Warning: really dark chapter ahead. And sad in the end, too.

No.
There was no chance of escaping.

I had let him stay by my side. I had never dared to contradict him or obstruct Koschei's view on my legs.

I hadn't struggled against him when he had started rubbing apples against my thighs.

I simply let it happen.

There was no stopping Koschei, not here, not right now.

And it was my own fault.

Fault.

I was no mistake. My mother had used to call me her little mistake, but she was wrong about that. I was no mistake; I was a fault.

You're a mistake when you're careless and, at the most, grossly negligent.

You're a fault when you're to blame.

I blamed myself for getting harassed by Koschei because I had never struggled against him.

I was to blame for the things he'd done to me, the way he had treated me because I hadn't offered resistance. I had never snubbed him, I hadn't tried to stop Koschei – I had simply succumbed.

And I blamed myself for letting it happen; I invited Koschei in to my brain by not keeping him out.

And now he was about to do the same thing with my body...

I closed my eyes and stroked Koschei's back.

It would be less painful if I didn't dare to struggle against it, I guessed.

Tears were welling up in my eyes as I started sobbing quietly.

My life was a fault. And it had been my own fault.

Koschei groaned into my ear and bit down on my neck, kissing me and working his way across my skin in a rather painful way.

He chuckled.

"What's so funny?" I whispered barely audible while staring at the sky, ignoring and forgetting about my pawed-at body.

Thy legs shall not be closed.

I lifted my head and stared around.

Thy legs shall never be closed, Theta.

My father's voice inside of my head, reciting the wrong words over and over again.

Koschei above me chuckled.

"Remember what your father told you" he snickered "you wouldn't want to disappoint your father, would you?"

"Koschei, stop that" I hissed and stared at him furiously "what are you doing?"

"Putting things in order" replied Koschei and pressed his hands down on my chest, rubbing his crotch against mine "the proper order."

"That's not the proper order" I grunted and struggled for air as Koschei increased the pressure on my ribs while he leaned forward to kiss me.

"For me it is" chuckled Koschei and licked my cheeks.

I felt my heart rates increasing, my hearts were pounding in my chest, they were pounding against my chest as if they were aiming at Koschei, if they wanted to get him off me.

"Stop it Koschei, that's not funny!" I replied hastily and struggled to remember my father's words, my father's real and proper words "I mean it!"

Koschei enjoyed my desperation.

"I love to see you beg" he whispered quietly and snuggled against me.

"I'm not begging you" I hissed and breathed rapidly, Koschei moved his hands against my chest, pressing them down rhythmically. I panted and struggled for air. "I mean it, Koschei!"
Koschei wanted to hear me moan. And he'd probably enjoy it even more if I'd scream.
Koschei struggled for control. He wanted control over my body. Over my mind.

Over me.

I closed my eyes and winced.
And it was my fault, my own fault.
I was a fault. I was a failure.

Thy legs shall not be closed.

Koschei above me chuckled again and removed my garment.

No, Theta, don't close your legs for me.

I flinched. It was still my father's voice. My father's voice reciting the wrong words. Koschei was fiddling with my thoughts, turning my memory upside down and inside out, he was working on adjusting my mind to his special demands, drilling through my remembrance and tearing it apart, ripping it into pieces and, if he felt like doing so, reassembling them incorrectly.

If he'd get to change my memory, my thoughts, my father's words...

If I can't remember...

I gasped for air as Koschei moved closer, I felt his hot legs between mine, pushing them apart predatory and in a very painful way.

I yelped and felt tears burning in my eyes.

Spread your legs for me, Theta. Come on, spread them for me. Thy legs shall not be closed, Theta. Spread your legs for me and never closed them again.
My sweet innocent little Theta...

I grabbed Koschei's hands and squeezed them as hard as I could.
"Koschei, get out of my head" I hissed between my gritted teeth and managed to get his hands off my chest. "If I've invited you in then I can surely invite you out."

Spread your legs, Theta.
Put them in the air at night.
Spread your thighs apart for me Theta and let me come near you.

Let me come between your legs Theta.

You've got such beautiful legs, Theta. Such beautiful, tempting legs.

