A/N: As promised the next chapter… thank you everyone for reading and commenting! Much appreciated. I hope you enjoy the continuation.
Chapter 2
"I'm Bigger Than You"
The familiar beeping sound of a monitor filtered into his consciousness. The burning sensation in his arm was welcomed as it told him his usual medications were dripping into his failing body, saving him once again. For what purpose he wasn't so sure about, but he shoved the thought away. He could hear Duncan talking to someone but there was no second voice. He forced his eyes open. His friend was on the phone.
"No, Ed. He didn't talk to her... I know. That's how I reacted too. Do you have her number?... All right, text me then and I'll get in touch with her... I dunno, I'd say worse than when he left. He can't even walk up a flight of stairs... Not very well. He ran off on me and collapsed by the time I had caught up with him... Yup, that's where we are right now... No need for shocking this time, did okay with IV medications. I'm waiting for him to wake up."
That was when Duncan caught Hardy staring at him. He smiled, stepped up to him and put a hand on his arm. He was still on his phone. "Sleeping beauty just woke up. Let me get off, unless you want to talk to him?... Might be right about that, he's already scowling at me. I'll keep in touch, Ed. Bye for now." Duncan pocketed his phone and pulled up a chair.
It was dark in the room but Hardy recognized the observation unit of Dorset County Hospital. He sighed inwardly. He had reached the stage where he could identify the bloody hospital by its ceiling tiles. Spectacular, just what he needed. He tried to sit up but Duncan's hand on his arm was firm, pressing him down on the bed.
"If you think you can just walk out like you always do, you're wrong," Duncan growled quietly as to not wake up the other patient in the room.
"It's my choice," Hardy argued.
"Not while I'm around. I'm going to make sure you're being seen by a cardiologist. You can try fight me, but just in case you don't remember…" - and Duncan bent down to be close to Hardy's ear - "I'm bigger than you." He poked Hardy in the chest, underscoring his threat. Hardy rolled his eyes and pressed his lips together.
When he met Duncan in prep school these were the first words Duncan had said to him. The boys were fighting over a spot under a tree on the school grounds. It was Hardy's favorite place to hide and read and it turned out that the new kid in town, Duncan, had picked out the exact same location as the best spot to watch the girls during PE class.
On that day, Hardy had had a miserable experience during lunch hour, being teased as usual and harassed by the school bullies, and all he wanted to do was have a few moments of peace and quiet. When he walked up to his spot, it was taken. By this tall and broad shouldered dark-haired kid that he had never seen in school before. He told the kid, that this was his spot and that he should bugger off. The kid just looked him up and down and grinned. 'I'm bigger than you. What're ya gonna do about it?' The challenge was there and for once, Hardy had had it with being pushed around by everyone. Against his better judgment, he charged at the much larger boy. Duncan might have been stronger but he wasn't faster. Before Duncan could react, Hardy had given him a bloody nose. They were rolling through the grass, interlocked in a struggle until Hardy couldn't breathe any more and begged the other kid to let go, while he was gasping for air. His heart was pounding in his chest. Duncan must have realized that something was off because he rolled off of him and helped him sit up.
When Hardy had caught his breath and felt better, Duncan stuck out his hand. 'Duncan McCormick. You fight well for such a scrawny guy.' Hardy had stared at the proffered hand but then took it. 'Alec Hardy.' And after a few moments of consideration he added, 'We could share the spot. 'S got enough room for a big guy and a scrawny one. If you'd like?' Duncan had smiled and wiped at his bloody nose. He nodded and pulled Hardy up to a stand. They walked away together. The next day at lunch nobody dared to bully Hardy while Duncan was telling him about that red-haired girl he'd met in dance class.
"Fine. I'll stay. But only overnight," Hardy grumbled.
Duncan grinned from one ear to the other. Hardy had to admit, that he wouldn't have been up for leaving anyway. The brief struggle with Duncan had already set his heart off again, leaving him breathless and he was grateful for the oxygen whistling into his nose. Maybe it wasn't the worst idea to see the cardiologist before he left. He closed his eyes.
"Did you tell Ed about why you're here?" Hardy asked, voice low and hollow.
"Aye, I did. He was the only one who knew where you were staying."
Duncan sighed. "Alec, you have to make some changes. This isn't healthy."
