Spike saw nothing but red, heard nothing but ringing in his ears, all he could do was try to catch his breath. Then her remembered he didn't need to. He felt cold, deep and consuming cold, his lack of body heat making itself painfully cold ached as it worked its way into his core, and through to his toes and fingertips.

Her face through the ages flashed through his mind. How hard she had fought, how many times she was hollowed out by the awful turns of Slayer life. How she had lived, but always had a missing piece. How no matter how wonderful and happy their life was there was always a cap on her joy. She missed her heaven. He thought of the late night conversations where she could barely bring herself to admit in a broken whisper that there was a piece of her that was always longing, waiting for her reward.

Spike thought in particular of the night she sat up in bed and started laughing. It was disconcerting to say the least.

"Death is my gift" she whispered with a bittersweet smile.

"Yeah, Slayer. We`ve been through this particular crisis before."

"No Spike. Death is my gift. I mean yeah its not exactly the best I've ever gotten. But honestly it holds its own against most of my birthday presents in terms of cheer factor." She was starting to babble a bit more to herself than to the confused vamp sitting next to her.

"You`ll need to break this down into tiny bite-able pieces for me luv."

"All this time I thought I was the Santa of this equation, but I`m not! I'm totally little Timmy."

"One more try, an explanation without a fat magical bearded fellow would be ideal."

Buffy sobers a bit and pauses, looking at her hands.

"I always thought it was my job to hand out death and destruction like a gift, that's what I thought that meant. But I understand now. I will get to die, that`s the gift I`ll get. Death is my gift for all of my sacrifices. Ill go back to.. to wherever I was pulled from."

The last part was barely audible, but vampire hearing ensured every syllable got to him.

"Buffy, I know this is hard, but you cant just ignore your life and all the people who love you in hopes of chasing a happier death."

Spike was partially pleading. He was greedy that way, he wanted every moment he could squeeze with the slayer

"No, Spike. That`s not what I mean. But I do get how you got there. This is really tough to explain, and I`m not really hitting it out of the park."

Buffy thought for a minuet

" I'm always, "on edge" isn't perfect but its the best I can describe for the feeling I get wherever I think of the final tally. You know the collective good we`ve done in all our battles. The idea that we help, really help, was a little I guess holographic ya` know. I could see it, I knew it logically, but I never really felt it. Especially after the first. After I knew I have darkness, I knew that everything has to be in balance. I just, I always wondered if the good I did outweighed the darkness in me, and the evil I've brought. I was never sure if Id get to go back, and be at peace again. But now I know."

She says looking up at him with tears softly streaking down her cheeks and a small smile on her lips.

"Death is my gift. "

That memory slams into him and it physically hurts deep in his chest to pair it with the information that his new drinking buddy had just brought him. Buffy HAD to have peace, if anyone deserved a shred of mercy, a reward, it was that woman. That memory slams into him and it physically hurts deep in his chest to pair it with the information that his new drinking buddy had just brought him. Buffy HAD to have peace, if anyone deserved a shred of mercy, a reward, it was that woman.