A/N: Apologies in advance for the lack of finesse with this one. I tried to pull a flashfic or drabble-length section out of a longer one-shot that I'm still working on based on this prompt . Hopefully, this still conveys a coherent story. ;)

Players: Bella/Jacob, Leah, Embry, Quil, Newt the Dog

Rating: M, for language

Genre: humor/friendship

Prompt: SpongeBob misquote meme that I provided to meliz875 to give her muse a kick in the teeth that she turned around and used as the drabble prompt on Tricky Raven for week #13: "I came here to fuck bitches." (Seriously, you HAVE to go over to Tricky Raven and see the picture of this prompt!)

Newt-ered

Leah smacked the stray dog Jake brought home on the nose with a newspaper, "So help me gods, you sniff my crotch one more time, Newt, and I will take you to get you neutered myself."

Bella walked into the kitchen, halting abruptly in the doorway with a stack of hand towels, "What? What the fuck is that? What is that thing?"

Leah cast about for an answer as the dog sniffed Bella's ass more thoroughly than either Jake, Quil or Paul had ever dared, letting out a sigh of contentment as he rubbed against her leg, making Jake growl and lift his lip in warning.

"Uhh … a dog?" Leah tried not to make it sound like a question.

"You called it Newt," Bella observed.

Embry and Quil snickered. Jake wised up and tried to sneak out the back door.

Bella noticed her mate trying to escape without an explanation and demanded, hands on hips, "Hold it right the fuck there, Jacob Black. You don't get to just waltz in here with a freakin' stray from god-knows-where and drop it off without so much as a 'honey, I got a damn dog'. Where did that thing come from? And what is it?"

Jake froze-a deer in headlights-refusing to look Bella in the eye, "Uh, Seth found it?"

She crossed her arms under her breasts, just over the gentle swell of his pup under her apron. His heart melted a little and his eyes unfocused as he got lost in fantasies of cuddling with Bella in bed on a lazy Saturday morning sometime next year, cradling her and their pup while she nursed him and they watched old cartoons on the TV in their bedroom.

"Jacob, I asked you a question and you answered with a question. What are you not telling me?"

He shook his head and the fantasy dissolved for the moment as he tried to use his supposedly superior Alpha intelligence to avoid telling Bella the truth about the ... dog, "It's … uhh … a stray that Seth found ... wandering on the beach. Looks like a Labrador or a Golden Retriever."

"Nah, that's a Goberian," Quil gigglesnorted.

Bella narrowed her eyes at him suspiciously, "What the hell is a Goberian?!"

"You see, Bells, you get a Golden Retriever to fuck a Siberian Husky-"

"Quil!" Jake roared.

"What?" Quil's face smoothed to a bland blankness in mock innocence.

"There are … ladies present," Jake said peevishly, scuffing his foot against the nick in the linoleum.

Quil snorted again, muttering under his breath to Embry, "'Ladies', my ass. Those two swear more than the rest of the pack combined."

"Besides, it's clearly not a Goberian," Embry chimed in helpfully.

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Jake collapsed in a chair, rubbing a hand over his face in resignation.

"Well? What is it?" Bella demanded.

"It's a Goldendoodle," Embry said certainly. "You can tell because it's a male dog that looks like it has an ugly, shaggy perm. Might as well be a chick. No balls!" Embry grinned.

"No balls!" Quil called out in response, doubled over laughing and clutching his stomach.

Bella was baffled and becoming angrier by the second. She hissed at Jake and his idiotic back-up singers, "You're lying about something. I don't know what it is, but I will find out and there will be hell to pay."

She shooed the dog away from her leg where he was unashamedly rubbing himself in a bid to get on her good side.

Waving at Jake to come corral the Doodlerian or whatever the hell it was, she insisted, "Get it out of my kitchen. You don't have to take it to the pound, but it can't stay here. I've got enough dogs coming and going at all hours of the day and night. Find somebody here on the rez to take it, but make it clear he needs to have his shots and be de-wormed and flea-dipped, too, just to be safe. And for god's sake, get him fixed if he's not already. The last thing we need is that thing running around, humping everything that catches his eye and leaving us with dozens of puppies to deal with."

All three men winced, but eventually Quil and Embry snickered, trying not to catch Bella's attention, whispering to each other like twelve year olds trying to hide a porno mag at her dinner table.

Jake got down to eye-level with the dog, "Sorry, dude. She runs the show. No balls for you." He stood up, "Let's go do this before … ahh … well, we shouldn't waste time." He winked at Leah and she tried not to laugh out loud.

The dog whined and tried to hide behind Bella.

She rolled her eyes, admonishing her mate, "Oh, honestly, you're scaring him." She patted his head in a soothing gesture meant to comfort as she said words that sent a shiver down the dog's spine, "It'll be fine. You'll go to sleep and when you wake up, it'll all be over. You can screw all the hot, stray bitches you want."

His eyes widened in fear as he backed away from her, turning and scrambling across the linoleum, claws scrabbling and clacking, making a break for the door as Jake, Embry, and Quil tore off after him, laughing their asses off, "Aw, come on, pup! You heard Bella-you'll get to fuck all the bitches!"

"So ... what did he do to piss off Old Quil?"

Leah started at Bella's question, unsure how to answer without selling out her Alpha, "Uhh... What do you mean?"

Bella turned around and pinned Leah with a knowing smirk and a twinkle in her eye. Wiping her hands on her apron, she said nonchalantly, "I don't know why Old Quil did it or how it's even possible, but I do know one thing for certain-Tweedle Dee, Dumb, and Dumber are never going to catch Mike Newton now that he thinks he might lose his nuts if he hangs around here. He must have really shit in the old man's Cheerios for him to turn Mike into a Golden Retriever."

E/N: So ... yeah, this isn't even the END of this one-shot. ;) Lots more shenanigans on the horizon! But I REALLY have to finish beta-ing a chapter for a friend before I put any more time into the one-shot, so look for the one-shot, "Drop the Mike" in a few days. I'd love to hear what you think!