thanks again for the reviews :) and Mabudachi-trio, yeah, you're definately right ;)

I tried not to move.

I tried not to get hurt more than necessary by moving.

I lay there.

I had opened my eyes after a minute or two.

My mind wasn't racing; it seemed as if it had left my body moments ago. I was brain-dead.

In a way.

Koschei was on top of me.

Coming closer.

In and out.

I looked Koschei in the face, cold and motionless. I tried not to think about the thing he moved against constantly as my body. I must have left it without noticing.

I didn't feel anything.

In a way.

I didn't seem to have emotions anymore. I wouldn't have known what to feel, anyway.

Or how I should feel about...

In and out.

Closer and closer.

In and out. I felt nothing but in an out.

My ankles had been rubbed sore by the rope. My knees hurt; I had cramps in my legs. Koschei pushed against my lower abdomen persistently.

It hurt. It just...

"Koschei, you're hurting me" I whispered with wide open eyes and searched his gaze.

Koschei moaned and smiled.

"Don't worry" he breathed heavily "I'm trying to hurt you without loving you."

I would have thought "that's not what I meant" if I had been able to have clear thoughts during the process of...

I had stared at the ceiling absent-mindedly.

I didn't know. I just didn't know.

I didn't know what Koschei had been doing to me.

But in a way I knew that it was wrong; therefore I felt disgusting.

But I couldn't struggle against it. I didn't even know against what I should have tried to protect myself.

Although it was dawning on me...

Koschei...

I should have protected myself from Koschei.

I never should have let Koschei come between my legs.

Closer. Still closer and closer.

My pelvis got pushed harder and harder. Koschei grew closer, with every breath with every movement he managed to get... deeper.

I was able to free my hands from his firm grip. Koschei let me do as I pleased; he felt that I wasn't struggling. He felt that I wasn't resisting.

I placed my hands on Koschei shoulders and tried to sit up; I wrapped my arms around his upper part of the body and rested my head on his shoulders.

Always closer...

Always deeper...

In and out...

Still in and out...

I was unemotional. Neither did I take part in it nor did I fight it. I simply allowed it to happen.

Without knowing what it was.

Or what it would do to me.

Consent through silence.

Silence is consent.
I had read that in a book years ago; I thought it had been about conclusion of contracts. But you never know. And somehow it seemed to be more appropriate under the present circumstances.

Koschei breathed heavily and moved restlessly above me.

And under the present circumstances seemed to be appropriate as well.

I tried to shift uneasily only to be reminded once more that I was unable to move.

I closed my eyes.

I had been counting since my mind had gone dead.

Koschei grunted, pressed his hands against my shoulders and collapsed onto my body seconds later.

I winced in pain and held my breath.

I hoped that his chest hurt as bad as mine.

Koschei gasped for air; his face rested on my cheeks; his forehead was covered in sweat.

"Forty-seven" I hissed between my teeth, hoping that Koschei would soon get the strength back to move aside.

I met his irritated gaze.

"I counted to forty-seven" it was a mere whisper that died away quickly after the word "forty".

Koschei panted; but he was back to grinning.

"Took me longer than I'd expected" he replied and chuckled.
Koschei sat up and freed my legs from the bedpost; my cold feet sank onto the sheets slowly.

He knelt between my legs while I didn't even think of closing them. Koschei seemed to enjoy it. He misjudged my immobility for serenity. But I was far from that.
The blood seemed to rush back into my brain.

It would have been an exaggeration to say that I could think straight again.

But my thoughts didn't seem that curved anymore; and I guess that hadn't even made sense back then.

"Next time you can concentrate on counting the thrusts" Koschei smiled and moved his hands across my thighs in order to reach for my pelvic area. I closed my legs and folded my arms.

I couldn't think.

Still I couldn't think.

"I miss the stars" had been the first thought which had come to my mind. And because I was unable to think of anything I had simply vocalized it without giving it much thought.

Koschei grasped my legs and pulled them to one side; I sat up, feeling his hands on my shoulders again.

I turned to Koschei who had dressed himself quickly.

"I really miss the stars" I repeated absent-mindedly.

I couldn't have spoken of what had happened in my brain back then. But it felt as if it had been very close to exploding and bursting out through my eyes.

Koschei stood up and reached out for my hands.

"Come" he mumbled and pulled me with him, towards the window. I snatched my clothes and put them back on before following Koschei over the windowsill.

I guess it never would have occurred to me that it would be possible to reach the roof by climbing from windowsill to windowsill.

And even if it had occurred to me I never would have done that, not under normal circumstances.

But I wasn't thinking.

And I guess I wouldn't even have cared if I had slipped.

I didn't care anymore.

Koschei pulled me onto the roof as well; I sat down beside him. It wasn't very steep but due to the darkness it was hard to see where you could stand securely.
Koschei knew where it was safe to rest; I assumed he'd been here before.

I grasped his arm involuntarily. "Don't worry, we're safe" said Koschei smiling.

"You can't see a thing" I replied nervously.

"That's not quite right" countered Koschei and pointed at the sky.

I looked upwards.

The sky.

The sky was full of stars.

The roof was high enough above the city lights, above the artificial light which illuminated most of the academy at night.

The stars.

I'd finally seen the stars again.

"When was the last time you've seen them, Theta?" asked Koschei. I stared at the sky with wide open and unbelieving eyes. My jaw had dropped.

"I can't remember" I mumbled half-heartedly while searching the sky with an observant gaze.

"Things have changed" I added, closing my mouth again.

"We all change over the years" replied Koschei.

He had been silent for the past minutes, which was unusual for him. And his replies nearly made sense to me, which was even more exceptional.

"But we just don't burn out and disappear" I mumbled and looked around "Where's the Truncated Octahedron constellation?"

"It's gone" explained Koschei, "it collapsed and fused together. Must have been two years since it happened."

I nodded thoughtfully.

"I guess you observed the stars a lot during the past years" I picked up the conversation again.

My legs hurt.

They wouldn't stop hurting. And they felt weak. I was afraid, no I was sure that I'd collapse on the way down. Therefore I had to stay up here a little longer.

I was sure we wouldn't freeze to death.

It was a little bit chilly only.

Koschei nodded.

"The past few weeks had been the first since a long time I had slept in a bed."

"You slept in the open air?" I assumed. Koschei smiled. "Or under someone's bed."

I chuckled.

"You're a freak" I mumbled quietly.

"And you're cold" replied Koschei "We should get down."

Koschei sat up properly, he'd leaned his back against the roof till now.

I grasped his hands. "No" I said hurriedly "Please, let's stay a little while longer."