Thanks for the reviews and the new favorites/follows. It is nice to know this story still has fans after so many chapters. Here is a little more. Sorry it isn't much. I've been busy, but I'm trying to keep up on posting as much as I can.
"Were you here all night?" Olivia asked the next morning when she woke up to find Donald Cragen at her bedside. "You didn't have to stay with me."
"Of course I did," he smiled, trying not to show how tired he was from dozing in the visitor's chair all night. "You couldn't be up here all alone. What of this little girl decided to make her appearance after all?"
Olivia smiled, "She's staying put…for now," she leaned forward, swinging her legs to the side of the bed.
"Whoa…where do you think you're going?" he asked nervously. "You are not leaving this bed."
"I have to," she said with urgency. "I really need to go to the bathroom. I can't wait," she put her hand on her stomach, "Trust me…I have to go."
"Okay…here," he took her arm and helped her stand to her feel. "Just hang on to me and I'll walk you to the bathroom."
"I can walk by myself," she said, embarrassed by his doting but grateful to have someone to depend on.
"I know you can," he smiled. "But humor me…let me help." She nodded, letting him use one arm to guide her toward the bathroom, while he held onto the IV pole with the other letting is roll on beside them. He pushed open the bathroom door, "Here…I'll be right outside the door if you need anything. I can call a nurse…"
Olivia nodded, "Thanks…but I'll be fine." She took the IV pole and pulled it in behind her, closing the door.
While he stood there waiting for her, he wondered if she really was alright. It seemed like it was taking her forever in the bathroom, and he debated knocking on the door and checking on her, but he didn't want to invade her privacy either. Finally she opened the door, and he looked serious, "Are you okay?" he asked.
"I'm fine," she laughed a little. "The baby just likes to bounce on my bladder and when I have to pee, I really have to pee." She sighed, "Besides, I usually wake up four or five times a night now to go to the bathroom and I didn't wake up at all last night because of those sleeping pills. I'm lucky I didn't wet the bed like a toddler."
He put his hand on her back, guiding her toward the bed. "How on earth do you manage to get up that many times a night?" he asked. "Elliot can't help you up, can he?"
She slowly climbed back into bed, and he pulled the blankets up around her. "El tries…he really does. He wants to help me. I can get up out of bed by myself. I just use the nightstand for support and shift my weight until I can kind of hoist myself up." She sighed, "I wish I hadn't gained so much weight. It would be easier."
"Elliot said you have some condition that is causing the weight gain," he said gently. "It's not your fault."
"I know that," she gave a sad smile, "But it's hard not to blame myself when so much is going wrong. Sometimes I wonder if I did this on purpose, you know?"
"Did what on purpose?" he asked. "Gained weight."
"No," she shook her head. "Got pregnant." She could tell he looked confused. "When Brian and I were still together, I thought I was…and I took a test that was negative and I was devastated. Brian was thrilled of course."
"I'm sorry," he said softly. "I know that had to hurt you."
She shook her head, "It was for the best…but you see, my doctor told me the odds of me ever having a baby were slim to none…that I'd waited too long and I was too old." She sighed, "So when Elliot and I…got together…I didn't think to be careful…at least that's what I told him when I found out I was pregnant."
"So, you're saying you did this on purpose?" Cragen asked in disbelief. "You…tricked him…into impregnating you?"
"Not really," she tried to explain. "I mean…I didn't plan it out…I guess I just wonder if on some level I wished it would happen." She brushed away a tear that was sliding down her cheek. "I've always wanted to have a baby…always…"
"Liv…wanting to have a baby isn't something to be ashamed of," he squeezed her hand.
"But I had Noah…and he should have been enough for me," she cried. "I love him…I do…"
"Of course you do," he whispered. "I know that."
"This baby…did El tell you?" she asked. "About her…"
He nodded, "She has Downs. He told me."
Olivia nodded, "It's all my fault. If I had just let myself be happy with what I had…"
"Are you saying you don't want her?" he asked, unsure what she was trying to say and hoping that wasn't it.
"I want her…more than anything," she insisted. "I love her. I just don't want her to hate me…" she cried. "When she gets older…and she's different…she might blame me, think that I'm the reason she isn't popular with other kids or that things are hard for her…and she'd be right. What kind of mother am I, to purposely have a baby when I had no business at my age even thinking about it?"
"Olivia," he wasn't sure how to respond to her. "Your daughter is going to love you so much…I'm sure she already does. Someday…she's going to know that you wanted her so badly that you chose to have her, when most women would have been scared to death to go through a high risk pregnancy at forty-seven…"
"I'm forty-six," she blurted out…and then laughed at how ridiculous it sounded. "For a couple more months anyway…"
He laughed, "Okay…at forty-six." He squeezed her hand tighter, "I know you wished for this baby, Liv…but I also know you didn't get pregnant on purpose. This baby was a surprise…and by word of your own doctor is obviously a miracle…" He sighed, "My wife and I…we wanted children…we tried for so long and all we had was heartache. If I could have made her a mother, I would have tried until we were eighty and I never would have regretted it."
"I don't regret her," she said seriously. "Please don't think that…"
"I don't," he stroked her cheek, brushing away her tears. "You're scared…and that's understandable. Having a baby is scary enough under the best of circumstances, Liv. But you…you have a toddler at home, and the father of your baby is in a wheelchair and suffering the effects of a serious brain injury, plus this pregnancy is taking its toll on you. All of that, along with the disabilities this baby could be facing…honey, anyone would be afraid. But I can promise you this…you are the best mother this little girl could ever hope for…and you're not alone in this. A lot of people love you…" he smiled. "And I'm at the top of that list."
"Thanks…" she cried. "Sometimes…these stupid hormones get the best of me and I can't seem to get out of this funk. I'm sorry…"
He smiled, "It's okay…I want to be here if you need someone to talk to. That's my job."
"You're not my captain anymore," she reminded him, wiping her eyes with a tissue.
"But I am your friend," he said seriously, and she nodded, sniffling and forcing a weak smile. "So…" he asked. "When are you going to tell me this little one's name? I hate calling her baby girl."
Olivia shook her head, "She doesn't have one yet. We can't decide, so I told Elliot we should just wait until we meet her and pick the name that suits her best." She looked sad, "I can't imagine her…you know? I try to picture what she's going to look like…and I can't see her face. Downs babies….some look almost like they don't even have a disability and others look noticeably different. I don't want to get a picture in my head, and then be shocked when I see her. I just want to meet her and fall in love with who she is without any preconceived notions…"
"I know," he said gently. "But I can tell you this. I already know how she's going to look." She looked questioningly at him and he smiled, "She's going to be the most beautiful baby in this hospital," he said. "I have no doubt about that."
Olivia nodded, "I think so too," she smiled.