Thy words shall not be heard...
Thy words won't be overheard...
I didn't know where they originated from.
I guess those must have been words my father remembered. Buggered if I know where he got them from.
But they had been in my head as well.
You can pass on diseases and words and feelings... why shouldn't you be able to do it with thoughts likewise?
The strange thing had been: I knew that those words originated from my father. But it hadn't been his words. He'd never said that. He'd never thought that. They simply had been there, in his mind. All of a sudden. Burned-in and fixed in his mind.
And I didn't understand it; and neither did my father.
What words? he'd ask himself over and over again whose words wouldn't be heard?
It was a an unsolved puzzle.
But he'd wait for the right moment, wait for the right explanation. He'd wait until it had been too late...
I awoke with a backache which was not at least a bit unusual. The only difference had been that I hadn't slept with my legs tied but with my legs spread, well as for my back it hadn't made any difference. I had been forced to sleep on it, for whatever reasons.
I raised my head and turned my face aside slowly. Koschei's had rested on my cushion and he breathed down my neck; and a bit on my face.
My head sank back into the pillow.
My legs hurt. And they were cold. But I figured that I wouldn't be able to free myself from the rope.
I was forced to wait until Koschei would wake up.
I sighed and snatched the blanket away from him, covering my freezing legs with it.
I knew that Koschei enjoyed it.
He'd probably even enjoy it in his sleep.
I was forced to wait for him. I depended on him. I depended on his decision to let me go.
He'd always wanted this. He'd always wanted to gain control over me.
Total control.
For whatever reasons.
I didn't understand what Koschei got out of it.
Besides knowing that I was freezing and that my legs had to hurt by now.
I sighed again. I wasn't going to wait for him to wake up.
I poked him in the ribs. Koschei mumbled something I couldn't quite understand; I imagined it to be a bunch of maledictions, fused together in one word, due to the fact that he'd still been asleep.
"Koschei" I tried to shake him up.
A narrowed pupil focused on my face. I hadn't even been able to witness how his eye had opened.
"What?" Koschei hissed and raised his head.
He looked at me mad, as always. Only that he was tired now, too.
I swallowed and looked down at my feet.
"Would you be so kind as to untie the knots around my ankles?" I asked, pulling myself together.
My voice died away slowly. There was something about Koschei that made me feel... insecure, which was odd because usually Koschei had been a synonym for security for me.
The pupil, which belonged to a clearly mad eye, widened and moved a bit.
Koschei sat up and nodded, reaching for the rope at the foot of the bed.
"But I guess you would be a lot more useful this way" he growled.
"How could I be of any use if I'd remain in this position?" I asked and stretched my legs after they'd been freed.
Koschei smiled. He smiled viciously.
And it frightened the life out of me.
Without thinking too much I snatched the pillow from my bed and threw it at Koschei's face.
I don't know what I had been thinking back then.
But it scared me. And all I wanted was this mad smirk to disappear.
Koschei picked up the cushion after it had hit his face. He was still smiling; there was no use in using physical violence against Koschei.
He hardly seemed to notice it. And he never cared about it.
I remembered my mother hitting him with a book over the head once. Koschei pretended as if nothing had happened. Though he had given my mother a death glare; but that wasn't something unusual for Koschei.
He had simply denied the fact that someone had tried to chasten him.
I experienced it myself like this:
If someone gives you the strap you either try to avoid similar situations because you haven't understood why you had been punished; therefore you're frightened; Or you're try to be on your best behaviour afterwards because you know that you've done something wrong; therefore you're feeling ashamed.
It'd never worked on Koschei t because he was neither embarrassed nor frightened.
Ever.
He was just mad.
He saw the world through mad eyes; he was concerned about everything around him but had a wrecked and twisted mind, thus forbidding him to get a grip on reality. Or even catch a glimpse of it one day...
Koschei arose and pulled me out of my bed and with him.
"You would be a lot more useful if you stayed in bed" Koschei went on. He must have forgotten about me hitting him with a pillow; or he simply didn't care about it at all.
"Not only for me I guess" he went on after I've given him nothing but a blank stare and had refused to get dragged out into the corridor.
"Are you done?" I asked as politely as possible and folded my arms. Koschei popped his head to one side. "Look, Koschei" I tried to explain "I don't know what you're talking about. And I'm getting the feeling that I don't even want to know."
Koschei smiled and shrugged.
"I mean, there's no sense in asking you, what you're meaning by that" I went on "You know that I'd never ask you because you couldn't explain it. And even if you were able to get your twisted thoughts out of your twisted mind it wouldn't make any difference because I wouldn't understand them nonetheless!"
I took a step backwards and gasped; I had pressed my hand against my lips.
I've never had a problem holding my tongue. I'd never spoken what I'd thought. Till now.
I had insulted Koschei.
And I didn't even know why.
And I couldn't even imagine what he was going to do to me now.
But Koschei did nothing.
He just stood there and adjusted his neck; he seemed as tensed up as I was.
Tensed up. That must have been it. I was only braced and therefore a bit on edge.
I wasn't aggressive towards Koschei.
I wouldn't have known why.
I was too ignorant to realize that there had been innumerable reasons for hating him...
"It's up to you" Koschei replied after a moment of silence "it's like you want it to be."
I rolled my eyes and sighed. It was of no use to talk to Koschei; not when he wasn't master over his mental faculties. But he'd never be in control of his senses, I assumed.
My eyes focused on the door.
"It's alright for me if you want to leave. But I don't understand why you want me to be beside you all the time. And I think you've got a room on your own."
"Couldn't think of any witty remarks, couldn't you?" asked Koschei and sighed.
I didn't reply. He knew how I felt. He knew what I felt; he knew what I thought. There was no sense in trying to hide anything from Koschei.
"Just leave me alone, if you please..." I mumbled and intensified the grip on my own elbows.
"You know, Theta" Koschei chuckled "that's your biggest weakness. You try to understand things. You want to understand things instead of letting them be what they are. And your biggest weakness is your weak spot. Therefore your mind's your weak spot."
"Yeah, well, you know, I don't think you're in a position to talk about other people's minds" I snapped.
"But you think you are?" asked Koschei bluntly. I stared at my feet.
He was driving me mad.
"Who granted you the privilege to grant other's with distain?" asked Koschei "What makes you think that you're in a position to talk?"
I stood there, right in front of him and stared at him furiously.
And I didn't think.
I guess for the first time in my life I didn't think before doing something.
I flung the door open and pushed Koschei out of my room before slamming the door into his face.
I would have yelled at him through the closed door, but I couldn't think of anything to say to him.
I couldn't think of anything at all.
I locked the door and started crying, smashing my knuckles against the door several times while weeping and sobbing. I collapsed onto the floor and leaned my head against the door.
I could feel Koschei's presence on the other side.
I knew that he was still there.
And he must have been as irritated as I was.