Spread your legs, Theta. Spread your legs for me.

I shook my head and bit my lower lip to stop myself from crying.

"Koschei get out!" I screamed and struck out wildly at his chest, I meant to hit him somewhere where it hurt, somewhere where I could hurt him as much as he hurt me.

"Koschei, get out of my head! Stop that! I mean it, Koschei, I mean it! Get out of there!"

Koschei managed to cover my mouth with his hands and didn't mind me flailing at him.

Though I guess I annoyed him by screaming with a covered mouth and shaking my head like mad. So, eventually Koschei let out a deep sigh and stopped locking my thighs against mine and got into a kneeling position. Even though he was still between my legs I managed to close them at least a bit more and panted rapidly before launching an anew attack at him.

Koschei cocked an eyebrow at me and kicked me in the groin with one of his knees.

I pressed my hands against my crotch and moaned aloud, though due to Koschei's hands all that escaped my sealed lips was a muffled cry. My pointless attempts to roll to one side with Koschei still between my legs seemed to annoy him.

"Theta?"

Koschei pulled his fingers away from my face cautiously and removed his hands slowly.

I maintained eye contact and bit down on his hand, burying my teeth in Koschei's fingers.

Koschei didn't even wince; though he started caressing my head with his free hand while not making any effort to cast off his other hand from my mouth.

"Theta" he repeated quietly and leaned forward, pressing his forehead against mine. I narrowed my eyes. I snarled at him furiously and bit down harder on his hand.

Koschei shook his head and looked at me compassionately before moving his face across mine. He pressed his lips against my ear and whispered in my ear, giving it the impression of how it would sound like if his voice was already in my head.

"This is only a game. This is only a game, Theta."

I spat out his hand and snarled again.

"No, this isn't a game, Koschei! I mean it! I'm deadly serious."

"Seriousness does not become you, Theta" chuckled Koschei and grasped my hands, pressing them down on my pelvis. He chuckled. "Come play with me."

"Koschei, you're mad!" I yelled at him.

"Don't you feign ignorance, Theta" Koschei shook his head and smiled at me rather discontent "you know that I'm mad. You knew it all the time."

"Yes, but I didn't know how mad you were!" I replied "Koschei, let me go!"

Koschei smirked. "You don't want me to let go off you" explained Koschei "And don't you dare contradict me. I don't like it when you're lying. And I know what you're thinking." He popped his head to one side as small flames seemed to burst out of his glistening eyes. "Poor little innocent Theta" he smiled wide-eyed "He's scared. So scared of me. But he wants me to be with him. He'd known me all these years and yet he never even knew that he could be scared of me. Or how scared he could be of me."
"Koschei enough!" I interrupted him but he simply pressed one of his fingers against my lips. "Theta never wants to play games. Well, he thinks he never wants to play games; but he wants to; he wants to play with me; but his father doesn't want him to play with me; no, his father gets angry when we play together..." Koschei reached for my groin and stroked it carefully. I flinched but I didn't manage to kick at him.

"No, Theta's father is really angry when I play with him; because he's so worried. He worries about poor sweet innocent Theta all the time; because he's so ignorant and trusting... and delicate..."

You've got such delicate legs, Theta. Let me come between your delicate legs.

I froze in shocked silence after hearing Koschei's voice inside of my head. I stared at him starry-eyed and opened my mouth- still I was unable to reply.

"Play with me, Theta" replied Koschei "after all those years let me play with you. We'll play the games you'd always wanted to play, the games your father was afraid of..." Koschei smirked and palpated my crotch and my thighs before thrusting his groin at mine over and over again.

"Come play with me."

"Koschei..." I struggled to find my voice again "Koschei this isn't a game! You can't be... your voice... you're talking..."

"Would you prefer it if I'd talk in your father's voice then?" asked Koschei innocently and stroked my pelvic area. "But I don't think that sounds right, Theta... your father asking you to let him come between your legs..."
My stomach turned into a knot and I was glad that I hadn't been able to eat anything for two days otherwise I would have thrown up instantly.

"Koschei you're disgusting" I hissed and spate beside me.

"And you're not very playful" sighed Koschei.

