To Begin Again

Chapter 4

Emily's small apartment feels as empty as my heart. I hoped Provenza would stay a few days, but he insisted on returning to L.A. Of course, he made a comment about someone having to do my job as he hugged me good bye.

I sit on the end of the sofa with my legs tucked under me. I am watching snowflakes drift by the window. The silence is broken only by the ticking of the grandfather clock in the corner. I am thankful to find peace in the smallest of things. The sound of the key in the lock startles me. Emily is home.

She puts her things down and takes off her coat, laying it across the corner chair. I pat my hand on the cushion next to me. She obliges me and takes a seat. Neither of us speak, it's not an entirely uncomfortable silence. I lay my hand on top of hers. "I'm sorry." I'm sorry seems like a good place to start.

"Mom," she looks at me with hurt eyes. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"About Andy?"

"About everything."

"With Andy, it's still pieces of a puzzle," I explain.

"What about working at the precinct?" She turns to face me.

"I didn't want you to worry." I rub her hand, "It was a high profile mob case, I was only trying to protect…" Before I could finish the sentence, I realize what I had done. Why does the need to protect the ones you love come with such a high price? I ask myself.

Emily is lost on my new found insight. "So the drinking and late nights were because of the case?"

"It might have spurred it on, but that part? It's all on me. I think it was my way of running from the anger….and hurt." I hug a pillow tightly to my chest. "I'm tired of running. Do you still want to go back to L.A. for Christmas?"

She gives me a smile. "The boys said they were still cold from being here at Thanksgiving, so I guess this means we'll have to go home."

I was up early on the day of our flight. "I have some goodbyes to say. I'll be back in plenty of time."

Emily gives me a worried look.
I pause at the door, "You should come with me. I think you need meet the guys who will be looking out for you while I'm back in L.A."

She rolls her eyes, "oh, mom."

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The holidays have passed and life is routine. Provenza is back to happily working crossword puzzles. I am buried under paperwork, though I ride along with the guys on occasion. I keep my ripped t shirt in my desk drawer should the need for it arise. I look out to the murder room. I catch Andy looking back. This time he doesn't turn away. I see an almost smile.

We work well together. It is cordial, almost friendly as of late. I catch a lingering look, a brush of the hand, much like it was in the beginning. I need to talk to him. I take a deep breath and before I can stop myself, I hear my voice saying, "Lt Flynn, do you have a moment?"

Andy nods and comes to my office.
"Close the door, we need to talk."

I feel my throat go dry. I have rehearsed this speech a hundred times in my head. Now, as he stands in front of me, I search for words. He looks nervous, I can tell he is searching also.

"You look tired. Are you doing ok?" I ask, trying to put him at ease.

He shrugs. "I guess so."

"How is your wife?" I lean back and without thinking, fold my arms across my chest.

He quickly corrects me, "ex wife."

I nod.

"She's in remission.' He sits in the chair in front of me. "I moved out. My son refuses to talk to me, and I miss you."

I trace the edges of a notebook, hoping to calm my pounding in my heart. I swear he can hear it.

"I was afraid you weren't coming back." He reaches for my hand, but I move it subtly out of his grasp.

"It's what you said you wanted, for me to move on. Why didn't you tell me the truth?" I pause, trying to read his expression, "I would have understood."

"I know. I never doubted it." He runs his fingers through his hair. "You would have stuck with me, waited on me and wound up hating me."

"And walking out without an explanation is better? Do you realize I nearly let it destroy me?" I take a deep breath. This isn't the conversation I rehearsed.

"Look, Sharon, "he paces slowly in front of me. "I never meant…."

"Why couldn't you love me enough to tell me the truth?" My pain oozes through the words.

Andy stops and closes his eyes. "I want to fix this. Tell me we can start over."

I want to run to him, tell him it will be alright, hold him and not let go. But I can't. "It's gone too far, I'm afraid. How do we come back from this?"

"We just do." He pauses, then quietly closes the door behind him.