To Begin Again

Chapter 5

Two days have passed since Andy and I spoke. I feel we have taken a giant step backward and I deeply regret initiating the conversation. He is distant and sad.

Yesterday, when I broke out my t shirt and accompanied Julio and Andy to a bar to pick up a suspect, I saw a brief spark of what had been. It felt good to laugh, if only for a moment.

I sink into my chair and open my laptop.

I know I could go to him and he would willingly take me in his arms, but the fear is relentless. How do I let go of fear? Or how do I get it to let go of me?

I hear my phone buzzing and I fumble through my bag. "Rizz" I smile.

"Hey, I just wanted you to know I took your advice."

"Hmm, would that be not to drink chunky milk or to put the toilet seat down when you have a lady houseguest….?"

He interrupts me with a laugh, "um, sorry about that, but no. I called Jasmine, we're working it out."

I am elated "That's wonderful. I knew you could do it."

"So, what about you? Are you working it out?"

I hesitate before answering, "it's not going well."

"Ace says the offer still stands to kick his ass."

"I appreciate that," I sigh, "but I'm the problem."

"You love him, right?"

"What if it happens again? What if we start over and it goes to hell."

"What if it doesn't?"

"I am afraid. I don't want to go through the hurt again. It's like standing on the edge of a cliff… and I am terrified."

"The Bulletproof Babe is terrified? The one who faces down mobsters armed with only a set of magnificent boobs?"

I laugh, "Flashing my magnificent boobs will not solve all of my problems." I notice most of the division is looking at me. I feel my cheeks flush. I give them a smile and shut the door.

"Maybe only the big ones." He pauses a moment, "so what if it does?"

I am silent.

"What if it goes to hell? You will survive. You survived before, you'll survive again." He continues. "Besides, you will always have the posse if you need us."

I tap my pen against the desk, "you make a good point."

"Of course I do." He pauses, "Sharon, now take your own advice."

I put my phone back in my bag. My eyes drift to Andy's empty chair. Provenza tells me he is questioning a witness.

It's 2 p.m. and I am in need of fresh air. I trade my conservative blazer for a white sweater. I am wearing my red and white sundress and red heels, not my typical work attire, but since I've been back, I've tried to be less typical.

I find myself at a small café near the ocean. I can't see the water, but I can smell the sea air and feel a slight chill from an ocean breeze. The waiter asks to take my order. "Herbal tea," I say. He inquires what kind. "Surprise me" I reply.

I pull out my notebook and begin making notes for the next budget meeting. I look up briefly. That's when I see him. He is leaning on a table talking to a well -dressed man. Our eyes meet briefly before I avert my gaze.

As I sip my tea, I notice his eyes are fixed on me. He offers me a warm smile from across the room. I smile in return. I put my paperwork back in my bag as he comes toward my table.

"Is this seat taken?" He asks pointing to the empty chair across from me.

I shake my head and make a motion for him to have a seat.

"Hello, I'm Andy," he said as he extends his hand. "I'm an asshole with a good heart and an incredible talent for screwing things up."

"Sharon," I say as I take his hand, "I have an incredible fondness for good hearted assholes with a talent for screwing up."

When we are done shaking hands, neither of us let go.

I've been spending the last four months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end, but on a Wednesday in a café, we begin again.

~ The End of my story. The Beginning of theirs. ~