Koschei had loved observing the stars, nearly as much as I did. We'd both been intrigued by the stars, always. I guess they were a symbol for freedom; well, at least they were to me.
I never knew what Koschei thought of things. And it was best not to ask.
Night after night Koschei sneaked out of my room and dragged me behind him. He knew secret passages and he had found a rat run which led into the fallow land that environed the academy.
We could watch the stars together; we could steal away during the nights. Koschei was slightly thrilled by knowing that we could get caught and would definitely be punished for disobeying the house rules, but only slightly; there was no torture anywhere in the universe that would have scared him; I'd always imagined the most horrific atrocity to be him.
I didn't care for breaking the rules as long as I knew that I could watch the stars with Koschei.
It would have been sufficient enough to watch them on my own, I knew. But it was better doing so while being accompanied.
I felt like a child again. After all those years, the frightfully boring days and the terrible nights I felt like a child.
Unobserved, unconcerned and unheeding.
I was ignorant. And I was selfish.
I preferred disobeying my father by not tying my legs together because I gave priority to running around at night and watching the stars.
And I looked at them with different eyes.
I sat beside Koschei in the cool and wet grass, staring at the solar systems and glimmering planets. He laid an arm around my twitching shoulders; I was freezing but wouldn't even waste a though on returning just because of that.
It was too beautiful. The stars were too fascinating and captivating which left me no choice but to stay beside Koschei.
And we talked.
All we did was talking.
Koschei would explain how the solar systems had moved, how the constellations had changed; he'd tell me about solar flares and red giants; he'd tell me how the picture of the Dioacutoouri Miassotoeru Nebula has changed over the past years due to the variable stars.
And I sat beside him and listened, leaning my head against his shoulder.
He was warm. And there was something in his voice that soothed me and gave me comfort.
And it was perfectly alright. After those stressful weeks... one night, one night beside Koschei, with the Koschei I used to know and love and it was all gone. Back to normal; as always.
With Koschei it was always normal. I guess being different meant "normal" to him.
It was just the way he reacted, the way he thought and the way he simply was.
Everything about him was soothing and somehow disturbing at the same time.
But just like you're impatient as a child to see things that you know will scare you, I was impatient to be with Koschei. Somewhere, deep down, hidden underneath the never-ending love and respect for him, I knew that he was going to scare me.
I knew that he was going to hurt me.
He'd always hurt me.
But maybe that was what Koschei had been talking about.
You can't love anybody without hurting them.
And it would be too good to be true that it would be limited to partner relationships only.
No; you hurt everybody, even if you cared for them slightly only.
You were doomed to hurt others by actions or words.
And with Koschei it was either or both. But he was definitely going to hurt me.
"And you see the Dioacutoouri Miassotoeru Nebula is now dominated by variable stars which vary widely in size. The first ones have started to appear over the past few months; and it seems as if there's still more to come."
I nodded quietly and stared at the sky, my head was now resting on Koschei's shoulder. I envied him for being able to stay warm over such a long time. It was a chilly night and colourless clouds covered the darkening sky; the stars gleamed through the arising mist.
I shivered and stared at the small swirling cloud of breath which emerged from my mouth as I breathed out and sighed. I rubbed my shoulders with freezing fingers and snogged Koschei beside me.
"...and you could say that the Dioacutoouri Miassotoeru Nebula is in its prime of life, though many claim that it's actually abloom or bursts into bloom due to the colourful stardust which will take shape throughout the next weeks and I really think we should be going if you're not paying attention because you're freezing and I'm definitely not going to wait until you're blasted." Koschei sighed and removed his hand from my shoulders. I moved closer once more. "You're too cold" mumbled Koschei and arose. "No, you're too warm" I contradicted him and stood up, brushing the wet grass off my legs "It's not normal to stay warm during a chilly night." "For me it is" replied Koschei and pulled me after him, stepping carefully between the bales of hay and staying out of reach of the trees. He tried to avoid the trees as long as he was accompanied by me. Koschei himself wasn't scared of the trees; he enjoyed climbing and resting in their leaves' shadows at their branches during hot summer days. But he wouldn't endanger me by getting too close to them.
I often wondered if the trees were mad themselves. Or if they were simply attracted to madness. Either way, I wouldn't come near them.
Koschei pulled on my wrist impatiently while I was having trouble keeping up with him.
I struggled for air and freed my hand finally from his grip, panting and resting my hands on my knees.
