I lay in my room for hours during the afternoon, just reflecting, just trying to comprehend.

But I just didn't understand it.

I remembered now that it was important to close my legs.

But still I didn't know why.

And neither did I know what happened.

Or what happened now.

I felt somehow ashamed and I didn't know why.

I was embarrassed for not obeying my father's orders.

I hadn't closed my legs.

I had let Koschei come between them.

I had let Koschei come near me.

He had been closer to me than ever before...

Why.

That was all I could think about.

Why.

Why did Koschei do this?

Why didn't I refuse to accept him moving closer?

Why did he want to get between my legs?

Why did I feel horrible?

I sighed and closed my eyes, pressing my legs against each other and clutching my arms around them.

Why?

The window in my room opened slowly. I didn't even turn my head.

There was the answer. Right in front of me.

Or behind me, to be more specific.

It just came into my room trough the window.

The answers to "Why" were "Koschei" and "No Reason".

"The room wasn't locked" I mumbled and crouched into a corner of my bed.

"I like entering by window" explained Koschei "it's far more interesting. I don't like doors."

I turned my head into a different direction and sighed.

After descending several books and scripts, which crashed onto the floor noisily, Koschei lay down behind me. His hands rested on my shoulders.

"Worried?" he asked.

I didn't move; neither did I give him a reply.

"Frightened?" Koschei asked with increasing interest.

"Irritated? Abashed?"

"Annoyed" I replied bluntly. I folded my arms in front of my chest and tucked up my legs.

Koschei moved closer. His chest was pressed against my back, sinking deeper into it with every breath.

Koschei breathed down my neck. He rubbed his cheeks against my shoulders and ran his fingers through my hair.

"You need a lot of body contact" I mumbled half to myself. I didn't understand it. I didn't understand what Koschei got out of it. Someone as inaccessible as Koschei...

"My innocent little Theta" he whispered in my ear. I clenched my fists.

"What do you want?" I hissed through my teeth.

"Nothing" he replied honestly "Just bugging you. Always bugging you."

"Can't you play with anything else?" I tried to slip away from him. Koschei lay one strong arm around my upper part of the body.

"I guess you're my favourite toy" explained Koschei and chuckled.

"Don't I know that" I mumbled "Only few toys survive this long." I turned my head into his direction. "I'd always thought you preferred toys as a kid which you could break, split, destroy and decompose in less than half a minute and reassemble incorrectly."

"The longer it lasts the more fun it becomes" pointed Koschei out icily.

I shivered.

"And you haven't found a way to break me yet" I assumed.

"Oh... I guess there would be more than one way" explained Koschei "And I would be lying if I told you I haven't thought about it. I think about it every minute. Every time I touch your skin... your soft skin..."

I pushed his hand aside as he ran his fingers over my upper arm.

Koschei sighed and increased his grip. His arms entwined around my ribcage.

"I remember how you were as a kid" whispered Koschei into my ear. I could hear him chuckling as he pulled my body towards his.

I couldn't evade his touch.

"I liked you, Theta. I've always liked you. We'd spent so many evenings together, so many nights... we've wasted weeks together... and I swore, Theta, I swore to myself that you'd be the last one I'd kill..."

I flinched. Koschei's hands on my chest hurt. And he'd startled me by mentioning that.

And though I knew that Koschei was mad I tended to underestimate him. I never figured out how mad exactly he was.

But I guess the only valid depiction would have been completely.

I tried to change the subject.

"Koschei, why are you in my bed again?"

"Because you were lying there" he replied openly "It was a shame, though. Your father never liked me very much."

"I know" I mumbled "and I'm sorry."

"You shouldn't be" Koschei smiled "I guess he knew how much I had hated him."

"Why did you hate him?" I asked.

"Because he disliked me."

"And what did he dislike you for?"

"For hating him."

I sighed and shifted uneasily. Koschei was still trying to move closer. I couldn't hear him breathing.

I felt it.

In and out.

Always in and out...

I closed my eyes and pushed the thoughts back into the darkest corners of my mind.

"And who started it?" I asked uneasily.

"No one" replied Koschei "It had always been this way. It was meant to be this way, I guess."

"Nonsense" I countered "that's rubbish. You could have treated him more respectfully."

Koschei smirked.

"He didn't deserve it."

I bent one knee and placed my sole of foot on Koschei's knee behind mine; my toes pressed against it gently and warningly at the same time.

"I don't like it when you're talking about my father like that" I pointed out and nudged his knee.

"And I don't like your father."

"Koschei, I mean it. Stop talking about him like that" I turned to him slowly. Koschei's eyes revealed his tranquillity; but his stare was unpleasant nonetheless.

"Every brief look of him had been filled with anger" explained Koschei, his eyes brightening "he'd been fuelled with hatred as soon as he caught a glimpse of me."

"He knew that coping with you required special treatment" I sighed "But he never would have turned you down if you had wanted to see me. He never chased you away."

"I guess he should have" mumbled Koschei. Our ribs seemed to fuse into one giant ribcage; our lungs had been synchronized; we breathed in and out simultaneously, our bodies moving deeper into each other.

In and out... in and out...

"Your father is a wise man and you know it; he'd known it. He knew that I meant trouble. And he had wanted to keep us separated."

"But he didn't" I added "he never would have done that."

"And do you know why?"

I sighed. I knew that an unsatisfactory answer was about to follow.

"What do you think Theta?" Koschei turned my body around and moved me to one side. I looked into two shining eyes, sparkling with madness.

"Why would he do that?"

I shrugged.

"Because he knew that I would have been unhappy if he had tried to shield me from you" I responded quickly.

Koschei shook his head.

