Koschei looked me deeply in the eye. He searched my face. He searched my eyes. And it felt as if he could get about two inches inside my skull with his stare.
Eventually he shrugged.
I leaned my head against his shoulder.
My legs wouldn't stop shaking. I was weak and vulnerable. Somehow I felt as if my energy had been drained. It just wouldn't stop. And worst of all I felt that I got tired too.
My head rested on his shoulders; Koschei was sweaty; his garment was soaked with sweat as well.
He smelled.
No, that would have been wrong. It wasn't that the fact that he smelled... the smell reminded me of my childhood. Of Home.
It had something about it... something childish and familiar. It was intimate to me, somehow.
I had become acquainted with it over the years. Over the early years.
Now I remembered.
My room used to smell of Koschei; the scent had been all over him and me as well. It made me feel safe. It made me feel secure. It felt like being home and protected.
Though it was strange. There was something else in the smell.
It remembered me of home.
It meant childlike complacency. But there was something disturbing it.
It brought back terrible memories.
It was the smell of innocence, the smell of an uncomplicated childhood.
And yet...
I had hated the smell, back then.
I had felt reassured because of the positive affects it had had on me.
But the other component...
It was a warning.
It meant danger.
Danger...
I raised my head and looked around irritated.
Koschei fondled my neck. He was warm. He was still warm. And his hearts were beating healthily.
While I was...
I pressed a hand against my chest. It was slowing down. I got tired, I couldn't deny it. I was tired. I felt emaciated and exhausted.
Koschei had sapped my energy. Somehow he had managed to weaken me. I felt terrible.
Koschei had managed to make me feel insecure; and yet he meant security and safety to me.
He protected me. He'd always protected me from everything.
But not from himself...
"Theta, we should really be getting down" Koschei stroked my back carefully. Physical contact. All the time. He needed it. He was in dire need of touching me. "I'm afraid it's no safe place to sleep. Not even with me by your side."
I raised my head which had fallen into his lap; I must have dozed off, I guess.
And I stared him in the eye.
Koschei smiled and kissed me on the cheeks.
"That's enough of childhood memories for today, isn't it?" asked Koschei and grinned.
My eyes widened.
He knew what I was thinking.
He knew it.
But how?
Was my mind so easy to read?
Koschei stood up and dragged me behind him.
Climbing down back into my room wasn't as unspectacular as climbing up the roof. And all of a sudden I did care and worry about slipping and falling off.
But Koschei guided me carefully.
He knew every inch of the walls. I wondered how often he'd been up there before.
Or what he had been doing.
But I'd never figure it out, anyway. And I never knew if I had wanted to know what he was planning. Koschei was always planning something.
And I feared the day he'd be done with planning.
I had hoped the world would have prepared itself for Koschei; that it had been ready.
But you're never prepared for him...
I was glad when we reached my room and lay down on my bed. Koschei took the rope once more in his hands and tied my ankles against the bedposts, but this time he left me enough room to shift a bit. And I really needed this legroom.
Koschei moved me aside and lay down beside me. I was very happy to find him lying as uncomfortable as myself.
"I'll have a look at your ankles in the morning" explained Koschei "then we'll see if there's another way for you to be tethered up."
I could see his white teeth shining in the moonlight.
Grinning like a mad Chester cat, as always.
I hated that grin.
"Tied up" I hissed as Koschei's head rested on my shoulder. "It's tied up."
"Same thing isn't it?" he chuckled and kissed my neck.
"I didn't mean to offend you" explained Koschei after I've snorted and cleared my throat several times. I had a hard time staying awake.
"You know, Theta... I'm not calling you a wild and untameable animal, which needs to be tethered up for safety reasons..."
"No, that would be you" I replied and let out a long drawn-out sigh.
Koschei ignored my comment and went on"...it's just... someone must have been really worried about you not behaving yourself. Someone had found it best to lock you up like an animal instead of talking to you about what bothers him; he'd preferred humiliating you instead of sorting things out properly; maybe he even thought it was the easy way out... and most of all he thought he could protect you...
no, even more, he thought he could safe you."
"Go to sleep Koschei" I hissed and stared at the ceiling.
Koschei chuckled beside me and tried to get comfortable with his head on my chest. I hoped the two alternating heartbeats would keep him awake all night.
I breathed in deeply; I rubbed my face and wiped my eyes and tried really hard not to cry.
But I couldn't help it.
I didn't even know why I was crying; but the tears just wouldn't stop running.
And all of a sudden I understood why Koschei hated Ms. Reprics.
He understood her.
He was like her.
"Doctor... are you crying?"
The Doctor mumbled something incomprehensible and lay on his back motionless.
"Doctor, what's wrong?"
The Doctor didn't even bother to open his eyes. He didn't care who was beside him. He didn't care who kept bothering him.
The only thing he cared about was how soon the fever would go down. He didn't want to remember it. It had taken him at least five regenerations to forget about it all, to forget about Theta, about Koschei and...
He rolled over to one side, hiding his face in a cushion.
He couldn't stand it anymore. It had to stop. He had to keep himself from remembering.
Theta was dead.
He had died hundreds of years ago; he simply had died on Gallifrey. He couldn't remember why or how. But that wasn't important. It was important that he was DEAD.
He would never return. He could never come back. And his memories had to be lost for good. Theta had been lost forever...