Long chapter ahead; hope'll you enjoy it!
Not like him.
He never would have told me but it was all he had wished for.
I shouldn't be like him. I shouldn't become like him.
My father never wanted me to become like him.
And I had been sure that I knew who he'd meant by that...
But I guess you never know.
Well, in fact, if you think you know then you definitely don't know.
But it just doesn't work like that, that if you know that you don't know...
Oh...
That's...
I...
I think I'm waking up again...
The Doctor coughed and spat. Someone had tried to instil some kind of liquid into his mouth. He could barely manage to raise his hand and tried to wipe his face.
"Please drink it" mumbled a muffled voice beside him "you're hallucinating, aren't you? You need to drink more often. You're losing too much fluid... in fact you're sweating all the time...That's the third shirt I changed you in today..."
The Doctor shook his head and refused to take another sip. It smelled disgusting.
"It's only tea" the voice beside him tried to soothe him with its words "and you need to drink it."
"I never liked tea" replied the Doctor.
"Doctor?"
The Doctor's lids grew heavier and heavier. He closed them involuntarily.
"Doctor?"
"I don't like tea" he whispered voiceless "it's revolting. It tastes..."
I never liked tea. I only tried it once but I didn't like it. And I guess this isn't something which changes over the years because your taste buds grow old and die off or something like that.
My father gave me tea once. I don't know where he got it from.
I'd heard that it originated from planet earth and that in some parts of this world people would get addicted to it.
They must be really unhappy, I assumed, if you would drink this on purpose; even if it had some kind of hallucinogenic effect. At least on me it didn't.
And it tasted disgusting.
I never knew how you could manage to drink that of your own free will.
Day in day out – Koschei would always be by my side.
Always around me. Always beside me.
Always behind me.
Observing every single movement.
Watching me all the time.
I never got the chance again to have some peace and quiet again.
I never would have said that he stalked me. I mean, of course he did. But it didn't feel like stalking. I felt watched. I felt guarded. And it felt both pleasant and unpleasant at the same time.
I hated being observed.
I guess I hated Koschei for reminding me of my father.
I never knew what he was thinking. And he scared me. But I loved him too much to give up on him.
It was the same kind of love I felt for Koschei which I felt for my father.
I cherished Koschei, I guess. I cherished him like life itself.
To me Koschei meant life. I remembered being alive every time he looked at me. Every time he greeted me with a mad grin.
And I had to admit that I got used to him living in my room as well. It wasn't that bad I suppose.
I know; it's a lot easier to say now, looking back on it all and indulging in reminiscences.
But I didn't mind him being in my room; of course not all the time.
There was something about him that made me feel... young?
I don't know.
Dr. Neakahla had explained that in every mind exists some kind of superordinated perception of "Home". The definition can vary but the idea is the same, in every head, in every mind. There is "Home", representing comfort; it's associated with security, safety a feeling of belonging and whatsoever.
It's simply everything you can feel good about; and it's probably enriched by good memories, too.
And there's not only the sense of Home. There's a smell of Home, as well. Sometimes you think you can touch it, sometimes you think that you can actually feel, or hear it, or probably even taste it.
That doesn't mean that it's got to have something to do with the positive aspects of your childhood.
My mother couldn't cook.
She never managed to get her head around a cook book.
She never knew what to do with food. Except burning it.
So my childhood tastes of oversalted or burnt meals.
And that's not bad.
Alright, it was bad; in fact it was horrible back then.
But that's just memory; it will never change. And in case I'm ever feeling insecure or uncomfortable all I have to do is burn up a carrot and voilà: it smells like home, it feels like home and it probably even tastes like home, if I would be stupid enough to savour it.
I don't mean to imply that life back home was like a burnt carrot.
It's just...
Even unpleasing smells or stenches can remind you of something good.
Something like your own wonderful uncomplicated and carefree childhood.
But not youth.
It was dark in my room and I missed looking at the stars at night.
The academy had always been illuminated, at least on the outside. Well, unless some rats had gnawed wires; or someone had cut through them but made it look like rats had gnawed them off because he was dying to see the stars at night again.
I only did it once.
And they never got me.
But those in charge had learned from their mistakes as well; the rats and the wires had been removed and they had switched to cables intended for in-wall installation.
Be that as it may: I missed the stars. I wasn't allowed outside of the academy at night. Not without a good reason; like investigating on rare nocturnal insects. Only worked once.
And it was stupid nonetheless.
It was too bright as long as I was near to the academy.