"Sad thing to know, really" Koschei rested his head on my shoulder and looked me deeply in the eye "the truth is always a sad thing to know."

"And you know it?" I asked unbelievingly. Koschei nodded.
"Then tell me."
"Oh, I don't think you want to know" Koschei shook his head; "you wouldn't like it."

"Tell me, Koschei" I repeated "and you know how I feel about your point of view, anyway."

Koschei sighed. "Don't say I didn't warn you."

"I knew what I got myself into when I didn't throw you out of my room the first time I saw you in here."

"Trouble, I suspect" smiled Koschei, his face moving towards my ear and started whispering.

"Your father is a wise man – no doubt about that. And he knew what I meant; he knew what it would be like having me around all those years; he knew what he was forced to cope with; and he knew that you'd never be safe as long as I was around."
I turned my head aside to meet his gaze. Koschei hadn't stopped smiling.

"But you know why he hadn't turned me away? Not because he underestimated me, no, your father is a fine man; no, because he simply didn't love you enough to protect you from me. If he would have really loved you he would have killed me the first time I'd set foot into your house. Back then he would have stood a chance against me. I was... how old had I been when we met? Four years? Six years? I'm sorry, Theta, but I can't remember. But even at the age of six it shouldn't have been too hard for him. He knew that I would mean trouble, he knew that I'd hurt you one day. And he simply didn't do anything. He's had his chance. And he didn't use it."
I froze and held my breath. I felt my stomach turning. His words made me sick.

They sounded sick.

It was just... sick! I couldn't think of another word to describe it.

I wasn't shocked because he meant that my father hadn't loved me enough; I was shocked at his own remark that my father should have gotten rid of him while he still had had the chance.

Koschei sat up again and pulled me upwards likewise.
"Oh, don't look at me like that Theta. You know that I'm right about that." He grabbed my shoulders. I tried to push his hands aside helplessly.
"Your father could have thrown me out of the window. Or pushed me out of the window if it should have looked like an accident..."

"Koschei, please!" I grabbed his hands and squeezed them hard "Stop talking like that! I don't want to hear it!"

"But you know it, don't you?" asked Koschei "You've seen it yourself. You've seen the hatred in your father's eyes, you'd felt the anger and desperation whenever I had been around; you've seen it in his eyes yourself. You've seen it; that I died; how I died; every time he'd looked at me I died in his eyes and every time it would be more painful."
"Stop it, I said!" I yelled at Koschei and jumped out of my bed "I don't want to hear another word! Do you hear me? Not another word!"

I stood beside the bed and stared at Koschei, tears welling up in my eyes.

Koschei met my gaze; his eyes were hollow. He was calm. He was unmoved.

I covered my face with my hands.

"My father never would have done that" I sobbed into my palms and whipped away the tears "And you know that he couldn't have done that."

Koschei remained unmoved in my bed. He popped his head to one side and looked at me innocently; it was the same innocent look he'd given me all these years.

"Your father knew that I meant trouble" he repeated earnestly "He knew that he wouldn't be able to enjoy a peaceful night's sleep ever again as long as I was alive; he knew he'd always be up and worry about his son; he'd have to worry about you because he couldn't protect you; and no matter what he'd try: you'd never be safe."
The memories came back and rushed through my mind, wave after wave getting tossed around inside of my head.

The memories of my father spending the nights beside my bed.
All these nights.
Watching me. Talking to me in my sleep.
Tying my legs up.

He'd wanted me to be safe.
He'd wanted me to be safe from Koschei.

"But his hate for me wasn't stronger than his sympathy for socially accepted values" Koschei went on quietly "and his love for you wasn't strong enough to kill me."
"Stop that" I whispered. My legs gave out from under me and I collapsed back onto the bed.

"Your father couldn't fight it" Koschei patted me on the back "he simply missed his chance. That's all. He should have killed me. And he knows that. Your father knows that he'll never be able to sleep through a single night, because he knows that I'm still outside there, that I'm still alive."
I sniffed and looked down as I placed my hands on my knees.

"He'd wanted you save. All these years he'd always wanted you to be safe. And he'd failed. He couldn't protect you from me."
"What did you ever do to me?" I asked unbelievingly and sobbed.

"I happened to you" replied Koschei "that's enough."

I leaned my head against his shoulder.

"Don't say that ever again, Koschei" I whispered, my voice was tear-choked "My father didn't fail to protect me."
I failed to protect myself.
I sobbed, burying my face in Koschei's chest, pushing it deeper with every breath, with every sigh and racking sob.
"He should have separated us" Koschei nodded to someone absent-mindedly, whoever he had thought or pretended to see right now behind me or in his mind; it didn't matter. And it didn't even matter to him that there was no one else in this room.

"It wasn't his fault" I whimpered and grasped his shoulders "He's not to blame."

Koschei sighed. My emotional reaction seemed to irritate him. He didn't know how to deal with it.

"He did all he could, alright?" snapped Koschei.
I agreed and sniffed.
My sobs became quieter.

"I never would have thought that I could give in one day" Koschei pulled himself together and chuckled, "I thought I'd always maintain my position."
He raised my head and turned it towards his face. "I must be mad, Theta."

"No, you're nearly reasonable" I pointed out.
"That's being mad, for me."

Koschei embraced me. He held me close and tight, patting me on the back constantly.
I sank into his arms and couldn't stop crying.

I didn't know why.

And I was glad Koschei wouldn't ask me about it.

He didn't understand emotions at all.

I guess I felt horrible because I knew that Koschei was right.

We never should have got to know each other.

I never should have brought him home.

My father should have killed him.

And we shouldn't have met again in the academy.

Our paths never should have crossed.

They never should have crossed at all, because once they touched each other they had to melt;

They'd melt into one path of chaos.