Koschei's words got stuck in my head for some reason.
My legs had been important. Especially to my father; Koschei was right about that and yet he didn't even know. But how? How did he figure it out?
I had caught a glimpse of Koschei who was by now resting on my bed out of the corner of my eyes. I stood by the window and watched the bald trees turning fiery red in the fading light of the dusk.
It was a strange feeling thinking about your own legs all the time.
But I definitely couldn't get my head around it.
Maybe it had something to do with my inner urge to run from everything. If my father had wanted to stop me from running...
I sighed.
I just wouldn't understand it.
"Your father didn't mind" mumbled Koschei in my bed and sat up "He knew that it was alright this way."
I raised my eyebrows and gave him an irritated look.
"He knew you'd be running, always running. From everything" Koschei went on and faced me, adding with a smile on his face "Everything apart from me."
"What are you talking about?" I mumbled barely audible and turned my head aside.
As if he knew what I was thinking. As if he was somewhere inside of my head, reading my thoughts and probably tearing them apart like the books in my room...
"I know what you're thinking" stated Koschei baldly. I searched the skies wistfully.
"The stars will rise even for you, Theta; try to be patient" added Koschei with a smirk and arose from the bed. He must have been standing right behind me. I could feel his closeness. He was coming closer. Always coming closer...
I hissed and tried to get rid of the bad thoughts, which had awoken again, by shaking my head. Koschei sighed behind me, his hot breath moistening my neck.
He touched my hands from behind and I flinched.
"It's easier to find a way into a mind as long as the life form it belongs to is still in its early years" whispered Koschei, grabbing me by the wrists and pulling my arms backwards.
"So you've gained access to my mind" I mumbled while my eyes were still searching for the stars.
Koschei took a step forward and intensified his grip. I gasped and closed my eyes.
Danger and childhood memories.
Koschei smelled of fear and despair. And yet it was soothing to sense his presence.
"You let yourself get infiltrated" explained Koschei; I moved towards the window with Koschei who guided my steps by pushing my feet forward "You invited me."
I had to chuckle. "I never invited you in" I replied "But I sure invited you out."
"You invited me by not stopping me from entering" added Koschei "You were smart. You were very intelligent as a child. You felt me invading your thoughts, you sensed my presence closer than ever before; and yet you did nothing. You wouldn't stop me. You wouldn't keep me from being inside your head. And that's what I've always been since we had started to grow up: inside of you, Theta."
I felt my closed eyes twitching.
Koschei's words sounded disgusting. His childish naivety had something unrestrained and self-indulgent about it.
Koschei's mad child's mind was trapped in the well built body of a young adult. And yet he seemed to be as far away from adulthood as he was from inner peace.
"And somehow it unnerves you" added Koschei a bit quieter; his chest was pressed against my back, his heart's rhythms were increasing. "I couldn't say that you haven't changed, Theta... though I'd prefer the term "evolve". Change means alteration. Evolving means unfolding and unfurling. I'd say you're growing, Theta." I felt his piercing glare on my backside. He sniggered. "Only on the inside, of course. I don't think you're still growing physically." I shrugged; Koschei rested his head on my shoulder, pressing his temple against mine.
"I can't read all of your thoughts" sighed Koschei "and by the way that's what I meant by evolving. If you'd changed you wouldn't have manage to stay like you were. Therefore you've evolved to stay who you are. You grant that?"
"As long as you're not fiddling with my thoughts it's alright for me that you stay in my mind" I mumbled and nudged Koschei's face with mine. I could feel him smiling skin on skin.
"Some thoughts are unreadable to me" Koschei went on and ignored my comment "some are incomprehensible. I just don't understand them. But maybe that's what I'm lacking: understanding. I know you, Theta; I don't know anything like I know you."
"Anybody" I snapped.
Koschei had skipped my second remark as well "But I never managed to understand you. I can get my head into yours, but it seems that I can't get my head around yours. Some thoughts are a mystery to me. But you know: I've never tried to understand things."
"Yes Koschei, you did" I contradicted him "Some things had to be understood; you had to spot weaknesses or locate the softness of certain things before you could destroy them." "You can destroy anything without understanding" replied Koschei.
"But it's the high art of destroying things properly that requires knowledge and understanding" he added after giving it some thought. "So, are we going?"
"Where should we be going?" I asked.
"Onto the roof" replied Koschei and tried to push me on the windowsill while I opened my eyes.
"We're not allowed to leave our rooms" I said hurriedly and tried to free myself from Koschei's grip "Which means that you should be in your room, actually."
"No, we're not allowed to leave our rooms; that's what they've told us" replied Koschei and managed to fixate me with my hands pressed on my back "but in that case it's alright if I stay here if it is our room." "But it isn't" I hissed and struggled to free my arms.
Koschei sighed; he became more and more impatient when I offered resistance. Eventually he pushed me off the windowsill and climbed out of my window.
"See you up there" he'd shouted after he'd vanished "Just take your time."
I followed Koschei uneasily and with caution.
I knew t hat he wasn't worried about falling off the roof; partially because he was looking for excitement; most of all because he was mad.
I reached the even spot beside the chimney and leaned against it while taking a deep breath. Then I looked around for Koschei.
"You're not scared of falling off, are you?"
Out of the corner of my eyes I saw Koschei sitting near the eaves gutter.
"You're not because you're mad!" I yelled at him and bended my knees.
"I really think you should join me here" answered Koschei and turned around; he reached for my hand and tried to pull me with him. I struggled against him but lastly Koschei overpowered me and dragged me with him, moving slowly towards the edge of the roof.
"Don't you want to know what it's like to feel absolutely no ground under your feet?" he asked.
"You can't run when you're feet aren't touching the ground" I replied bluntly and closed my eyes.
Or when you're legs are up in the air...
I hissed and clenched my fists.
Those bloody words had been drummed into my head. My father's goddamn words! And now they'd started to change.
No more "Close your legs."
It was useless nonetheless; I had already disobeyed and let down my father by letting my legs get separated by Koschei and letting him come between them.
But the words of my father kept changing; it seemed as if they got mixed up in my head, confusing themselves with the prophetic words.
Thy legs shall not be closed.
Over and over again.
Thy legs shall not be closed.
As if someone tried to break my spirit by turning my head inside out.
Or if I was going mad. Like Koschei.
I turned my head towards him and eyed him up mindfully.
As if he had managed to change my father's words...