I guessed that even on the roof it wouldn't be dark enough to see a thing in the sky.
And the artificial light seemed to frighten away the stars...
Stars. I didn't even know why I missed the stars so much.
I had spent the last twenty minutes standing in front of the window, searching the sky for anything shiny, for anything at all.
I lay down on my bed and grabbed the rope beside my bed.
There had always been stars above us. On each night we had slept outside there had been stars... each night I had spent with Koschei and the others.
Koschei had always stared into the sky with fascination. His eyes had reached for the stars. And I guess he'd try to reach for the stars himself as soon as he'd get the possibility...
I closed my legs and tied my legs together, wrapping the rope around my ankles.
"Well I never knew..."
I froze in shock as soon as I had heard the voice from underneath.
There was someone lying under my bed.
Slowly a head appeared and arose beside mine from under the bed.
I was too upset to even move a muscle.
I could only stare in shocked silence at him.
"I've heard others talking about this strange habit. But I never would have believed that you actually did this. What's the purpose of all this?"
"Koschei!" I managed to get my voice back and after screaming at him it got back to normal "Koschei what are you doing here?"
He grinned. "I'm always beside you. Remember? Although... the last few hours I was beneath you, or underneath, or below, whatever you prefer." Koschei rubbed his neck. "Get's a bit chilly down there, I have to admit. And you should really dust the floor more often."
I hadn't calmed down and hid my legs under my blanket. "What are you doing here?" I repeated.
"I was curious" explained Koschei "as always. There have been these rumours, you see..." "What rumours?" I snapped; I couldn't take my eyes of him and folded my arms angrily.
Koschei sighed; but he wouldn't stop grinning. "Someone had mentioned that you're tying yourself up at night, somehow." His gaze went down to the legs hidden beneath the blanket. He pulled it aside; I tried to hold on to the cover but resistance was futile, like always with Koschei.
"Well, I'll be" Koschei cocked his head to one side and stared at my legs. I looked aside.
"Well, you'll be what?" I mumbled and snatched the blanket away from him.
"Well, I'll be staying tonight, I guess" replied Koschei and knelt beside the bed, his fingers grasped at the rope.
I pushed his hands aside. Koschei gave me an irritated look.
"If you're staying you can sleep in the bed. But keep away from me. You're cold and dusty" my voice was fading and the last words had been a mere whisper. But Koschei understood them nonetheless and crawled in the bed. He wouldn't lie down; he tried to unknot the rope around my ankles.
I grasped his hands. "Koschei, stop that" I gave him a piercing glare "Don't touch it."
"You haven't answered my question" Koschei smirked "Why do you do this?"
"It's none of your business" I snapped. Those were the first words that had come to my mind. But for a while they had also been the last ones.
Koschei stroked my legs while alternating between my skin and the rope. "Why would anyone do that?" he asked himself and thought about it for a while.
I folded my arms again and sat up as well.
Carefully he caressed my ankles. "They're bruised" he pointed out "there had been abrasions and small cuts... you... hurt yourself?" he asked unsure. I didn't reply; but Koschei didn't expect a reply.
"You're doing this on purpose, of course" he mumbled and pulled on the rope. I sighed and shoved his hands away. "Let me have a look at this, will you?" he grabbed my wrists and squeezed them impatiently before pushing them aside.
I yelped in pain and snapped: "Why, did you read anything about it in Dr. Neakahla's script?"
"Your favourite chapter was "The Unknown Body", wasn't it?" he mumbled, completely ignoring my remark.
"Get your hands off me" I hissed "Koschei, stop touching me!"
He turned his head to me and eyed me up carefully.
"Why are you furious?" he asked "Why are you so upset?"
"Because someone had been hiding in my room for several hours to bother me as soon as I would go to sleep."
"It's something personal, I assume" explained Koschei "but... you're not acting by conviction. It seems as if you don't even know what you're doing. Or why you're doing it..."
He removed the rope from my ankles and considered them closely.
"You can still see some old infringements" he mumbled and turned them carefully in his hands.
I looked away sulkily.
"Someone had tied them together for you, I guess" he tried to meet my gaze but I wouldn't even look at him; I wouldn't comply.
"Someone you loved... someone you trusted... you had to trust..."
"Stop it Koschei" I hissed between my teeth.
He sighed and embraced my ankles.
"Why would anyone tie someone's ankles together?" he looked at me again "Any idea?"
I didn't reply.
