Madness.
Pure madness.
It was there, in Koschei's eyes. Lingering and waiting for the right moment to strike out at anything near it.
Therefore I tried not to be too close to him.
You never knew with Koschei.
And I guess I should have been scared of him.
Strangely enough I wasn't.
Koschei brought back memories of the past; of our past.
Ironically it was his eyes which reminded me of my childhood. The days and nights we'd spent together; with other or just us two. There was something warm in those eyes, a placid expression in every mad glare.
Koschei meant comfort. To me he was safety and a feeling of belonging.
We shared the same past.
And Koschei would insist that we'd share the future as well.
And how could I've disagreed with a Chester cat? It was best not to say anything against it anyway...
Acceptance.
Acceptance was important to me. I had spent painful nights, and the following days as well, learning that you had to accept things you couldn't change or understand.
It had nothing to do with approval or consent. You weren't supposed to have an independent opinion on those terms. Acceptance was like Dr. Neakahla's "Normal". Acceptance WAS Normal.
To me acceptance was indifference.
Nothing could be said against it; nothing could be done against it.
Just give in.
Just let it happen.
Koschei invaded my privacy as often as he could.
He was something like a personal space invader. I, for myself, preferred the term "Intruder".
And to my surprise Koschei didn't mind me calling him that.
He'd stated once that he personally thought of himself more to be a penetrator.
But I would give him nothing more than a suspicious glance.
It didn't sound provocative or salacious.
To me it sounded stupid. So, in the end, we both agreed on Intruder.
After all Koschei was disturbing and distracting me at the same time.
With him around I couldn't read my favourite script...
Koschei hadn't planned on being invasive. He figured that I couldn't have any privacy if I wanted to be as close to him as he had imagined I would like to be. And after all these years he figured as well that he knew what I wanted or not. And though he enjoyed pushing things on which I didn't like constantly, he was sure that he knew what I liked and would therefore like it nonetheless.
As already mentioned – he had a twisted mind.
Koschei had started moving things into my room, which was odd because he had a room on his own. Therefore he stored things in my room which were of minor interest to him only. Like pencils, or scraps of paper, or books he hadn't enjoyed reading. Or apples.
I tried to ignore the fact that Koschei was around me day and night. Figuratively, of course. I didn't like the idea if him sleeping in my room very much.
I didn't know why. It just felt wrong... as if it was a bad thing to do.
But I didn't have to figure out what I didn't like about it. If I was asleep there would have been no reason whatsoever to be beside me. I wouldn't notice if he tried to bug me; hence, I assumed, he wouldn't be able to poke fun at me and therefore I would be of no further interest to him.
Koschei never wanted to annoy me. He simply tried to convince me that he was right. He wanted me to see the world with his eyes.
But I didn't like the view.
I knew that he'd wanted to watch everything burn. And if it had been burnt out you had to refire it, hoping that it would spark off a fire and burn again; and you repeated the procedure until nothing was left but light grey ashes...
Koschei sat beside me on the floor. On my right knee rested half of a book, on Koschei's left knee the other half. I leaned my back against a tall cabinet. Koschei could enjoy reading, as long as I was around.
He could enjoy nearly everything as long as I was around.
He was fond of me. And I didn't know if he was fond of children or if I was or if we both weren't.
And I reckoned his twisted mind sure had a bad influence on me.
But, actually, it was what we were: children. Always together. Never changed.
Koschei wasn't childish. I mean, in a way we were both childish. But it had nothing to do with being immature. We simply tried to keep things as they were. We got along with each other easily – we knew each other too well.
I wish I hadn't known him that well.
The book we read was about obscure solar systems, I reckon. And dying stars. Since we were children both of us had been impressed by dying stars. We'd watched several supernovas or dead stars getting torn apart in a richly coloured blast together.
We grew closer all the time and had already interpenetrated each other's soul.
It was this or something like that I thought. I can hardly remember.
Koschei had moved in because it was practically not possible to separate us.
We could only move closer and closer.
That was the main reason why Koschei pressed his shoulder against mine. He wanted us to be close. And he didn't understand the difference between figuratively and literally. It was the same to him, I guess.
And I had realised why he kept storing pencils in my room: he preferred to poke me with the rubber on the back of a pencil every time he wanted to get my attention. Just to make sure that I was listening to him.
I felt the soft rubber on my upper arm and snorted.
"What is it?"
"Finished reading this page?" he asked before turning the page.
"I've already finished the book" I replied.
"So did I" nodded Koschei and closed the book.
"Then why did you suggest reading it together?" I asked.
Koschei tossed the book aside. It slipped towards the pencils he had thrown to the ground.
"Why didn't you tell me that you've already read it?" countered Koschei.
I shrugged and breathed in deeply.
"Because it would be definitely worth reading it for a second time. I liked it."
"Well, I didn't" snapped Koschei "It's a useless book, that's all it is."
