So the next time I'd enter my room he'd sit on my bed, which had also become a routine by now.

Without saying a word he would tap the sheet beside him gently and move aside. And I would sit down next to him and accept his wish unquestionably;
and he'd get to rub an apple against my thighs.

There was no sense in discussing this matter again. I had given in a couple of days earlier.

Things simply happened without cause. And if Koschei had had ulterior motives I wouldn't have wanted to know, either.
Koschei was very satisfied with me. And I didn't care what he got out of this whole rubbing-his-food-against-my-body thing. I plainly let him do as he pleased.

I ignored Koschei until he had shined his apple on my thighs and would start eating. I rested my head in his lap and closed my eyes.

Somehow it felt good having him around.

No, I had to correct myself; it felt good seeing him while he was around.

Nothing was creepier than just feeling Koschei's presence all the time without ever getting to see him...

"You shouldn't talk or write about anything if you're not willing to do it."

I nodded half heartedly and tried to get comfortable beside Koschei.

"And if your strength lies in your ability to work wonders on others, to change something or improve it, why should you write about your abilities instead?"
I sighed and hoped that Koschei would soon stop talking nonsense. His voice sounded loud but muffled in his lap.

"A surgeon's greatest skill is his competence; he can demonstrate it with his knife, not with a quill. Or what do you think?"

I raised my head and looked at him irritated.

"What are you talking about?"

Koschei smiled. He patted me on the knees.
"I bet you loved "Of nature's nature, appearance and workmanship". Or did you prefer "The soul – dissected; or at least nearly"?"

I frowned. "What?"

"You don't think that I was dumb enough to simply believe that you noticed Ms. Reprics mistake just because. You nearly devoured Dr. Neakahla's script, didn't you?"

I stared at him abashed.
"But how did you... I didn't...!"
"Do you think you can hide anything from me in your room?" Koschei asked smiling.
"It's none of your business" I snapped and straightened up "And I told you I don't like it when you're touching my things."
"It doesn't belong to you" replied Koschei icily "I heard someone talking about it being stolen from the secret library."
I folded my arms and looked him deeply in the eye. Koschei's eyes glowed with excitement.
"You didn't, did you?" he asked expectantly "You actually stole it?"
"I didn't mean to" I nearly cut him off "I wanted to read it. That was all. I don't think it's fair that you've got to become a doctor before seeking permission to read it. You know everything you need after you've read it, anyway."
"I never would have imagined that you'd disregard provisions" replied Koschei "I must admit I'm impressed."
"I didn't do that to impress you, Koschei" I sighed "I wanted to read the book. And I don't want to violate rules. I simply have to in order to achieve what I want. But with you it's different. You enjoy violating rules; I just don't care."

"And what was your favourite chapter, may I ask?"
"There isn't such a thing as a favourite chapter" I tried to explain "It's Dr. Neakahla's book, it's his collected wisdom. The book is of priceless value. At least to me."

"But you skinned it nevertheless" added Koschei, still smiling.
"I didn't skin it" I protested "I dismantled it. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to hide it in my room. And yes, Koschei, it may not appear like it but it is my room after all and I wouldn't mind if you would stop touching my things and invading my privacy."

Koschei chuckled. I sighed and lowered my head.
Great. I didn't mean to yell.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."
"You don't have to feel sorry for anything, you know" Koschei interrupted me "I like it when you're standing up to me."

"You're not going to tell anyone about the book, are you?" I asked uncertainly.

"How can you even think about it?" Koschei shook his head, "I enjoyed it too much myself to let you return it to the library."

"You liked it?" I asked a bit delighted.

"Of course I liked it" Koschei replied and put my head down onto his lap again. He stroked my hair.

"But I can imagine that you preferred different parts of the book..."

I shrugged. "I like it on the whole."

"Even the parts about the dissection and dismemberment?" Koschei went on.

"The chapters aren't important" I replied, "You've got to consider it on the whole."
"I can imagine that you like it on the whole if you consider it on the whole" repeated Koschei while rolling his eyes, "but I didn't read it "on the whole". I didn't even finish it. I just read the exciting parts."