"Someone tried to keep you from running all the time, I suppose" Koschei went on "unless of course..." He moved his hands upwards until he had reached my knees. "It's not about your ankles, it's because of your legs, I guess..."
I closed my eyes and tried to deny his presence.
No; I tried to deny his existence.
"What's so special about your legs?" he asked; his hands moved across my thighs again.
"Koschei, stop that" I stopped his hands before they could reach my torso. "Just leave it be... and give me the rope."
To my surprise Koschei handed me the rope.
I wrapped it around my ankles and shanks as well. As soon as I had fastened it with knots, Koschei would try to free my legs from the rope again.
We did that several times. I tied the rope around my legs and Koschei would unknot it again; or, if he couldn't undo the knot he simply stripped it off.
I don't know when I give in. But in the end I was too tired and too exhausted to struggle against him.
I let him keep the rope and folded my arms. I pressed my legs against each other.
"Theta, I'm trying to help you" explained Koschei and lay down beside me.
"I can help you abandoning that habit."
"I don't want to abandon it" I replied stubborn.
"Then tell me why are you doing this" Koschei tried to be reasonable which was something to be worried about. He never asked for reasons. Normally it was simply "No reason".
But this was something new...
I wouldn't reply.
I closed my eyes and felt the words rushing through my mind again.
Always: Close your legs.
Tie them together at night.
Never put your legs up in the air.
Don't spread your legs for anyone.
And don't let anybody come near you.
"You can't give me a reason" concluded Koschei "Because there is none."
I shook my head, eyes still closed.
Tie your legs together at night.
Always tie them together at night.
Koschei lay beside me. I assumed he watched me with fascination.
"Who told you to tie up your legs?" he asked. I shrugged, unwillingly to reply.
Koschei observed me for quite a while.
I was forced to open my eyes due to the sudden silence.
Koschei did nothing. He stared at me. That was all.
The fire in his eyes was burning. His pupils were gleaming.
Madness arose.
He was thinking... He was thinking of something.
And then...
It went out.
The fire in his eyes died, as motiveless as it had started.
No glow. No glimmer.
Like always.
Everything about him.
No Reason.
I had rolled over to one side.
My knees hurt because I pressed them against each other as firmly as possible.
Koschei was breathing down my neck.
Oppressive silence had filled the room.
I closed my eyes knowing that I wouldn't be able to sleep with my legs untied.
Koschei sat up.
He moved quietly; every movement had been given carefully consideration; he shifted catty.
I felt him kneeling beside me and turned my head to him.
I looked him in the eye irritated.
Koschei grabbed my knees and pulled them apart; then he turned one of my legs carefully over his head and knelt between my wide spread legs.
Don't spread your legs for anyone.
Close your legs and don't let anything come between them.
I tried to sit up but Koschei pressed one hand against my chest and forced me down on the bed again. He moved closer. I could feel his knees on the inside of my thighs.
Close your legs and don't let anyone come between them.
I shifted uneasily.
Koschei stroked my thighs before clasping my lower legs and pulling them up in the air; he moved them gently until my ankles rested on his shoulders.
Never put your legs up in the air.
I bit my lip and dug my nails into the sheets.
I was too shocked, too scared, too overstrained to move.
I couldn't even think straight anymore.
My mind was filling up with the well-known words, rushing through my brain, bouncing from one side to another and echoing all over.
Koschei didn't even look me in the face.
He didn't focus at anything in particular.
He spread my legs wider until they hurt.
Always: Close your legs.
He didn't give ma chance to move or close my legs.
Tie them together at night.
I couldn't manage to slip away from him – he'd come close every time I tried to keep a proper distance.
Never put your legs up in the air.
Koschei had come between my legs. I didn't even know what it meant.
But I didn't know what to do, either.
Don't spread your legs for anyone.
I couldn't move. I was trapped with Koschei between my legs. There was no turning back.
There was no way out.
I had no chance.
And I was so scared.
And don't let anybody come near you.
Silence hung in the room. Koschei didn't move; neither did I.
There we were, remaining in the same position.
Hovering.
Observing.
Waiting.
I would have heard Koschei panting if I hadn't been deaf and numb.
My mind was spinning and turning inside out. I was trapped in my thoughts. The same words falling and surrounding me, growing closer minute by minute.
Close your legs and don't let anything come between them
Close your legs and don't let anyone come between them
Close your legs and don't let anything come between them
Close your legs and don't let anyone come between them
Close your legs and don't let anything come between them
I clenched my fists, held on to the sheets and let out a cry of pain as Koschei thrust in.