But you could be, Theta. We could play together, all the time.

Let me play with you, Theta.

You'll never be scared; you'll never be alone - ever again.

"Koschei, that's not funny!" I gasped for air and pressed my hands against my temples "Stop doing that!"

"Theta, we can play together... we can play the way you wanted me to play with you... you'll never be scared ever again. And I want this night to be special to you. You'll never forget this night, Theta."

"I'll take your word for that" I mumbled and met his gaze.

Koschei's amber coloured eyes were burning with an indelible fire, fed by reality from the void itself. It was taking control over him.
The void controlled his mind. And as long as our minds were fused together, as long as he gained access to my mind...

"Theta, you're struggling. You're trying to defend yourself against me." He kissed my cheeks. "No use resisting. You'll give in, sooner or later. And you know it. We've had that before."

"Koschei, get out of me head" I tried to yell at him but he placed his hands across my face. I felt tears welling up in my eyes again as I struggled to free my mouth in order to scream at him.

"I mean it! Koschei get out of my head! I don't want to see it! I've seen it before! Get out! I don't want to see it, to hear it, to..." "After all these years"

Koschei cut me off "and still you're afraid of the void."

I sniffed. Koschei was right. I couldn't fight him.

"Koschei, I mean it..." I sobbed and suppressed the tears by biting my lower lip. I cried quietly, lying underneath my friend, my best friend, the friend I had loved, the friend who was closer to me than any brother ever could have been.

And yet I was scared to death of him.

"Please Koschei" I was begging him "please, don't... I don't want you inside of my head..."

"Neither do you want me inside of your body..." added Koschei and sighed. He sat up and rested his elbows on my chest. His eyes were darkening again.

"What to do...?" he asked quietly "But I want to play with you, Theta. I've always wanted to play with you, all these years. And it seems like the right time. I guess you can bear it... No, I know that you can bear my body, bear my feelings... you can bear me, Theta. You're strong. You can bear it, all of it."

"Koschei what are you talking about?" I sobbed. He was not only mad. Now it seemed as if he made me lose my grip on reality as well.

"I want to play with you, Theta" repeated Koschei and breathed in deeply. He started touching the lower part of my body and moved his eager fingers across my naked skin "and we could have had so much fun."

"Koschei, I don't want you to be inside of my head" I stated quietly and grasped his hands. His pupils became smaller, revealing more of the glistening amber of his eyes.

"You can either accept the void or run from it; and it's the same with me. It's sink or swim. It's your choice, Theta" explained Koschei in a low voice.

"I've made that choice before" I replied.

"Life is about choosing" added Koschei and stared into the sky "it's all about choosing and making decisions. You can't decide if you should resign to your fate or run from me for the rest of your life. And I can't decide whether or not I want you to lie here, develop a urinary tract infection and pee blood for the next few weeks."

Koschei had stopped smirking and searched my gaze with wide open eyes, as if the void stared back at him out of my skull.

"Either way it's your choice, Theta" Koschei went on "Sink or swim. Resign or run. Chose Theta; chose wisely."

I shook my head and sniffed.

"I don't know what you're talking about" I whispered barely audible.

"Sink or swim, Theta" Koschei repeated "Resign or run. Mind or Body. It's up to you. Body or Mind. Either way you chose I get to play with you."

I sobbed and wiped my face.

"What options do I have?" I tried to compose myself and breathed in deeply. I shut my eyes tightly to keep the tears from escaping.

"Mind or Body" repeated Koschei "either your body or your mind. You can push me out of your mind Theta; but then I'll push myself into your body. Or you'll keep me from entering your body; then I'll enter by your mind. If you close your body I'll enter by mind." Koschei smirked. "Oh, there are so many ways to get inside you, Theta. And you don't know which way is the worst. But you have to choose nonetheless. One word and it's over."
"You'll stop infiltrating my mind?" I asked uneasy and shifted under Koschei's heavy body. "If you choose, I will" replied Koschei and nodded his consent.
"And if I say 'Body'?" I went on. My voice was trembling with fear.
"Then I'll spare your body and have your mind instead."

