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Noah was crying…she could hear him and she knew she needed to wake up, but her head felt foggy. She forced her eyes open, looking around the room and barely remembering going to bed after the incident in the kitchen the night before. She sat up, noticing that Elliot was still asleep next to her. He didn't budge at the sound of the baby crying in the next room and she didn't want to wake him up. So she pulled herself out of bed and walked slowly toward her son's room. He was standing in his crib, crying and pounding with frustration on the side rails. "Hey now…" she walked over to him, stroking his cheek. "Mommy's here…calm down." She knew he wanted her to pick him up, and she knew she'd have to, but she really wasn't supposed to lift more than fifteen pounds and at nineteen months he weighed a little more than twenty. After she'd pulled Elliot off the floor, pushed his wheelchair to the bedroom, helped him to bed, and cuddled and calmed Noah the night before, she'd dealt with contractions half the night. They weren't strong and she was pretty sure they weren't progressing labor, but it still scared her. She sighed, picking up her son and holding him close, "Calm down baby," she whispered. "You're gonna wake Daddy up."
She took him to the changing table, quickly changing his diaper and deciding to leave him in his pajamas for now. She briefly thought back to an article on potty training she'd read a few days before when she was killing time in bed and she wondered if it was worth trying to train him a little early. He was a smart little boy and he'd met most of his milestones early or right on time, and it would definitely be easier if she didn't have two babies in diapers…but he was a boy and the article said boys had a harder time understanding when they needed to use the bathroom. He probably wasn't ready yet, and honestly she didn't have the energy to pursue it now anyway. Maybe after the baby was born it would be easier.
She put him down on the floor, and he whined that he wanted to be picked up. He was still tired and obviously in a grumpy mood. "Mama…" he cried and reached for her and she looked at his sad little face and it broke her heart.
"Noah…Mommy can't carry you right now," she grabbed his hand. "Let's go get you some breakfast," she suggested. "Are you hungry?" He sniffled and nodded, walking with her to the kitchen. When she walked in she was immediately faced with the mess from the night before and shook her head, overcome with exhaustion. Then she looked at her son, "Come on…" she lifted him reluctantly and put him in his highchair and then she served him the same cereal he'd had for dinner the night before. "God, I'm a terrible mother…" she sighed, watching as Noah happily ate his breakfast.
There was a knock at the door and she stood up and smiled at her son, "I bet that's Maureen and Kate," she winked at him, knowing he'd be happy to see them. Right then she was just grateful for the chance to have someone else in the apartment with them. She walked into the living room, short of breath as she answered the door, but relieved to see Maureen standing there.
"Olivia?" Maureen asked. "Are you alright? Why are you up answering the door?"
"It's a long story," Olivia answered as Kate ran into the room.
"Where's Poppy?" she asked, eager to see her grandfather.
"He's still asleep sweetie," Olivia explained. "But Noah's in the kitchen. You can go see him."
Kate ran off to the kitchen and Olivia and Maureen followed more slowly. Maureen was startled when Olivia stopped suddenly, wincing at the pressure she was feeling and taking a sharp breath as she put her hand to her stomach. "Are you okay?" Maureen asked nervously as she put her arm around her to steady her. "Are you having contractions?"
Olivia shook her head, "No…I don't think so," she let out the breath she was holding. "Not real ones anyway…just a lot of pressure and some little twinges."
"How long?" Maureen asked and she could tell Olivia didn't want to answer her. "How long have you been having the twinges?" she asked again.
"They started last night," Olivia admitted. "But then they stopped. That was the first one today. I think it's just because I picked Noah up and I'm not supposed to…"
"Then why are you?" Maureen asked.
"Because…someone has to take care of him," Olivia walked into the kitchen and Maureen followed her, still worried.
Then Maureen saw the stove and gasped, "Olivia…what happened in here?" Olivia sat down at the table, staring at Noah as he finished the last few bites of his cereal and Kate who was chatting with him even though he seemed to be ignoring her. "Olivia…answer me…what happened?" Maureen asked again.
Olivia looked at her, tears stinging her eyes and told the truth even though she didn't want to, "Your dad…he was trying to heat up some dinner…and I don't know exactly what happened but I woke up to the smoke alarm and a fire that I had to rush in here to put out. He was on the floor and he couldn't get up. He was dizzy from the alarm," she closed her eyes and let her head rest on her hand. "It was a bad night…"
"I thought you had friends staying with you?" Maureen asked sadly.
