Nine days…it seemed almost unbelievable and if she hadn't been living it each and every one of those days she probably wouldn't believe it herself. But here it was, nine days after the shooting and Elliot wasn't awake…he wasn't even showing signs of waking up…and as hard as it was to face, Olivia knew things might not get better. She tried to stay strong for the kids, but at night when she was alone in Elliot's bed, all she could do was cry. She missed him more than she could begin to describe and going on each and every day without him was more painful than she could ever have imagined. She tried to be happy when Noah learned to say 'baby' and patted her belly the day before, but in the back of her mind she could only think of how Elliot had missed it. And two days ago when Kate had gone the entire day without asking where her Poppy was for the very first time since the shooting, Olivia's heart broke a little. Even Eli was doing okay, spending all of his time with Kathy and Paul. He knew his dad was sick, but since he wasn't involved in the day to day experience it didn't seem to affect him other than the occasional phone call Olivia would get when he came home from school asking when he would get to visit his dad, and she was always positive with him and promised him he'd see him as soon as he woke up and for now he was content with that. The kids were so small, and they were adjusting to life without him…even when she couldn't.
And while the little ones were adjusting, Maureen, Elizabeth, and Richard were not. Maureen was angry and spent most of her time cleaning out the kitchen cupboards and the hall closets. Richard tried keeping himself busy by bringing Kate's old crib downstairs and setting it up in his father's bedroom so Noah could sleep in there with Olivia, but once he'd finished that he had nothing to do and ended up spending all of his time on the computer researching traumatic brain injuries and taking notes on different things doctors could do to speed up the healing process, but most of what he found only added to his fear that his father might never wake up or that when he did he wouldn't be the same man he had been before the shooting, and sharing those findings with his sisters caused them to either cry or get angry and a fight would ensue. And Elizabeth cried every day when they came back from the hospital, still unable to spend more than a few minutes in her father's room and her brother and sister were not very supportive, telling her she needed to grow up and face her fears for their father's sake…but Olivia did her best to diffuse the situation whenever it would arise and tried to assure Elizabeth that she had to take care of herself as well and that her dad would understand. Being strong for the kids when she was falling apart inside was the hardest part of all of this…and some days Olivia wasn't sure she would make it through. Nine days…nine God-awful days…and tomorrow would be day ten…and there was nothing she could do about it.
That morning, before they went to the hospital she had talked to Richard and Elizabeth about going back to school. They'd already missed too much, and there was no guarantee that Elliot would wake up any time soon. She hoped that if they left, went back to their college lives and friends, that maybe they could find a sense of normalcy and the constant fear and arguing could be put aside for them. At first they'd said no, but after a little convincing they both agreed they needed to catch up on school work and they could drive the two hours back to Queens if they needed to. So, they agreed to leave on Sunday afternoon and Olivia was grateful. She loved them, and she'd be strong for them from afar, but having two less people in the house was bound to be easier on everyone.
And now, Olivia was driving Elliot's jeep into Manhattan…the first time she'd been back home since the day Nick drove her to the hospital, and she wasn't sure how to react. She'd brought Elizabeth with her, mostly because the girl needed time away from her brother and sister, and also because Olivia wanted to get her own car and drive it back to Queens and needed someone to drive Elliot's jeep back. She wouldn't have gone back to Manhattan at all, except she had a doctor's appointment she couldn't miss, but now that she was on her way she felt the familiarity of home and realized how much she'd missed it. "I'm going to stop by my apartment," she looked at Elizabeth who was staring out the window. "I should get some more clothes for me and Noah…maybe some of his toys. And I need to check my mail." Nine days…she had left her life behind for nine days…and she didn't know how many more lay ahead.
"Are you going back to work?" Elizabeth asked.
Olivia shook her head, "Not now," she sighed. "I have a lot of time saved up. I might just take my maternity leave early. I have to put our family first."
"You miss it though, right?" Elizabeth asked. "I know you do."
"Yeah…but I need to be with all of you right now," Olivia said honestly. "And I need to be there to take care of your dad when he wakes up."
"Do you think he will?" Elizabeth asked sadly. "Really? Because sometimes I feel like he's already gone."
"Lizzie," Olivia pulled up in front of her apartment. "I know he's going to wake up. I don't doubt that…I just don't know when."
They walked into the apartment, and Olivia looked around at her things and remembered the last time she'd been there. Elliot had left early, and she'd spent the morning playing with Noah and getting him ready for the day before Maureen arrived and she left for work. The apartment felt so different now…seemed so empty…and it gave her chills. She packed up some things quickly, tossing them in a bag, and then walked into the kitchen where Elizabeth was looking at an ultrasound photo Olivia had hung on the refrigerator after her last appointment. "Are you ready?" Olivia asked. "You can drive your dad's jeep back to Queens and I'll grab my car and go to the doctor. Then I'll meet you at home later."