Hardy snorted and opened his eyes. "Seriously? You wanna talk to me about healthy? Here, right now? While I'm hooked up to all this shite?" - he tugged on the cables that were connecting him to the monitor - "Because I really don't see the point."
"And that's exactly the problem, you idiot," Duncan hissed at him, voice getting louder with exasperation.
A nurse came over. "Sir, I'm sorry but if the two of you can't be quiet we'd have to ask you to leave. It's after visiting hours and we made an exception but if you're disturbing the other patients, we can't have you here."
Hardy glared at the nurse and was about to open his mouth, when Duncan shushed him up with his hand and piercing stare. Then he turned to the nurse and put on his most charming smile which hardly anyone could ever resist.
"I'm sorry. I promise we will be quiet. He needs to rest anyway, right?" The nurse nodded and Duncan's smile grew even wider. "Thank you for being so understanding and letting me help to make sure that my dear friend here doesn't do anything stupid like he did in the past. Your kindness is very much appreciated." The nurse blushed and hid a shy smile.
"Okay, as long as you are not talking you can stay." Duncan's smile lingered while she walked out. However, when he turned to Hardy it was gone.
He moved close to Hardy's ear and whispered, "Don't think that you can get out of this conversation. I'll shut up for now because I want to be able to keep an eye on you. Can't be trusted. Go to sleep now, and I mean it."
His green eyes were boring into Hardy's. Hardy resisted a few heart beats, then acknowledged defeat with a nod. He was sure he wouldn't be able to sleep. He was wrong.
Her body was weighing heavily on his arms and her head was lolling back, dragging her long hair through the murky water. Arms and legs were dangling and the rain dripped off of them. He was shaking with the cold in his bones and he was so exhausted that each step that he took was a struggle in its own. The river bank seemed to move farther and farther away and when he broke down on his knees and her limp body slid off of his arms, it was but a small sliver on the horizon. Right before he went under the water, unable to save himself and her, he saw her small shape drift away from him, her hazel eyes that were so much like his staring dead back at him. He tried to reach her but it was too late. "I'm sorry, darlin'" he sobbed, sucking in the cold liquid into his lungs. He sputtered and coughed, choking and drowning and there was nothing he could do.
Light suddenly hit his eyes, accompanied by a loud blaring alarm and the noise of people. He tried to focus on his surroundings but could not get his bearings until a soothing voice filtered through his confusion.
"Alec, look at me! Take a deep breath. It was just a dream. I've got you, I'm right here with you." A hand was holding his shoulder and another brushed his sticky hair out of his face.
"Daisy…," Hardy croaked.
"Daisy is all right. It was just a dream, Alec. She's fine." Duncan's arms folded around Hardy and he wrapped him into a tight embrace, rocking him gently. "She's fine," he whispered into Hardy's ear over and over again until Hardy's sobs quieted down.
The monitor stopped alarming when Hardy finally caught his breath, and when it sunk in where he was and that it yet again had only been a dream. Duncan let go of him, resting his green eyes on his pale features. He wasn't hiding the sorrow he felt for his friend and in a way Hardy was grateful for that. It had been a while since someone helped him come out of the tight grip of his nightly horror show. It made a difference. It also made a point of emphasizing how lonely he really was and in sudden rush of regret he wished he'd never come to Broadchurch, never had embarked on this insane plan of keeping a close eye on Claire Ripley. Too late now, like so many things in his life.
They were alone in the room, without any hospital staff and the other patient had been moved during the commotion surrounding Hardy's sudden arousal from sleep.
Duncan helped him lie back down on his pillow. Hardy still hadn't said a word. He probably should, but his throat felt tight and he lacked the ability to put his emotions out into the open. They sat in silence for a while, until Duncan eventually took it upon himself to start a conversation.
"Do you still get them every night?"
Hardy swallowed. "Aye."
"Is it always Daisy?"
"Not always, but more often than not. It's been getting more frequent." He let his eyes trail out the window, the rain drops blurring with the tears in his eyes. "I miss her so much, Duncan. I haven't talked to her since…," his voice broke and he couldn't finish his sentence.
"Why don't you tell her the truth, Alec? Why uphold that stupid lie?" Duncan asked, kindly but not without firmness.
Hardy snorted. "She won't even answer my calls. How am I supposed to do that then, ey?" Frustration was seeping into his voice. "She lives with her mother. I can't jeopardize whatever stability she might have regained since we split up. Besides Tess has a word in this too."