"Your dad wanted them to leave," Olivia sighed. "He wanted us to do this on our own. He wants to take care of us."
"He could've killed all of you," Maureen said angrily. "He was lucky you woke up, but Olivia, you are on bed rest for a reason. You can't spend all your time cleaning up his messes to try to make him feel successful. Think about the baby…"
"You think I'm not thinking about her?" Olivia argued. "Last night, I was so afraid I was going into labor…and I timed those stupid contractions all by myself because I couldn't wake him up…I knew he'd want to help and he couldn't and it would have just stressed me out even more. I didn't even know how I'd get to the damn hospital. Your dad can't drive anymore. I can't even fit behind the wheel. And who would take care of Noah?"
"Olivia…calm down," Maureen said gently, worried about her getting so worked up.
"This baby…she means everything to me," Olivia cried. "But I'm scared. She's going to come whenever she's ready, whether we are or not, and I can't worry about your dad when I have to worry about her. I'm afraid he won't be able to coach me through labor because it'll be too overwhelming for him, or he won't know what to do…but he'll be hurt if I tell him I need someone else with me. And after she's born, if she needs surgery or anything…I'm going to need someone stronger to help me through that. I love him…I do…but right now, I need someone to be here for me, and I feel like I'm all alone right now...like I'm taking care of another child…" She heard a clunking sound and turned to see Elliot in the doorway, sitting in his wheelchair. He had dropped a plastic cup on the floor, but he didn't try to reach down and get it. He just stared at them and Olivia wondered how long he had been listening. "El…" she cleared her throat, wiping away her tears and trying to plaster a fake smile on her face. "You're awake…"
"Drop it, Liv," he said sadly. "I heard you."
"I didn't mean…" she tried to explain but he cut her off.
"Yes you did," he sighed. "And you're right. I'm nothing but trouble around here…" Kate jumped down from the table and crawled into her grandfather's lap. She could sense he was upset and wanted to make him happy, wrapping her arms around his neck.
Maureen took Noah out of the highchair and looked at the two children, "Kate…take Noah to the living room to play," she said and Kate climbed off her grandfather's lap and grabbed Noah's hand walking him into the next room.
"El…I just had a rough night," Olivia tried to explain again. "I was venting…it wasn't because of you…"
"Like hell it wasn't," Elliot yelled. "I could tell you were pissed last night. I don't blame you, but I thought you were glad I was home…that you understood an accident can happen to anyone. I didn't know you felt like having me here was some kind of burden."
"I don't," Olivia insisted, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I love you."
"Call Fin and tell him you want him and the rest of your squad to go ahead and stay here," he sighed. "And you can have one of them there when you have the baby if you want. I can stay in the waiting room…"
"God Elliot," Olivia cried. "Would you stop this? We need help…and whether you like it or not, you can't do the things you used to do…not yet anyway. That doesn't mean I don't want you there when I have the baby. I just want some…backup."
"Yeah," he wheeled his chair back. "I think I'll just go play with the kids…you know, since that's where I belong. Don't worry…you can come check on us whenever you want…make sure we're staying out of trouble."
She watched him leave the room and she didn't know what to say. There was nothing to say. Maureen looked sadly at her and sighed, "Olivia…you need to go to bed," she insisted. "I'll clean up this mess and I'll keep an eye on everything…I'll try to talk to him…"
Olivia shook her head, "He's right, you know. Having him home, it is a burden. I didn't realize how hard it would be…" she cried.
"Olivia…just go to bed," Maureen squeezed her shoulder and then helped her up from the chair. And a few minutes later, as she was lying on her side, trying to ease the pressure she was feeling from her latest Braxton Hicks contraction, Olivia could hear Elliot playing with Noah and Kate and she knew how much he loved all of them, how much he wanted things to be normal again. All she wanted was the man she loved to come back to her…and even though she knew he was still Elliot, he seemed so different now and she was afraid of having to learn to love this new person…of having to take care of him, while she took care of her active little boy and her special-needs daughter. This wasn't the family she'd planned on, but her life had changed so quickly and it was the family she had. Olivia had lived without a family for more years than she cared to remember, so no matter what she loved the one she'd been blessed with. It was just hard…harder than she thought it would be…and even though she was strong, she wasn't sure she had enough strength for this.