"This is the baby, huh?" Elizabeth smiled. "Do they let you see her every time?"
Olivia nodded, "Yeah…because the pregnancy is high risk and they need to monitor her heart and her growth pattern. I guess in some ways that's lucky because I know other parents don't get to see their baby as often."
"Could I go?" Elizabeth asked. "Please…I'd like to see her."
"Sure," Olivia smiled. "If you want to."
Half an hour later they were heading into the perinatologists office. Olivia checked in at the desk and then Elizabeth sat next to her in the waiting room. "Does Dad usually come with you?" she asked.
Olivia shook her head, "No…our schedules are so busy and it's just easier for me to come by myself most of the time." She sighed, wishing that Elliot had made it to more appointments. He'd come to some, but they'd both agreed it didn't make sense for him to take time off to drive in from Queens every two weeks, and that he'd start coming to all of the appointments when she was in the third trimester and things might change quickly with the pregnancy, but now she wondered if she'd missed out on the chance to share this experience with him. "I have to come every two weeks because they need to monitor her, and he just couldn't take off work each time. A couple of times I was in the hospital though and he saw her then and heard her heart beat. He loved that."
Elizabeth nodded, "I'm really excited about this baby, Olivia." She whispered. "She's a part of Dad that we can all hold onto."
Olivia wanted to remind her once again that her father was going to be okay, but she didn't. Elizabeth obviously wasn't going to accept that and Olivia couldn't force her to. The nurse called her name and they followed her back. Olivia cringed at her weight when she glanced at the scale, not sure how she'd managed to gain six pounds in the last two weeks, embarrassed when the nurse looked at her with disapproval. Then she followed the nurse into the exam room where she took her blood pressure and told her it was a little high for the second appointment in a row. Then she handed her a gown and told her the doctor would be in shortly. Olivia turned her back to Elizabeth, changing into the gown and then climbed up on the exam table.
"Do you like your doctor?" Elizabeth asked. "That nurse seems like a grouch."
Olivia laughed a little, "This is the high-risk pregnancy doctor, and I like him. As for the nurse, she's just doing her job…reminding me that I'm too fat and I need to work on getting my blood pressure down."
"You're not too fat," Elizabeth smiled. "Stabler babies are always big."
Olivia rubbed her hand over her stomach and sighed, "She's not that big," she sighed. "I just like to eat a lot…and sometimes your dad force-feeds me cheeseburgers." She laughed.
"Yeah, I'm sure that's it…" Elizabeth laughed as the doctor walked in.
"Olivia, good to see you," he smiled and looked toward Elizabeth. "Who is this?"
"This is my step-daughter, Lizzie," Olivia smiled. "She wants to see her baby sister today."
"Well, she can do that in just a little bit," the doctor smiled and read through her chart. "So, twenty-three weeks today…how are you feeling?"
"Okay," Olivia answered.
"How has your nausea been? Last time you said it was getting better?" he asked.
Olivia nodded, "Yeah…it was anyway. I've been kind of stressed lately though and I've gotten sick a few times."
"Well, your blood pressure is a little high too," the doctor sighed, "We want to stay on top of that. Any swelling or headaches?"
Olivia sighed, "Swelling…a little…mostly at night after I've been standing all day. And headaches are an everyday thing…but we've been dealing with a lot. My fiancé was hurt…a little over a week ago…he's in a coma and I spend most of my time just trying to keep things afloat while we wait for him to wake up…" Suddenly she realized she was crying and Elizabeth was staring at her. She took a deep breath, "I'm sorry…I don't know why I just had that little outburst."
"Sounds like you have every reason to have an outburst," the doctor said gently. "You're under a lot of stress right now…we just want to make sure it isn't affecting the baby." He had her lay back while he did the exam and took some measurements. "You're measuring a little bigger than you should be today," he said seriously.
Olivia sighed, "Well I've gained six more pounds. I'm really trying not to gain so much…"
"No…I don't think that's it," the doctor said. "I'll check with the ultrasound, but I'm guessing we are dealing with an issue with the amniotic fluid."
"What?" Olivia asked nervously. "Is the baby okay?"
"Let's do the ultrasound and we'll take a look," the doctor said gently. "Don't worry yet. We'll see what's going on and then go from there."
Elizabeth held Olivia's hand while the doctor squirted the cold gel on her stomach. "I'm sure she's fine, Olivia," Elizabeth smiled.