"Everything about the books is interesting" I countered and wanted to raise my head again; but Koschei hadn't finished stroking me and pressed my forehead against his thighs whilst running his fingers through my hair.

"I bet you liked the parts about the psychological capacity and the mental strength; or his theory that you can give birth by using the possibility of mental steering without investing and wasting bodily energy. What did you think of his theory that you can heal any physical injury just by snapping your fingers?"

"Those are only theories, they are not that important" I mumbled in his lap. Koschei fondled my neck.

"I wonder if you can really survive in a desert without water but with an opossum; and I wonder if the opossum itself could really last two weeks on its own."

I managed to raise my head.
"I had imagined you'd prefer the subjects of torture and unnecessary mutilation a lot more than the self-experiments with the opossum" I replied.

"You had a favourite chapter, didn't you?" Koschei smirked. I shrugged.

"It was "The Unknown Body", wasn't it?" he went on. I didn't reply.

"I could have guessed" Koschei patted me on the back "fascinated you, didn't it? Dr. Neakahla asked himself the same questions regarding a Time Lord's body which you ask yourself. I could imagine that you would be interested in reading it. Or getting aroused..."

I blushed inevitably. But I got a grip on myself.

"And I guess your favourite chapter was "Dyspareunia- a great deal of difficulty and pain" then?" Koschei shrugged.
"I enjoyed quite a lot of chapters."
"You're far too one-sided, Koschei" I replied and let out a long drawn-out sigh.

Koschei grabbed my knees and moved my body from beside him to a position in front of him.
"Too bad that Dr. Neakahla hadn't saved any hand-drawn sketches" explained Koschei and struggled to get my head down onto his lap again, "I'm eager to find out what a pregnant woman cut in half actually looks like."
"I'm glad the script doesn't include sketches" I mumbled quietly.

"It's only normal to think about it" explained Koschei.

"You mean fantasize about it" I added "And there's nothing normal about that."
"For me it is normal" replied Koschei, "But let me guess: you accede Dr. Neakahla concerning the definition of "Normal"."
"Well, Dr. Neakahla was right about that" I countered "Normal isn't something you can have an opinion about. It's simply there, whether you like it or not. It's up to the majority. We're not to question it; we don't have to agree with them and they don't have to agree with us. It's the majority's decision."
"Sola dosis venenum facit" replied Koschei, "your Latin's a bit rusty, isn't it? The dose makes the poison. But you could translate it with "majority" as well."
Koschei caressed my thighs. I pressed my knees against each other and lay stiffly in front of him.

"You're not relaxed" mumbled Koschei.
"You're still in my bed" I replied baldly.

"We'd slept side by side more often than we'd slept alone when we were children" explained Koschei "But I know, then there's a certain age when you're starting to feel uncomfortable when others are so close to you. And there's an age when you've got to deal with yourself before you can come to terms with others."
I looked up and met his gaze irritated.

"I'm glad I got over that" Koschei went on "or I never reached that phase and I'm still a child.
Either way; I don't care."

"You're not a child" I replied and added quietly "No child could ever be so mean."

"I've never been different" countered Koschei "and I've always been mean. But not to you; you know how much I like you."

"And when did that stop?" I asked frankly.

"It won't ever stop" replied Koschei "We're just taking it to a whole new level."
"I'm not quite sure if I'm comfortable with that" I mumbled and sat up again "You say you like me. But therefore you're confusing and hurting me a lot lately."

"I'm giving my best attention to you, Theta" replied Koschei "I'm spending every moment I can spare with you."

"But I don't want your attention" I tried to explain "I don't have anything against you spending your time with me. But I just don't understand why you're teasing me all the time."
"I guess tantalising would be more appropriate" Koschei grinned.

"If you'd love me you wouldn't hurt me" I mumbled absent-mindedly and could have bitten off my own tongue, swallowed it up and spit it out on the ground just to be able to swallow it again.

Koschei popped his head to one side again.
"How cute" he mumbled but went on in a lower voice "If I'd love you I'd hurt you. I don't hurt you because I don't love you."
"Koschei, you're not making any sense" I said and tried to evade the weird look he was giving me.

"I'm making perfectly sense to myself" explained Koschei.

"If you love someone you've got to hurt him. Or otherwise you'll get hurt yourself."