"Body or Mind?" I repeated and wiped the tears of my cheeks. "Mind or Body" added Koschei and positioned himself between my legs "Choose wisely, Theta."

I didn't think.

I didn't search my mind for the right answer.

Koschei had made it clear.

Body or Mind. I couldn't have both. I had let myself get infiltrated by him and now I had to pay the price for being and ignorant and innocent child.

I wouldn't think.

I just chose.

I didn't spare a thought for the consequences.

I wouldn't think, getting lost in my thoughts while lying on the cold grass and freezing to death.

I chose.

It was no game.

I didn't weigh up the opportunities.

It was a gut reaction, nothing more.

I didn't play at fate.

I wouldn't play Koschei's little game.

But in the end I lost.
Even though it was no game I lost.

Seconds had passed and I was lying on my back, my legs resting on Koschei shoulders and he penetrated my weak body ruthlessly after he'd hear me whispering "Mind."

I had chosen my mind over my body.

I had chosen to stay who I was before staying the way I had been.

I winced and my hands rested beside my thighs, the thighs Koschei had adored for so long. The thighs Koschei had wanted to get between all his life.
I guess I was exaggerating back then. I don't think he had wanted to get between my legs all his life. He simply had wanted to do so as soon as he'd met me and he'd started to grow up.

Koschei sapped my energy just by letting me chose and making me stare into the void.

My body had been weakened.

I didn't contribute. I didn't join in.

I simply let it happen. As always I simply let it happen to me.

I accorded him my body.

My head rested on the cool and wet grass. Small beads of sweat had bedabbled by forehead.

Koschei moaned loud and pushed into my body unrestrained.

Body or Mind.

I had made my choice. I had made my decision.

His body belonged to him now.

He could do whatever he'd wanted to me.

He could get deeper than ever before; he could bestride me; he could hurt me unintentionally or not – I wouldn't try to stop him.

I even tried to keep myself from wincing every time he'd hurt me deep inside.

And it was so much more enjoyable for him.

"It's sad, Theta" moaned Koschei and pressed his hot and sweaty chest against mine in order to warm me "We could have had so much fun. We could have played properly. I really could have fucked with your brain and I guess I'd favoured it." He had to chuckle.

I nodded. Well, actually I didn't nod but my head moved as Koschei pushed in and out of me restlessly with increasing speed.

"But in the end it doesn't matter" explained Koschei and groaned.

I felt his body warming mine from the inside and stared Koschei in the face starry-eyed.

He panted and I felt the indication of my shame dripping out of my hurt body.

As Koschei shifted between my legs I reached down to find that my thighs had been moistened. My fingers were sprinkled and I rubbed them against each other before smelling at the viscous fluid. It was blood mixed with...

"After all you're my toy" Koschei let out a deep sigh and dressed himself while I sat up slowly and started searching for my clothes. Koschei held them in his hand and handed them to me as soon as he'd stopped enjoying watching me searching for them.

Koschei dressed me. I could hardly move. I was weak. I was lifeless and motionless and my energy had been drained.

Koschei hugged me. He wrapped his arms around my back and pressed my skinny body against his own.

"You're my toy" he whispered in my ear "my push- and pull-along toy."

As tears welled up in my eyes I finally gave in.

I stopped thinking and let myself get pulled back towards the academy by Koschei.

I didn't resist.

I was his.

His toy.

And he could push and pull out of me as often as he'd wanted to.

But back then I was too stubborn to accept it.

I was too hurt.

I was too weak.

My mind had given in as well as my body.

The only thing I can still remember from that night is standing in front of the academy and turning my back on it.

I had stared into the sky. I had searched it helplessly and had started crying silently as Koschei had intensified his grip on my hand.

I was his.

I belonged to him.

Whether I wanted it or not.

I had sniffed and rubbed my eyes in order to chase away the tears.

And I had said the first words which had come to my mind.

"I really miss the stars."

I know: sad moment to end it for today! But I just couldn't write any more.
But don't worry. Theta will get over it.He'll find comfort in the next chapter.
And thanks to Mabudachi-Trio and Lastsyns for the reviews.
Sorry that I had to stop there for today. But its a really long chapter. I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless (IF you can enjoy that...)