GOD I'M GONNA KILL THAT—"
"Where's the car?" Zoro asked nonchalantly, handing her one of the coffee cups.
Nami did not hesitate to unload on the poor swordsman. "YOU! THIS WAS ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU SAID TO LEAVE HIM, HE'LL BE FINE! LOOK HOW FINE HE IS NOW! HE'S GONE!"
Her rant, much to Zoro's delight, was cut short by the beeping of a horn. The two looked over to see Luffy pulling up to them in Nami's car.
"Hey, guys!"
"LUFFY? WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?"
A few minutes earlier . . .
Luffy awoke to find himself completely alone and the car apparently parked since it was clearly not moving. He got up and looked around, seeing that they were at a rest stop and the keys remained on the front seat. Hmmmmm. . .
Luffy hopped in the front seat, started the car, and drove off to the gas station attached to the plaza.
He stood there sucking on a beef stick and humming as the tank filled until the calunk sound of the pump shutting off reached his ears. Luffy grabbed the receipt, hopped back in the car, and headed for the parking lot.
Presently . . .
"To get a beef stick and gas," he said simply, crawling out of the driver's seat and into the back.
Nami gaped.
Zoro shrugged, and got into the passenger seat with his coffee.
"Come on, Nami, let's go!" Luffy chanted.
"Yeah, come on, Nami. Or we're going to be even more late than we already are if you stand there with your mouth hanging open like that."
Nami, Zoro, and Luffy finally managed to make it to the city and eventually found Vivi's apartment located on the fourth floor of a very tall apartment complex.
The door was flung open almost immediately when they knocked, followed by a squealing Vivi, long aquamarine hair bouncing all over the place.
"Oh you finally made it! I'm so glad you could all come!" she said, hugging them a few times each, giggling excitedly all the while. Zoro couldn't help but smile at how overjoyed she was to see them, especially since he and Luffy were rather unexpected guests.
"Well come in! Come in!" She grabbed Nami's hands who joined in hopping up and down on the threshold. "It's the coolest place ever!"
Vivi lead them inside her decent sized studio apartment. The furnishings were the essentials, nothing too flamboyant or crazy, a welcome site to the strange things back at the Franky House. The open kitchen contained simple, stainless steel appliances and black counters arranged in an L shape. A few black painted bar stools lined the counter. In the center of the room, facing the wide sliding glass doors leading out to a deck, was a simple chocolate brown couch, coffee table, and media center combo. And, of course, the bedroom and bathroom were behind doors located on the far left wall.
"Oh Vivi!" Nami gasped, looking around in awe. "This is the coolest! Simple, but you."
"Thank you so much! Well, I don't have much furniture or decorations just yet, I'm still trying to get myself on my feet. Daddy's helped me so much already. Oh! Here, let me take you bags for you! Nami, you'll be staying in my room with me. Zoro, Luffy, you two get the living room. I have a futon there—" she jerked her head toward the brown futon against the wall "— or you can sleep on the couch, too. Help yourself to whatever you need!" She paused to set down the luggage and clasped her hands, eyes gleaming, "I'm so glad you guys could come and visit me! It means so much to see my old friends again!" Then she added in a shy voice, "It's been sort of difficult to . . . well make friends out here . . ." Her face brightened, though, and she picked up the luggage again. "Well, come on! Let's get you guys settled."
She lead Nami off to her room, while Zoro tossed his lone duffle bag on the futon. Luffy, who had been surprisingly quiet the entire time, approached Zoro with an odd look on his face.
"Zoro, I don't understand it," he said, sitting down on the futon.
Zoro merely raised an eyebrow.
"Why no one would want to befriend Vivi . . . I just don't understand. She's so nice! People are so blind sometimes."
Zoro grunted in agreement.
Suddenly, Vivi popped her head out, saying, "Oh! And I rented some movies we can watch! It'll be like a slumber party!"
Luffy whooped and clapped his hands like a small child; Zoro groaned.
The two boys had pulled the futon off the frame and dragged it over in front of the television while the two girls situated themselves on the couch with a bowl of popcorn and a fleece blanket.
"What's the movie, Vivi?" Luffy asked in his excited way.
"Well you can pick between The Proposal or He's Just Not That Into You." Vivi stated, holding out the two DVDs like cards.
Luffy scratched his head, staring intently at the two options.
"Che, they're both chick flicks," Zoro drawled. He sprawled out on the futon and closed his eyes.
"Whatever," Nami scowled down at him. "You'll probably be asleep before the opening credits anyways."
"Hmmmmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmmmmm—"
"LUFFY, JUST PICK ONE!" Nami yelled.
"Alright, alright. This one!"
"Perfect!" Vivi squealed as she popped in The Proposal into the DVD player.
As you can guess, Luffy got bored almost immediately and passed out next to Zoro on the futon at the girls' feet.
Meanwhile, back at the house . . .
"Stupid Marimo ruining everything by running away with my Nami-swan where he could do very, very romantic things to her and win her heart which is what I've been trying to do since she moved in—"
Sanji viciously stirred his special sauce for dinner that night while angrily mumbling to himself. Things had been pretty calm since Robin and Franky had left, as well as Nami and Zoro. Luffy mysteriously disappeared, but that was a welcome gift since it was so much easier to manage for the weekend without Luffy stirring up trouble with Usopp and Chopper who were now quietly watching television in the other room.
But Nami and Zoro.
How could he have missed that? Their secret love affair? Happening right under his nose! Oh the things they could be doing, and with Vivi!
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH THEIR INNOCENCE! CURSE YOU ZOROOOOOO!"
CRASH! BAM! SLAM!
"Yohoho! I have arrived!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHATTHEHELL?" Sanji screamed, his sauce spilling all over the floor as he leaped over the counter towards the backdoor. "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?" he demanded of the strange tall man with an afro who just burst in through the back door.
"Yohohoho! You must be Sanji, correct? I'm Grandpa Brook, your babysitter for the weekend!" The tall, skinny man adjusted his tie and smiled wide, stretching his thin skin across his skeleton like features.
Sanji stood mouth agape. "Babysitter? But we don't need—"
"Grandpa Brook!" Chopper and Usopp shouted, suddenly running into the kitchen and hugging 'Grandpa Brook.'
"Yohohoho! Hi there, children! I have arrived! Who wants to hear a song?"
"MEMEMEMEMEEEEE!" the two shouted, jumping up and down excitedly.
"Alright!" Brook cleared his throat dramatically, took a deep breath, and started to sing.
Sanji, meanwhile, crawled to the corner and curled up in a fetal position, sobbing.
To be continued . . .