I shook my head.
"I can't agree with you" I replied, "That just doesn't sound right."

"You can't love without hurting someone" explained Koschei "and you're not loved as long as you're not hurt." I folded my arms and cocked an eyebrow at him.
Koschei didn't approve of my disapproving look at all.

"Face it, Theta" Koschei grasped my shoulders and pulled me towards him "Life is about hurting others. That's all there is.
You hurt your mother when you were born; not intentionally but simply because of the pain she had to bear while giving birth;
You hurt your father when you wouldn't behave or simply say "No" to him;
You hurt your parents as you grow older and make the wrong decisions or don't meet their expectations."

I tried to evade his look; but he wouldn't be content with that. Koschei touched my cheeks and pulled my head upwards: "Can't you see it, Theta? Life is about hurt. Life is hurt! It's either hurting others or getting hurt yourself. That's all you can do. Someone has to suffer; it's either you or them. It's your decision." I freed myself from his grip and folded my arms angrily.

"Please, Koschei, just stop talking! I don't want to hear another word!"

"All you can do is chose wisely" finished Koschei and grasped my hands. I wouldn't even look at him.

"That's disgusting! Koschei, that's disgusting!" I tried to fold my arms again "I don't want to hurt others. And I won't." "You can't help that. And you already did" replied Koschei "like I said, your mother..." "Stop it, Koschei!" I snapped "just stop it! I don't want to hear it!"

Koschei breathed in deeply and wouldn't let go off my hands.
I gave in eventually; he stroked my fingers softly.

"I'm not saying this in order to piss you off" mumbled Koschei "I want to help you. All I want to do is helping you by getting a grip on reality."

I closed my eyes and snorted.

"That's not reality" I corrected him "that's you."

"I can help you, Theta" Koschei pulled on my hands and fondled them like mad "Some of us need to be guided."

"And some of us should better be guarded" I snapped "and secured."

"I like it, when you're mad, Theta" Koschei chuckled.
"Wouldn't say the same thing about you" I replied uneasy "You're always mad."

"Some of us are born mad; others have to be driven mad" explained Koschei. He lowered his head and licked my hands; his warm and moist tongue touched my fingers over and over again while he breathed out hot air through his nostrils and rubbed his cheeks against my skin.
I pulled my hands away in disgust.

"What's the meaning of this?" I asked and wiped them off on my clothes.

"Nothing" replied Koschei bluntly "it's one of those things again... what do you call them again?"

I shrugged. I had wished he'd left my room by now. I couldn't stand his annoying behaviour when I was getting tired.

"Oh, No reason, right, that was it" Koschei went on and looked me deeply in the eye: "I'm afraid it's one of those No-reason-things again."

I nodded tired and lay down on my bed again.

"I'd go to sleep if you don't mind" I mumbled half to him half into my mattress.

"Oh, I won't bother you" replied Koschei and got up quickly "I'd rather let you have a good rest..."
"Than what?" I asked.

"Than having to cope with a tired and possibly angry Theta tomorrow morning" added Koschei "it's no fun bugging someone if he's already bugged."

I didn't even bother to nod. I simply didn't care.

"But I know you're wrong Koschei" I said when Koschei had been halfway through my door "love is not about hurting others."

Koschei grinned madly.

"Oh, Theta" he sighed, "my little Theta. My little innocent one."
And he had closed the door before the book I had thrown at him could have hit the wall beside him.

My little innocent one...

My naive son...

My naive little Theta...

Those had been terms only my father would have used.
And they were only to be used by him.

And Koschei knew that it made me furious if he dared to call me that.

I never minded if my father had called me innocent or naive. Apart from the already mentioned reasons why there's nothing wrong with being called innocent when you're a kid.

It was different with my father.

I knew that my father loved me; and he'd always tell me that he'd love me no matter what happened and no matter who I'd become.
Except for Koschei. That would have been too much for him, I guess.

And I assume it's perfectly normal to say such things to your children; and it's not important if you mean them or not. But what parents probably never know is that their children can hear what they really want to say.

My father told me that he'd love me no matter what.
But I also knew what he'd really wanted me to be.

And this was a sad thing to know...