"Koschei, I'm tired" I replied while he eyed me up with expectant eyes; I watched the clouds of breath ascending from my lips "why are you in such a hurry? If they find us, they'll find us nonetheless. There's no sense in running."
"My point exactly" mumbled Koschei and squatted down beside me, stroking the grass and rubbing it with his fingers "there is no sense. I just felt like running." He looked up to me and smiled; I tried to control my breathing. "Usually it's what you keep doing. Always running around, never stopping, running and fleeing."
"It's not fleeing" I disagreed "It's got nothing to do with fleeing. I have too much energy; I'm in high spirits or whatever you prefer to call it..." "Psyched" added Koschei and smiled, popping his head to one side. "As you wish" I proceeded "Then I'm psyched. Call it what you want. The point is: I'm not fleeing and I'm not escaping. I like running and that's that."
Koschei smirked and chuckled as he ran his fingers through the grass.
"You and you're No Reason things" I hissed and pulled myself back into an upright position again "I swear to you, Koschei, someday I'm going to be as mad as you are if you don't stop those stupid No Reason things."
"Oh, you're not mad, Theta" replied Koschei and arose quietly. He moved smoothly in the darks, his hands caressed my temples why I hadn't even seen them coming "you're not mad. You're just a little bit confused." He pressed his forehead against mine as if he was able to read my mind while doing so. I tried to look into his bright glistening eyes without panicking. Koschei smirked and raised his head again. "And a bit unsettled, aren't you?" he asked chuckling. Then he pressed both hands against my chest and pushed me away, causing me to fall on my back.
Koschei adjusted himself over me in a kneeling position; his hands rested on my chest again, his palms were searching and pressed against my racing hearts.
He smirked.
I grabbed his arms and pulled on them helplessly, trying to get his hands off my body.
"Koschei" I hissed between my gritted teeth "What are you doing?"
I got more and more uneasy and writhed under his strong arms.
"Koschei?!" I repeated desperately and kicked the air while being unable to get a hold of him.
"Hold still" he mumbled coldly and rested his palms on my shoulders, staring me in the eye deeply.
"Koschei what are you doing?" I didn't give in as fast as Koschei was used to. And I was surprised at myself that I didn't comply after I'd received his first command. But somehow I was in a mood to fight.
Though I knew that I could never win against Koschei. I'd always loose.
Koschei didn't reply. He looked me over in a strange way and his amber-coloured eyes were flickering in a way that scared me. His stare was terrible.
"Koschei, what are you doing?" I repeated uneasy and tried to kick him in the groin.
Koschei chuckled and intensified his grip on my shoulders, making me cry out in pain.
"Koschei, you're hurting me" I yelped and wrestled against him.
"I told you to hold still" replied Koschei and chuckled again.
"It's cold" I whispered helplessly and searched his gaze.
Koschei smiled down at me, struggling to get me into the right position for him.
"Don't worry I'll warm you" he kissed my temples and rubbed his face against mine.
I shook my head and kept him thereby from snuggling against me.
I bristled with anger.
Koschei wouldn't give in. And even if he wanted nothing from me but to succeed.
He wanted me to obey.
He wanted me to back down and be obedient.
He wouldn't allow me to contradict him.
It was the same.
The same way he had tended to wrestle me down while we had been children.
Koschei overpowered me the same way he had always done it. He knew me too well. He knew how I was brought to heel. Nothing had changed.
We were still like children.
I gritted my teeth and panted.
No. We weren't exactly the same. Koschei was probably a lot more sensible concerning the vulnerable spot between his legs.
I gave it a try.
Koschei flinched as I managed to hurt him on the inner thighs.
He growled and spat beside my head in anger. He narrowed his eyes as and the flames in his widened pupils started to dance around in excitement.
"You don't even want to know what I'm gonna do to you."
Koschei's words scared me to death. I lay beneath him in shocked silence and stared speechless into his abysmal eyes. Koschei wasn't smiling. He showed no facial expression; for the first time in my life I saw Koschei without his typical, annoying, senseless smile.
I gasped in horror and pressed my hands down onto the ground, pushing my body away from the wet grass, as if I attempted to escape from underneath him by crawling away cautiously.
Koschei forced one of his knees between my legs and separated them by pressing his knee down determined. I moaned in pain and grasped his wrists tightly with shaking hands. Tears welled up in my eyes.
He'd hurt me.
I knew that he was going to hurt me, right here, right now.
And it was going to be worse than ever before.