"Hey…I'm sorry…I didn't mean to wake you up," Amanda apologized as Olivia opened her eyes. "I was just gonna take Noah to his room."
Olivia looked down at her son, sleeping beside her, "I didn't mean to fall asleep," she yawned.
"Fin told me he fed Noah before he left and that I should put him to bed by 7," Amanda looked at her watch. "Do you want me to leave him in here?"
"I want to put him to bed myself," Olivia said seriously.
"I can carry him to this room and you can come tuck him in if you want," Amanda offered.
"Are you serious?" Olivia asked. "Fin wouldn't let me leave this room all day."
"I figure it won't hurt for you to walk a few feet to the nursery," Amanda smiled. "They let you up to go to the bathroom, and the nursery isn't any farther than that. Fin overreacts sometimes," she laughed.
"I'm so glad someone else recognizes that," Olivia smiled. "I would love to tuck Noah in. Thanks."
Amanda picked up the baby and Olivia slowly pulled herself up from the bed, following them down the hall. Amanda put Noah in his crib and he stirred a little, but settled down when Olivia patted his back and whispered to him. When she was sure he was asleep, she turned to Amanda, "Thank you…for letting me put him to bed."
"He's your son," Amanda smiled. "I can't keep you from taking care of him." Olivia put her hand to her back, cringing at the familiar pain. "You okay?" Amanda asked nervously.
Olivia exhaled slowly, trying to relieve some of the pressure, "Yeah…" her voice quivered. "I'm just gonna use the bathroom and get back in bed."
Amanda watched her carefully as she made her way back down the hall, worried that she had made a huge mistake letting her out of bed, but when Olivia emerged from the bathroom several minutes later she seemed to be feeling better. She followed her in the room as Olivia carefully lowered herself on the bed and sat back against the headboard. "You sure you're okay?" Amanda asked again. "You look pretty miserable."
"I'm fine," Olivia answered. "I'm just so uncomfortable. My back aches all the time…I can't do anything to relieve the pain."
"I don't envy you," Amanda said honestly. "I mean…this has to be so hard…and in the end you have this little person who will depend on you for everything. I can't even imagine…I'd be scared to death."
"I can't wait to meet her," Olivia said honestly. "I keep telling myself it'll all be worth it when she gets here and I can see her beautiful face and her chubby little fingers and toes." She smiled, "But it is hard…I wish I had done this when I was younger. I can't help but think things would have gone much better back then."
"Are you hungry?" Amanda asked, not sure she wanted to get into a serious conversation with Olivia about the pros and cons of late-in-life pregnancy. They seemed to be getting along for the time being, and that conversation was bound to lead to her saying something that would ruin things.
"Not really…" Olivia answered. "For the past few days I've been feeling sick every time I eat."
"Why?" Amanda questioned. "I thought pregnant women were supposed to be starving all the time. You know…weird cravings and everything."
Olivia shook her head, "I wish. I'm so big now…it feels like my stomach is squished. The doctor told me to eat small things throughout the day, but even doing that makes me sick. Fin made macaroni and cheese for dinner…I couldn't eat more than three bites."
"Is that safe for the baby?" Amanda asked.
"She's fine…for now," Olivia insisted. "I might have to do some nutrition shakes or something soon." She looked at Amanda, "You know…maybe I could handle a little something to eat…like ice cream…"
Amanda smiled, "You want pickles with that?"
Olivia laughed, "No thanks…just the ice cream. There's some in the freezer." Amanda walked out of the room and Olivia clicked on the TV, flipping through the channels until she finally settled on an old black and white movie. She didn't usually watch a lot of TV, but there was nothing else to do and even though she'd been exhausted moments before, she felt wide awake now.
"Here you go," Amanda came in and handed her the bowl of ice cream. She had a bowl for herself as well and took a bite, "This stuff is good. Where'd you buy it?"
"Nick and Fin brought it over," Olivia answered, taking a bite of her own ice cream. "It is good."
Amanda looked at the TV, "I love this movie…" she smiled. She looked at Olivia and motioned toward the door, "I'm gonna watch it out in the living room. Yell for me if you need anything."
"You could stay," Olivia offered. "In here…watch the movie with me."
"I don't want to bother you," Amanda said quickly.