The doctor moved the transducer carefully across her abdomen and Olivia cringed a little at the cold pressure. He looked seriously at the screen and then smiled, "There she is…her growth is on track this week."
"What's wrong?" Olivia asked. "I can tell something is wrong…"
The doctor shook his head, "No…she's fine," he insisted taking some more measurements on the screen and writing on the chart. "Her heart still looks normal…and that's good. We'd normally see a problem by twenty-three weeks if there was one. I can't promise we won't discover something later…but for now, she looks perfectly healthy."
"Thank God," Olivia sighed, looking at Elizabeth. "What do you think of your little sister?"
"She's beautiful," Elizabeth stared, mesmerized by the image on the screen. "Look how much she's moving around. Can you feel all that?"
"Some of it…not everything," Olivia said. "Sometimes she seems stronger than other times."
"Well, there is a little extra fluid surrounding her, just like I thought," the doctor noticed. "Right now, it could just be a temporary fluke, but it is a common occurrence with Down syndrome pregnancies. If it continues, I think it might be harder to feel her moving."
"Why is there extra fluid?" Olivia asked. "Is it dangerous?"
"It could be that she's not swallowing the way she should be…or that she's not expelling fluid through her kidneys," the doctor said seriously. "Or it could just be a temporary thing. I'll be truthful with you…if you didn't already know the baby had Downs, this would be a marker for it. A lot of times when a baby has a chromosomal defect, there are issues with increased amniotic fluid. And sometimes, that is a sign of certain organs not working properly…but not always. Since she looks healthy right now, I want you to focus on that. We'll check her again in two weeks…and if there is something going on, we'll find the best way to treat it."
"I can't believe this…" Olivia felt herself tearing up and she didn't even try to stop. "I need her to be okay."
"She's going to be okay," the doctor assured her. "I've treated hundreds of cases like this Olivia. You don't need to worry."
"What can I do?" Olivia asked. "Can I do something to fix this?"
The doctor shook his head, "All you can do is rest. If the increase in fluid continues throughout the pregnancy…I won't lie to you…it's going to be hard when you get to the third trimester. I'll probably insist on bed rest and you'll be uncomfortable. It causes significant weight gain…and sometimes leads to early labor…but you'll be fine and so will this little girl. I know how to treat this," he smiled. "That's why you're coming to me instead of a regular OB…remember."
Olivia knew it wouldn't help to worry, but all she could think about was the possibility that she would be facing this alone. She'd spent the past nine days without Elliot by her side…and the thought of going on to day ten without him was overwhelming…going through the rest of the pregnancy without him, was crushing. She would have given anything to have him there with her, to have him squeeze her hand and kiss her and promise her that everything would be okay.
As they left the office, Elizabeth knew Olivia was still upset. She didn't know how to make things better for her, but she wished she could. "Olivia…I know you're scared," she said. "But I know this baby is going to be fine." She smiled, "Just like you know Dad is going to wake up." She looked at the ultrasound picture the doctor had given her, "I mean look at her…she looks so perfect. She won't let a little extra fluid hold her back."
Olivia forced a weak smile, "It'll sure as hell hold me back," she said. "Bed rest…that's going to be miserable."
"Well, it'll be worth it when she gets here, right?" Elizabeth asked. "Besides…the doctor said you might have to go on bed rest…not definitely. He said right now there is nothing to worry about…so stop worrying. Look at how many things you've had to worry about so far with the baby…and she's just fine."
"You're right," Olivia smiled. "She is fine…and she's going to stay that way." She put her hand to her stomach and sighed, "And she's wearing me out today…so let's go home."
Olivia was alone in her car, since Elizabeth was driving Elliot's jeep back to Queens. It was the first time she'd had alone all day and she needed it. She thought about the baby…she thought about Elliot…she thought about Noah…she thought about how this time last year none of them were even a part of her life. It was strange how quickly things could change…how life could be so different in one short year. But it was different, and she was different, and she had faith that things were going to work out…faith that she'd never had before and that she wasn't sure she even knew she had before right then. The baby kicked her and she took one hand off the wheel, rubbing gently over the spot where she was kicking and feeling it easily under her clothes. "You need to do that for your daddy," Olivia smiled. "He wants to feel you kicking around…more than anything." And in her heart she knew he would…and soon. Nine days felt like an eternity…but she could endure a few more if in the end Elliot would be alive and well and feeling their baby kick. It was the only thing she wanted…the one thing she needed. "Your daddy is going to wake up…for you little one," she smiled. Then she drove home.