Innocence.
When you're twelve "innocence" is a noun only. When you're seventeen it's either a threat or your parents had tried to say something nice but had obviously failed.
As a child innocence is a synonym for ingenuousness, harmlessness and cluelessness.
Childishness itself is innocence.
And then comes a time when innocence is a byword for purity or virginity.
I didn't care that much about words.
And apparently being a virgin was important to girls only.
Alright, and to those guys who knew from their own personal experience which girls weren't virgins anymore.
I never had been called a virgin and I probably wouldn't have known what it felt like being a virgin either.
If that even makes sense...
To me innocence was ignorance.
But I didn't care much for terms or descriptions; the only reason I bothered with pondering about them was to get rid of Koschei.
Koschei was intelligent. In fact I guess he is intelligent.
In his way...
Koschei read a lot of books – mostly the ones that were scattered around my room. But from time to time he'd add some reading material to the chaos in my room as well.
He was literate and intellectual; there were times when I even thought that he was well-mannered.
But back then his parents had applied a lot more pressure to him. Back then they had actually thought that they could have won over his bad side...
The trouble with Koschei was that he was the bad side.
It had never been different...
So, if Koschei bothered me I would ask him to define terms and justify his choice. He was eloquent, no doubt about that. But he couldn't describe the things he saw.
He was too mad. He couldn't show me the world in his eyes.
He couldn't make himself clear. At least most of the time.
"What does viridity meant to you?" I asked Koschei as he sat down on the bed across from me.
He didn't give it much thought and replied bluntly "You."
I bent my knees and made room for him on the bed.
"What do you mean by that?" I asked bewildered. Usually a definition would take him a few minutes; in that case I would have found the time for planning my next steps.
Koschei knelt down opposite from me. He smiled. His warm hands rested on my knees.
"That's just what you are" he explained, "You're inexperienced. You're verdant. There are other synonyms as well but I guess you're better with them than I am. There's something about you... some briskness or freshness..." I stared him in the eye. I tried to act as unmoved as he was right now.
"Please don't get me wrong, Theta. That's no offence. That's what I like about you. You're not as degenerated as the others who let their spirits get caged up and let their minds become redesigned for the greater good. The greater good, Theta."
"Who do you think is responsible for all this?" I asked irritated.
I had felt it. Koschei had thought of something.
He had probably even planned something, which was something to worry about.
"It's not the "who is responsible" that matters. It's the "who could dare to make decisions over someone's head" that's important" explained Koschei.
I gave it a quick thought and shook my head.
"Koschei, stop that. You're doing it again. That doesn't even make sense. All I did was asking you to define viridity for you."
"Well, you should have defined "define" first, if you know what I mean" replied Koschei and smiled. I sighed and stretched my legs, pressing my feet against Koschei's knees.
That was, like I used to call it, maintaining the minimum safety distance.
"So, here we have it: that's you and me. Viridity versus virility." Koschei grinned and caressed my legs with care.
I cocked an eyebrow and folded my arms. "And you think you're the virility part. Well, what's so virile about you?"
"I'm lacking the purity you embody" Koschei pointed out "and don't try to deny that. You know that I could never be like you." I shrugged.
"But that's fine" Koschei went on "You know: opposites attract." "Yeah, I know" I replied "You're so fascinated that I'm different that you can't think of anything else apart from changing me into someone like you."
"I guess that would be pointless" mumbled Koschei "what do I do with someone who's exactly like me?" "If I could think like you I'd probably understand you a lot better" I thought out loud "I'd even know what you're thinking."
"You know more than you actually want" replied Koschei coldly.
I searched his face and tried to find an explanation. But there was nothing.
"Oh, by the way: If you think I'm not virile then how about you defining virility first?"
Koschei smirked.
I shook my head.
"I agree with you, totally" that's what I always used to say when I felt uneasy about something Koschei had suggested.
And by now Koschei knew it as well.
"You know that you don't have to agree with me all the time, do you?" he asked and smiled viciously.
He enjoyed knowing that I wouldn't dare to reply anything apart from "Yes" if he looked at me like that.
Koschei's smile frightened me.
And he savoured upsetting me.
Privilege.
Life at the academy was a privilege.
Somehow.
Maybe.
I don't know. I can hardly remember it anyway.
But life was about privileges, I reckon. It had always been about privileges.
I had the privilege to grow up spared from heavy blows of fate.
I had had the privilege to be a normal child; unlike others I knew and loved...
My father's definition of privilege was quite different.
Once he had mumbled, mostly to himself I guess: "It's a sin to kill a child. But it's their parent's privilege to do so."
And I was ten years at the most when I heard it. And of course I was scared.
I didn't know what he'd been talking about. And I didn't know who he'd been talking about...
I had a hard time sleeping at night at the academy since I had meet Koschei again. I didn't know what caused it. But he kept me from sleeping. Even without being in my room. I just knew that he was around. I could still feel his presence. He was all around me. Every time. Always by my side.
It was a silly thing to think, I know; but back then he had reminded me of my father.
I had hated my father for watching over me at night.
I had hated him for scaring me to death.
I had hated him for keeping me worried at night.
I had hated him for never talking about what he'd seen in the prophecy.
He never spoke of what would happen to me; he had known but he hadn't told me.
He never told me about the pain, the shame and the guilt we were both forced to bear, me and my father.
And I hated him for hating Koschei.
I never would have guessed that my father had reasons for hating him...
I obeyed Koschei; I had always obeyed Koschei.
Out of habit, mostly. And because I held him in high esteem.
And no matter what he did: Koschei knew that I would give up resistance sooner or later.
But he used to tell me that he liked that about me.
Koschei knew I would comply in the end; but I wouldn't make it easy for him.
He loved to be challenged.
Ms. Reprics never spoke of me highly ever again.
She was furious because I had dared to point out that she'd made a mistake, that she had simply confused two words she had tried to explain.
She felt as if she'd been publicly shamed; and this was something she would have expected from Koschei but not from me.
Not that I actually cared about what she thought of me.
And I didn't feel guilty. I thought we all had to get accustomed to taking criticism.
But I guess I was wrong about that.
Ms. Reprics refused to answer my questions or hear me out.
She felt affronted.
And Koschei was proud of me. It didn't matter to him that I hadn't wanted to offend her. The fact that I had managed to hurt her feelings had been enough for him.
Who needs motives, he used to tell me, who needs reasons? If you can achieve anything you want... who cares why are you doing this?
His life circled around two words.
I had always thought them to be something like "chaos" and "destruction".
But no.
No reason.
That was it. That distinguished us. I looked for reasons. Koschei didn't even care about them.
No reason.
And no reason needed.
Well, I swore to myself never to contradict Ms. Reprics ever again. I didn't even plan on exchanging words with her ever again.
Koschei deceived me; he'd always do.
He was born to cheat.
And I rarely cared about it.
Koschei had noticed that I had let him explain his opinions and define his words if I didn't know how else to get rid of him.
And he figured it was time to turn tables...