A deep furrow etched itself into Duncan's forehead. "You owe nothing to Tess. She screwed you over royally and was happy to let you take the fall for it. So don't get me started. If you want to tell your daughter that you're not a lying, cheating fucked up failure then you should just do it."
Hardy flinched. "Did you really have to put it that way?" Daisy had thrown those words at him when they talked the last time. Talked was probably the wrong phrase to describe their very one-sided conversation. Daisy had yelled at him, insulted him and then ended the call with a passionate "I hate you" and hung up the phone. He had been too stunned and ill at the time to seize the opportunity to defend himself. And even if he had had the guts to tell his daughter the truth right there and then, would it have changed her anger towards him? He was still a liar and a failure.
"Alec, you can't let your life be dictated by the past. And you have to stop acting like you're going to die soon," Duncan reprimanded him.
"Seriously? And why is that? 'Cause I might, you know," Hardy growled back, petulance wiping away all reason.
Duncan hit the mattress. "Enough, Alec," he exclaimed.
Hardy speculated that if he hadn't been lying in a hospital bed, Duncan might actually have slapped him. His friend's face was bright red and now he was the one taking in some deep calming breaths. He stood abruptly.
"I'm going to get some tea for myself and see where that cardiologist is at. I've had enough of your shitty attitude and your self-pity. You complain that Daisy doesn't talk to you while you ignore all of your friends who are worried about you and then you dare to whine about how lonely you are. I came because I want to help you, but when I see you like this I'm beginning to believe that maybe you don't want to be helped. You can spend some time thinking about what I said and when I come back I expect an answer that will satisfy me more."
Hardy stared at him, scowling and screaming inside. He didn't want him to leave, didn't want to be alone, especially not in this hospital room of all places. But he couldn't say a word as he had no recourse to reign in his inner turmoil. All he could do was nod.
Right before Duncan left the room, he halted and without looking at Hardy, he said, calmer now, "You know how much you mean to me, Alec. And I would do anything for you but if you don't make at least a small step to meet me, what am I supposed to do? Don't do that to me and yourself, please." And he walked out the door.
Hardy rolled over, hugging his pillow. Again the rain drops on the window were blurring while silent tears were running down his cheeks, getting caught in the beard he hadn't been bothering to even trim for God who knows how long now. He so wanted to make that step but more and more it seemed he had forgotten how to.
His life had fallen apart so quickly that he didn't only get broken up in the process but also left behind somewhere on that rocky path, unable to deal with all the overwhelming events and emotions. There were days when he suspected that maybe his brain had indeed taken a hit during one of the many times his heart had failed him because he wasn't able to wrap his mind around any of it, let alone understand or try to find a way out. Instead he had focused his life on the one thing that he might be able to fix, solving the Sandbrook case. But after being close to Claire for several months now and only learning that she was a seriously unstable individual yet still surprisingly good at hiding what happened that night, he didn't even believe he could do that any longer.
On some days, he wanted to take care of his heart, but then it all seemed so hopeless, and as long as he kept quiet and didn't put too much strain on himself, he could manage. He had never talked to a cardiologist after he had checked himself out the morning after collapsing in the boatyard, but previous experience told him that he probably would have to wait at least six to eight weeks for them to consider doing the operation. He couldn't bear the thought of going for it without having ever talked to Daisy again. He doubted that he would be able to agree to it as long as this was still an issue.
Maybe Duncan was right and it was time to tell her. He could make the trip to Sandbrook and talk to her in person. The thought of that alone robbed him of the very air to breathe and he stopped himself from going down that path. He might not make it through a conversation with her and what good would that do? It was a vicious cycle with no way out. He felt trapped, cornered by life and his poor decisions that lead him to where he was now.
The monotonous sound of the rain tapping against the window combined with the beeping of the monitor for once reflecting a steady heartbeat lulled him into drowsiness. Caught up in his circular and tiring thoughts, he drifted in and out of sleep until he heard Duncan come back. As soon as his friend stepped up to his bed, Hardy opened his eyes and held Duncan's gaze.
"Please, help me," was all he could get out.
Duncan sat down at the edge of his bed, took his hand and smiled. "That's why I'm here, Alec."
A/N: We all can use a friend like Duncan now and then. And Alec sure needs someone to set is head straight and Duncan has his work cut out for him. Next chapter should be up in a day or two. And maybe after that ktrose can figure out where it's going and what made me think of the story ;-)