"You're not," Olivia insisted. "I'm bored…I could use the company."
"Okay," Amanda said reluctantly and she sat down on the edge of the bed. She stared at the TV, mindlessly taking bites of her ice cream.
"Whoa," Olivia said, with an anxious gasp and Amanda turned to see her place her hand on her stomach, rubbing gently.
"What's wrong?" Amanda asked nervously.
"Nothing…" Olivia said quickly. "I didn't mean to worry you. It's just the baby…she must like the ice cream or something because she's kicking a lot…she hasn't been kicking much lately," she pushed again on her stomach, "God…she's really going at it…" she smoothed her shirt down over her stomach and smiled, "Look…" the tiny flutters visible under her shirt.
"Oh my gosh," Amanda smiled. "That's amazing…"
"You want to feel?" Olivia asked and Amanda nodded. She took her hand, placing it where the baby was kicking and Amanda's eyes widened. "It feels pretty strange, huh?"
"It's unbelievable," Amanda said seriously, and Olivia was surprised to see her tear up.
"It is…" Olivia agreed. "I've never felt so blessed. I've waited years for this…I never thought it would happen…"
"Is this the first time…" Amanda asked sadly. "I mean…have you ever been pregnant before? Like, it didn't work out or something…"
Olivia looked confused but answered her honestly, "I thought I was…a few times over the years…but all of those turned out to be false alarms." She smiled sadly, "I guess that was a good thing though, because I may never have had the family I have now…Noah, and this baby, and Elliot…"
"I was pregnant once," Amanda admitted and she wasn't even sure why, and when she saw Olivia's face drop she wondered if her admission was a huge mistake. "I was only sixteen…"
"I'm sorry…" Olivia said gently. "What happened?"
"My boyfriend was furious," Amanda sighed. "Said the baby wasn't his and then he hit me…a lot. I was just a dumb kid. I didn't know what to do."
"That's awful…" Olivia tried to hold in her tears, cursing her stupid hormones.
"I was scared…because if he would treat me like that…I didn't know how he would treat a little baby," Amanda said sadly. "I just couldn't have a child whose father would probably end up beating the hell out of it every day. I made an appointment to get it taken care of…"
Olivia nodded, "That must've been hard. I'm so sorry…"
"My boyfriend…he found out I was going to have an abortion," Amanda cringed at the memory. "And he said I didn't have the right to kill his child." She rolled her eyes, "He insisted it wasn't his and then when I tried to have an abortion, I was killing his kid."
"He was wrong," Olivia insisted. "You had every right to do what you needed to do…and I know the abortion was just awful for you…"
Amanda shook her head, "I didn't have it." She cleared her throat. "When he found out about the appointment, he beat me so badly that…I lost the baby."
Olivia stared at her in disbelief, wondering why Amanda had chosen to share this part of her past with her. They weren't close…they tolerated one another at best…but here they were in Olivia's bedroom, eating ice cream, feeling the baby kick, and now Amanda was sharing what was most likely her deepest, darkest secret. "Amanda…I'm sorry…" Olivia failed to hold in her tears. Amanda was just like the victims she tried to help every day on the job, and she'd never even known it.
"I'm okay," Amanda forced a weak smile. "I mean…it was probably for the best, right? I don't know that I could've gone through with the abortion and I could never be a good mother…"
"You might be a great mother some day," Olivia said softly. "You never know what's going to happen."
"I guess you never know," Amanda sighed. She watched as Olivia cringed painfully, pushing gently on the top of her stomach. "Are you okay?" she asked.
"She's just up in my ribs again," Olivia said, nearly out of breath again. "Most of the time I can't feel her because of the extra fluid, but she always jams herself up there at night and I'm glad because I know she's okay, but it hurts like hell."
Amanda smiled, "Can you make her move?"
Olivia shook her head, "Not usually…she's kind of stubborn."
"I wonder where she gets that from?" Amanda teased.
"Hard telling," Olivia laughed and shifted on the bed, trying to get the baby to move. Amanda turned back to the movie and Olivia watched it for a while and then looked at her, "Thanks…for staying here tonight. I know you probably had better things to do."
Amanda shook her head, "No…nothing beats ice cream and old movies." Then they both turned back to the TV and their silence said everything.