"So, what's useless about solar systems?" I asked and looked disapprovingly at the part of the floor which belonged to Koschei by now. It stretched out further every day.
Koschei had nothing to reply but a dismissive remark.
"Alright, that was a rhetorical question" I tried to calm him "there's no use of a solar system. It's simply there, that's all. We're not supposed to do anything with it."
Koschei looked at me disbelievingly. Then he focused on an apple beside him and picked it up.
"Nice and red, isn't it?"
I didn't reply. He made pointless remarks for one reason only: he gained time he needed for thinking about something.
"You know, Theta" he only called me that when he tried to give me an understanding of his worldview "there's the one side of seeing things, your side. You're struggling to understand things and suss out their true meaning, their purpose or whatsoever. That's one way of doing it."
He stared at me while tossing the apple up in the air and catching it over and over again without even looking. Then he held out the apple to me. He examined it carefully, I was tempted to look at it likewise.
"And then there's another side. I might as well point out that both sides can co-exist without conflicting. Well, the other side is... to figure out, what things mean to you. Whether or not you've fathomed out their true purpose. Well, let me tell you this once and for all, Theta: that's not important. All that matters is what you see in things. What things mean to you. How you can use them. And what you want to do with them."
Koschei caught a glimpse of the apple in his hand.
Then he reached out and rubbed it against my thighs.
His eyes glistened and he smiled while I stared him into the face motionless.
He turned the apple a few times in his hand, constantly moving it up and down my thighs.
He sensed my desperation. And he enjoyed it.
I pressed my thighs against each other and closed my legs as a knee-jerk reaction.
I breathed quietly and nervous.
It felt strange.
It felt unpleasant.
It felt wrong.
Koschei gave me a big smile and moved the apple in his hand upwards again, towards my hip bone.
I gasped and looked him in the eyes, in those deep, inscrutable and sparkling eyes.
But there was nothing to find there.
Nothing but satisfaction and stimulation.
He grinned with pleasure and held the apple up again.
"I like them more when they're shiny."
And he bit off a chunk.
I nodded calmly and avoided his look.
Koschei was about to hand me the apple when I shook my head. He shrugged.
"Suits me, really" he answered with his mouth full.
I nodded lost in thought. My hearts were racing. And if I dared to close my eyes I would still feel his hand, constantly rubbing against my thighs with the apple.
What did he do that for? I asked myself. It wasn't half as much embarrassing as confusing.
"You know" Koschei was still chewing and looked closely at the apple again "You should really try to focus on things that you want. Not on the things that simply are."
I nodded again.
Koschei finished his apple. I pressed my hands on my lap and shifted uncomfortably. My knees were pressed together so tightly that they hurt.
Koschei touched my shoulders with care and wrapped an arm around me; gently he stroked my neck and let my head rest on his shoulder.
"I always liked that, didn't I?" he asked soothingly.
"What?" I asked uneasily "Eating apples?"
Koschei chuckled. "No. I liked it when you were sitting beside me with your head resting on my shoulder."
I didn't reply and stared into space.
"Well" he continued "it would have been a lot more uncomfortable for you if I hadn't always been bigger than you."
"Are you trying to discuss comfort with me?" I asked unsettled; I hadn't even been listening; neither was I listening to myself talking.
"What are you talking about?" countered Koschei.
I took a deep breath and folded my arms, digging my nails into my elbows.
"Nothing." I hadn't heard my own reply. I thought I had said "Nothing" but I'm not sure.
Maybe I just said nothing instead of "Nothing".
Bloody lapses of memories.
But I could remember that I wasn't thinking straight anymore; even after Koschei had left the room.
I just didn't know what to think.
I just didn't know what to feel.
While I was still unable to have a clear thought my mind was racing; all those useless knowledge I'd encountered over the past years swashed back at me and I got cold feet. Figuratively in my mind and literally because I my legs were still pressed together and turned white slowly.
I turned my head aside; I couldn't just stare at the door. I wasn't a dog.
And what did I even think that for?
Koschei wasn't something like my master... he wasn't someone I had to obey...
...someone who could simply decide over me...
A strange feeling started to spread out from my abdomen.
My body felt warm. I felt light. It made my skin tingle.
The blood was rushing down into my lower abdomen.
I held my breath and gasped.
It wasn't as if I had developed feelings for Koschei. But somehow he had managed to change my bodily sensations. He provoked perceptible bodily changes.
I felt sweaty.
I closed my eyes, reciting the same old words over and over again.
Don't spread your legs. Never ever.
Don't let anybody come near you.
Tears rushed into my eyes. Koschei was dear to me; he was near to me.
Probably nearer than he should have been.
And I knew that it was wrong. I knew that it was so wrong. That everything he showed me was wrong; that everything he made me feel was wrong; there was simply everything wrong with Koschei!
I sobbed and pulled myself together in order not to cry.
I was confused and somehow scared; I felt uneasy and used up.
I leaned my head against the cabinet.
I had a headache.